Is it ever worth carrying on an affair?

[sonygirl]

I hope this makes sense because Im so confused. I met a guy a few months back, I was married and he was going through a break-up. I ended it because he was in a bad place and I felt I was just making it harder for him. He started messaging me every day and said he'd never give up trying to win me back and a couple of weeks ago we got back together. He has now got himself sorted but of course he misses his children and is grieving the loss of his marriage. His wife is messing with his head and I feel for him but dont know how to help. Im finding the situation so hard to cope with and it feels like now he's got me back he doesnt care so much. I feel like Im just there to relieve his boredom and loneliness and my situation suits him cos he doesnt want a proper relationship Im unhappily married but stay for everyone else sake and tbh cos I have no money and am scared of doing the wrong thing. Ive ended it with OM this morning because I find the pain and lying too much. But the pain of being without him is worse. Am I right to end it?

[sonygirl]

Thank you for replying Dragoness. My children are grown up. I have asked my husband for counselling 3 times and even went alone as he said he didnt think there was anything wrong with our marriage and that it was just me. Ive also told him I wanted to leave but no real response. He thinks its just a mid-life crises and I'll snap out of it. Im so confused I cant make a decision and I thought talking to my husband would help but it hasnt. What if he is right and it is all down to me (though the counselor didnt seem to think so) or Im just having a mid-life crises? I think like a lot of people the affair gives me some escape but of course really makes things worse.

[Got it]

I hope this makes sense because Im so confused. I met a guy a few months back, I was married and he was going through a break-up. I ended it because he was in a bad place and I felt I was just making it harder for him. He started messaging me every day and said he'd never give up trying to win me back and a couple of weeks ago we got back together. He has now got himself sorted but of course he misses his children and is grieving the loss of his marriage. His wife is messing with his head and I feel for him but dont know how to help. Im finding the situation so hard to cope with and it feels like now he's got me back he doesnt care so much. I feel like Im just there to relieve his boredom and loneliness and my situation suits him cos he doesnt want a proper relationship Im unhappily married but stay for everyone else sake and tbh cos I have no money and am scared of doing the wrong thing. Ive ended it with OM this morning because I find the pain and lying too much. But the pain of being without him is worse. Am I right to end it?

 

Sony, you are right to do what you feel is best for you, so if ending it feels right then you are right.

 

The S/D time is a very trying and difficult time. He does need to focus on his life, mourn the lose of his marriage, and focus on his relationship with his kids.

 

You need to focus on your life, what is best for you. Maybe you guys will come back around down the road, maybe think of it as just putting a pin in it. But know that he may not be in the place emotionally and mentally to give you want you need. That is okay. And it is okay that it isn't good enough for you.

 

Since you are married yourself, focus on your marriage and end it based on its merits. Deciding to end does not need to be a unilateral decision. What do you want for your life? What do want if there is no MM in the background? Keep him out of your marriage decisions. If you husband won't go to MC, you still can go to IC.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I hope this makes sense because Im so confused. I met a guy a few months back, I was married and he was going through a break-up. I ended it because he was in a bad place and I felt I was just making it harder for him. He started messaging me every day and said he'd never give up trying to win me back and a couple of weeks ago we got back together. He has now got himself sorted but of course he misses his children and is grieving the loss of his marriage. His wife is messing with his head and I feel for him but dont know how to help. Im finding the situation so hard to cope with and it feels like now he's got me back he doesnt care so much. I feel like Im just there to relieve his boredom and loneliness and my situation suits him cos he doesnt want a proper relationship Im unhappily married but stay for everyone else sake and tbh cos I have no money and am scared of doing the wrong thing. Ive ended it with OM this morning because I find the pain and lying too much. But the pain of being without him is worse. Am I right to end it?

 

I think you made the right choice, given how miserable you've been feeling. I'm sure you can see from his perspective as well, though. He's recently dealing with the fall-out of ending his marriage, he's feeling conflicted in regards to his wife (how is she messing with his head, by the way? Are you sure she actually is? He may just perceive it as such, when he tells you) and he's trying to do what he can in regards to his children.

 

He may just need more time to deal with all of these things, but for the time being, ending the affair sounds like the right choice.

 

In regards to your marriage, why are you unhappy? Have you tried working things out with your husband, or are you passed the point of no return with him? If you were to divorce, is there no one you could stay with until you get back on your feet? Family, friends?

 

Just trying to get a more clear picture, here.

[underwater2010]

I think your reasons for ending the affair are great....pain and guilt. It is normal for you to miss him, but I hope that you realize you are getting no more from the affair than you are getting from your husband.

 

You, yourself said that you are feeling used in the affair. How is that any better than your marriage?

[MissBee]

I hope this makes sense because Im so confused. I met a guy a few months back, I was married and he was going through a break-up. I ended it because he was in a bad place and I felt I was just making it harder for him. He started messaging me every day and said he'd never give up trying to win me back and a couple of weeks ago we got back together. He has now got himself sorted but of course he misses his children and is grieving the loss of his marriage. His wife is messing with his head and I feel for him but dont know how to help. Im finding the situation so hard to cope with and it feels like now he's got me back he doesnt care so much. I feel like Im just there to relieve his boredom and loneliness and my situation suits him cos he doesnt want a proper relationship Im unhappily married but stay for everyone else sake and tbh cos I have no money and am scared of doing the wrong thing. Ive ended it with OM this morning because I find the pain and lying too much. But the pain of being without him is worse. Am I right to end it?

 

 

It didn't sound like you had a winning situation. I think if it comes down to "pain of lying" and feeling like you're kept around to alleviate someone else's loneliness and boredom....then yea, it does seem like a situation that doesn't have anywhere else to go.

[cocorico]

It's never worth it to carry on a relationship that isn't fullfilling to you or meeting your needs. The includes your marriage, an affair, a boyfriend, anything.

If it's not working, and you've made a sincere effort in a relationship you want to be in, to see if it would or could, and it doesn't.. then it's the right choice to end it.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

 

Absolutely!

[sonygirl]

Thank you for the responses - Ive found them very helpful. Ive been married 23 years and made a lot of sacrifices, like many women, for my family. Now I have more time I want to enjoy myself but my husband doesnt like me going out. I asked for counselling 3 times and he refused and I feel Ive gone past it with trying to put things right. Ive made so much effort for him over the years so for him not to make more effort when I requested it was so frustrating. I feel trapped. I stay because I made a commitment and because Im scared of hurting him and our families. Im also scared its the wrong decision - Ive been with him more than half my life and he is a good man. What if he is right and this is just a mid-life crises? But I have this knot in my stomach all the time and I feel like I want to escape. I dont want to leave for another man I want to leave because I feel suffocated. I guess the other man was a bit of escapism but I fell in love with him.

[tinker683]

Whether it is "worth" it or not I think depends on the individual and their particular situations. Overall I feel affairs are toxic, messy situations and due to the nature of what they are they can become very destructive and damaging very quickly.

 

The affair I engaged in was because I felt like I had met a women I could potentially spend the rest of my life with. It wasn't I didn't hate her fiance or wish him any kind of harm (though I did feel like he didn't deserve her) and getting into an affair wasn't something I had set out to do.

 

More like it was because I felt like if I didn't explore this, if I didn't pursue her, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I would wonder, "what if?"

 

In retrospect the affair did a lot of damage to me but it also taught me a lot of things. I also developed an appreciation for certain things that I might not have had I not met her. While the relationship ended as a fiery disaster, I don't regret meeting her and I most certainly do not regret loving her. As such, for all the pain it caused me, I do feel it was worth it.

 

Nobody should stay in a relationship that's unhealthy. Life is way too short to accept so little for so much, so I would say its only 'worth' it under a very select set of circumstances but even then you must go into fully accepting the responsibility of the damage you could/will do not just to yourselves but to the BS and the family involved.

 

But that's me

[Got it]

Thank you for the responses - Ive found them very helpful. Ive been married 23 years and made a lot of sacrifices, like many women, for my family. Now I have more time I want to enjoy myself but my husband doesnt like me going out. I asked for counselling 3 times and he refused and I feel Ive gone past it with trying to put things right. Ive made so much effort for him over the years so for him not to make more effort when I requested it was so frustrating. I feel trapped. I stay because I made a commitment and because Im scared of hurting him and our families. Im also scared its the wrong decision - Ive been with him more than half my life and he is a good man. What if he is right and this is just a mid-life crises? But I have this knot in my stomach all the time and I feel like I want to escape. I dont want to leave for another man I want to leave because I feel suffocated. I guess the other man was a bit of escapism but I fell in love with him.

 

Sony, go into therapy. You need to work through your thoughts to figure out if it is a mid life crisis or if this is a turning point for you. I understand your feelings and I was in a very similar situation, I was codependent, I had been with my ex since we were teenagers, I didn't want to hurt him, he was so emotionally dependent on me but refused to go to therapy as well (and I asked multiple times over the years and even asked one year as his bday present to me) and nada.

 

I felt like I barely had my head above water and I was slowly going under. And then I realized that life was too short for this and me living my life for others was a hollow martyrdom. That I was tapped out, burnt out, and done in investing any more time into us. So I started therapy and I started planning my exit. Now that is when my affair started and I was out of the house within a month.

 

I know the unknown is scary but you aren't dense and I don't believe you are so out of touch with yourself that you don't know how you feel and why. I think you need to work through therapy to figure out what you need and want and how you want your life to be. The affair may not be a continuing relationship but a tipping point. It may be your wake up call to stop being a passenger in your life and take the wheel and start driving it.

 

You don't want to hurt your husband with leaving? Honey, finding out about the affair will definitely inflict great harm. I got out of my marriage and never told about the affair as it wasn't germane to my leaving. I have no regrets on that though I know it could bubble up in the future. But we were able to part ways amicably, have a very amicable divorce and post divorce. He is a great guy, I care about him, but I didn't love him like he deserved and he has gone on to do many great things and marry a great gal that wouldn't have happened if I stayed with him out of fear, comfortability, etc.

 

If you feel that there is something left in your marriage, even a little nugget of hope, then invest in it and start growing that seed again. If not, leave. But having been in an affair, it is very similar to playing russian roulette and the longer it goes on the better chance the chamber won't be empty. Be proactive, not reactive. Take charge.