IHateHypocrites Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 The problem is that he takes it personally when his girlfriend doesn't want to do specific things with him that she used to to in the past. As if it had something to do with him. Also, he acts as if he has a right to it, so when he wants to do it, she has to want it, too. And since he has never experienced it, she is obliged to give him this experience because she already had it. And when he didn't get what he wanted, he threw a temper tantrum and pouted, at least that how he comes across online. 1. We don't know the reasons why. Which is why OP was told to ask his GF, actually, it has been said repeatedly by both sides. Actually, if reasons had nothing to do with him, that would make it even worse, because that would mean he could potentially never get anal in this relationship and would have to either accept it or break up for more willing person. If it had something to do with him, maybe he could take steps and rectify the situation. 2. Of course OP has the right to request anal from his GF. Just like his GF has a right to deny that request. And in turn OP can react to that denial accordingly: either by giving up his dream of anal and accepting it never happens with said girl, attempting to rectify circumstances which cause his GF to refuse anal (if possible), or breaking up with her and finding someone more willing to do so. What's so wrong with any of this? 1
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 1. We don't know the reasons why. Which is why OP was told to ask his GF, actually, it has been said repeatedly by both sides. Actually, if reasons had nothing to do with him, that would make it even worse, because that would mean he could potentially never get anal in this relationship and would have to either accept it or break up for more willing person. If it had something to do with him, maybe he could take steps and rectify the situation. 2. Of course OP has the right to request anal from his GF. Just like his GF has a right to deny that request. And in turn OP can react to that denial accordingly: either by giving up his dream of anal and accepting it never happens with said girl, attempting to rectify circumstances which cause his GF to refuse anal (if possible), or breaking up with her and finding someone more willing to do so. What's so wrong with any of this? If the best thing you can imagine getting from a relationship is anal then... If it is worth losing the entire relationship over, then do so. it obviously wasnt so great to begin with. Do you realize the request he's making does have physical ramifications? She might have enjoyed it once but maybe that's why she might not be so into it now? What i posted in a previous post.. ''she may have enjoyed it once but anal can have repercussions. Even the gay guys I know have suffered thanks to anal sex. Thing is, they don't have a choice. She does. An anal tear usually takes weeks to recover from, due to having to defecate and the cuts reopening. Trust me it's not fun.'' 1
Emilia Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Have you considered why the gf might not be so into it now? What i posted in a previous post.. ''she may have enjoyed it once but anal can have repercussions. Even the gay guys I know have suffered thanks to anal sex. Thing is, they don't have a choice. She does. An anal tear usually takes weeks to recover from, due to having to defecate and the cuts reopening. Trust me it's not fun.'' You are assuming that people are able to understand others' point of view. Or are prepared to contemplate it.
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) You are assuming that people are able to understand others' point of view. Or are prepared to contemplate it. Ohh we do... we understand that she may have her own reasons to don't want to do anal or anything else... If OP's girlfriend would post here I would tell her that she is in her own right to do with her body what she wants and no one should force her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Since it is OP the one who is seeking advise and not his girlfriend I give my advise to him by telling him that he is in his own right to don't be willing to settle for less than anyone else. He is the one who needs to understand if this situation is something that would make him feel bad about his whole relationship or not, if that is the case he should move on... If she has a physiological reason to avoid this act in concrete I would feel more understanding but if it is just because she just doesn't feel like doing it anymore then my advise based on my own response to that situation is to move on... Again... I don't understand why it is that hard to understand that this can be a deal breaker for OP... we all have our own different deal breakers. you should try using our own advise and try to understand others'point of view Edited July 8, 2013 by therhythm 1
IHateHypocrites Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) If the best thing you can imagine getting from a relationship is anal then... If it is worth losing the entire relationship over, then do so. it obviously wasnt so great to begin with. Do you realize the request he's making does have physical ramifications? She might have enjoyed it once but maybe that's why she might not be so into it now? What i posted in a previous post.. ''she may have enjoyed it once but anal can have repercussions. Even the gay guys I know have suffered thanks to anal sex. Thing is, they don't have a choice. She does. An anal tear usually takes weeks to recover from, due to having to defecate and the cuts reopening. Trust me it's not fun.'' First off, this thread is not about what I imagine is the best thing to get from a relationship, it's about what OP wants to get from a relationship. And nowhere is stated anal is that #1 thing for him, otherwise please show me quote confirming that. Anyway, it's his choice, and he didn't ask for thinly-veiled judgement "Is anal a good thing to get from a relationship?". If you want to make a thread "What is the best thing you can get from a relationship?", be my guest, but that discussion doesn't belong here. Second, I see no problem in breaking up, if his gf is very hard-headed about not having anal and he really wants it. I would say the same if roles were reversed. Or would you say it's OK for a girl to break up with a guy who won't go down on her, but NOT OK for a guy to break up with a girl who won't have anal sex? Third, I realize having anal sex can be painful for a recipient, therefore smart thing to do for OP would be to do a research from more experienced people in that area to avoid potential damage and make experience enjoyable. Except OP's gf stated she found anal enjoyable, which suggests damage has been largely or completely avoided in the past case, so it's not directly relevant to the issue "why won't she have it" and "merely" a pointer to make anal experience enjoyable again, should it happen (which certainly isn't a guarantee). Edited July 8, 2013 by IHateHypocrites 1
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) First off, this thread is not about what I imagine is the best thing to get from a relationship, it's about what OP wants to get from a relationship. And nowhere is stated anal is that #1 thing for him, otherwise please show me quote confirming that. Anyway, it's his choice, and he didn't ask for thinly-veiled judgement "Is anal a good thing to get from a relationship?". If you want to make a thread "What is the best thing you can get from a relationship?", be my guest, but that discussion doesn't belong here. Second, I see no problem in breaking up, if his gf is very hard-headed about not having anal and he really wants it. I would say the same if roles were reversed. Or would you say it's OK for a girl to break up with a guy who won't go down on her, but NOT OK for a guy to break up with a girl who won't have anal sex? Third, I realize having anal sex can be painful for a recipient, therefore smart thing to do for OP would be to do a research from more experienced people in that area to avoid potential damage and make experience enjoyable. Except OP's gf stated she found anal enjoyable, which suggests damage has been largely or completely avoided in the past case, so it's not directly relevant to the issue "why won't she have it" and "merely" a pointer to make anal experience enjoyable again, should it happen (which certainly isn't a guarantee). Lol. Excuse me, anal sex is not the same as oral sex. Mainly because no one is at risk of getting hurt during oral. If my bf were at risk of getting cuts all over his tongue from it, I would not ask him to perform such an act. And research doesn't negate the fact that the tissue around/in the anus is very, very fragile. You can go as slow as you want with use and entire bottle of lube, but that doesnt change the fact that nature did not intent for an object to be thrusted in and out of the anus repeatedly. Like I said many, many if not all gay guys I know have ended up with anal fissures, do you think they're novices at the act? No, they know how to do the deed. Anal tears happen. I also know two women who did like anal, then got anal tears and after a month of agony swore it off. If you had cuts reopening every time you defecated, I'm sure you'd reconsider as well. And why the laser focus on anal? There's a vagina there too people, it's a pretty amazing thing! better than the butt! AND it's made and built for sex, no anal tears involved. The level of entitlement is off the charts. Edited July 8, 2013 by camillalev 2
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 First off, this thread is not about what I imagine is the best thing to get from a relationship, it's about what OP wants to get from a relationship. And nowhere is stated anal is that #1 thing for him, otherwise please show me quote confirming that. Anyway, it's his choice, and he didn't ask for thinly-veiled judgement "Is anal a good thing to get from a relationship?". If you want to make a thread "What is the best thing you can get from a relationship?", be my guest, but that discussion doesn't belong here. Yes, and you advice the OP to end a relationship over anal and seek another relationship where he can find it. Why end what seems like an otherwise good relationship if anal, by your advice, is not one of the best things to get from a relationship?
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Lol. Excuse me, anal sex is not the same as oral sex. Mainly because no one is at risk of getting hurt during oral. If my bf were at risk of getting cuts all over his tongue from it, I would not ask him to perform such an act. And research doesn't negate the fact that the tissue around/in the anus is very, very fragile. You can go as slow as you want with use and entire bottle of lube, but that doesnt change the fact that nature did not intent for an object to be thrusted in and out of the anus repeatedly. Like I said many, many if not all gay guys I know have ended up with anal fissures, do you think they're novices at the act? No, they know how to do the deed. Anal tears happen. I also know two women who did like anal, then got anal tears and after a month of agony swore it off. If you had cuts reopening every time you defecated, I'm sure you'd reconsider as well. And why the laser focus on anal? There's a vagina there too people, it's a pretty amazing thing! better than the butt! AND it's made and built for sex, no anal tears involved. The level of entitlement is off the charts. I don't think anyone is saying that she needs to have anal with OP and much less if she has any kind of physiological issue (anal tears, fissures or what ever you want). If that is the case there is not much that she can do and it is up to OP if he is ok to be with a woman who can't perform that act. I would be understanding/ok with that and I love anal sex. I think OP is entitled to have his own deal breakers whatever they look crazy to you or not they are his deal breakers.... Then if she just doesn't want to perform that act with OP... then I would be much less understanding and I would also probably move on. At the end of the day who are we to judge OP's deal breakers? OP has asked for advise not for judgment 1
IHateHypocrites Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) @camillalev 1. Talk of anal fissures is irrelevant when OP's gf admitted she found it enjoyable. Unless anal fissures are enjoyable for OP's gf, we can assume they didn't happen with an ex. Therefore it falls flat as an explanation why wouldn't OP's gf have anal with him. If he wants to know, he should talk with her about it. 2. Why OP has laser focus on anal? Ask him, not me! I'm not OP in case you didn't notice. 3. Where exactly is supposed entitlement if he breaks up with her over no anal? 4. If you have no problem with breaking up with guy who won't give you oral, but you have problems with guy breaking up because of no anal (with all those "entitlement" complaints), you are in fact a hypocrite. As therhythm said, people can have any deal-breakers they see fit. If you allow yourself to have any arbitrary deal-breakers, yet deny others the same right, that indeed makes you a hypocrite. 5. And for the record, I didn't directly advise OP to break up with his gf. I have however stated, that if he wants to break up with her over that, I see nothing wrong with it. Just like if he decided to give up on anal and keep LTR with his gf, if that was what he wanted. Whatever makes one happy. Edited July 8, 2013 by IHateHypocrites 1
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) @camillalev 1. Talk of anal fissures is irrelevant when OP's gf admitted she found it enjoyable. Unless anal fissures are enjoyable for OP's gf, we can assume they didn't happen with an ex. Therefore it falls flat as an explanation why wouldn't OP's gf have anal with him. If he wants to know, he should talk with her about it. 2. Why OP has laser focus on anal? Ask him, not me! I'm not OP in case you didn't notice. 3. Where exactly is supposed entitlement if he breaks up with her over no anal? 4. If you have no problem with breaking up with guy who won't give you oral, but you have problems with guy breaking up because of no anal (with all those "entitlement" complaints), you are in fact a hypocrite. As therhythm said, people can have any deal-breakers they see fit. If you allow yourself to have any arbitrary deal-breakers, yet deny others the same right, that indeed makes you a hypocrite. 5. And for the record, I didn't directly advise OP to break up with his gf. I have however stated, that if he wants to break up with her over that, I see nothing wrong with it. Just like if he decided to give up on anal and keep LTR with his gf, if that was what he wanted. Whatever makes one happy. Actually, anal fissures are not irrelevant because they could have occurred after anal, and thereby turned her off to it. You do realize how getting anal tears work right? You become aware of them AFTER the fact. Like i said, I know many women who did like anal, then after getting an anal tear, they swore it off. Actually, you are focusing on anal. Funny thing, I said in several posts that I could relate to the OP, because he was upset over the sexual details his girlfriend revealed to him unnecessarily. Ive been in this position before and it was not pleasant. No one wants to hear about their partners past, especially not specific details. In most posts he actually focused on his gf so candidly telling him specifics about her sexual past and he was quite understandably upset by it. Like i said, anal is not analogous to oral. The main reason being that no one is at risk of getting hurt. How is it that you completely pass over that simple, yet enormous fact? Like I said, if my bf were at risk of getting cuts on his tongue from giving me oral I would not ask. However, I'm sure this is not something youre factoring in(clearly not) because its not your bum on the line. Edited July 8, 2013 by camillalev 2
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Actually, anal fissures are not irrelevant because they could have occurred after anal, and thereby turned her off to it. You do realize how getting anal tears work right? You become aware of them AFTER the fact. Like i said, I know many women who did like anal, then after getting an anal tear, they swore it off. Actually, you are focusing on anal. Funny thing, I said in several posts that I could relate to the OP, because he was upset over the sexual details his girlfriend revealed to him unnecessarily. Ive been in this position before and it was not pleasant. No one wants to hear about their partners past, especially not specific details. In most posts he actually focused on his gf so candidly telling him specifics about her sexual past. Like i said, anal is not analogous to oral. The main reason being that no one is at risk of getting hurt. How is it that you completely pass over that simple, yet enormous fact? Like I said, if my bf were at risk of getting cuts on his tongue from giving me oral I would not ask. This is not really about anal, I actually don't think anyone would have a problem with OP's girlfriend not having anal if she is hurt or has a physiological problem.... We are yet to know what exactly are her problems as OP has never really asked her why wouldn't she want to do it. I would see a problem if she would not have a physiological problem but she would still deny that act to OP... not really for the act itself but for the fact that she was willing to accommodate or try something with someone else but she is not willing to do it with OP... that tells a lot about her feelings for OP in comparison with the feelings she had with her EX... no one wants to settle for less than others when it comes to love. Then again for some people oral sex is gross or some religious folks think it is not accepted following their religion... they are in their own right to don't have oral sex as a woman to deny anal if she doesn't want to do it. Anything can be a deal breakers and they are not better or worse than others... you can't tell to OP what his deal breakers need to be... that is ridiculous... he can choose what is important for him ... Edited July 8, 2013 by therhythm 1
camillalev Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) This is not really about anal, I actually don't think anyone would have a problem with OP's girlfriend not having anal if she is hurt or has a physiological problem.... We are yet to know what exactly are her problems as OP has never really asked her why would she wouldn't want to do it. I would see a problem if she would not have a physiological problem but she would still deny that act to OP... not really for the act itself but for the fact that she was willing to accommodate or try something with someone else but she is not willing to do it with OP... that tells a lot about her feelings for OP in comparison with the feelings she had with her EX... no one wants to settle for less than others when it comes to love. Then again for some people oral sex is gross or some religious folks think it is not accepted following their religion... they are in their own right to don't have oral sex as a woman to deny anal if she doesn't want to do it. Anything can be a deal breakers and they are not better or worse than others... you can't tell to OP what his deal breakers need to be... that is ridiculous... he can choose what is important for him ... I was never telling him that his 'deal breakers' were wrong. His main dealbreaker seemed to be whether he could get over what she told him, and whether he could deal with his own retroactive jealousy. I understand wanting a level of intamacy and having something special with your partner. however if the OPs were to propose anal tomorrow and the gf said no, I wouldnt think she was wrong. She was in her previous relationship for 5 years, that is a long time to sit and get the know someone. The OP has been with her for 6 months, not very long and definitely not long in comparison to her previous R. 6 mos in youre still just getting to know someone. Anal is not something you ask then sternly expect from a woman. She must come to it herself, when/if she feel comfortable doing so. And that comes with time and mutual respect. Especially respect for boundaries. A guy can like to give anal, and walk away with little repercussion. A woman can like receiving anal, but there is the possibility of a big(and painful) price tag as a result. Yes, both parties may enjoy it, but who will be going to be walking away(with a limp) if things go bad? Edited July 8, 2013 by camillalev
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I was never telling him that his 'deal breakers' were wrong. His main dealbreaker seemed to be whether he could get over what she told him, and whether he could deal with his own retroactive jealousy. I understand wanting a level of intamacy and having something special with your partner. however if the OPs were to propose anal tomorrow and the gf said no, I wouldnt think she was wrong. She was in her previous relationship for 5 years, that is a long time to sit and get the know someone. The OP has been with her for 6 months, not very long and definitely not long in comparison to her previous R. Anal is not something you ask then sternly expect from a woman. She must come to it herself, if she feel comfortable doing so. And that comes with time and mutual respect. Especially respect for boundaries. A guy can like to give anal, and walk away with little repercussion. A woman can like receiving anal, but there is the possibility of a big(and painful) price tag as a result. Yes, both parties may enjoy it, but who will be going to be walking away(with a limp) if things go bad? I understand that having anal can have a physical tool for a woman... it is a risk many woman decide not to take and some decide to to. I would understand as well if OP''s girlfriend would say I am not ready yet to have anal sex with you that is a totally different thing than I will not do anal with you. She decided to be trusting and took all the risks with her ex... so why would be OP deserving less trust or risk taking for his pleasure? I will say this in bold I do agree that OP's girlfriend doesn't have any obligation to do anal with OP even when she did it before, even when she liked it, even when she has no physiological issues, she is not obligated to perform any sexual act she is not comfortable with, having said that OP's reaction to her decision is only OP's business and if he thinks that is a deal breaker, I totally understand him! 1
IHateHypocrites Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Actually, anal fissures are not irrelevant because they could have occurred after anal, and thereby turned her off to it. You do realize how getting anal tears work right? You become aware of them AFTER the fact. Like i said, I know many women who did like anal, then after getting an anal tear, they swore it off. Actually, you are focusing on anal. Funny thing, I said in several posts that I could relate to the OP, because he was upset over the sexual details his girlfriend revealed to him unnecessarily. Ive been in this position before and it was not pleasant. No one wants to hear about their partners past, especially not specific details. In most posts he actually focused on his gf so candidly telling him specifics about her sexual past and he was quite understandably upset by it. Like i said, anal is not analogous to oral. The main reason being that no one is at risk of getting hurt. How is it that you completely pass over that simple, yet enormous fact? Like I said, if my bf were at risk of getting cuts on his tongue from giving me oral I would not ask. However, I'm sure this is not something youre factoring in(clearly not) because its not your bum on the line. Actually, it doesn't even matter if it's anal, oral, no sex at all or if issue has nothing to do with sex at all. People can have their deal-breakers, period. If it's one for OP, so be it. Nobody forces a gf to conform to anything just to appease OP, she can say no just as well. And OP is not obligated to stay with her in turn, if he doesn't like the decision. What's so wrong with any of that? But if there was in fact anal in prior relationship, and it was reported to be enjoyable, your reasons no longer explain the issue adequately. It's not hard to see, how someone who never had anal read about it and was scared of potential fissures. Moreso, when they actually had anal and it was the result. When they had anal and it was reported to be enjoyable - not so much. Either gf is not honest about being enjoyable or there is other reason OP would have to find out for himself if he wanted to have anal with her. Or not, give up on anal, and be with her in spite of not getting it. Or say "screw it" and break up. You still haven't provided any explanation, what's wrong with such approach. 1
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Actually, it doesn't even matter if it's anal, oral, no sex at all or if issue has nothing to do with sex at all. People can have their deal-breakers, period. If it's one for OP, so be it. Nobody forces a gf to conform to anything just to appease OP, she can say no just as well. And OP is not obligated to stay with her in turn, if he doesn't like the decision. What's so wrong with any of that? But if there was in fact anal in prior relationship, and it was reported to be enjoyable, your reasons no longer explain the issue adequately. It's not hard to see, how someone who never had anal read about it and was scared of potential fissures. Moreso, when they actually had anal and it was the result. When they had anal and it was reported to be enjoyable - not so much. Either gf is not honest about being enjoyable or there is other reason OP would have to find out for himself if he wanted to have anal with her. Or not, give up on anal, and be with her in spite of not getting it. Or say "screw it" and break up. You still haven't provided any explanation, what's wrong with such approach. I actually don't see anything wrong with this approach. I will say this though... if I was the OP's girlfriend, and he broke up with me because I'd refused to provide anal sex, I would feel absolutely validated and relieved that I chose not to. In her position... if the OP had just said to me "okay, I understand... we don't have to do it" and actually MEAN it... it would've made me actually want to give it to him at least once, just so he can at least try it. Because that would show he cares about how I feel, and therefore make me want to show him that I care too, by giving him what he wants at least once. But what I find appalling is that they've been together for 6 months, and he's dumping her because she doesn't want anal sex. Wow. Sure, he's allowed to have deal-breakers... but this apparently only became one after he found out she's done it before. Furthermore, it just boggles my mind that he would value their relationship so little that this can ruin it. It really must not have been a very fulfilling relationship to begin with, and they're probably better off splitting. 1
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I actually don't see anything wrong with this approach. I will say this though... if I was the OP's girlfriend, and he broke up with me because I'd refused to provide anal sex, I would feel absolutely validated and relieved that I chose not to. In her position... if the OP had just said to me "okay, I understand... we don't have to do it" and actually MEAN it... it would've made me actually want to give it to him at least once, just so he can at least try it. Because that would show he cares about how I feel, and therefore make me want to show him that I care too, by giving him what he wants at least once. But what I find appalling is that they've been together for 6 months, and he's dumping her because she doesn't want anal sex. Wow. Sure, he's allowed to have deal-breakers... but this apparently only became one after he found out she's done it before. Furthermore, it just boggles my mind that he would value their relationship so little that this can ruin it. It really must not have been a very fulfilling relationship to begin with, and they're probably better off splitting. Again you are making a mistake by measuring the importance of the issue using your own standards rather than OP's. For OP it is a huge issue that his girlfriend would be more willing to trust and experiment things than with him, and it is his deal breaker... not the anal itself. You can make the same arguments for a person who break a relationship for almost anything... he valued his relationship so little that he broke it up because she cheated... or because she ended up in jail... I know you would think... well those are much worse things... but all depends about each person... there are people who would stay in a relationship even when their partner cheats but they would break if their partner used drugs or would not be sexual with them, some would accept emotional cheating but not physical cheating, .... well I am digressing here... what I mean is that you don't get to say what is important for OP... he is the one who needs to measure the value of his relationship against this issue and he is the one who needs to take the decisions he wants to make. I do think that if OP decide to break up his relationship with his girlfriend for this issue he would not care anymore if she feels validated for not doing anal with him or not... At that point they are not together anymore.... Edited July 8, 2013 by therhythm 1
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Again you are making a mistake by measuring the importance of the issue using your own standards rather than OP's. For OP it is a huge issue that his girlfriend would be more willing to trust and experiment things than with him, and it is his deal breaker... not the anal itself. You can make the same arguments for a person who break a relationship for almost anything... he valued his relationship so little that he broke it up because she cheated... or because she ended up in jail... I know you would think... well those are much worse things... but all depends about each person... there are people who would stay in a relationship even when their partner cheats but they would break if their partner used drugs or would not be sexual with them, some would accept emotional cheating but not physical cheating, .... well I am digressing here... what I mean is that you don't get to say what is important for OP... he is the one who needs to measure the value of his relationship against this issue and he is the one who needs to take the decisions he wants to make. Yeah, I see your point. But cheating is a flagrant breach of their commitment and trust, and committing a crime that lands you in jail is a life-altering event that can end a relationship by itself. It may be his fantasy, it may be even a deal-breaker to him... but don't make it sound like it's a major factor in a relationship, because it is just not. I agree that some sexual lifestyles are not compatible though. Say he wanted to live a BDSM relationship, and she was totally vanilla. I would understand them breaking up over it. Anal sex, though? What is it, when you really think about it? Sticking it into a tighter hole? What real significance does that have to the overall health of a relationship? In my mind, NONE. Not when they had a satisfactory sex life prior to this conversation. If he can end a relationship with somebody he's been with for six months over this, then he's clearly not that invested in her. His priority is getting anal sex, NOT being with her. And that's fine I guess... but then, what real motivation would she really have to give in to his desire? I would only see a woman putting herself into the position of doing something sexual she's not keen on, for a man who has proven is invested in her. I honestly think he should break up and go find a more like-minded girl. She will be better off in the long run also.
IHateHypocrites Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I actually don't see anything wrong with this approach. I will say this though... if I was the OP's girlfriend, and he broke up with me because I'd refused to provide anal sex, I would feel absolutely validated and relieved that I chose not to. In her position... if the OP had just said to me "okay, I understand... we don't have to do it" and actually MEAN it... it would've made me actually want to give it to him at least once, just so he can at least try it. Because that would show he cares about how I feel, and therefore make me want to show him that I care too, by giving him what he wants at least once. But what I find appalling is that they've been together for 6 months, and he's dumping her because she doesn't want anal sex. Wow. Sure, he's allowed to have deal-breakers... but this apparently only became one after he found out she's done it before. Furthermore, it just boggles my mind that he would value their relationship so little that this can ruin it. It really must not have been a very fulfilling relationship to begin with, and they're probably better off splitting. I do not see anything wrong with being validated after break up either. If it helps someone move on - even better for them! Then again, if issue at hand isn't necessarily flagrant, it may be worth it to discuss to see if satisfying consensus can be reached. But no delusions, not always it can be - sometimes other person is so hard-headed, unwilling to see other one's point or even blaming issue on them, that breaking up seems like the only viable solution. Though at least you can say you did what you could before breaking up, if that's any consolation. IMO some posters take issue with breaking up being an option at all, no matter surrounding circumstances. 2
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Yeah, I see your point. But cheating is a flagrant breach of their commitment and trust, and committing a crime that lands you in jail is a life-altering event that can end a relationship by itself. It may be his fantasy, it may be even a deal-breaker to him... but don't make it sound like it's a major factor in a relationship, because it is just not. I agree that some sexual lifestyles are not compatible though. Say he wanted to live a BDSM relationship, and she was totally vanilla. I would understand them breaking up over it. Anal sex, though? What is it, when you really think about it? Sticking it into a tighter hole? What real significance does that have to the overall health of a relationship? In my mind, NONE. Not when they had a satisfactory sex life prior to this conversation. If he can end a relationship with somebody he's been with for six months over this, then he's clearly not that invested in her. His priority is getting anal sex, NOT being with her. And that's fine I guess... but then, what real motivation would she really have to give in to his desire? I would only see a woman putting herself into the position of doing something sexual she's not keen on, for a man who has proven is invested in her. I honestly think he should break up and go find a more like-minded girl. She will be better off in the long run also. Yes, I just put the example of the jail or cheating to maximize the effect of the point I wanted to make. What I am trying to say is that for OP the problem is not the anal sex... it wasn't a problem before she brought it up, probably it was something he wanted to experience but not a big deal. His problem is the fact that she was willing to do this kind of acts with another guy and not with him... this for him (in his eyes, and honestly in mine too) is an emotional betrayal... Is telling someone that other person was more special for her and therefore she allowed that person to do something with her which she is not willing to allow him... You can give as many other arguments on why she can do this but the problem is that for OP this reads as I am presenting you and that is something that he can't accept. I actually don't necessarily think they need to break up, I think they need to talk and be honest about their reasons and if they can get to a compromise then yes, they should break and look for people more understanding on both sides. But that is just my opinion... OP has all the right to do what he wants! Edited July 8, 2013 by therhythm
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 I do not see anything wrong with being validated after break up either. If it helps someone move on - even better for them! Then again, if issue at hand isn't necessarily flagrant, it may be worth it to discuss to see if satisfying consensus can be reached. But no delusions, not always it can be - sometimes other person is so hard-headed, unwilling to see other one's point or even blaming issue on them, that breaking up seems like the only viable solution. Though at least you can say you did what you could before breaking up, if that's any consolation. IMO some posters take issue with breaking up being an option at all, no matter surrounding circumstances. No, I believe breaking up is definitely an option. This is bringing up a CLEAR difference in priorities between them. He wants anal more than he wants her. She doesn't. For all you know, if she knew he feels this way, she might very well dump him! It doesn't sound like she's unwilling to work with him though. He hasn't even tried to talk to her about it. He's the one who appears hard-headed and unwilling to take anything but "yes" as an answer. He seems unconcerned with what her reasons are. All he has said is that he's going to ask for it, and if she says no, he will dump her. What does that kind of behavior tell you? Personally, it tells me that his priority is getting anal sex, not being with her. Maybe he should enlighten her to this fact sooner rather than later, so she can make her own decision too! 1
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 No, I believe breaking up is definitely an option. This is bringing up a CLEAR difference in priorities between them. He wants anal more than he wants her. She doesn't. For all you know, if she knew he feels this way, she might very well dump him! It doesn't sound like she's unwilling to work with him though. He hasn't even tried to talk to her about it. He's the one who appears hard-headed and unwilling to take anything but "yes" as an answer. He seems unconcerned with what her reasons are. All he has said is that he's going to ask for it, and if she says no, he will dump her. What does that kind of behavior tell you? Personally, it tells me that his priority is getting anal sex, not being with her. Maybe he should enlighten her to this fact sooner rather than later, so she can make her own decision too! No ... he doesn't want anal more than anything... anal was not even a problem before she mentioned it. I think I explained it good in the bellow post Y His problem is the fact that she was willing to do this kind of acts with another guy and not with him... this for him (in his eyes, and honestly in mine too) is an emotional betrayal... Is telling someone that other person was more special for her and therefore she allowed that person to do something with her which she is not willing to allow him... You can give as many other arguments on why she can do this but the problem is that for OP this reads as I am presenting you and that is something that he can't accept. But I agree with you that he is really not being rational and that he should discuss it with his girlfriend, honest and open communication would help them both... He can still choose to leave her if he is still not happy with the answers she may give him.
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 No ... he doesn't want anal more than anything... anal was not even a problem before she mentioned it. I think I explained it good in the bellow post But I agree with you that he is really not being rational and that he should discuss it with his girlfriend, honest and open communication would help them both... He can still choose to leave her if he is still not happy with the answers she may give him. Yes, you've explained, and I understand your point of view. I just don't believe it to be a valid reasoning... but I can't be bothered to continue arguing it with you, since others have done so and you still don't "get" our perspective or grant any validity to it. So, I'm just going to leave that one alone and call it a difference of opinions He can still choose to leave her, yes... but like I said, he may not even get a chance to do so. If I was posed with the same dilemma ("give me anal or else"), I'd leave him in a heartbeat. Just too different priorities/perspectives of what matters in a relationship. I'd suggest to the OP that if he cares about this girl at all, he threads very carefully during that conversation.
therhythm Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) Yes, you've explained, and I understand your point of view. I just don't believe it to be a valid reasoning... but I can't be bothered to continue arguing it with you, since others have done so and you still don't "get" our perspective or grant any validity to it. So, I'm just going to leave that one alone and call it a difference of opinions He can still choose to leave her, yes... but like I said, he may not even get a chance to do so. If I was posed with the same dilemma ("give me anal or else"), I'd leave him in a heartbeat. Just too different priorities/perspectives of what matters in a relationship. I'd suggest to the OP that if he cares about this girl at all, he threads very carefully during that conversation. I do understand your point of view totally but I just don't agree with you and I don't think you understand mine at all... I don't think he should tell her "give me anal or else"... that is ridiculous!... I think he should just ask why don't you want to do this with me if you didn't have any problem with doing it with someone else... then wait for an answer and act in consequence. Coerce, imposing or forcing another person to do what is not willing to do is totally out of the question and no ones point here... If he is going to ask her in the way you are saying it I would also hope she would dump him. I don't have a problem either with OP accepting that she is not going to do that and staying with her if that is his choice... but all those passive aggressive comments (you don't deserve her if you act like that, she is better off without you, you are insecure, etc) are not acceptable for me. I think OP has the right to find this a deal breaker... he is asking for advise not for judgment! And it is ok for me to let it be as a difference of opinions... actually it is what it is... Edited July 8, 2013 by therhythm
Arabella Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 (edited) I do understand your point of view totally but I just don't agree with you and I don't think you understand mine at all... I don't think he should tell her "give me anal or else"... that is ridiculous!... I think he should just ask why don't you want to do this with me if you didn't have any problem with doing it with someone else... then wait for an answer and act in consequence. Coerce, imposing or forcing another person to do what is not willing to do is totally out of the question and no ones point here... If he is going to ask her in the way you are saying it I would also hope she would dump him. I do understand your point. I really do. Like I said, I just don't really want to argue with you, since it has proven fruitless already. I simplified the issue to "give me anal or else" because that's basically what the issue boils down to for him. He has stated that he's going to ask for it, and if she says no, then that's that. That position seems hard-headed and uncaring to me. At the end of the day... say he goes and asks for it, and tells her how he feels that this is a deal-breaker for him... and she gives in. Do you realize what that's going to mean? Her feelings on it probably won't change at all. She will simply force herself to do it because she loves him and doesn't want him to leave. There is more to human interaction than black and white. The above scenario sounds an awful lot like using her love for him to get her to do something she doesn't want to do. You may not call it forcing her, but I do. I wouldn't say that there's a middle ground here, at this point. She has stated how she feels about it. He can either accept it, or leave her. Jesus, I try to put myself in his position, and it just doesn't compute in my mind. If there was a sexual act that was a deal-breaker for me, and my man agreed to do it only for my sake, I would NEVER be able to actually enjoy it, knowing that he's just doing it for me. He might enjoy seeing me enjoy it, but that's simply not good enough to me... he needs to derive sexual satisfaction from it too, in order for me to be fully able to enjoy it also. Therefore, if he said "no, I don't want to do X", I would try to understand why not... but if ultimately he just doesn't want to, then that's that. I'll do without because my relationship with him matters more than that one single sexual act. This is why I just don't get the OP's mindset. He would rather have his GF force herself to do something she doesn't want for his sake. To me, that shows very clearly where his priorities lie. Edited July 8, 2013 by Arabella 1
TheGuard13 Posted July 8, 2013 Posted July 8, 2013 Here's hoping the OP has actually talked to his girlfriend about this by now, because the window for being able to appropriately bring this up is closing fast.
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