bolase Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) For the last couple of weeks, I have been seeing a guy who I work with. We got along great, felt very comfortable around him immediately even though we have completely different interests. I haven't slept with him and while things started off romantic and surprising and cute, I feel like he just tried to ease me into a friends with benefits situation and I'm totally disappointed First date he cooked me dinner, we went out dancing then ended up cuddling all night, second date we went to the park, last night I went over to his house for coffee after a long walk, we made out then I told him that I was going to leave. He's a little unconfident and seemed suprised I was into him and said he's not used to liking someone, it's been a long time. I even had to tell him to stop apologising, which he does a lot. So last night we were making out and I said I was going to leave, then mentioned it's been a while since I've been with anyone (8 months) - slept with someone. He said that he was with someone a month ago, a friend, and that it was "like a transaction" but they are still friends. A bit gross to me, but he can do what he wants to, I'd just feel so bad in that situation. When I got up to leave he said that I was welcome to stay any time, if I just wanted a warm person, and I think he was meaning cuddling - that he didn't expect sex and would like to see me regardless - or was he saying the opposite, that I could come over any time I wanted sex? I felt a bit affronted and said "I don't think I will..." and now I feel as though he just wants a casual thing instead of to get to know each other. Should I just leave it and not suggest we do anything (he's suggested everything after work so far) or have a chat with him, saying it seems he's after something casual and that's not what I'm interested in? Edited July 2, 2013 by bolase
starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 1. Don't go into a guy's home so soon, or invite him over to yours. It sends the wrong message. 2. To me, it genuinely sounds like he meant cuddling. I don't think he was suggesting sex. Maybe he is looking for something casual, but I don't think that comment indicates it necessarily. 3. You need to talk to him if you're starting ot think that. Better to get it out inthe open and talk about it before you get your feelings involved and hurt. 3
crude Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 He said he didn't expect sex, yet you jumped to the conclusion that maybe he meant sex and he wanted a FWB situation. You got disappointed and are ready to end things for essentially no reason whatsoever. Obviously you can't be all that into him, so end it for his sake.
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Oh girl, you so totally misread him. I'm betting he was embarrassed to have to offer up the "it was like a transaction" thing. He phrased it that way for a reason. You've also made it sound like you abruptly told him you had to leave - during? just after? your make out sessions. It's perfectly okay to end a make out session and hang around for cuddling, unless it's blue-balling a guy. You had your opportunities right there to find out if he was just after sex. I'm pretty sure a guy who's not confident and apologizes a lot is not routinely into ONS or FWB situations. Dinner, dancing, walks in the park? A guy after FWB probably wouldn't bother.
starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yup, I definitely wanted to add that it seems from what you said that YOU are the one who brought up the sex topic. He didnt' say or do anything - YOU mentioned that you hadn't been intimate in a long time, so he obviously had to respond in some way. Maybe because YOU brought up not having sex for 8 months, he felt like he should mention that you could stay over if you want a "warm person" so that you wouldn't think he DIDN'T want sex with you, but that he's not also ONLY after sex - sounds like the poor guy had to do quite the balancing act in response to your inquiry. I think he was trying hard to come up with a good response that was neither overtly sexual nor shutting down what MAY have been an expression of interest in sex on your part, and to me it seems like a decent response.
Author bolase Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thanks for the advice all of you. I brought it up as we were getting pretty physical, moved to his room and he said he wanted to rip my clothes off. I have been single for a bit and my boundaries are clearly a bit out of shape!
FitChick Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Never a good idea to date a coworker unless you don't mind everyone knowing your business. It sounds like he wants sex with the minimum of time, effort and money on his part. Going to his place twice and going for a walk to the park? He isn't a college student, he has a job.
Tobecomebetter Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 For the last couple of weeks, I have been seeing a guy who I work with. Don't want to sound blunt but have you ever heard of the quote 'don't sh** where you eat'? Trust me, my past experiences have taught me for the better. 1
starrynightz45 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Thanks for the advice all of you. I brought it up as we were getting pretty physical, moved to his room and he said he wanted to rip my clothes off. I have been single for a bit and my boundaries are clearly a bit out of shape! Well that changes everything. NOW you have a stronger argument that he may just be looking for sex. That's a bit forward of him.
Author bolase Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Well, he did say it very gently, like thats what I feel like doing, not that's what I;m about to do..but yes I'm still unsure. I know about work, I'm being cautious, we both are...but then a lot of people find their partners at work, so I don't see it as worth turning down jsut because of that chance. It's more how I feel and whether we have a chance of emotional intimacy that I'm still figuring out. What are some suggestions for day dates?
sillyanswer Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I think it's great that you and he are sharing when you last had sex, and having this conversation before you have sex with each other. Next step: When did you both last get tested for STDs?
Armena Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 For the last couple of weeks, I have been seeing a guy who I work with. We got along great, felt very comfortable around him immediately even though we have completely different interests. I haven't slept with him and while things started off romantic and surprising and cute, I feel like he just tried to ease me into a friends with benefits situation and I'm totally disappointed First date he cooked me dinner, we went out dancing then ended up cuddling all night, second date we went to the park, last night I went over to his house for coffee after a long walk, we made out then I told him that I was going to leave. He's a little unconfident and seemed suprised I was into him and said he's not used to liking someone, it's been a long time. I even had to tell him to stop apologising, which he does a lot. So last night we were making out and I said I was going to leave, then mentioned it's been a while since I've been with anyone (8 months) - slept with someone. He said that he was with someone a month ago, a friend, and that it was "like a transaction" but they are still friends. A bit gross to me, but he can do what he wants to, I'd just feel so bad in that situation. When I got up to leave he said that I was welcome to stay any time, if I just wanted a warm person, and I think he was meaning cuddling - that he didn't expect sex and would like to see me regardless - or was he saying the opposite, that I could come over any time I wanted sex? I felt a bit affronted and said "I don't think I will..." and now I feel as though he just wants a casual thing instead of to get to know each other. Should I just leave it and not suggest we do anything (he's suggested everything after work so far) or have a chat with him, saying it seems he's after something casual and that's not what I'm interested in? Being work, be glad you didn't sleep with the guy.. I'd leave it at that
Author bolase Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 I think it's great that you and he are sharing when you last had sex, and having this conversation before you have sex with each other. Next step: When did you both last get tested for STDs? I do too...it was a little awkward because I was basically saying I'd probably be sleeping with him soon..but we were getting pretty physical and comfortable and it was also my way of saying I'm not ready, yet. I have only had one test once when my doctor suggested it..I've never had any signs of any and only slept with 3 people who I talked about this stuff with before we had sex, so I've never worried about stds.
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