macintosh1517 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hi everyone, I posted a thread about my situation a couple months ago and the two responses I got really helped. So this post is about whats kinda happened since because I still need help. Between the bolded words I posted what I said in my last post just as background info which is probably needed to understand everything in this post. I'm sorry I wrote a novel, but I'm so very grateful for anyone and everyone that takes the time to read through and help me. This is my post from before for background information. Sorry about the length! Previous Post:In my school district, the 6 elementary schools merge into 3 middle schools, and then into 1 high school. So in sixth grade I met this girl, who I'll call Rose for anonymity's sake. Now in sixth grade I, looking back, was actually a really mean person. And I met this girl Rose who I became 'frenemies' with ( we decided on that term then). At this time I had actually had a small crush on her best friend and didn't really think I'd ever have feelings for Rose. Well sixth grade came and went, as did half of 7th grade as Rose and I maintained our 'frenemy' status. The best friend that I had a small crush on turned out to be a b*tch and still to this day I don't talk to her. But everything with Rose changed during winter break. For some reason one night during winter break I had a dream about Rose. It was me in her holding hands, happily, in just a white abyss background. I don't know why I dreamed of that since I had never really thought of Rose like this before. From that time forward I couldn't get her off my mind. Then the first day back from winter break came and as she was getting onto the school bus I was just taken aback. I don't know if it was the first time I really noticed her or what, but I just can't even put it into words. The way her hair was fixed, and her smile, overall she took my breath away. I knew instantly that I wanted to be with her, but she is the nicest person on this Earth and me being as mean as I was probably had no chance with her. So I decided to change who I was and to this day I'm still proud of who I changed into. I became a much better, nicer, and compassionate person. So for the next few months I worked on being nicer to her and getting to know her. By April we were best friends, and secret lovers. At that time I had no idea if she 'liked' me. So I confided in a friend of ours... Big mistake... This friend than went and told her that I 'liked' her. (Afterwards he send me the AIM conversation he had with her) And, to my joy, she said that she liked me back. But before I knew that, he sent me an email telling me that she liked me, and I was just beside myself. I remember dancing around in my room joyously like a 2 year old. At the same time though, this friend sent Rose an email saying that I liked her. ( Again, i didn't know this at that time.) So we both knew that we liked each other, but we didn't know that we both knew. I don't remember perfectly what else happened but some other things played out and I think she gave me a note asking who I liked. And I stupidly said something along the lines of,'not you'....................................... I still don't know why I said that. I think it was because i thought I wasn't ready to tell her, or that I didn't truly know if she liked me back, after all, that friend could have been lying. But most of all I wanted to play it safe and not loose my best friend. Unfortunately for me, I made the worst mistake I could've made. So school ended soon thereafter and our main forms of communication were by email and skype. In August I received an email from her saying that we shouldn't really be friends, there's no point in it, and it's not doing any good to us. I tried to skype her to fix it, but since I'm so shy, i couldn't say what I really wanted to say. She didn't talk to me for the next two weeks and those were the worst two weeks of my life. I wrote draft emails to her telling her that I loved being her friend, and really wanted to be more than friends. I only planned on sending them if she was dead serious about never talking again. I was able to convince her that we should be friends again, probably from just annoying her about it, and about 2 months after eighth grade started, she was my best friend again. The first week of November my cousin got married. I played music during the mass and attended the reception afterwards. The countless number of love songs and the aura of love in the air was to much for me and I knew I had to tell Rose how I really felt soon. She'd been asking for a month or so who I liked, so the Sunday after the wedding I told her on AIM that it was her. I don't remember exactly how she responded, but we agreed to talk about it more later. We only had one, very awkward, day of school that week and since we had a break and Rose went on vacation. So the next Saturday we went for a walk and again being as shy as I am couldn't really bring myself to talk about it. We just talked about random stuff but right before our walk was over I asked her if she would 'go out' with me. She said yes. I was ecstatic. Beyond ecstatic. I don't know the proper word to describe how happy i was. That was November 12, 2011. Now let's skip to June 8, 2012. 6 months and about 27 days later. 5 hugs. No handholding. No kisses. No dates. Not even our parents knew. It was basically a glorified friendship with a title. If there ever be an example of how shyness can be devastating, this is a great one. I pretty much blame myself because I was the most shy. I wasn't able to buy her anything for christmas/her birthday, etc, since our parents didn't know. I wrote her a card for each occasion and promised that soon everything would be better. It never was. We went on countless walks, where my main goal was to simply hold her hand. Not once was I able to. Our first hug was actually forced my another person who was near us who was shocked when we left and didn't hug. It's not that I didn't want to hug her or hold her hand. I wanted to show her that she did mean a lot to mean and that I really do like her, but I was to shy to ever do anything. June 8th was the last dance of the 8th grade/middle school career and we both went. I was so shy that I didn't even talk to her, let alone dance with her. That night we mutually decided over AIM to end our friendship with a title and just be friends. In our effort to try to be friends we talked over AIM and she was telling me about this online blog thing she does called Piczo. She was showing me some people's things on it and made me promise that if I ever found hers, not to look at it. (You can't search for people on it, you need to know their URLs.) But as fate would have it, her picture was on the home screen spotlighting some achievement. My need to know how she felt about me and us overpowered my morals and I looked at it. I read her recent post about us and it made me cry. She basically went over everything I have here, but from her point of view. I learned that when I told her that it wasn't her I liked in seventh grade she went home, cut, scratched, and gagged herself until she threw up. I still hate myself for being the cause of this. All I ever wanted to do was help her, to be there for her. But all I ended up doing was hurting her. Then she went on with the story and did say though that even though it was only a friendship with a title, I was still really sweet. I couldn't compliment her in person, or anything because of being so shy. Everything was over the internet. A few occasions when she was talking about herself and how she looks, I told her that she really is the most beautiful girl in the world. I really meant it, in fact I still mean it. She told me that once we were in high school, and we met the 500 hundred other kids from the other middle schools that I would look back on us and think it was silly and find someone else. I told her I wouldn't, but there was always that voice in my head that told me she was probably right. So that night, June 8th, I wrote her a letter just telling her how I felt and what not. I did so for over a month until the middle of July. By this point I never saw her since school was out and we hadn't talked at all online. She was basically out of my life and I thought that I was moving on. That all changed once High School came. For the past 7 months of high school, not much has changed in our relationship. We have English together, and did talk. However after Winter Break I learned that it was her New Years Resolution not to talk to me (where I read this she didn't mention a name, but since she didn't respond to my 2 or 3 emails I sent her, i rightfully assumed it was me.) One day her friend told me that I was only creeping Rose out and making her mad. This was actually untrue, and Rose emailed me, apologizing for what her friend said. We exchanged a few emails but not much. She didn't respond to the last email I sent her so instead I wrote her a letter about how we have to talk and resolve everything because I can't keep going on like this. I don't know how she really feels about me. I rewrote the letter 8 times during the day, but walked right by her when I went to give it to her. I told myself that couldn't let this keep happening so I conjured up all of my courage and went back to her locker to give it to her. I did so, said a few words, than I left to catch my bus. I told her not to email me since every time we decided something online, it was always awkward in person. I wanted to talk in person. She agreed about a month ago but we haven't talked since. She's not avoiding me or whatnot, we just haven't talked. I'm hoping to tomorrow. I've tried to move on, but I can't. There were two girls who I thought I might like and try to have a relationship with. They were pretty, smart, etc. but the thing that they shared in common was that they weren't Rose. Since it's going on 2 years now of liking her and wanting to be with her, I don't think it's a silly crush anymore. Honestly I don't know what I feel, I just know that it's too much. When I walk by her in the hallway I hold my breath and bite my tongue. When I'm stuck walking behind her after English, I take the other stair well because being so close, yet so far away to just so painful. The one day we literally ran into each other around a corner and I said sorry, but no words came out. There was this sharp shock feeling, I can't describe it, that went through my body, and I had to breathe deeply for a few seconds while my locker supported me. We've made eye contact a few times, and each time the image of her green eyes are ingrained in my mind for the rest of the week. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. EVERYTHING reminds me of her. Hamburgers, she liked cows and refuses to eat beef. It seems like every time I listen to the radio a song/artist that she likes is on. Reminders of her are everywhere. I would give everything to have a chance to fix everything, to do it over. If she would allow me the chance to try again, I would take it in heartbeat. But I really don't know how she feels. I just don't know what to do to. I want to be her friend again and eventually in time, I would love to be her boyfriend again. But for now I'll just settle on friends. I've gone over the conversation literally thousands of times in my mind on how I will say what I want to say to her, how she'll respond, and etc. But chances are once we get in person I'll just freeze like I did all last year. I don't want to talk over the internet. That's proved not to yield any good results. I could call her, but I think that might be just like online. End of Previous Post So that post was up to around April timeframe. A lot has happend since then. Rose and I have talked actually a lot, not in person of course. We emailed each other back and forth a bit and we decided to talk in person. I told her over email that I need her in my life. I told her that I can't live without her as my friend. She has been and always will be apart of my life and I can't keep going on without her. I told her that I can't physically and emotionally do it anymore. She said that she was pretty shocked to hear this since she hadn't really thought of me that much. To try to soften it she said that she has been really really busy this year and hasn't had time for much of anything. I asked her if she'd ever like me more than a friend and she said probably not. But then she said that she really doesn't know because she's really confused and would tell me if she ever changed her mind. Then around this time something happened between her and her one good friend and they weren't friends anymore. I think that the friend told Rose's parents a bunch of private stuff, some of it about me, too. Rose told me that we had to talk in person soon because she was going to start with a new therapist because the one she has isn't helping her and she keeps messing up friendships. She said that she needs time to think things through and focus on herself before other people. I told her that that's perfectly fine, but I also told her that our friendship was the one that she didn't mess up. I messed ours up. I told her that I would always be there for her if she needed anything at all. The one email she sent sounded suicidal so I pleaded to her to not do anything stupid because I wouldn't be able to live without her. I told her that if she can't find any other reason to stay here to think of me because I would probably follow right behind her if she did. She had planned to but didn't do anything that night, thank God. The problem we faced was that we couldn't come up with time to talk in person, we could never get together, on top of that I wasn't exactly sure of everything I was going to tell her. I just went for a walk by myself one night in June and just thought to myself out loud about everything i would say to her. I would tell her that I read her blog because I respect her to much to not tell her. I would tell her how sorry I was for messing everything up between us and that I would do anything to go back and do it over again. I went through how I always wanted to be there for her, to not hurt her, to help her, to not judge her for anything she told me, to be her best friend. I said how I still like her more than a friend and how she's been on my mind constantly. I told her about the letters I wrote her and how I even began to write her a song ( I'm very musically inclined and started to write Rose a song last summer. Not that I don't trust anybody here, but I do plan on finishing the song and publishing it one day so I won't right out the lyrics. But if I may say so, it's beautiful. I've figured out the verses and recently I figured out the last verse. In all the other verses I'm basically asker her to wait for me, but then the last one I say to her that i'll wait for her and I changed the key too. When I played it for the first time that way on the piano I got so emotional I couldn't play it. I just wanted to breakdown and cry right there) And then, I, to myself since she wasn't there, told her that I love her. Then I said it again. And again. And i was shocked that I had said that I love her because it hadn't really occurred to me before. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was true. I really think i love her. I admit that I'm young and say inexperienced and probably don't even know what love is, but as far as I know what love is, I love her. In late April I became friends with this girl who I'll call Sally. We really didn't see each other much but did talk in the hallways at school. Sally began to wait at my locker for me and talk to me all the way to the bell before 5th period. Some other things happened and I was really getting the feeling that she had started to 'like' me. I didn't really know what to do since I felt like i loved Rose. I couldn't decide if I should chase the girl who's been on my mind the past 2 1/2 years who might not ever feel the same way, or if I should go for the girl who actually does 'like' me. It took a few days but I realized that I would follow my heart, not my mind, and chase after Rose. The fact that I couldn't look at Sally when she talked to me because all i saw was Rose really decided it for me. I dreaded the day I would have to Sally I don't like her because she'd be hurt and I don't want to hurt her. Now move to yesterday. I'm on vacation and Rose and I have yet to talk in person. We could've Skyped but I said no. I want to be there in person. I want to actually be there and look her in the eyes when I tell her all this stuff. What I tell her will be overwhelming and she'll probably cry and I want to be there to comfort her if need me. I don't know but if I feel it's right I'll want to hold her hand and hug her when we part. I don't just want to click 'end call' and be done. Sally has been totally off my mind until I had a dream that I told her I didn't like her and she cried. So Rose and I have texted back and forth a bit since I got a new phone and I told her I had this horrible dream. I then went and told her all about Sally and that I can't like Sally. I was able to avoid telling her why I can't like Sally, because I actually love her, Rose. So Rose actually talked to Sally since they are friends and Sally told her that she doesn't like me. I was so relieved. I never thought I'd be relieved to know the girl doesn't like me, but I was. Rose and I talked a little more for about three hours. I've tried to drop subtle hints that I still like her ( like by telling her I can't like Sally even if I wanted to her) because I don't want to drop all this on her when we talk in person. So we talked again today and it's kinda ridicoulous the amount of stuff we have in common. In the middle of texting we both decided to take a nap, though we didn't tell each other we were. We both went to sleep within ten minutes of each other and woke up within ten minutes of each other. I just found that really really strange since we didn't tell each other we were going to take a nap. But anyways in a few days I'll be home and I just need some advice I believe I love her. Again I'm young and whatnot so I probably don't even know what love is, but to the extent I know of it, I do love her. But I don't know what I should tell her. I'm certainly going to tell her I still like her more than a friend but I don't know if telling her I love her is too much for right now. I mean, we've barely talked in over a year and I always thought you tell someone you love them after you've been dating and being with each other for a while. What should I do there? She's been on my mind constantly, I have dreamed about her a good deal, I can't even think about being with other girls because they're not her, and I just want to be there for her. On top of loving her, I want to be her best friend. We were best friends at one time, and I think we could be even better. So there's not really much I need help with right now I don't think but what I do is this: ~ Does it sound like I love her? ~If it does, should I tell her I love her, or just I like her more than a friend? ~How can I not be nervous when we talk? ( When I went to ask if we could talk one day I was shaking really bad and was just so nervous, good thing she couldn't because I wouldn't have been able to.) ~ Any other advice, thoughts, comments, suggestions, etc? Thank you all so much, I know I wrote a novel and I really appreciate anybody who actually reads through it all.
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