Tinie Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Is there such a thing as one of your dates asking you if you're seeing other people? It's a hypothetical question, doesn't have anything to do with me. I was just wondering, since I'm open to multi-dating, if a guy were to go on a date and ask me if I'm seeing other guys, would my answer of, say, yes, scare him off because he'd be worried about competition?
Lani Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Is there such a thing as one of your dates asking you if you're seeing other people? It's a hypothetical question, doesn't have anything to do with me. I was just wondering, since I'm open to multi-dating, if a guy were to go on a date and ask me if I'm seeing other guys, would my answer of, say, yes, scare him off because he'd be worried about competition? I wonder this too. But to me, it's a pretty rude question to ask straight up. I would never consider asking something like that until I was looking at being serious with someone, and we had 'the conversation'.
BluEyeL Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I read somewhere that if he asks directly "are you dating anybody else", you should reply "not exclusively" and give no other details. He will not be scared by the competition if he really likes you, on the contrary, he might want to lock down exclusivity sooner. If he is "scared", he didn't like you enough anyway, so things would not have worked out down the road due to the million of issues that could come up during dating, and which someone who doesn't like you enough wouldn't be able to resolve. 4
Archgirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Yeah, I often get asked, in that round about guy way. Never say: yes, I am dating multiple guys, you are one of many and I'm not even sure I like you the best but i cant see him until Saturday. For some reason it makes them all pouty and then they won't put out No seriously, I think there's this unwritten rule that it's understood that everyone is seeing/chatting/dating others at the same time for the first lil while. It's just that guys hate it and would rather we didn't and will always try and find out. Even if they haven't had the balls to admit they want you to themselves. I honestly don't mind the first few weeks/dates. I always assume they like me best though If I really like someone, and they indicate they prefer exclusivity but dont want to control me, I'll give them a version of the truth and minimize the extent of my involvement with others if I've just been sleeping with someone else or tell them the unvarnished truth - which is generally that I've been dating others but no one special and that I prefer them. They usually lock me down then. If I'm not that into them or I can tell that they're just being territorial/controlling without actually being emotionally interested in me but I want to keep them around for a bit I just kinda vague response them and act a lil distracted. But that's me. I hate lying and I'm awful at it and it always makes me feel bad. Edited July 2, 2013 by Archgirl
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It's rude to ask and it's also pretty rude to openly share it. If a girl says to me "Oh by the way, I'm dating other guys" out of the blue, it's going to make me feel like I'm competing and she'll never hear from me again. Never make the person feel like they're competing for your company. No faster way to turn them off and chase them away. 2
Author Tinie Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys! I realized that it would be a bad thing to openly share it since it would make the guy feel bad, like he's not good enough. I thought, maybe I would lie and say no, but if me and the guy end up being exclusive and he found out I lied about that, I'd probably be permanently marked a liar then.
Archgirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Thanks for the replies guys! I realized that it would be a bad thing to openly share it since it would make the guy feel bad, like he's not good enough. I thought, maybe I would lie and say no, but if me and the guy end up being exclusive and he found out I lied about that, I'd probably be permanently marked a liar then. So what are you going to do? Tell us the deets of the real sitch you're dealing with
suladas Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Don't lie. Not that I would openly ask that question, but if a girl lied to me about something like that early on and I found out later, i'd be gone. If you don't want to answer the truth dodge it or avoid the question, lying is the worst thing to do. I am not a fan of multi-dating at all. I would deal with it if a girl did it during the first few dates but after that nope. For me if we're having sex, it's exclusive, otherwise I won't be having sex with her. And i'd go on about 3 dates max before I would want to know that she isn't seeing someone else. I wouldn't even ask her to make the decision, if after that long she doesn't want to only see me, i'm done. I'm just old fashion in that way, I never have nor do I have any interest in multi-dating.
TheGuard13 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I don't think it's rude to ask in the least. It's a perfectly normal and reasonable question. Honesty is the best policy with stuff like this. 1
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 if a guy were to go on a date and ask me if I'm seeing other guys, would my answer of, say, yes, scare him off because he'd be worried about competition? Yes, sometimes people ask me. No, I'm not worried about a little competition. 1
Msmickey Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 So it's the best not to ask whether are they multi dating?
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 So it's the best not to ask whether are they multi dating? Depends how important the answer is to you.
Msmickey Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Depends how important the answer is to you. I don't know, I'm sure he will say the truth if I ask. Maybe I will not ask. Thanks
salparadise Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It comes down to how to word things. I don't want to waste time, money and emotional investment on someone who's not actually available. If you say "I am seeing several people" then it sounds as if you like to maintain multiple casual relationships, or competitions. You could say "I've been on a couple of dates recently" which doesn't give the impression of ongoing status with anyone in particular. Guys will assume that you've been dating if you're on a dating site. What he really wants is to know is whether you're actually available, and have sufficient interest, to give it a shot with him. I think you should be honest but without saying too much. If you've been out with someone several times, then why are you out with him tonight? In that case, "I've dated a guy several times but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere" might be a legitimate answer (if true). Competitions are for histrionics and boy-puppets who are susceptible to that kind of tomfoolery. Dating is hard enough when there is mutual interest, intent, honesty and a clear path forward. My assumption would be that for this kind of woman, the competition would never end. I'd be looking for indications that something more is possible, that she's also interested in me, and that her vagina is not coin operated with a timer. 4
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Asking if someone is multi-dating is not rude in my opinion. I don't do it myself, but I have been asked. And if I am, I tell the truth. It didn't seem to scare anyone away by having that out in the open. Of course, I stopped the multi-dating lifestyle as it is a little too stressful and cumbersome. You are trying to ascertain as much information about what you are dealing with as possible and that is good. If it is assumed that everyone is multi-dating (which is not true) then it shouldn't hurt to vocally express/inquire to that effect. Just be prepared for the response you get and DON'T LIE ABOUT IT.
Babolat Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Male here: I do not multi date personally, just a choice. I have never asked a girl either, and never will. It does not matter to me. If the relationship starts to progess, especially sexually, I usually assume we are exculsive, at least I am. And, I think you can just tell at that point where things are. 2
Phantom888 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I have never multi-dated. It's a turn-off if the woman I'm interested in is dating other people. To me, she is just fishing around and really not ready for anything worthwhile. The ladies always ask me if I'm dating anyone else. The answer is always NO.... I date ONE At A TIME. If things don't work out, I move on. No need to occupy more than one at a time... I would get their names and stories mixed up. 2
Author Tinie Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 So what are you going to do? Tell us the deets of the real sitch you're dealing with Appreciate the replies, they're very insightful! I'm not in a sitch really. Just seeing a guy but it's really casual. I'm open to seeing others, so I figured that maybe I might get into a sitch where one of them asks. Lying makes me feel bad so I was hoping there would be alternatives to that. 1
ThanhL Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Nothing wrong with wanting to know and asking since you are in the learning about each other progress. In fact, its appropriate to ask when you have been dating for a while and you are willing to be exclusive. Its understandable to date many guys (not too many of course) before you are exclusive with one. We tend to compare and choose the best out of many choices.
Archgirl Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Appreciate the replies, they're very insightful! I'm not in a sitch really. Just seeing a guy but it's really casual. I'm open to seeing others, so I figured that maybe I might get into a sitch where one of them asks. Lying makes me feel bad so I was hoping there would be alternatives to that. Thankyou I'm glad I could help! Hmm if you like him enough that you would feel guilty that's probably a good sign not to do it just for how you feel about yourself. But I know what you mean about lying, although it is sort of breaking the early dating code to even ask. Do you like him enough to maybe want more? Generally with me the only time it gets sticky is where there's a short time between guys. Because otherwise when I like someone, am into them enough that we are going to get to the exclusive track my interest in other guys vanishes before it's an issue. SO you see your problem may not ever be a problem if you always act according with how you feel - know what I mean?
EasyHeart Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I pretty much always get asked this question on the first date, certainly by the third. If she doesn't ask, I will. There's certainly nothing wrong with asking. It lets everyone know where they stand. Assuming anything is always a bad idea. I much prefer talking to mind-reading. I realized that it would be a bad thing to openly share it since it would make the guy feel bad, like he's not good enough. You're dating the wrong guys. Real men love competition.
salparadise Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Real men love competition. Did you find that line in a fortune cookie or make it up all by yourself?
JustJana Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Maybe I suck at dating. I'd never consider not asking, I never even considered someone would think it was rude. Why wouldn't I want to know? Why wouldn't he want to know?
soccerrprp Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 Maybe I suck at dating. I'd never consider not asking, I never even considered someone would think it was rude. Why wouldn't I want to know? Why wouldn't he want to know? You're fine. Nothing improper with anything you've said.
joystickd Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 But I know what you mean about lying, although it is sort of breaking the early dating code to even ask. Do you like him enough to maybe want more? Not it really breaking any code. The thing is if the person being asked is uncomfortable about it then it would kind of raise a red flag. A person should be open and honest with the person they are dating so that person will be able to make an informed decision of whether they want to be exclusive or not. I know you don't have anything done to you without the pros and cons of it. Dating should be the same way.
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