Husband lost attraction/possibly depressed

[love2love79]

Hello! I'm new here, and I'm looking for advice. This will be lengthy! My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years, and we have two daughters together (5 and 7). We recently made a move back to our hometown area after discovering we were unhappy somewhere else. My husband was in Iraq in 2003 and then has worked in his field since his discharge (and he's still struggling to go to school to change careers and pursue what he loves). He has suffered from minor PTSD, has tried many medications, and has been med-free for about 3 or 4 years after hating the side effects of them (and I prefer him off of them too). I work from home full time and also work a part-time freelancing gig while raising our two children. I handle everything in the marriage: making appointments, cleaning, paying bills, running errands, arranging outings, cooking, etc. I do it all. I never complained, though, because I always felt like I was making life "easier" for him after all of the depression he has battled over the years. In the past few years, despite our unhappiness in another location, he has seemed much better and doesn't exhibit most of the symptoms of depression that he previously experienced. He loves our kids, is a great father, and will do something when I ask (oftentimes with a huff and a puff, which he says I should ignore and that he's working on that).

 

On the day we were handing in our new lease for our move back home, he seemed unhappy, and I probed him for an answer. He finally confessed (and later told me it made him feel ill to tell me) that he wasn't happy with us. He has lost his physical attraction for me but still loves me. After my self-esteem was shattered in a matter of seconds, it all became clear. The past year has been hell on earth for me, and I let myself go. He had every right to lose interest. I never fixed my hair, I wore bummy clothes, never wore makeup, and I was always so absorbed in work and the kids that I forgot I was married (well, I was working 50 hours a week and raising children while he worked night shift...cut me some slack). Nevertheless, I was unhappy too. His previous rejections for sex from back when he was depressed hung in my mind and forced me to stop pursuing him. He brought up my lack of initiation, and I told him that I was tired of being rejected. I was also recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which was apparently off the charts. I had no sex drive. But, in general, I have a very hearty sexual appetite, and his has always been about 30% of mine.

 

Now we have moved, had a few talks, had a handful of good sex romps, and I've been taking care of myself. We've both started exercising (by the way, I'm thin and only carry a tad of leftover baby weight on my stomach and hips...nothing too awful), and we generally seem happier. But he's still the same unaffectionate (unless you get a few beers in him) and uninterested husband that he's been for years. He fawns over our kids and obsesses over his other passions (motorcycles, mountain biking, etc.), but when it comes to me, I'm a decoration and here when he needs me.

 

I know most of his distance stems from his depression and PTSD, but this isn't the same man I fell in love with. I know the honeymoon phase goes away, but he never snuggles with me, holds my hand, kisses me (he hates kissing), or seems like he's checking me out like he did before he went to Iraq. I never feel desired, even when I'm all dolled up and lookin' sexy, and in general I just feel like a housewife and mother to his children. It's like I'm throwing myself out there and he's passing me by with blinders on.

 

He has agreed to try to fix this by helping me out around the house so I'm not frazzled, and he wants to take over some of my responsibilities (perhaps he feel emasculated because I even pay the bills?). He promises to engage in date nights and try to work on us. But two weeks in, and he seems like he's back to his old self except for the fun sex romps we've had. Granted, he just started his new job and we just moved. It's a crazy time. He said he's hurting too and that he doesn't want to feel this way because he loves me and wants to be together.

 

Is there a point where I should demand counseling (which he said he would do, but we're waiting on insurance to kick in), and how long should I work on this? Do I have to live without affection? I don't think he'll ever be affectionate or talk about his feelings with me unless I ask. I KNOW he loves me. We're practically made for each other and share so many interests. He just isn't attracted to me. What else can I do? Has anyone else's marriage ever come back from this? Is periodic depression really a deal breaker?

[MMY]

I started chexking out of our M about 5 years ago. almost the same type feeling but I was having work issues and my now 18 daught were butting heads all the time.

 

My W didnt seem interested in sex and she worried about everything and always doing and worried about the kid to the point we could not go anywhere. if we did we had to be back early to get the kids.

 

I started keeping myself busy with projects. I am NOT saying he will do or has done this but I ended up meeting someone and had an A. I thought I was finished with my M.

 

I got caught and my W knew something was wrong. she nor I ever thought it or I would get to this point. I am out of my A and working on my M. A good book we both read was "His Needs Her Needs".

 

Make certain yall talk, surprise him on a small weekend get a way, with something you both can go and have fun with.

 

If a need by either one of you is not met it could lead to you or him looking elsewhere foe that need to be filled.

 

Best wishes.

[love2love79]

Thank you so much for your response! I've been working really hard to focus on us, so hopefully he'll notice my interest. He has hardly ever shown "interest" in me throughout our whole marriage, but I think that's just his depression. I don't think he's having an affair. I asked him, and he said he wasn't. He's never really without me (his choice), and he leaves his phone open and asks me to check his email frequently. I'm not saying it wouldn't lead to that...

 

The thing I worry most about is him not working on this as much as I am and as much as he says he will. But we'll see. I already have ideas about what we could do for weekend getaways and date nights. I'm on the hunt for babysitters and refuse to let go of the "wife" and "lover" in me. As a matter of fact, I think the kids have suffered since I've started focusing more on us, but I'm sure it'll balance out more. And...there's that fine line between annoying him with attention and requests for sex and giving him what he wants.

[MMY]

I agree, with you on several points. You as a wife and a mom are pulled in so many directions that you have that fine line to walk. As for my kids they are 16 and 18 now and they do so much more on there own. I also agree about annoying him or trying too hard.

 

After my A was discovered and the dust settled my wife try hard but it was me that had to get over everything and at some point I felt it was forced. Don't get me wrong. I am glad she is trying.

 

I hope you have a fun weekend. I hope you both can talk about things but don't make that your whole weekend.

 

Keep posting updates and best of luck to you both.

[Pastypop]

This sounds like my marriage. Went through this for years begging, pleading, screaming, yelling and just anything I could to get him to pay attention to me. Finally, I came to realization that he didn't love me and probably never did. That's when I fell off a cliff. I went wild, pretty much left him and the kids and just didn't care anymore. Once he realized that I checked out, he started chasing me again. Took him two years of hard work to get me back. But now that I've decided to stay, I'm bored out of mind. Life was so exciting and fun while I was falling over that cliff. Unfortunately though, it really damaged my reputation but, at the time I didn't care since I was getting a divorce anyway. Why don't you stop trying so hard, quit cleaning the house, don't take care of the kids as much and start traveling and hanging out with friends. Force all this stuff back on him and see where the dog will finally lie. It is very hard to go through life without love, affection and validation. Please don't do that to yourself.

[Silver_Lining]

It is very hard to go through life without love, affection and validation. Please don't do that to yourself.

 

Oh so true and one of the hardest things to work with, I feel the pain all too real.

There are a few very basic and primary needs that EVERY individual needs on one level or another.

1. Emotional Connection
   
2. Spiritual Connection
   
3. Physical Connection
   
4. Intellectual Connection
   

When any one or rather in so many cases there becomes or has been a deficit there is natural and very REAL frustration that occurs.

 

The way I see it and others please feel free to chime in - is that we as individuals are all wired differently from one another (go figure huh LoL)

 

One person may have a need for more "Physical Connection" in the form of hugs, snuggling, kisses or holding hands... Whatever it may be.

The other person may have a different idea as to the amount of "Physical Connection" or any of the other items listed above.

 

The challenge, heartache and pain usually come from the difference in the way each of these items are viewed, treated and shared with one another.

 

Communication is always the KEY and is absolutely essential in conveying and sharing what the expectations are as well as the need to fill those expectations.

 

To many times - and sadly this happens before "Tying The Knot" we tend to be caught up in the infatuation and thrill of the chase. Once married life begins and more often than not the "male" in the relationship who has now "won the prize" so to speak begins to relax in the relationship and begin the day to day grind of life -

 

Once all things settle and over time people do change, grow and develop.

When the core needs listed then become even more apparent.

 

The frustration as well as the struggle is not exactly the differences in those items but rather the distance between the expectations between each individual that lead to the frustration.

For example:

If one individual (lets say on a scale of 1-10) loves to engage in intellectual conversation and derives a great feeling of closeness and feeling of being understood, loved and cherished as a result and operates on say a level 7 in that... then the partner who does not enjoy so much or understand the need and then operates on a level 2 - the distance between (a 5 in this case) becomes the level of frustration.

 

Going down the list and simple math can show the results with the total only being something that you or I can gauge the severity of in the relationship overall and what that means in moving forward determine or rather can help determine a plan of action moving forward IF both are willing to:

1. Communicate
   
2. Understand the need
   
3. Make Concessions
   
4. Grow and Learn Together
   
5. Respect one another
   

Otherwise that difference in expectation and need to feel loved as a result will ALWAYS produce a feeling of frustration that can and more than likely will erode the relation and breakdown even further communication which will ultimately lead to more frustration.

 

So for instance:

 

Emotional Connection - for one it may be a 9 and the other a 5

Spiritual Connection - for one it may be a 7 and the other an 8

Physical Connection - for one it may be a 8 and the other a 4

Intellectual Connection - for one it may be a 7 and the other a 2

 

Overall ending up with a difference of 14 across the board.

 

Well, what does that mean? Only you and the other person can weigh the difference and decide what is and is not workable.

Obviously it goes without saying that the lower the number (and we all know and have seen couples who appear to be "soul mates" etc)

Simply in my mind have a natural understanding and living within a much closer realm of what the expectations are with themselves and each other.

 

Some relations come naturally - some require much more work.

Why do we fall in love? How well do we know the person we are with?

How honest are we with ourselves? How honest are we with our partner?

Maybe, most important is - Are we willing to change? If changing means we lower a "needed" expectation to "stick it out" does that work for us?

 

Typically, from experience I have found that the "change" that is most productive and by far more valuable is NOT when we lower expectations but rather lift and grow expectations out of love, respect, understanding and adoration for the one we are with.

 

My thoughts anyway based on having suffered and felt the pain on both ends of the spectrum.