starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Assume you're dating a guy, mid 20s. He's a gentleman, you two seem to have a great time on all of your dates. He calls/texts you one day, and waits for you to recirprocate the next day. He's affectionate - holding your hand while walking, putting his arm around you, etc. Unless he's an extremely good actor, all signs seem to show that he's into you. BUT, you get the sense that the guy has little to no experience in a serious relationship, and is somewhat apprehensive about committing, but you ignore it. A month in, and the last date goes very well, at least from your perspective. You guys are laughing, joking, and conversation is flowing naturally the whole time. He's still holding your hand as you walk, putting his arm around you, kissing you, etc. BAM - he calls you and says that while he "likes you as more than a friend," he feels that he is unable to commit to a relationship, and doesn't want to lead you on, since he knows that's what you are looking for. Communication totally ends. My gut tells me - he's being genuine. He liked me, but is afraid of committing to a serious relationship. He's in grad school, fairly busy, and maybe slightly immature when it comes to women. What do the men on here think? Is this just a nice way of saying "I do want a relationship, just not with YOU, aka I'm not that into you," OR is it genuine?
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 If a man is into you, nothing will stop him from being in a relationship with you. "Busy" is an excuse. 4
tbf Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It might be his way to get you invested and then set you up as a stringless sex partner.He might be juggling women.He might feel he's too busy with grad school to commit any time to a relationship.He might be letting you down gently and isn't that into you. All four reasons have the same end result. No relationship. If you're looking for a relationship, move on.
Author starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Second time I've run into this situation lately, and I don't get it!
Author starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 "When a guy says he's unable to commit": Believe. Him. Walk. Away. I believe him. It just came out of nowhere because things were going great, so I'm a little shocked I guess.
MrCastle Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I might as well be the man in the op. Uh, well--he is trying to spare your feelings. He can see that you like him a lot more than he likes you, and/or he doesn't want to crush you. As soon as I see a girl getting too attached, I let them go. 1
Author starrynightz45 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 I might as well be the man in the op. Uh, well--he is trying to spare your feelings. He can see that you like him a lot more than he likes you, and/or he doesn't want to crush you. As soon as I see a girl getting too attached, I let them go. Why let go if a girl is getting too attached, assuming you're into her? Note: I don't think I was getting too attached - I was kind of just going with the flow. He seemed super interested. Seems like kind of a lame-o move to tell someone you have feelings for them but don't want a relationship if you don't actually mean it. Just saying "I don't think I want a relationship right now" seems clear enough without adding that you also have feelings for the person.
Southern Cal Dude Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 If a man is into you, nothing will stop him from being in a relationship with you. "Busy" is an excuse. Yep and it goes both ways. 1
MrCastle Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Why let go if a girl is getting too attached, assuming you're into her? Note: I don't think I was getting too attached - I was kind of just going with the flow. He seemed super interested. Seems like kind of a lame-o move to tell someone you have feelings for them but don't want a relationship if you don't actually mean it. Just saying "I don't think I want a relationship right now" seems clear enough without adding that you also have feelings for the person. Sometimes I do have feelings for them, but my logical brain takes over. Right now my main focus is school and career. I also use my free time writing scripts or going on photoshoots. Right now I want to live my life unattached because at this stage in my life, I have too much going on to properly nurture a healthy relationship. That doesn't mean I see every woman as just a vagina. I sometimes do develop feelings for them but I know it just won't work between us long term for one reason or another. I'm waiting for that one girl who comes along and floors me. Just totally swoons me. That's the one I'll settle down with. I have not met her as of yet.
tbf Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I should add a caveat. If a guy says he's not looking for commitment on the first date, believe him for now. Sometimes they change their minds but I wouldn't rely on it. This guy dated you for a month, then pulled the no commitment thing. When that happens, they're not going to change their minds. Anyways, thought I'd add possibilities for future consideration with other men.
BluEyeL Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Who knows? Maybe it was something you said. But most likely he didn't want a relationship and he felt you did, so he cut bait. It's not clear if he gave up before or after sex.
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Why let go if a girl is getting too attached, assuming you're into her? Because he's really NOT that into her.
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I'm confused by your question. How is it OR situation? He likes you. Just not THAT intensely to pursue a serious relationship and he can see you want one. He enjoys spending time with you but after weighing the pros and cons, I gather he decided anything more with you, wasnt enticing. 1
Archgirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Babes trust your gut. He probably was being genuine. But some guys and girls just aren't ready for commitment. Let him go. You can't change his mind. And it's totally not worth the heartache of sticking around in the hopes it will be any different. If thats what you want from him give him the space to realise how awesome you are to have around by gently cutting off contact and disappear out of his life. And start seeing other guys. Because even if he does come back down the line, chances are pretty high he'll just freak out again. I used to be like that, still am a bit, just instinctively run when the weight of the girlfriend tag is looming over my head. I panic And it has led to me bruising the hearts of really great guys. If you stick around the same will happen to you. You won't come out unscathed. You have to also consider that he's one of those guys that just cannot handle hurting a woman by breaking things off with her because he's not that into her so this is the only way he could communicate it and still feel like a nice guy. Either way, your response should be the same. He doesn't get access to you anymore. Does that help at all? xox Edited July 2, 2013 by Archgirl 1
AverageCat Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Who cares? He's not gonna be in a relationship with you. End result is the same.
TheFinalWord Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) My gut tells me - he's being genuine. He liked me, but is afraid of committing to a serious relationship. He's in grad school, fairly busy, and maybe slightly immature when it comes to women. What do the men on here think? Is this just a nice way of saying "I do want a relationship, just not with YOU, aka I'm not that into you," OR is it genuine? Sorry for your experience. Being in grad school is not an excuse unless he is in the middle of doing his thesis/dissertation. Even with talking classes, teaching classes, and research projects I had time for a relationship with a woman that lived 2 hours away. If I wanted to get to know a girl bad enough, I would make it work. We had to get creative, but it worked. Even when I did my thesis, she would come over and make dinner to help me out. Heck you're a woman with skills I am guessing, he could get a lot of help from you if he treated you right and wasn't being selfish. And that is the thing, creativity comes from motivation. If he is motivated to see you, he will be able to find creative ways to build a relationship. So don't let the grad school excuse convince you. I made that mistake once, "oh I don't have time to date" and one month later she is dating and now engaged. Sometimes, it is a harsh reality, that we do everything to our absolute best, and the other person lets us down. And the kicker is, we may never know why this experience happened to us. What is going through their head? Is it something wrong with me? Those are common questions and probably what you are wondering right now. The absence of closure can really eat at you, if you let it. Which is why you have to stop, count your blessings and reassess your self-worth (and you are worth a lot) and carry on with life. The thing is, there are just some people that use other people for their needs and then dispose of them like their feelings meant nothing. Personally, I don't get it. But this world is filled with users and abusers. The positive is, you have not gotten into a deep relationship with this man so you are getting to find his true colors early on, as opposed to deep relationship, marrying, having kids, and then finding out. You got out out with some scratches and a bruised ego. The other thing is to not allow this experience to jade you. When we hold onto the pain others caused us and project that onto new people, we are letting those people that mistreated us, still have an influence in our life (when they don't deserve any place in our life). We allow their bad character to still have a gripe on us and effectually control our happiness. That is where the real ramifications come in. We have to choose to not conform our thinking with mistreatment of the past and become care-free and happy, expecting to find love and knowing we are worthy of love. For me personally, I forgive them and release them. Now, I won't lie, sometimes that is really hard. And when I feel emotions of anger, I repeat the affirmation "I forgive Jane Doe". If the pain is so deep I can't even fathom forgiving them I use the affirmation (I'm Christian, sorry if offends). "God I forgive them for your sake, because I don't have the strength to do it." I will use that prayer every time, and eventually it settles into the soul. Then you are free to find love again Edited July 2, 2013 by TheFinalWord 4
Recommended Posts