How much damage could OW do?

[Queen of Sheba]

New to forum. Have found many of the questions asked and answered really helpful. Always good to know that one is not alone and is quite normal! I started a post of questions to ask and it was 5 pages LOL!!! So thought better of posting it!

OH had affair with someone he later found to have a few issues. I think she was abused as child and is prone to depression and much of her behaviour/conversation presents itself as "victim". I feel sorry for her, my OH lied and led her on big time. He thinks she led him on too which of course he would trying to lay some of the blame at her door! I think she loved him from what I have seen and heard, he thinks she wanted a meal ticket. I wish her no ill at all. Soon as OH finished it she was teling me all about the affair within an hour. I have assumed this to be that she was so hurt and felt used that she thought if she couldn't have him she would disrupt our lives so either he would go back to her or at least get revenge and ruin his life? Are those the reasons the OW tells?

She has hundreds of pictures and texts which she kept. I got sent many of them. What are the chances of her putting these on the Internet for all to see? Or using them in someway to embarrass us as we try and put our lives back together, or a couple of years down the line when she sees we are still together? Anyone had experience of this? She risked a lot, I could have lost her her job, told her OH and she would have lost everything. As I say, I wish her no ill, she didn't know me, she didn't betray me, but she took the risk of my doing these things so wonder if she'll do it months down the line or will she just come to terms with it? No guarranteed answers of course but wondered what people thought?

So sorry about the ramble!

[Queen of Sheba]

I know he won't go back to her. It was certainly just for sex. (Don't get me wrong there are 1001 other things I am hurt about the betrayal and lies and continued lies after it finished... and building up trust that he won't do it again is an issue but it won't be with her if he does) but I do feel sorry for her. It is quite clear she is hurting. I suppose I want to do damage limitation for her and me. What would help her heal quicker and easier? Knowing that we are still together? She knows we are and for all intents and purposes carrying on as normal (although we all know normal doesn't quite cover it!) knowing that he never loved her? Knowing that he used her? Do these things help someone hate the WS or are they likely to make her feel worse and want to exact more revenge? Presumably she'll come to that conslucion at some point anyway?

[Queen of Sheba]

Thank you. Yes we have a fantastic counsellor, really like her professionally and I'm sure on a personal level we'd be friends in other circumstances and certainly good professional colleagues with mutual respect which I think really helps in taking on board what she says. She has said much of what you say! Quite surprised at myself for thinking of her really! I don't know, partly because I think she has mental health issues, partly because it's my OH that did her damage (bloody hell - I don't have guilt about that do I??!) partly because the quicker she heals the less likely she is to do us more damage. She has done nothing last couple of months but...

[underwater2010]

I wouldn't worry about her putting it all out there for everyone to see. In fact bluff her if you have to about having all the stuff she sent too. Tell her you will keep it safe, if she keeps her stuff safe.

 

Be prepared to pull the trigger right back if she goes nuts. You have to realize that your husband deserves whatever comes his way, just as she will deserve it too. You cannot control the behavior of others. He chose her.

[Furious]

New to forum. Have found many of the questions asked and answered really helpful. Always good to know that one is not alone and is quite normal! I started a post of questions to ask and it was 5 pages LOL!!! So thought better of posting it!

OH had affair with someone he later found to have a few issues. I think she was abused as child and is prone to depression and much of her behaviour/conversation presents itself as "victim". I feel sorry for her, my OH lied and led her on big time. He thinks she led him on too which of course he would trying to lay some of the blame at her door! I think she loved him from what I have seen and heard, he thinks she wanted a meal ticket. I wish her no ill at all. Soon as OH finished it she was teling me all about the affair within an hour. I have assumed this to be that she was so hurt and felt used that she thought if she couldn't have him she would disrupt our lives so either he would go back to her or at least get revenge and ruin his life? Are those the reasons the OW tells?

She has hundreds of pictures and texts which she kept. I got sent many of them. What are the chances of her putting these on the Internet for all to see? Or using them in someway to embarrass us as we try and put our lives back together, or a couple of years down the line when she sees we are still together? Anyone had experience of this? She risked a lot, I could have lost her her job, told her OH and she would have lost everything. As I say, I wish her no ill, she didn't know me, she didn't betray me, but she took the risk of my doing these things so wonder if she'll do it months down the line or will she just come to

terms with it? No guarranteed answers of course but wondered what people thought?

So sorry about the ramble!

 

 

 

Many people enter affairs and presume the affair partner is stable "normal" and do not recognize the red flags that may be subtle. In my opinion most WS's and an OW/OM who engage in affairs have deep seeded issues and an affair is only the tip of the Iceberg as to why they would choose deceit rather than being authentic in their lives.

 

Affairs are a gamble and when there's a d-day no one really knows the outcome of that event. Perhaps your husband misled his OW or she had unrealistic expectations. Your husband is 100% responsible for his actions and choice and the cost of it is a spurned and angry OW. If she knowingly involved herself with a married man she must own 100% of that choice and decision.

 

It's very common for the betrayed spouse to become the target and sometimes the scapegoat in affairs that have ended badly.

 

My advice to you is to not give your cheating husband cheap forgiveness and to not focus solely onto the bizarre behaviour of the OW and your fear of her exposing and hurting you further. They both choose to betray you and are now putting you in the middle of their dysfunctional choices.

 

I highly recommend that instead of playing the, he said...she said...game, that you concentrate on taking care of yourself and taking a step back from all this ridiculous drama. You have done nothing wrong and no matter what the OW says or does is not something you deserved or invited into your life.

 

Whatever she says or does is meant to indirectly hurt you, but her main objective is vengeance against your husband. He invited this and now it's up to him to deal with it. What had he said or done that is proactive in protecting you and proactive in his remorse for his actions?

Edited July 2, 2013 by Furious

[Queen of Sheba]

Thanks for all your replies. I have seen that she is a litle unhinged, that hasn't all come from Oh although he may well be saying she is more unhinged than she is. I certainly think she has mental health issues, she has been known to have depression and taken medication for it. Bizarre things she has done in the past show that she likes attention for being a victim so my guess is that she is milking this with people she knows.

 

I don't know really what is going on because OH cut off all contact with her. But I was sent screen shots of texts and photos he had sent over Twitter. Pleasant eh?! Oh told her to stop or he would tell her OH, she carried on and said he knew. We don't know either way. I got the police involved and she stopped. OH doesn't think she will do anymore but I just have a worry that as we move forward she'll drop a spanner in the works and up it will all come again, a text proving more lies etc. She would risk at the very least a warning and therefore a police record if she did anything now.

 

She continued to tweet things that were about him/to him (he's not on Twitter) which she thought I would see. Most were just pathetic and dellusional such as making out she was seeing him when I know for a fact he isn't. She has started a blog about it. I am well aware that this will be full of lies as well as truth so have no intention of reading it. (e.g. she told me to take him to a restaurant that he hates because he prefers it so either she is really stupid or just tells lies to make it look worse. Which I odd because the truth is bad enough!) I kept looking and then one day I decided it was stupid to keep looking. It either made me angry with her or OH or made me want to have a go at her which I know would inflame the situation. So as much as I am curious to see if she is getting on with life/seeking sympathy/still trying to upset us I have resisted looking after a few weeks. Hard though!

Edited July 3, 2013 by Queen of Sheba

[Queen of Sheba]

Truth is she could do whatever she wants... but she probably won't. He admits he lied and led her on. I'm glad you know that because that's going to be key in how she responds to all of this. Chances are if she really is in love/was in love with him the texts/pictures etc are probably safe. She's going to see them as private and not want to hurt HIM or the memory of what they have.

 

That's interesting. The texts she sent were of him saying he loved her (which I do know not to be true) and wanted to be with her. The pictures were of him naked that he sent her and one of my son (which I am not sure I can ever forgive him for sending) and others of him he didn't know she took. Because of this I don't know if she took pics of him in bed etc. She didn't actually send any where she declared anything, it was all to make him look bad and not her! LOL! What I mean is that they showed him doing the running. So do wonder why I didn't get sent any where they were making out they loved each other. She is quite happy to hurt him by hurting me but I still think she loves him because she knows she isn't going to have him.

 

But him acting like she's crazy/downplaying what he's done, acting like she wanted him for a meal ticket (truth.. .married men aren't meal tickets.. .married men usually cost the OW money in the long run) then eventually her broken heart is going to get very angry and then all bets are off.

This is what worries me, will it all sink in and she'll rear her head again? Counsellor and oH say worry about it when it happens but it aint that easy is it?!

 

If she really did risk all that to be with him, then trust me, she didn't do it for what she would see as petty reasons. She didn't do it just for sex or money, she did it because she felt it was WORTH it.

Risk the affair or risk sending me stuff and risk OH telling her OH? I do think that if my OH told hers she would be out on her ear with no roof over head. The house is his.

 

 

Chances are if she has a lot to lose then she's probably just going to want to go hide to heal, but if she feels for whatever reason she has nothing left to lose then it's a wild card.

Yep - my worry is that she will feel that she has nothing to lose, she has already taken big risks. She would now risk a criminal record as well.

Do you think the more time goes by the less likely she is to do something or not?

[SweetiePie12]

On the other end of the spectrum, some OW wouldn't bother with the BS, no matter how many personal mementos she's amassed.

 

Some BSs already know or strongly suspect/accept/take it or leave it. You could inbox somebody, but in some cases, you wouldn't be the first

[Queen of Sheba]

I'm sure she is hurting and you are a far nobler person than I for feeling bad for her but it's high time she was excised from your marriage completely don't you think?

 

Sometimes its noble sometimes I want to be vindictive and show how we are still together and wind her up. It would be very easy and tempting. Would make me feel better but don't know what it would achieve other than punishing her for punishing me sending me details I didn't need to know etc.

[save150]

Sometimes its noble sometimes I want to be vindictive and show how we are still together and wind her up. It would be very easy and tempting. Would make me feel better but don't know what it would achieve other than punishing her for punishing me sending me details I didn't need to know etc.

 

I too would like to be vindictive towards "our" OW. She jumped into it with both feet forward and harassed WH endlessly to get him to leave me. I read through horrible, horrible vitriol against me in emails and messages. From someone I only met once in my life. See, I would have a shred of sympathy for her if she didn't know, but, she knew and she went for the jugular.

 

She can't do any damage to me. BUT, if she goes public with everything the only damage done is to WS. He prides himself on his reputation and outing him with this Affair would be really bad - for him.

 

Seriously? I think he deserves the embarrassment. But I think he was portrayed as a single man to her personal group of friends and cohorts. (Although I have proof that a couple of their mutual friends knew about the affair.) If she outs him, I believe she will be embarrassing herself in front of a bigger crowd.

[So happy together]

You know, I was OW then my bf left his wife. He's been gone seven months. I honestly don't think I would have ever sent emails or texts from him, mostly because it's private and I don't believe in trying to hurt someone deliberately.

 

I come on this forum to vent because I need somewhere to do so, but would not ever bad mouth her to live people. It's just not in my nature to do so. When she found our secret cell phone there was all kinds of evidence which would incriminate him. Hundreds of text messages, pictures (nothing nude, but... sensual in nature). I'm single so it's not the same for me. He chose to leave because he was severely unhappy and he loves me. She, on the other hand, has said all kinds of horrible things about me, called me names to his daughter, called my home, told people my kids were his (they are not)... worse things. Some will say I deserved it, some won't. I don't think I did. So really, it can go either way.

[2sure]

My XH was a serial cheater, so all in all there were many OW and nearly all had no idea I existed. So, that was helpful in my personal recovery because I wasn't dealing with another person on top of it all. There was one that knew, and although he and she were not important to each other, the fact that she knew me made me feel violated. She was not remorseful initially.

 

Aside from the infidelity, lies, and betrayal my XH inflicted on our family, I was just aghast at the risk he took with our privacy. He found his marks on the Internet, he preyed on women who were vulnerable or desperate or dicey. Those are the people he invited into my life without my consent. Granted, he tried to remain anonymous...but seriously.

 

Any one of them could have been a bunny boiler. To the unremorseful OW who knew about me, turns out she risked a lot to becuause in her case the BS was the bunny boiler.