ASG Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) 'friends' you've been kissing and touching and getting closer to sex That would be even worse. If I'm kissing someone and not having sex after a few dates, I'm out. I'm not 14 anymore. Kissing now leads to sex. Period. Might not lead to sex the first time. But within a couple more times it should. And if it doesn't, then I'm not interested. For me there is no "getting closer to sex". I either have it or I don't. I'm too old to be fooling around and beating around the bush. Life is short. I think sex on the first date is perfectly acceptable. (ppl who are just in it for the sex, will still only be in it for the sex after 3 dates) So waiting for 10 dates seems absolutely ridiculous! Also, I think it bears saying that I've only once went on a date with a complete stranger. Everyone else I knew through other people. Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove quote from banned member 3
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 If you have any other comments feel free to share! I think you should have sex only when you wish to have sex (assuming you can find a willing partner at the time, of course). Don't be concerned if that means doing things differently from some of the views expressed by people in this thread. 1
IT Geek Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It was almost 7 weeks before my SO and I slept together. However, it was WELL worth the wait. She is a dynamo and it's usually at least 8 times on the weekends. Just because a woman doesn't sleep with you in 3 dates doesn't mean she's not into sex. Maybe she's just waiting to make sure that's not ALL you're after! 4
Babolat Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Women like you need to realise something. Now I don't say that to be insulting at all but I just wanna get this point out of the way. The first thing a guys wants is sex and that's the bottom line. The longer you make a guy wait for it the more chance there is of him looking for it somewhere else. This is especially true the older a guy gets because for us we know that we can never really commit to someone until we know what it feels like to be intimate with them.....once the sex is out of the way that's when people get a better indication of whether or not they want to invest themselves into building a relationship with someone. Certain factors of course need to be taken into consideration like, how long have two people known each other? were they friends?, are they work colleagues? see each other at the gym? what form of dialogue do they already have or how long it will take them be able to communicate with each other openly? did they meet in a club where the first interaction they had was grinding up against each other(generally guaranteed to up in bed with each other at the end of the night), or were they complete strangers who made eye contact walking down the street and decided to have coffee with each other(surely this would take the longest time because you don't even know what its like to communicate with each other yet). So basically once a guy is green lit to show his advances towards a girl which go beyond the realm of friendly conversation(which shouldn't take too long once an open form of dialogue has been established) then we pretty much expect to sleep with you within the next 2 dates......any more than that and we start to feel like our efforts are not being recognised or appreciated, that maybe she is indecisive, maybe she isn't really into it, that she wants us to commit to her without having sex with her(generally experienced men know that this is the time to walk away because they will realise that she doesn't understand that committing to someone without being intimate with them is not a realistic at all). So yeah.....Sex is something we expect and if we don't see a green light to go for it with you then we will look for it somewhere else. I could not disagree more. I have had lots of sex, great incredible sex in my lifetime. And I know, without a doubt, I could be having sex regularly right now. But I am not. I am purposefully delaying sex or not even having sex with woman I meet. I WANT to be friends first and then see if anything else develops. If not, I've made a new friend. There are 2 I am sexually attracted to, though I am not persuing them for sex. In fact, saex would probably runi our friendship, which I do not want. That said, prior, sex usually happened by the 2nd or 3rd date and it was non stop, 3-4 times a day when we met up after that. And in some cases it did not matter where we were. I am a very physical sexual person and I have found the woman I went out with are too.
ASG Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) My view on it though is "why wait?". There is no good reason to wait. If we're both attracted to each other, we'll have sex. If *that* goes well, we'll invest more time getting to know each other and moving into a relationship. It has nothing to do with maturity. Just different view points. Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove quote from banned member 1
Babolat Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Oh, and I waited 2 1/2 years once for sex; she was a virgin and made it clear her first was going to be her husband, which was me. And I had sexual partners pror to meeting her, so trust me, it was a challenge but it was worth it and I never forced the issue. 1
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Placing sexual compatibility above every other thing is their choice and their lifestyle. When they say they will not wait, what they are saying is that they are screening for people who share their sexual values and who also place a low value on developing emotional intimacy. I wouldn't call it a lack of principles, necessarily. I would say that people who make a habit of doing this likely aren't a good match for those who are more relationship oriented... and probably aren't a good pick for anyone looking for a relationship, really. Of course, those who screen this way will scream that they ARE relationship oriented (blah, blah)... but if you stick around long enough here, you'll see their history is mostly short term, ONS type thing... and are also against marriage and commitment. Long story short...These types of screening methods (3 date rule) are for people who aren't relationship oriented. ... and yes, you CAN screen out guys who are 'banging' other women while getting to know you by choosing to wait. I've done it many times. It isn't that hard at all. Interestingly, it is these same guys who get the most pissed when you send them packing. Also not surprising considering their behavior. ... so what I would say to the OP... is that, yes, if you are looking for a relationship, then it is wise to wait and get to know someone. If he doesn't want to wait, then he's either not interested enough in you, or he simply is not looking for a relationship (no matter what BS he claims otherwise). Edited July 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove quote from banned member 4
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Placing sexual compatibility above every other thing is their choice and their lifestyle. When they say they will not wait, what they are saying is that they are screening for people who share their sexual values and who also place a low value on developing emotional intimacy. I wouldn't call it a lack of principles, necessarily. I would say that people who make a habit of doing this likely aren't a good match for those who are more relationship oriented... and probably aren't a good pick for anyone looking for a relationship, really. Of course, those who screen this way will scream that they ARE relationship oriented (blah, blah)... but if you stick around long enough here, you'll see their history is mostly short term, ONS type thing... and are also against marriage and commitment. Long story short...These types of screening methods (3 date rule) are for people who aren't relationship oriented. ... and yes, you CAN screen out guys who are 'banging' other women while getting to know you by choosing to wait. I've done it many times. It isn't that hard at all. Interestingly, it is these same guys who get the most pissed when you send them packing. Also not surprising considering their behavior. Just one question? How it is your own history? How someone with such big values and standards who is so focus on emotional bounding is single? You diminish the value an intentions of people who don't think like you and you are wrong, obviously I don't really care what you think about me personally but I find it so presumptuous to say that your way of thinking is the only one correct to focus in a relationship that I had to answer you... You put as example the relationship life of other people... what about yours? 1
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Placing sexual compatibility above every other thing is their choice and their lifestyle. I'm not sure that anyone was saying to place it above those other things, just not to place it below them. If I have sex with someone on an early date I'm not saying "let's not bother to talk about our hobbies and interests and anything else until we see if the sex is any good"! It's part of getting to know someone, just like all the other things. 4
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Placing sexual compatibility above every other thing is their choice and their lifestyle. When they say they will not wait, what they are saying is that they are screening for people who share their sexual values and who also place a low value on developing emotional intimacy. I wouldn't call it a lack of principles, necessarily. I would say that people who make a habit of doing this likely aren't a good match for those who are more relationship oriented... and probably aren't a good pick for anyone looking for a relationship, really. Of course, those who screen this way will scream that they ARE relationship oriented (blah, blah)... but if you stick around long enough here, you'll see their history is mostly short term, ONS type thing... and are also against marriage and commitment. Long story short...These types of screening methods (3 date rule) are for people who aren't relationship oriented. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I like you RedRobin, but, man o man, come on! I am very open about my sexual desires and expectations as you know. I am also very desirous of the emotional connection that I make with my partner. In fact, w/o it, there is no way the relationship can progress, no matter how great or early on the sex is. I talk about sexual compatibility very early in the relationship. I can wait, but I make it clear that it is very important to me, so no mixed signals, no surprises later on and I have NEVER had any lady balk. Edited July 2, 2013 by soccerrprp 3
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Just one question? How it is your own history? How someone with such big values and standards who is so focus on emotional bounding is single? You diminish the value an intentions of people who don't think like you and you are wrong, obviously I don't really care what you think about me personally but I find it so presumptuous to say that your way of thinking is the only one correct to focus in a relationship that I had to answer you... You put as example the relationship life of other people... what about yours? Not diminishing anything. You seem to have plenty of value to people who share your viewpoint. You are screening effectively for those who share your outlook... and you get the results that you get... which you seem happy with. You and I have different goals. I've had very good results finding LTRs and screening out those who are not interested or capable of such. We'll have to define what you mean by 'single'... To me 'single' is anyone who is not married who has the opportunity to marry. Being in a 'relationship' is still 'single' to me if they aren't married.
Casablanca Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Say you really enjoyed her company and thought she was both attractive and interesting. Would you be annoyed with not having sex by dates 10-14? Would you even think to be in a relationship with her BEFORE having sex? Just taking a quick poll If you have any other comments feel free to share! I only did a quick look and it sounds like I'll be in the minority, but I would be okay if I really liked you, I'd be willing to wait for someone who I really like and care about, I'd assume there would at least be making out, cuddling things like that...one girl I dated, she was up front, didn't know when it would happen, she still was a virgin and wasn't necessarily waiting until marriage, she hadn't had much dating experience...I really liked her, so I didn't have that problem...we probably had about that many dates before she broke up with me
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Not diminishing anything. You seem to have plenty of value to people who share your viewpoint. You are screening effectively for those who share your outlook... and you get the results that you get... which you seem happy with. You and I have different goals. I've had very good results finding LTRs and screening out those who are not interested or capable of such. We'll have to define what you mean by 'single'... To me 'single' is anyone who is not married who has the opportunity to marry. Being in a 'relationship' is still 'single' to me if they aren't married. But you do... you are telling me that because I want a person to have strong sexual desire for me I am not relationship oriented..... I am always surprised when people make this kind of asserts... do you have any valuable proof or study to back that? OP asked a very clear question... would people wanna wait for sex to to in a relationship? You could choose to give your personal experience or preference but instead of doing that you pick up on people who don't think like you, judge them and make a statement about them separating the "relationship oriented"and the ones who are not.. You have to be a very young woman... you at least sound very immature!
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I'm not sure that anyone was saying to place it above those other things, just not to place it below them. If I have sex with someone on an early date I'm not saying "let's not bother to talk about our hobbies and interests and anything else until we see if the sex is any good"! It's part of getting to know someone, just like all the other things. You are showing with your actions that those other things have low or little value to you. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I like you RedRobin, but, man o man, come on! I am very open about my sexual desires and expectations as you know. I am also very desirous of the emotional connection that I make with my partner. In fact, w/o it, there is no way the relationship can progress, no matter how great or early on the sex is. I talk about sexual compatibility very early in the relationship. I can wait, but I make it clear that it is very important to me, so no mixed signals, no surprises later on and I have NEVER had any lady balk. Not sure how you can be emotionally connected to someone you hardly know. Talking about sexual compatibility is different than expecting someone to have sex with a stranger...
William Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 From moderation: We had a regular troll stop by and invade this thread so we had to do some cleanup after banning them. I tried to retain all responses which were more to the topic than a direct response to the troll. However, some posts may seem nonsensical, in part, due to the troll's quote being deleted. Sorry for the intrusion. Carry on. 2
Ryan R. Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I know and that leaves me to date the awkward guy many woman would probably not give him the time of he day, the one that might not even be good looking and slightly overweight. I'm coming to the point I don't care anymore if he lacks some social skills. Maybe I was meant to be with him. Seems that's the only choice nowadays and there is no middle ground. It's between either the extremely extroverted typical stud or the awkward one that stutters in some sentences. I'll take the awkward one. Well you are most likely right. Most of the guys I know who are highly desired by women or have options usually don't wait around that long for sex. Most of the guys I know who don't really date that much or are inexperienced with women tend to give the women much more leeway in terms of when sex will occur. The latter tends to be less "classically handsome" than the former. Just patterns that I have observed when it comes to friends and dating.
RedRobin Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) But you do... you are telling me that because I want a person to have strong sexual desire for me I am not relationship oriented..... I am always surprised when people make this kind of asserts... do you have any valuable proof or study to back that? OP asked a very clear question... would people wanna wait for sex to to in a relationship? You could choose to give your personal experience or preference but instead of doing that you pick up on people who don't think like you, judge them and make a statement about them separating the "relationship oriented"and the ones who are not.. You have to be a very young woman... you at least sound very immature! Hardly. Just stating the facts. People who want stable LTRs do the actions that those looking for LTRs relationships do. I don't think the OP's desire to have a guy wait 10-14 dates is out of line for someone who is looking for a LTR. You don't get to pick and choose which behaviors lead to stable LTRs... just because you prefer having sex with strangers or have a different screening method for whom you choose to spend time with. Edited July 2, 2013 by RedRobin 1
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Not sure how you can be emotionally connected to someone you hardly know. I understand that. I admit that the emotional connection lags behind the sexual connection. Talking about sexual compatibility is different than expecting someone to have sex with a stranger... Believe you, me, I shake my head at times thinking about this.
therhythm Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hardly. Just stating the facts. People who want stable LTRs do the actions that those looking for LTRs relationships do. Those who don't... don't. You don't get to pick and choose which behaviors lead to stable LTRs... just because you like having sex with strangers. You do what you do... you get the results you get... It is not rocket science nor is it a value judgement. Sorry OP, this will be my last post about this because I don't want to derail the thread. There is more than one way that bring you to Rome lady .... there is many ways to get into a LTR. But you are right I am not looking for a LTR, I am not looking for anything, I let things develop and if I find a woman who is a good match for me I keep going with the flow till it becomes a LTR. You should try to relax a bit and enjoy life as it comes... If you try to plan your life before it happens prepare yourself for the disappointments... they will come! And by the way, yes I don't have any problem having sex with people I don't know if I feel attracted to them OP, you are in your right to wait to have sex till the moment you feel comfortable doing it... don't allow anyone to push you for sex, if someone is pushing for sex is not the right guy! I never push for sex, it either happen or not, if it doesn't in my case I just move on because I give a lot of importance to chemistry, passion and physical attraction in a relationship... but there are other people who look for different things in a relationship and they will match perfectly with your values... Good luck!
will1988 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Ideally it would be a lot less than 10 dates for me... I would be kind of annoyed after that. then again, if she wanted to wait a little bit than I'd be fine, I'd surely drop some hints, but i wouldn't force the issue. Now if we had been dating for a year and no sex, then it is time to move on... IMO... a man has needs! lol
L1ght Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 'friends' you've been kissing and touching and getting closer to sex That would be even worse. If I'm kissing someone and not having sex after a few dates, I'm out. I'm not 14 anymore. Kissing now leads to sex. Period. Might not lead to sex the first time. But within a couple more times it should. And if it doesn't, then I'm not interested. For me there is no "getting closer to sex". I either have it or I don't. I'm too old to be fooling around and beating around the bush. Life is short. I think sex on the first date is perfectly acceptable. (ppl who are just in it for the sex, will still only be in it for the sex after 3 dates) So waiting for 10 dates seems absolutely ridiculous! Also, I think it bears saying that I've only once went on a date with a complete stranger. Everyone else I knew through other people. This is the same way any experienced guy thinks in all reality. We are not teenagers anymore and gone are the days when we had to wait 6 months to a year before our teenage lovers were comfortable taking things to the next stage. Waiting so long is really a young persons game but its all part and parcel of growing up. You are totally right, as we get older and more experienced we don't beat around the bush and we know that we are not gonna commit to someone without knowing what its like to be sexually intimate with them. 3
Babolat Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I like you RedRobin, but, man o man, come on! I am very open about my sexual desires and expectations as you know. I am also very desirous of the emotional connection that I make with my partner. In fact, w/o it, there is no way the relationship can progress, no matter how great or early on the sex is. I talk about sexual compatibility very early in the relationship. I can wait, but I make it clear that it is very important to me, so no mixed signals, no surprises later on and I have NEVER had any lady balk. Damn, I like this chick! 1
ASG Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hardly. Just stating the facts. People who want stable LTRs do the actions that those looking for LTRs relationships do. I don't think the OP's desire to have a guy wait 10-14 dates is out of line for someone who is looking for a LTR. You don't get to pick and choose which behaviors lead to stable LTRs... just because you prefer having sex with strangers or have a different screening method for whom you choose to spend time with. I've had LTRs come out of early on casual sex. FWB that turned into full blown BFs. Having sex early or not does not determine whether a relationship is going to be serious or not. It's whether you're compatible with the person and whether you share the same interests and values. 1
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 You are showing with your actions that those other things have low or little value to you. I'm afraid you're wrong there. Those other things are valuable to me, and I seek emotional intimacy and compatibility in many areas. It's just that I explore and seek sexual compatibility as well (not instead of) early on while getting to know someone. 2
sillyanswer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Hardly. Just stating the facts. People who want stable LTRs do the actions that those looking for LTRs relationships do. I don't think the OP's desire to have a guy wait 10-14 dates is out of line for someone who is looking for a LTR. I disagree that those things you call facts are facts. I think they are your opinions. There's more than one way to skin a cat. I agree with you that the OP's desire isn't out of line for looking for an LTR, but I also think that it's not the only way to find an LTR. Hopefully, for anyone seeking an LTR, they'll follow a path that leads to them finding someone with compatible views about enough of the important things (to them both). That doesn't mean that the only way to an LTR is to avoid early sex (but I'm definitely not saying that your way is wrong).
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