sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Have been blown off twice in 2 weeks. Last week he was tired and I understood. Today, I agreed to take care of his child (I was off and the baby mama apparently left daycare up to him and he had to work, so I offered.) They didn't show up. I changed my day off for him and his little girl and it ended badly. He said he found a closer sitter for the day, which was cool, no probs. He said he would be over for dinner round 7pm after he dropped her off at her mother's. He didn't show up when he said he would so I texted him. He said he was still coming and wanted to know if he could stay over. I said sure, cool with me.... said he was gonna be here but he still didn't show. Eventually he said he couldn't come over after me waiting for him to show. I put off my children's dinner for him. Made me "hulk" angry. Just wondering if this is a male phenomenon - do men just assume that when a woman is hooked that they can just play them? To give him credit, I was clearly upset and he asked me if we could talk about it tomorrow. He apologized both over text and called me too to talk in person and apologize. I honestly don't know what to think. Any thoughts?
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well, it's not a universal male phenomenon. He was inconsiderate to not alert of changes in plans in a time fashion. Each time you had to contact him to find out what was happening when it should have been him informing you it seems to me. I would never to be so inconsiderate as to not at least communicate changes in plans so as to inconvenience you the less. Just me.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Ya, that seriously pissed me off. And him saying. "sorry, I flaked, it happens occasionally". It's as though he may do this regularly... I mean, I have to work for 6am, he finally told me at 10pm that he had been at home waiting for his "buddy" to call him. I have no use for a flake. He seemed to be a stand-up guy. Now I wonder.
AverageCat Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well, he thinks flaking once in a while is excusable. You think it's not. Is this a deal breaker? If so then break up with him. If you think you can compromise, try to convey your point of view to him. That's all. Has nothing to do with comfort, just peoples customs and what they're used to.
Archgirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 How long have you been dating? How long have you been exclusive? What is he like usually? I need more info
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 How long have you been dating? How long have you been exclusive? What is he like usually? I need more info We've been together for a couple months now. We were "official" within the first couple of dates, his request. Everything seemed great, we hung out together this weekend with each others kids and had fun. It's out of character for him to act this way, as he is normally the one that's making plans for us to spend time together, etc. I'm really quite confused at this point. He has apologized, called himself an ******* for making me feel ****ty, etc, but it still doesn't change the fact that I lost some faith in his word.
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Frankly, it doesn't matter how long you've known him. Repeated flaking, if that is what is happening, is not acceptable. It's either an ingrained part of his personality or he's playing games. Either way....bad. 1
AMusing Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 For the childcare thing, I can imagine he thought finding another sitter would be nice for you (i.e. you wouldn't be stuck watching his kid). I don't know if I'd interpret that as flaking. It was strange he didn't bother letting you know the change of plans, though; that's quite inconsiderate. The dinner thing would upset me. How long after 7 did you call him? How long after that did he let you know he wouldn't be able to make it? And what were his excuses, both for being late and for bailing on you? Those would make a big difference to me, in how upset I'd be. 1
yessy21 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 im going to be dead honest with you. If your his gf and he doesnt inform you of changes of his plans with you, then there is something there that you are not seeing. When someone has an interest for someone they will invest time to see them and to make sure that they feel okay in the relationship. THats not the case here. sounds like your someones second choice. 1
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Really sorry, but that much 'flaking' in that short period, involving YOUR time, YOUR day off, YOUR children, YOUR children's dinner, NO. There's no such thing as flaking, it's an outright lack of respect for you. If he is really interested in you, this would NOT happen. I wouldn't give him another chance, but that's me. If you do, be prepared for more of the same behavior. 2
Emilia Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I'd say he sees you as someone he can take advantage of. Babysitting duties because baby mama can't be bothered? He doesn't even show up but you offer that he can stay over anyway when he gets in touch? 2
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 For the childcare thing, I can imagine he thought finding another sitter would be nice for you (i.e. you wouldn't be stuck watching his kid). I don't know if I'd interpret that as flaking. It was strange he didn't bother letting you know the change of plans, though; that's quite inconsiderate. The dinner thing would upset me. How long after 7 did you call him? How long after that did he let you know he wouldn't be able to make it? And what were his excuses, both for being late and for bailing on you? Those would make a big difference to me, in how upset I'd be. He first told me he was working til 7 so we agreed that dinner around 7:30 would be "great". At 815 I text him to get an ETA, he answered that he "hoped we weren't waiting for him, and to go ahead and eat." That was the first piss-off, that he didn't tell me earlier. In this conversation he asked if he could stay over, since I have the kids this week and I replied with "Sure, you can stay over." He was happy with this and so I continued to wait. At 10:00 I text him again to see what was going on. He proceeded to tell me that he was at home, and in a bad mood since someone else had bailed on him that he was supposed to meet - it's a buddy, I know of the plan for them to meet and it was supposed to happen earlier in the day. I was pretty angry at that point and he called to talk about it and apologize. Ultimately, he was late because of someone else, but I still feel slighted and embarrassed that I would wait around for him. He has since been very apologetic and wants to come over to talk. I just feel rather insulted right now. I hate the feeling of not being able to trust in someone's word.
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Oh, the irony! He was in a bad mood because a buddy he was supposed to meet bailed on him? So, he travels in a circle of people who believe it's okay to disrespect the time of others. That explains his behavior.
TigerCub Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 He first told me he was working til 7 so we agreed that dinner around 7:30 would be "great". At 815 I text him to get an ETA, he answered that he "hoped we weren't waiting for him, and to go ahead and eat." That was the first piss-off, that he didn't tell me earlier. In this conversation he asked if he could stay over, since I have the kids this week and I replied with "Sure, you can stay over." He was happy with this and so I continued to wait. At 10:00 I text him again to see what was going on. He proceeded to tell me that he was at home, and in a bad mood since someone else had bailed on him that he was supposed to meet - it's a buddy, I know of the plan for them to meet and it was supposed to happen earlier in the day. I was pretty angry at that point and he called to talk about it and apologize. Ultimately, he was late because of someone else, but I still feel slighted and embarrassed that I would wait around for him. He has since been very apologetic and wants to come over to talk. I just feel rather insulted right now. I hate the feeling of not being able to trust in someone's word. Haha, oh so that kind of behavior only sucks when he's on the receiving end?! Yeah...that alone should tell you a lot about him: - He values his time a lot more than yours - Being stood up only sucks if it is done to him - You just put up with it. Not all guys are like that - this on just is because he's allowed to act that way. I wouldn't give that douche the time of day. 1
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Really sorry, but that much 'flaking' in that short period, involving YOUR time, YOUR day off, YOUR children, YOUR children's dinner, NO. There's no such thing as flaking, it's an outright lack of respect for you. If he is really interested in you, this would NOT happen. I wouldn't give him another chance, but that's me. If you do, be prepared for more of the same behavior. Ya, that's what I'm concerned with - it happening more and more frequently. I can understand when things come up that one cant control, but the decent thing is to let your SO know so they know what to expect. I'm not the kind of woman to sit around and wait, and I certainly hope he understands that about me.
Emilia Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I'm not the kind of woman to sit around and wait, and I certainly hope he understands that about me. Except that you are - judging by this thread. 4
MidwestUSA Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I wouldn't give that douche the time of day. Agree. And I certainly wouldn't meet with him to listen to his half a$$ed apologies. Then again, my partner, the evil voice in my head, says force him to make reservations at a nice restaurant for the two of you, and tell him you'll meet him there. I'll let the LSers guess the rest! 2
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Thanks to everyone for the honest replies. I tend to use my gut in these situations but it's nice to hear that others would feel the same way. It's unfortunate that things were going so well and then de-railed in this way. There really is no more apologizing he can do at this point.
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Thanks to everyone for the honest replies. I tend to use my gut in these situations but it's nice to hear that others would feel the same way. It's unfortunate that things were going so well and then de-railed in this way. There really is no more apologizing he can do at this point. I bet once the dust settles and you have a clear view, you'll see things weren't going so well to begin with. 1
TigerCub Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Agree. And I certainly wouldn't meet with him to listen to his half a$$ed apologies. Then again, my partner, the evil voice in my head, says force him to make reservations at a nice restaurant for the two of you, and tell him you'll meet him there. I'll let the LSers guess the rest! Ooooh I like where this is going... But then again, I'm petty and a fan of revenge, uhm, I mean Justice :laugh: 1
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Except that you are - judging by this thread. Well, tbh, I am still very shocked that he behaved this way... it's very out of character for him. He is normally always on time and hates to disappoint me. He initiates everything and is very caring and respectful towards me. His apologies are just words and he cant take his actions back. Very unfortunate. 1
crude Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Obviously he's being inconsiderate. As to how he's comfortable enough to blow you off, women want confident men. I guess he's confident that he can get another woman.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Well he did come over and we had a talk about it in private without the kids. I made it very clear to him how it made me feel and that if a similar situation were to occur in the future I expect a phone call or text to keep me informed. I am not willing to throw away a happy relationship over one mis-step and he is well aware of how upset I was last night and today about it. It can't be instantly "undone" with an apology, but I am willing to offer him a chance to never leave me in that uneasy state again. What really seemed to drive the point home was when we were in the kitchen after the private discussion and my 7 yr old daughter asked him point blank why he didn't come for dinner, and why he didn't come over at all when he said he would. He told her he was very, very sorry and that he was waiting for somebody and that they didn't show up. She instantly caught the irony in it and rubbed his nose in it, so to speak. "Ohhhh, so you must have been just as upset as Mom and I were then..." in a slightly sarcastic tone, were her exact words. He got it, you could see the embarrassment on his face. Thanks again for the responses, LS is always a great place to come for honest opinions and advice.
Author sweetheart5381 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 One misstep? Just one? Hmmm. It was all in the same episode, within one day... and if you knew his line of side-work (ya, he was doing business) you would understand that the gf must take a backseat at times. It's usually for someone's safety. I am similar as well in a way, in that my kids schedule comes first, bf second. We both do our best to respect that we cannot always be first. He honestly is awesome with me and the kids. He hasn't done this before (he cancelled dinner last week and immediately re-scheduled because he was exhausted). Have spent all day thinking about it, and I think perhaps I am being a lil paranoid about his actions. He constantly shows me love and affection, always initiates contact, has never let me down before. It's hard the first time someone doesn't live up to their "expectations". He apologized and came over immediately during his day job so we could talk it out. In all honesty, for a "first fight" we resolved it very, very peacefully and learned from it. If he gets in the habit of flaking, I will force myself to remove myself from the situation.
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