warlybog Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 My current boyfriend was my TA a year ago. He read my work, we had interesting discussions, there was a lot of sexual tension between us. So I asked him out after the conclusion of the semester, he accepted, we decided to go steady about two weeks after our first kiss. Our honeymoon phase lasted about three months. There was lots of sex, lots of turns cooking dinner, lots of texting, initiated by him. I knew "calm companionship" would soon take over, so I texted him less often than he did (perhaps once daily?) About three months in, he became angry with his cell phone company for reasons I do not know about so he stopped using his cell phone as often. I received no texts. If I wished to get in touch with him, it would be on him home phone, which he picks up about 90% of the time when I call. The thing is, only I ever call. I initiate email contact 90% of the time (his preferred mode of communication, in which much has been lost in translation over the past few weeks). When he emails me, it is usually to inquire about plans. Ah, plans. He does not have time for me in the daytime unless it is about him (trip to family homestead, sports match). Us-time doing outdoor couple activities....these are neither suggested nor attempted. He claims he is busy. (He is in his final months of his PhD and is dedicated to his sport). The communication and lack of willingness to spend daytime with me has been eating away at me lately. I do not just want to hang out in the evening for repetitive mundane evening activities (eating and sleeping or watching a movie then sleeping). We no longer have interesting conversations, our sex is good but it has definitely calmed down. We have it if he is in the mood. I have tried a couple of times to initiate, I have been refused. I have sex even if I am not fully in the mood - after all, we see each other a maximum of twice per week. We live about twenty minutes away from one another. He is apparently too busy. I think I am mentally checking out of this relationship because I feel underappreciated. Perhaps we don't have interesting conversations because I don't love him anymore. (We've been together six months). Lately, he has been getting annoyed at me for small things. The last straw for me that has made me almost certain I want a break from this is happened so: I was spending the weekend with him to attend a two-day long sports match. I made him a gag keychain as a "good luck charm" because he once told me he collects keychains; he told me he had no use for it. That hurt but I acted as though it didn't bother me. I am ill 50% of the time with abdominal issues that I am trying to have treated. I fell ill on the first night of the matches. I slept in a different room that night because I did not want to keep him up. In the morning I was too ill to accompany him so I said I would leave later and asked for a spare key. I used his kitchen to cook a meal for myself and him when he returned, knowing he would be tired. I cleaned up after myself knowing how fussy he is; even cleaned the floor, which was gross, because I have a mane for hair and am constantly picking up my hair. The next day in replying to my email to him about how things had gone the final days and to change plans for our date that week, he expressed displeasure at my lack of attention to cleanliness in his kitchen and that next time I should ask before I use certain ingredients. I do not know which mess he is referring to. What is angering me is that he did not even bother to ask if it were me (he had a roomate until recently). He did not thank me for the lunch I had left for him in the fridge. In fact, he said what I had done made it difficult to appreciate my gesture. When we first started dating, he was explicitly appreciative towards such gestures. They are my way of showing that I care once in a while. I feel that he doesn't even like that gesture anymore. I am simultaneously an emotional and an analytical person. My gut is telling me that something is wrong with this picture. I am unhappy. He is a nice man otherwise, softspoken, highly intelligent, lovely to his family. He is very often affectionate towards me. Calls me "honey" and "sweetheart", introduced me to all his teammates at his sports match and at parties we attend together. As for things he does for me...for my birthday two months ago he threw me an unforgettable party. Yet I am still unhappy. That is the reality and I feel it is time I listen to my gut, no matter how great a catch this man appears to be. Is it reasonable for me to request more communication in order to feel fulfilled in this relationship and to express that without it, I cannot carry on? My friends tell me to play the game of ignoring, which I can, but I feel like you would play that game if you want the guy really badly. I am not desperate for a man to want me so badly. If I want to talk, then I feel I should be able to talk. If he doesn't well then, I'm thirty and I don't want to waste any more time. Suggestions and advice would so greatly be appreciated. My view of the situation is biased in my favour; perhaps objective analyses would produce something different. Thank you in advance for your time to read this post and to offer advice.
Phantom888 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 This guy is a total self-centered a**hole. It took several months for his true self to be revealed. I guess now you finally see who he really is, and you are not attracted to this side of him. Time to break up and move on. Why waste time when you know things will not improve?
Million.to.1 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Everything does not Glitter. Sounds pretty cr*p to me. I would end it. If you feel unappreciated now, it will only get worse. He seems to have selfish expectations in this relationship and things are all on his terms. My boyfriend would never EVER turn down me initiating sex or say he has no use for a silly gift I made him. This guy is too practical and boring for you. Move on. 1
soccerrprp Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 warlybog, EVERYTHING DOES NOT GLITTER! I'm sorry, but this guy is not the great guy you like to think he is. From your description of events and his attitude towards you, etc. there is no way I would think this guy was "glitter." No way. I think what is happening here is that you are exaggerating the good moments to the extent that you minimize the bad moments to levels that they should not be minimized. YOU ARE UNHAPPY for reasons expressed....no glitter in this relationship. It sounds to me that his attitude may have changed as he is winding down his PhD. Perhaps he's now decided that as he's approaching his academic goals that he's also looking ahead in more than one way? The anger of the phone, the lack of activity time with you are all symptoms of a bigger problem/agenda/issue. His actions seem calculated and I have the feeling that he is creating an atmosphere that is hostile to push you away. He may not be the type who has the nuts to simply tell you how he really feels about the relationship, so he sabotages it by making it difficult for you in the hopes you will voluntarily leave. I don't know....but, he is no great guy. PERIOD. I hope you find resolution here. I would leave...it's just not healthy. And, oh yes, let him know what you want. See how he responds. 1
Drseussgrrl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It's so often brought up on this forum that women initiate divorce due to emotional neglect, while the man is standing there holding his hat wondering what the hell he did wrong. Men - pay attention. And yes - this r'ship does sound like utter crap. I'm sorry. 1
AMusing Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 So, finishing up a PhD takes a LOT of time and energy. A whole lot. It makes even the best of us an anxious, stressed wreck. The dude is under a lot of stress. That said, you have the gift of seeing who he is when he's stressed relatively early into the relationship. You can assume that, for the remainder of your relationship, when times get rough, he'll check out, take his frustrations out on you (the dude is seriously rude), and place you fairly low on his list of priorities. Ask yourself: do you really want to put up with that? From your post, it sounds like the answer to that is "No." You didn't mention this, but many PhD's have to leave their degree-granting university to find a postdoc. Has he talked to you about his plans post-graduation? He may know that he's going to move soon, and so already sees the expiration date on your relationship.
Adele0908 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 This situation is obvious to me, no offense. Of course, this is only speculation and opinion based on limited information. But it just seems like he is focused on his PhD right now. He cares about you, and still wants to continue seeing you, but since he has you now, he feels free to focus on other things that are important to him. What you need to do is leave him alone to focus on himself. While he does this, please take the time to focus on yourself and your needs. Focus on work, school, career, fashion, hobbies, friends, having fun, etc. Stop worrying about him not paying enough attention to you. It's just the little girl in you getting mad that he isn't paying you enough attention. Isn't that what children do? Now it's time to be an adult. When he snaps at you, correct him on the spot. If he breaks plans with you, tell him right away that you don't condone last minute changes. There is no need to end things with him, though other people may tell you otherwise. This is just an opportunity for you to learn how to ask for what you need, and get it. We are humans, but we are also mammals. When you have a bad dog, do you toss it out the house, or do you learn how to train it and get it to do what you want?
Author warlybog Posted July 12, 2013 Author Posted July 12, 2013 You guys were right. He fell out of the relationship a while back. Perhpas we both did. It became inauthentic, and there was no chance to make it authentic because we never could spend time with one another. Anyway, sadness and reliefe and in a few weeks, hopefully all wll be forgotten. Thank you for your replies. I wish you all happiness. 1
lionness69 Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 RUNNN.... He doesn't appreciate you and is taking you for granted. He doesn't care about your feelings.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 It's so often brought up on this forum that women initiate divorce due to emotional neglect, while the man is standing there holding his hat wondering what the hell he did wrong. Men - pay attention. Yeah men, pay attention - don't get married. But if you do, marry a woman capable of communication, who doesn't expect you to read her mind. OP, only thing I have in partial defense of your SO is that I also never call anyone, and it doesn't mean I don't want to talk to them when they call. Am I self-centered... probably. But I'm also socially avoidant. And I don't like talking a lot of the time. Just throwing those things out there. All the other stuff... yeah, doesn't sound good. But then we don't have a complete picture, we're just hearing your complaints. Most people on this forum forget that.
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