Reconciliation, does it ever come around?

[tryingtoevolve]

I am in the midst of a separation and I am certain this will turn into a lengthy and stressful divorce situation.

 

Some things to consider before I ask my questions, if it matters ...

I was married less than 3 years, one young son. No infidelity that I know of, and believe me I have probed. No substance abuse, abuse of any kind. I woke up happy everyday and was immensely proud to be married to my husband. He became distant and to this day after it being almost 3 months since he abruptly said he wanted out, he has shared nothing with me, feelings, thoughts, likely outcomes...nothing. I was growing unhappy as he was and is a very self-involved person. I tended to put his needs and activities above my own, that led to resentment and in turn I saw him withdrawing (though I tried to find out why and really wanted to help) I started to feel his chill and had to preserve my dignity at some point. I know now, I should have pursued his disconnect even though he wouldn't share his feelings and I should have showed him support rather then pull away myself. That aside I was a good wife and am a great mother and felt no greater happiness and pride then within my husband and son.

 

Now that we have been separated, and his family's drama ( see other post) has been so defeating and damaging I don't see any way for us to reconnect. I can't get anything out of him either way. He sometimes says he loves me, sometimes a kiss but it isn't consistent, we got along better than ever in the 4 weeks before he left our marital home, I have gotten most all of my feelings out there and that is a big step in communicating. He has been hot and cold, but mostly just gives me a blank stare.

 

I am in individual counseling, he won't go. Him and I have never had a break or issue that has come up before this. But I really do not see him coming back. His family sees marriages as disposable and if it is at all hard, you bail. I was never even given an opportunity to work our relationship out.

 

I do feel like we are at a point of no return although papers are not filed, yet and we are trying to get along. He asked me not to file yet and feels things need not be rushed. But, I feel this may be a tactic for various agendas and that it isn't sincere.

 

I would really like to hear if anyone knows of someone personally or has experienced a reconciliation after a situation that seemed like a lost cause?

 

I don't really feel hopeful that we will ever be a family again but I was just curious if I should straddle the line between pessimism and optimism instead of writing off my husband forever which is where I am at now. And actually, moving on is feeling much more empowering then holding out hope.

 

Thank you for your help in advance.

 

M

[coaches24]

Im in a very similar situation with my wife. I am truly sorry you have to go through this. My wife and I are trying Marriage counseling but as far as at home she is light years away it seems. I understand your feelings of hopelessness. I've chosen to try and save the marriage but I can tell you it's not at all easy. I have called my wife out on some of her behavior and while she hasn't liked it she has responded by changing the behavior (going out at night, being more attentive to our daughter and her posts on Facebook that made many of my friends realize things were bad with us are all gone now and she is now watching what she puts on there. It's up to you to decide what actions you want to take. I had to strongly push to get my wife to go to marriage counseling. She says she wants to work on us and not give up yet on the marriage so I have that going for me but she isn't in a hurry for things to change either and that makes this extremely hard to deal with for me. It's been 3 months now since she told me she's unhappy and all that and this has not gotten easier. Im not trying to talk you out of trying to save your marriage of that's what you want and can get your husband to agree but be ready for it to be very difficult and painful and you have absolutely no guarantee at all that it will work in the end. I feel like the odds are greatly against me but I just can't walk away until I know for sure. It's kind of the "dumb and dumber" syndrome with "so your saying I have a chance" with the odds being 1 in a million.

 

The one thing I am doing is keeping track of everything that has happened between us (mainly her actions and behaviors) so that if we do get divorced I will have this info should I need it to show her instability when it comes time to figure out custody of our daughter.

 

I am in the midst of a separation and I am certain this will turn into a lengthy and stressful divorce situation.

 

Some things to consider before I ask my questions, if it matters ...

I was married less than 3 years, one young son. No infidelity that I know of, and believe me I have probed. No substance abuse, abuse of any kind. I woke up happy everyday and was immensely proud to be married to my husband. He became distant and to this day after it being almost 3 months since he abruptly said he wanted out, he has shared nothing with me, feelings, thoughts, likely outcomes...nothing. I was growing unhappy as he was and is a very self-involved person. I tended to put his needs and activities above my own, that led to resentment and in turn I saw him withdrawing (though I tried to find out why and really wanted to help) I started to feel his chill and had to preserve my dignity at some point. I know now, I should have pursued his disconnect even though he wouldn't share his feelings and I should have showed him support rather then pull away myself. That aside I was a good wife and am a great mother and felt no greater happiness and pride then within my husband and son.

 

Now that we have been separated, and his family's drama ( see other post) has been so defeating and damaging I don't see any way for us to reconnect. I can't get anything out of him either way. He sometimes says he loves me, sometimes a kiss but it isn't consistent, we got along better than ever in the 4 weeks before he left our marital home, I have gotten most all of my feelings out there and that is a big step in communicating. He has been hot and cold, but mostly just gives me a blank stare.

 

I am in individual counseling, he won't go. Him and I have never had a break or issue that has come up before this. But I really do not see him coming back. His family sees marriages as disposable and if it is at all hard, you bail. I was never even given an opportunity to work our relationship out.

 

I do feel like we are at a point of no return although papers are not filed, yet and we are trying to get along. He asked me not to file yet and feels things need not be rushed. But, I feel this may be a tactic for various agendas and that it isn't sincere.

 

I would really like to hear if anyone knows of someone personally or has experienced a reconciliation after a situation that seemed like a lost cause?

 

I don't really feel hopeful that we will ever be a family again but I was just curious if I should straddle the line between pessimism and optimism instead of writing off my husband forever which is where I am at now. And actually, moving on is feeling much more empowering then holding out hope.

 

Thank you for your help in advance.

 

M

[Yasuandio]

It is interesting that your husband's words and actions indicate he wants the divorce. Yet he has asked you to hold off on filing.

 

Here is what you must trust.

 

First and formost, HIS ACTIONS. Second, when his ACTIONS match his WORDS.

 

Therefore, first and second above are visable. Here is what you must do to gain a slight legal edge (he has to produce documents to request first), as well as a "psudo-psychological" edge (he will be taken by surprise). Everyhing says you are heading for a legal divorce. Thus far - the "Emotional Divorce" is happening as well. What's to lose?

 

By filing first - you will be the Pititioner - and your husband will be the Defendant, the terms in themselves have a certain power position ring to them -- although "that ring" is just an illusion" - it is still there. That said, filing for divorce, as Pititioner is a responsible thing to do. That does not mean you have to go through with it. All it means it that you took control of the situation, that's all.

 

Take your power back, and file. It is going to happen anyway - why listen to him and so it his way? Why should he be calling the shots? Phone up an attorney and file immediately and have him served, he has deserted you, and that's that. HE can always change his mind -- but ultimately -it was his choice, and his idea for divorce. For you to file is logical, as he hasn't.

 

Wasting time hoping for a reconcilation is not smart. You can wait for a reconcilation after you filed just as easily.

 

Look at it like this, in a timeline:

 

A. Husband says he wants a divorce.

B. Husband leaves marital home.

C. Wife files for divorce Husband has requested.

 

His choice. You can always say, "isn't that what you said you wanted?" Plus, you need your finances formally put on hold, and a temporary hearing in place to decide the child support or whatever until divorce is final.

 

Did it ever occur to you that he may be stalling for some self-serving reason? Get it together! Be smart - be proactive. Legal divorce filings are just paperwork that can always be dropped. File - and say NOTHING about it. Yas

[tryingtoevolve]

Thank you to you both. Very sound and good advice! I am keeping a log of his interactions with our son and also have met with and sought the advice of an excellent attorney. I like what Yas said about the 'emotional divorce' I never thought of the process in terms of that. Very thankful for this forum.

 

*I am still learning the ends and outs of posting and replying on here. Not computer savvy. Hopefully I am getting the hang of things. This community is so valuable. It really has given me a sense of not being alone and the advice and a different perspective is very much appreciated.