therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) The OP says he's feeling insecure/down about this one situation with his girlfriend, and wants to know how to feel better about it. And really, your advice to him is "Dump the girl if she won't give you anal?!?" Do you know how ridiculous that sounds? Yes, if OP really cares about it that much, it's his right to dump her over it. But maybe he should try to work through this one issue with her, rather than throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Therythm, sometimes we only know about our boundaries because we--accidentally or unwillingly--crossed over them. Having crossed a boundary once doesn't mean OP's girlfriend should feel obligated to keep dancing across her boundaries, just because she crossed the line with ONE ex (not lots of dudes even, just the one). As you say, life is too short to endure bad sex... so why should she have to endure something she actively dislikes (not just "doesn't particularly enjoy," there's a big difference) just to try to protect her boyfriend's sense of pride? I'm not arguing that she shouldn't learn discretion, because what she did was inconsiderate, but come on. Practically everybody has done something they wouldn't want to do again, or doesn't want to do with every partner. That doesn't mean we are selfish or close-minded. The very idea of "increasingly wild sex with each new successive partner" is completely unsustainable and unrealistic. Also, the whole "I'll try anything once" mindset is great--in theory. But I can guarantee you that we could come up with something even you wouldn't want to try with a girl, if she asked you to do it. Sometimes, you don't have to try something to know you won't like it. I don't know how important sex it is in your life, it is very important in mine! I would not settle for less that I consider acceptable, life is too long to endure bad sex... if someone's boundaries crash with my expectations then we are not sexually compatible and it is the end of it... finito. No long ago there was this post here from a woman who's boyfriend didn't want go go down on her... most women advocate to dump the guy... funny enough now most women advocate for OP to forget about this... By the way there is nothing I have done with another woman that I would not repeat if a current partner would ask me for.... and believe me there are very few things that turn me off... I don't think she needs to endure anything by the way, I think she should at least give it a try and if she is not feeling it or not liking it then she can say no... but don't even giving it a try is just narrow minded and insulting. I would also like to know what are the reasons OP's girlfriend gives to don't do it with him... since OP has heard the girlfriends mum saying that it was the preferred sex act of her daughter Edited July 2, 2013 by therhythm
Arabella Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 So in your relationship only matters what appeals and feels good for you? Maybe it is only me but I love to be generous with the person I have sex with, I am open for everything at least once then I can say if I liked it or not... but just because she didn't like something with someone else doesn't mean she would not like it with me... Generosity and open mind about sex are very important facts... life is too short to endure bad sex So because a woman isn't willing to submit to your desires at her own expense, that means it's bad sex? Eh, okay. How's THAT for narrow-minded? My view on this is very simple. If there is something my partner wants and I'm neutral or mildly skeptical about it, I will try it for his sake. I might or not like it, but at least I will give it a shot. If it's something I abhor or find painful/degrading (since that's not my thing), I will not... and I don't care how much he wants it at that point. Nobody, male or female, should have to put themselves in a position of discomfort or pain for the sake of sexually satisfying their partner. EVER. 3
Author Jonno20 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Thank you for the replies guys and gals, some very good points from you all. I will have a talk with her as I do feel she has put up boundaries to me that she didn't to someone else who didn't treat her as well as me. One point to note, she didn't just try it a couple of times, it was one of her favourites her mum said and she was with the guy for 5 years so this is why I am disappointed, if she tried it and didn't like then fine I would never question her, I just don't understand first why she told me and second why I can't try.
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 So because a woman isn't willing to submit to your desires at her own expense, that means it's bad sex? Eh, okay. How's THAT for narrow-minded? My view on this is very simple. If there is something my partner wants and I'm neutral or mildly skeptical about it, I will try it for his sake. I might or not like it, but at least I will give it a shot. If it's something I abhor or find painful/degrading (since that's not my thing), I will not... and I don't care how much he wants it at that point. Nobody, male or female, should have to put themselves in a position of discomfort or pain for the sake of sexually satisfying their partner. EVER. I agree, again I think we are talking apples and oranges here... I don't say OP should force his girlfriend to do anal with him, I am saying he should look for a sexual compatible person who matches his criteria.... She is free to have her boundaries and OP is free to have his deal breakers! He is not asking for something degrading or detested by his girlfriend, it was as per her own words a common practice with her boyfriend ...
Arabella Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I agree, again I think we are talking doubles here... I don't say OP should force his girlfriend to do anal with him, I am saying he should look for a sexual compatible person who matches his criteria.... She is free to have her boundaries and OP is free to have his deal breakers! He is not asking for something degrading or detested by his girlfriend, it was as per her own words a common practice with her boyfriend ... So, basically, after all this, we're pretty much in agreement. It does make me wonder why she stopped enjoying it. I think the OP should inquire about it. It's possible she might have been lying about enjoying it and just doing it to please her ex... we girls do stupid things like that sometimes :/ There might also have been physical changes she disliked. Long-term, repeated anal intercourse CAN have some undesirable side-effects... 1
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) So, basically, after all this, we're pretty much in agreement. It does make me wonder why she stopped enjoying it. I think the OP should inquire about it. It's possible she might have been lying about enjoying it and just doing it to please her ex... we girls do stupid things like that sometimes :/ There might also have been physical changes she disliked. Long-term, repeated anal intercourse CAN have some undesirable side-effects... Yes, she may have changed her mind... but not even giving it a try when she knows OP has never tried and is one of his fantasies is just plain mean! It is like saying I had my fun if you missed out screw you! Edited July 2, 2013 by therhythm
AMusing Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I don't know how important sex it is in your life, it is very important in mine! I would not settle for less that I consider acceptable, life is too long to endure bad sex... if someone's boundaries crash with my expectations then we are not sexually compatible and it is the end of it... finito. No long ago there was this post here from a woman who's boyfriend didn't want go go down on her... most women advocate to dump the guy... funny enough now most women advocate for OP to forget about this... By the way there is nothing I have done with another woman that I would not repeat if a current partner would ask me for.... and believe me there are very few things that turn me off... I don't think she needs to endure anything by the way, I think she should at least give it a try and if she is not feeling it or not liking it then she can say no... but don't even giving it a try is just narrow minded and insulting. I would also like to know what are the reasons OP's girlfriend gives to don't do it with him... since OP has heard the girlfriends mum saying that it was the preferred sex act of her daughter I can't help but wonder, do you purposefully try to incite those with differing opinions, or is it accidental? In this thread you have implied that the two of us with opinions different from yours are selfish lovers, close-minded, and don't value sex as much as you. The OP didn't consider lack of anal a deal-breaker in any of his other relationships. Some of his exes *probably* tried it with past guys, they were just smart/considerate enough not to bring it up. And he hasn't considered it an issue with his current girl, until he learned that she had done it in the past. So to say the two of them are sexually incompatible, and therefore should break up, is stretching it a bit. Like I said in my first post, the mom's comment is simply bizarre. It sounds like a weird inside joke, not an honest evaluation of her daughter's sexual preferences, but we don't know that given the information we have. Bottom line: OP should talk to his girlfriend about it, clarify why she doesn't want to have anal with him, why her mom made that comment, and be sure she understands why his ego is a bit bruised. 2
Arabella Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Yes, she may have changed her mind... but not even giving it a try when she knows OP has never tried and is one of his fantasies is just plain mean! Well, yeah. She definitely could have handled the whole thing better. If she had no intent of doing it anymore, she shouldn't have told him how much she used to enjoy it... Talk about rubbing it in! :/ 2
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I can't help but wonder, do you purposefully try to incite those with differing opinions, or is it accidental? In this thread you have implied that the two of us with opinions different from yours are selfish lovers, close-minded, and don't value sex as much as you. The OP didn't consider lack of anal a deal-breaker in any of his other relationships. Some of his exes *probably* tried it with past guys, they were just smart/considerate enough not to bring it up. And he hasn't considered it an issue with his current girl, until he learned that she had done it in the past. So to say the two of them are sexually incompatible, and therefore should break up, is stretching it a bit. Like I said in my first post, the mom's comment is simply bizarre. It sounds like a weird inside joke, not an honest evaluation of her daughter's sexual preferences, but we don't know that given the information we have. Bottom line: OP should talk to his girlfriend about it, clarify why she doesn't want to have anal with him, why her mom made that comment, and be sure she understands why his ego is a bit bruised. I am in every moment speaking about OP's girlfriend... you should not personalize my posts in you because they have nothing to do with you. I don't mind what your opinion in this is, honestly, I just state my opinion, you are free to do the same, if I don't agree I will say so the same way you can do it. So now you know how the mother of OP's girlfriend said her comment to her daughter... that is called speculation and is just the last resource to keep siding with the woman in this story. The first comment I will do referring to you... you should try to be more objective and not only look to this from the female perspective....
KungFuJoe Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I find it VERY odd that you "overheard" her mom talking about it to someone else? I mean...seriously...just exactly how does this scenario occur? You were eavesdropping on her mom having a conversation with WHO exactly? And in this conversation, the subject of her daughter have anal sex comes up...AND she's talking about how it was her FAVORITE way to do it? Sorry...but I think we're getting trolled by op. 1
Author Jonno20 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 So, basically, after all this, we're pretty much in agreement. It does make me wonder why she stopped enjoying it. I think the OP should inquire about it. It's possible she might have been lying about enjoying it and just doing it to please her ex... we girls do stupid things like that sometimes :/ There might also have been physical changes she disliked. Long-term, repeated anal intercourse CAN have some undesirable side-effects... So anal can cause physical damage? I didn't know that :-/ if it did then te guy is a real scumbag, he was much older to, she was only 18 at the time and he is 21 years older then her so maybe she felt she had to impress him?
Author Jonno20 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 I find it VERY odd that you "overheard" her mom talking about it to someone else? I mean...seriously...just exactly how does this scenario occur? You were eavesdropping on her mom having a conversation with WHO exactly? And in this conversation, the subject of her daughter have anal sex comes up...AND she's talking about how it was her FAVORITE way to do it? Sorry...but I think we're getting trolled by op. I wasn't eaves dropping, her mum was in the kitchen talkin to her cousin and her cousin said she tried anal with her husband and hated it as it was very sore so she doesn't do it and that's when my gfs mum said oh that's one of ***** favourites that is what I heard! I did say to her about that btw I wasn't happy hearing that at all!
therhythm Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I wasn't eaves dropping, her mum was in the kitchen talkin to her cousin and her cousin said she tried anal with her husband and hated it as it was very sore so she doesn't do it and that's when my gfs mum said oh that's one of ***** favourites that is what I heard! I did say to her about that btw I wasn't happy hearing that at all! Ok, ok, enough speculating for now, what is the reason your girlfriend has given you to don't want to have anal sex with you? That is the key question... all the rest doesn't matter much! 1
Million.to.1 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I think you just need to calmly ask your GF why she doesn't want to have anal sex anymore or with you specifically. What happened to turn her off, if in the past, she enjoyed it? Maybe she just feels that 6 months in a R isn't long enough to be asking for Greek. Could be as simple as that. I do think you need to stop comparing yourself with her ex as far as thinking you deserve it more than him because of him cheating being as ass etc. Maybe he was a fabulous boyfriend for 4 years and was just an ass at the end. It's not your place to judge him on how you think he treated her and what he or you "deserve" sexually because of how good you've been. GF's aren't Santa. 2
therhythm Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) I think you just need to calmly ask your GF why she doesn't want to have anal sex anymore or with you specifically. What happened to turn her off, if in the past, she enjoyed it? Maybe she just feels that 6 months in a R isn't long enough to be asking for Greek. Could be as simple as that. I do think you need to stop comparing yourself with her ex as far as thinking you deserve it more than him because of him cheating being as ass etc. Maybe he was a fabulous boyfriend for 4 years and was just an ass at the end. It's not your place to judge him on how you think he treated her and what he or you "deserve" sexually because of how good you've been. GF's aren't Santa. I think everyone who knows me knows that I try to be very fair and I do not have bias when defending a topic for being a man... I usually more in the women side than in the men's in this forum actually as there are lots of masculine nut cases here... Comparing yourself with other people is a natural thing to do, specially if as OP is he doesn't have much experience! He didn't ask for any information... she volunteer it! OP should indeed not feel entitled to anything but if he can feel that he doesn't want to be second in his girlfriend world... That is a feeling I can relate to... if she had such a connection with her ex boyfriend then she is better off back with him right? I wonder how many of you would see this if a man would tell you he used to go down in his ex but he doesn't want to do it with you... I am sure you would not feel that understanding with your boyfriend then Edited July 3, 2013 by therhythm 1
Million.to.1 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I didn't join this thread to argue with you, therhythm. I get your point, yes, but i hardly see how the comparison the OP is making towards her ex, and what they did in the bedroom together, is going to serve him now. To me, it sounds childish, and naive. listen yourself... "you were with your EX boyfriend for 5 years, but i want to do, and be better at, all the things he did to you and some more, even though we have been together for 6 months"
therhythm Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) I didn't join this thread to argue with you, therhythm. I get your point, yes, but i hardly see how the comparison the OP is making towards her ex, and what they did in the bedroom together, is going to serve him now. To me, it sounds childish, and naive. listen yourself... "you were with your EX boyfriend for 5 years, but i want to do, and be better at, all the things he did to you and some more, even though we have been together for 6 months" I understand you didn't join this thread to argue with me, but this is an open board and if I do not agree with what you said I can give my opinion about your post...it is up to you then to answer or not (there it is when we can call it an argument ) I don't think OP wants to compare with anyone in being the best or not... he can just try to do his best and that is it... it would be indeed naive to pretend to be the best lover she ever had... you either are or not...and here it is where every woman should lie to her partner if they really love them... a man always have to feel he is the best lover of his partner (even when is not true). That is another topic anyway. We are talking about a sexual act that was normal for her and she is depriving it from him... is plain selfish and manipulative... Edited July 3, 2013 by therhythm
Million.to.1 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 so now I'm left knowing she would be more adventurous/intimate with her ex despite him cheating on her and by the sounds of it, not being as good a boyfriend as me! I'm very hurt by this and almost feel "second best" Still disappointed she would be a lot more open minded with him than me as the guy was a bit of an a hole and didn't treat her as well as me so yes it hurts me. I will have a talk with her as I do feel she has put up boundaries to me that she didn't to someone else who didn't treat her as well as me. 3 Quotes where there is CLEAR comparison and opinions of who is deserving of what. ...and here it is where every woman should lie to her partner if they really love them... a man always have to feel he is the best lover of his partner (even when is not true). That is another topic anyway. We are talking about a sexual act that was normal for her and she is depriving it from him... is plain selfish and manipulative... I get it, I understand that men feel like this, but the OP's GF is clearly young and doesn't have any diplomacy in this department, obviously. I am simply saying that this needs to be discussed, calmly, openly, with his GF. He is totally justified in wanting answers and deserves them, yes. But going into the conversation with the defense that he deserves it more than the ex did will get him nowhere. It's a mute point anyway. It will only make her defensive and drive them further apart. OP, give your GF the benefit of the doubt for now. Maybe you have your wires crossed, or maybe she didn't mean to shoot you down the way she did. Best thing would be to just talk to her calmly about it. Find out more about why she doesn't want to do it, be open to hearing what she has to say. It might work itself out... but not if you go in guns blazing, thinking she is deliberately being selfish and manipulative and keeping something from you that you deserve. There might be more to the story than you realise. 1
Author Jonno20 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 3 Quotes where there is CLEAR comparison and opinions of who is deserving of what. I get it, I understand that men feel like this, but the OP's GF is clearly young and doesn't have any diplomacy in this department, obviously. I am simply saying that this needs to be discussed, calmly, openly, with his GF. He is totally justified in wanting answers and deserves them, yes. But going into the conversation with the defense that he deserves it more than the ex did will get him nowhere. It's a mute point anyway. It will only make her defensive and drive them further apart. OP, give your GF the benefit of the doubt for now. Maybe you have your wires crossed, or maybe she didn't mean to shoot you down the way she did. Best thing would be to just talk to her calmly about it. Find out more about why she doesn't want to do it, be open to hearing what she has to say. It might work itself out... but not if you go in guns blazing, thinking she is deliberately being selfish and manipulative and keeping something from you that you deserve. There might be more to the story than you realise. We do have a good relationship otherwise so I will see what the deal is, I just don't understand why she would tell me in the first place, and secondly it's not like she didn't like it so it hurts that I haven't been able to experience this. It does definitely make me feel low though if I am honest.
Million.to.1 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 We do have a good relationship otherwise so I will see what the deal is, I just don't understand why she would tell me in the first place, and secondly it's not like she didn't like it so it hurts that I haven't been able to experience this. It does definitely make me feel low though if I am honest. Then tell her that. That's honest, and true and fair. ask her why she told you and if she realises how it makes you feel knowing that. Tell her you heard what her mum said and say you just want to know why she doesn't want to try it with you, and if something happened. that's all you can really do.
Arabella Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 So anal can cause physical damage? I didn't know that :-/ if it did then te guy is a real scumbag, he was much older to, she was only 18 at the time and he is 21 years older then her so maybe she felt she had to impress him? Oh yes it can. Google it. She may not have had physical damage from it, but there's definitely "wear and tear" associated with regular anal sex. A lot of younger girls do sexual things they don't feel comfortable with for the sake of pleasing their older and/or more experienced partners and then realize they never wanted to in the first place. 1
Arabella Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 That is a feeling I can relate to... if she had such a connection with her ex boyfriend then she is better off back with him right? Do you realize just how little sense this train of thought makes? So, because she had anal sex with her ex, that means they had a better relationship and should go back to him, right? Ooookay... I wonder how many of you would see this if a man would tell you he used to go down in his ex but he doesn't want to do it with you... I am sure you would not feel that understanding with your boyfriend then Oral sex can only be compared to oral sex. You're comparing it to... anal sex? Apples and oranges. 1
therhythm Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Oral sex can only be compared to oral sex. You're comparing it to... anal sex? Apples and oranges. There are both sexual acts ... but I guess that touch a nerve...
Author Jonno20 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 If she was sooooo adventurous with ex, but not with the new guy, something is not right with the picture. Would make me think the person is settling and not really in a relationship because she really wants to be with said person. At the very least this is grounds for breakup due to sexual incompatibility. She has put on a stone and a half since she met me and said its because she's happy/comfortable, I don't want to feel like she's not making an effort for me anymore as I make an effort for her!
Author Jonno20 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Oh yes it can. Google it. She may not have had physical damage from it, but there's definitely "wear and tear" associated with regular anal sex. A lot of younger girls do sexual things they don't feel comfortable with for the sake of pleasing their older and/or more experienced partners and then realize they never wanted to in the first place. Do lots of couples not enjoy this together though and some for quite a considerable amount of time? I didn't know that this caused damage. I did google it and got conflicting information, net doctor etc said if practiced properly its fine to enjoy together I didn't find many sites saying it caused permanent damage?
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