Dumped and broken hearted

[liquid_amber]

I’m having a hard time letting go of this guy, even though I have to. For the sake of this story, I will call him Mark. We met on a dating site about 3 months ago, and we hit it off immediately. We started dating, and things seemed to be going great for about 6 weeks. Then he started a new job, and apparently the new job was so demanding that he simply couldn’t make the time for me. He kept flaking out on plans at the last minute, using the job as his excuse.

 

Finally, he just ended the relationship because he said he couldn’t make the time for both the job and the relationship. I was pretty upset, but I figured it wasn’t meant to be, so I tried to move on and date other people. I still had some time left on my dating site membership, but I really don’t like dating. I’m more of a one-on-one person, so I was hoping to hit it off with someone and not have to date anymore. But that didn’t happen.

 

 

About 5 or 6 weeks later, Mark contacted me out of the blue. He apologized for what happened before, and he said that things had calmed down at the new job and he really wanted to see me again. Since I wasn’t involved with anyone else, and since I felt he and I had really clicked the first time, I agreed to see him again. We got back together immediately, and we made all kinds of plans for the future – nothing terribly serious, but we established that we were now officially a couple, and we talked about different things we would do together over the summer.

 

His job still took up most of his time during the work week, but that’s okay because I also have a 9 to 5 Monday-Friday job, so I’m not that concerned about spending time together during the week. We saw each other twice last week: Sunday and Tuesday. But we talked and texted every day, and we had plans to see each other on Friday night. I was looking forward to seeing him on Friday, so I prepared for it all week long by doing little things to get ready. I bought a sexy new outfit to wear for him, I had my nails done, I cleaned my apartment, and I stocked my kitchen with foods and beverages that I know he likes. I also made sure I got all of my errands taken care of so I wouldn’t have to worry about anything else while he and I were together. On Friday morning, I got up extra early so I would have plenty of time to get myself looking and smelling as nice as possible for when I saw him after work.

 

Of course I was disappointed when I got the text cancelling our Friday night plans, but I didn’t make a big deal out of it. I simply asked if we’d still be getting together the following day, Saturday. He said he had to work in the morning, but that we’d definitely get together in the afternoon and evening. He even promised. I found something else to do on Friday night and I saved the sexy outfit for Saturday when I would be seeing Mark. But I could tell something wasn’t right on Friday evening when he never called or texted.

 

I texted a few times and called once, but he never responded. By Saturday morning I knew something was wrong, and I sent him one final text asking him to please at least let me know if we weren’t going to be getting together that day, because after all, he’d promised. He texted back and said he was sorry, he knows he promised me, but his job is just too demanding and he simply can’t make the time to spend with me. I didn’t want to lose him, so I asked him if he could set aside just one day out of the week to spend with me. He wrote back and said he was sorry, but no, he can’t. His job is just too unpredictable and he can’t even set aside one day a week for me. He said he was sorry and he never wanted to hurt me, but we should go our separate ways.

 

I’m not really sure why I’m sharing this here. I don’t expect anyone to have any answers for me. I just need to vent and get it off my chest. I’m hoping I will start to feel better, but so far I feel so empty and lost. I was doing okay up until Mark came back into my life, and at that point I really thought we were going to be together. I never expected him to pull the very same crap so soon. I have a hard time believing that his job could be so demanding that he can’t even take one day a week to spend with me.

 

It’s been years since I’ve clicked with anyone the way I did with Mark, and I thought it meant something. Now I have to go back out into the dating world and go on a bunch of first dates, waiting for someone to come along who makes me feel the way Mark did. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone else who makes me feel that way. It’s just so depressing. Thanks for listening.

Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[shexy]

Sorry you've been hurt, it really does suck!

 

It sounds to me like his job isn't the issue - no matter how busy they are, if they really like someone, they'll make the time. We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us as much as we want to be with them.

[Adele0908]

I reccommend a book, Why Men Love Bitches, by Sherry Argov.

 

If you really want answers, you gotta go to the experts.

 

Another good book is It's a Guy Thing, by David Deida.

[Archgirl]

I'm sorry babe, that's a bloody harsh lesson to learn.

 

There could be any number of different reasons for his appalling behaviour and inconsiderate treatment of you.

 

But it doesn't matter. That is his problem. Not yours.

 

If I could give you a bit of advice without coming off as criticising?

 

Online dating is brutal. I started after a 6year relationship and quickly learnt that if I didn't learn how "play the game" just a little I wouldn't be able to enjoy it for what it was and I would quickly lose the little post-relationship self-esteem I had built up.

 

So for me the goal became to enjoy male attentiona and company with as little investment of my self worth as possible. As far as I was concerned, I was the special, unique, beautiful woman some guy might be lucky enough to date. So I had no expectations beyond getting back out there, meeting people I wouldn't usually and maybe if I was lucky there would be someone special at some stage but that wasn't really the focus.

 

But I think what you've done is maybe the opposite. Going to that much effort for a guy youve barely dated just communicates that you think so little of yourself that you have to do all that stuff to get and retain some guys interest.

 

You do not. You are valuable and desirable just for being you.

 

And it signals a bit of desperation, neediness and big expectations about meeting "the one". Most normal guys will run, no one likes that sort of pressure, of being evaluated or sized up for a lielong role. And the not normal guys will prey on your vulnerability for their own effed up purposes.

 

And at the end of the day, we all want someone equal to us, not "lesser".

 

Unfortunately everything you've said from the effort you went too, even after he came up with the dumb work excuse and dicked out on you, to your willingness to be "understanding" repeatedly of inconsiderate behaviour, to the way you over and over again contacted him, communicates to him that you believe you are worth "less" than him.

 

As a general rule of thumb while you are getting into the dating swing (just early in dating someone), I would urge you to resist the urge to contact him. Let him inititiate 2 contacts to every one of yours. Never reply to or initiate contact during your working day - this just tells him and more importantly communicates to you that he is a prioroty over your career. If he ignores your messages repeatedly for more than about 12 hours write him off, there are too many good men out their to tie yourself into a disrespectful one this early and all it does is further send the message to yourself that you are somehow so worthless that it is ok to ignore you. I also had a two contact rule. I never contacted more than twice in a row. No matter what, but especially if he hadnt replied to the first.

 

And this will be controversial, but I would recommend not tying yourself into dating/chatting online to just one guy at a time. why should he get exclusive rights to your fabulous slef without having done the hard yards to win you over? Plus it helps keep it fresh in your mind that you have other options. He is not the only guy interested in you and is not the only one you could have more with.

 

But please don't misunderstand me, I'm not recomending playing games for the sake of it or for the long term. Rather just having afew little techniques for projecting and protecting your self worth in dating and hence attracting guys that will value who you are and treat you accordingly. I actually only used tehse and a bunch of other mind-set tricks for a very short time before my core sense of self worth and my confidence returned and acting in a way that was in accord with this strong sense of self became second nature.

 

So i'm so sorry youre hurting babes, but I do think you're hurting more for what you gave away to him unasked, namely your power and self-esteem, not from losing him.

 

Hope this helps and I really do wish you the best xox

Edited July 2, 2013 by Archgirl

[BluEyeL]

I'm so sorry you've been brokenhearted. As much as it hurts now, please know that someone else will come along and you'll forget all about Mark. Just go through this pain, get over it and get out there again! Work on your self confidence and learn to care less. Keep your guard up when you do meet someone new, until it's clear that he is in love with you. Hope you heal fast!

[KatZee]

He kept flaking out on plans at the last minute, using the job as his excuse. Finally, he just ended the relationship because he said he couldn’t make the time for both the job and the relationship.

 

About 5 or 6 weeks later, Mark contacted me out of the blue.

 

He texted back and said he was sorry, he knows he promised me, but his job is just too demanding and he simply can’t make the time to spend with me. I didn’t want to lose him, so I asked him if he could set aside just one day out of the week to spend with me. He wrote back and said he was sorry, but no, he can’t. His job is just too unpredictable and he can’t even set aside one day a week for me. He said he was sorry and he never wanted to hurt me, but we should go our separate ways.

 

I know how crappy of a situation this is because my ex pulled this EXACT.SAME.THING with me. And the bolded part was the conversation I had with him, word for word well.

 

My ex started a new job and all of a sudden he had no time for me. I asked if we could do date night once a week to keep the connection and he said, "No, I have no idea the day I'll have to work and for how long so I can't even do that."

 

He dumped me very soon after, saying he was selfish and that I deserved someone who could give me the time I deserved.

 

:rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

Turns out he met a girl at this new job. He had actually dumped me so he could date her.

 

I'm willing to bet there is a third party involved in your situation as well. He doesn't work 24/7. He doesn't want to work on a relationship with you but it sounds like there is someone he'd rather be invested in.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's another woman...just move on, this guy is way too flaky and unreliable, next time don't let a man use his job as a buffer for screwing other women.

[Archgirl]

It's another woman...just move on, this guy is way too flaky and unreliable, next time don't let a man use his job as a buffer for screwing other women.

 

Wow dude! What happens when you soften the blow? Does the universe cease to exist or something!?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree, it's another woman. Things were on the rocks with her so he hit you up but then they made up. You are not his first choice.

 

Job is never an excuse. I could have the busiest week in the world and I can still make time for a guy I like and am attracted to.

[liquid_amber]

Well, it's certainly possible that it's another woman, but I really didn't get that vibe from him. I've been in relationships in the past where the guy was cheating, and I honestly did not get that vibe from Mark at all. But of course it had to be something, because nobody works 24/7 like he said he was doing. I just wish he'd never contacted me again. I was finally over him from the first breakup 6 weeks before, and if he'd never contacted me again I'd probably be fine now. But he did, and that set me way back in the healing process.

[Archgirl]

Well, it's certainly possible that it's another woman, but I really didn't get that vibe from him. I've been in relationships in the past where the guy was cheating, and I honestly did not get that vibe from Mark at all. But of course it had to be something, because nobody works 24/7 like he said he was doing. I just wish he'd never contacted me again. I was finally over him from the first breakup 6 weeks before, and if he'd never contacted me again I'd probably be fine now. But he did, and that set me way back in the healing process.

 

Nah it will just make it easier - you've had practice now

 

Plus now you know better so you won't make the same mistake again - personal growth is never regrettable

 

Maybe try not to be too much of a victim about it? He didn't really do anything to you that you didn't let him - like that just continues to give him your power and he clearly doesn't deserve your energy.

 

Xo

Edited July 2, 2013 by Archgirl

[Blu_crush]

I agree, it's another woman. Things were on the rocks with her so he hit you up but then they made up. You are not his first choice.

 

Job is never an excuse. I could have the busiest week in the world and I can still make time for a guy I like and am attracted to.

 

Wow, this Mark sounds exactly like the man I have been seeing, it is almost eerie that it is so similar. I think it is another woman too in your case; in my case the only way I found out is snooping as I thought I was going crazy. Of course right after he told me that "I didn't have any competition" we were having a nice dinner one Sunday evening and the "other woman" that he had failed to call/text back showed up at the door!! I tried to forget that as he said it was nothing.. that she was nothing. Over time I realized the pattern. As I see it now, if a man doesn't make time for you.. there is a great probability that he is juggling someone else. It is obvious always to me when "he needs his space" or doesn't return calls etc. I think some are just "serial" daters..I suppose the internet has made it so easy to just "push next" at least that is who I fell in love with --someone like him...and it is hard to let go

[Sunshine87]

Another woman.....he used you as his back- up girl.

 

When he was having problems with the other girl/ when they broke up, he ran back to you. Then ditched you when he got back with her/met someone else.

 

I can imagine your pain. It must hurt so bad but he is really scum. You will be fine. Give yourself some time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Wow dude! What happens when you soften the blow? Does the universe cease to exist or something!?

 

Alright alright...fiiiiine, geez

 

To add to my assessment;

 

You are also amazing and beautiful and all of that, totally looking great in whatever it is you are wearing right now, not fat at all...and deserve better and stuff...you will be happy and come across all these wonderful things and he's total jerk and loser and is missing out on all that it is you have to offer...

 

You have all these amazing things to offer a good guy, he is right around the corner so go ahead and go around that corner so you will meet him...although you will probably friendzone him...but remember you deserve better and should not settle and stuff.

 

You are totally amazing and a total catch, you should not be sad because being sad is bad, and you should go feel better about yourself and stuff because you are very valuable.

 

You are also very special, amazing and unique in case I forgot to mention and any guy would be lucky to have you wearing that sexy outfit.

 

Have a nice day ok bye,

 

Signed,

 

Ninja

[Archgirl]

Alright alright...fiiiiine, geez

 

To add to my assessment;

 

You are also amazing and beautiful and all of that, totally looking great in whatever it is you are wearing right now, not fat at all...and deserve better and stuff...you will be happy and come across all these wonderful things and he's total jerk and loser and is missing out on all that it is you have to offer...

 

You have all these amazing things to offer a good guy, he is right around the corner so go ahead and go around that corner so you will meet him...although you will probably friendzone him...but remember you deserve better and should not settle and stuff.

 

You are totally amazing and a total catch, you should not be sad because being sad is bad, and you should go feel better about yourself and stuff because you are very valuable.

 

You are also very special, amazing and unique in case I forgot to mention and any guy would be lucky to have you wearing that sexy outfit.

 

Have a nice day ok bye,

 

Signed,

 

Ninja

 

 

Hmmm better, perhaps ease off on the facetious tone next time around.

 

But totally ten out of ten for effort

 

Smartass

[pink_sugar]

My dad has dated people and broken off potential relationships because he felt these women worked so much that it would be too difficult to have a relationship with them. I agree to some extent. I know some workaholics and they just cannot be serious with anyone, because they are putting work first. Nothing you can do really. Messed up of him to lead you on rather than be clear he doesn't have time for a serious relationship right now. If he wants something casual, he needs to just come out and say it. I've often wondered myself if someone could make me as happy as my husband once did when we first met. I want that feeling back and I feel like I'll never have it again. Maybe try joining some clubs or getting involved with certain things you like to meet someone who has similar interests. I've never been into the meeting people at a bar or club thing and I find that you meet better quality people at places of interest. I've been wary of online dating until recently, because I know many people who have dated people they met online who not only lie about their age, but also the number of kids they have. Sometimes love even happens when you least expect it. Hope you feel better soon!

Edited July 9, 2013 by pink_sugar