The Lioness Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 After nine years of marriage I'm going to counseling session tomaro am. How do I get the most out of this I am giving my marriage until Jan to work out this is the third lengthy deadline I've made . I got up 2am and started writing down all of the things he has done to rob me of my joy. How do i put this in a way that will not create strife.
sherell Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 congratulations, going to counseling is the first healthy step to try to repair your marriage. I don't know the details of your marriage issues, but the first thing I would do for the moment, is to take your deadline off the table. It puts way too much pressure on the both of you. You have to think of this process as baby steps to getting what you want. The most constructive approach when you are in counseling together is to not blame or attack, this never works, it only puts people on the defensive. Try to state exactly what the issues are with as much caring as you can muster. Its not easy, but it may help tremendously. I can only tell you from my own experience, that counseling can really help. I have been doing it for almost a year with my husband who was so against going, and now looks forward to it!! I wish you the best of luck.
izzybelle Posted October 19, 2004 Posted October 19, 2004 along the lines of what sherell suggests as far as how you phrase things..... one approach that's sometimes suggested is to focus the "complaint" on how something makes you feel instead of attacking something he's doing or not doing. instead of saying "you ignore me" try "when we don't spend enough time together, i feel like ....." so even though you have your "complaint" list be very careful... if you get him on the defensive it could end up less productive. good luck and let us know how it goes!
Author The Lioness Posted October 19, 2004 Author Posted October 19, 2004 Thank you for your help, I haven't figured out how to reply personally yet. Oh my goodness how hard it is going to be not to get down to the cold hard facts as to why I'm soooo... unhappy. Sherell, Thank you for the point about the issues, I'm a very strong self-made woman, being needy is a problem for me. Izzybelle, How something makes me feel is genius, not what you do to me. Thank you so much for your words The Lioness
Author The Lioness Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 Well you guy really helped me out. I was nervous especially since my H and I haven't taled about what we were going to say, I guess we knew. Izzeybelle, I thought of your words remain calm and speake about how I feel not what my H has done to me This session was with our Pastor, I know all that old fashioned stuff, well much to my surprise he never mentions submission once. He was very fair to both of us. His Rx for us is to begin a date night just the two of us , put alot of efffort into the evening being creative doing things we know eachn other like. Most of all stay away from subjects that are sensitive. Oh yeah, he told I should work on my body language being Italian and Irish this is hard. No more rolling eyes and using hand gestures. And My H must stop tuning me out. I'm thinking about starting a journal to help me see my life from a different perspective. Lioness
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 I'm not sure I agree with the advice of "sugar-coating" the complaint list. What is wrong with using the counselling session to vent and get everything out in the open no matter how harsh it is? Both partners have the same opportunity to really "express" their feelings rather than just calmly say how they feel. At least I tend to think that this is okay in the early stages of counselling, am I wrong?
izzybelle Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 i think different things work for different people. the main reason sometimes it's better to sugar coat, or focus more using me and I than you, is that if you immediately put someone on the defensive about their behavior and they feel like they're being attacked the session has the possibility of going down hill fast. it has the potential of becoming an "i can top that" situation. yes, sometimes just getting everything out on the table is helpful and there are some cases where the "attacking" words are just going to come out but... and there may also be times when expressing the anger can be helpful and appropriate. but in many cases avoiding the "attack" can create a better environment for communication to take place.
Author The Lioness Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 I don't know if we would have had enough time to vent our complete list, as is was is was 90 minutes. I have been telling my H for years my wants, needs, and desires. No don't get me wrong he cooks wonderful dinners for our family and feeds my ego 100%, it is my heart that doesn't get feed. We discussed a date night I will try to do something he really likes. I just don't know if this is going to work Lioness
stormywind Posted October 20, 2004 Posted October 20, 2004 Do you think there's a point in a relationship where counseling won't work?
Author The Lioness Posted October 20, 2004 Author Posted October 20, 2004 Thats a loaded question, What is the biggest reason your marriage is not working?
Recommended Posts