Pisces13 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Some of you may have read my topic last week about my ex sending me some breadcrumbs, and the new girl I met when I went out a couple weeks back that I've been texting with lately, but who I wasn't too sure on. Well, I had texted my ex early yesterday asking if she maybe wanted to see a movie this week (since she wanted us to start hanging out again), she seemed to try and dodge the question though and I didn't end up getting a proper answer out of her... Unexpectedly during the 8 hours it took my ex to reply to my last text, the new girl sent me a text. We spent the rest of the night texting back and forth, and I ended up finding out that we have quite a few things in common. I then asked her if she wanted to go out for dinner later this week and she said yes For some reason now though, I feel really scared and anxious. It's not over the fact that I'm simply going on a date, that has never bothered me, but I think it is to do with my ex. It's like I'm scared to move on. I really do like what I've seen so far with the new girl, and I feel like this is helping with me moving forward, but at same time I do still love my ex and still don't feel comfortable not having her in my life. I feel conflicted, and confused I feel like I'm doing something bad by going out with this new girl, but at the same time I really want to get to know her better and get on with my life. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with dating after being dumped?
Legatus Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I think you have to be honest to yourself and the new girl. If you're not ready - you're not ready. Don't try to push it as you may end up causing more troubles. Finish things off with your ex. Decide whether you want her as her friend, or go to No Contact zone. Only then you can start moving on process. I would strongly advise you to think about it before you meet the new girl. You could tell her that you may not be ready, perhaps she understand but I don't know on what level you two are.. If you're concious enough to feel like you're doing something bad, then there's a good chance that your mind is trying to tell you something 1
aloneinaz Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Go on the date.. Enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Don't go into it w/any expectations and let things land where they will. You need to move on w/your life and disappear from your ex's life. My ex broke w/me 4 weeks ago though I should of dumped her before. It was toxic but w/were together 1.4 years. I waited two weeks and started dating again. Its FUN.. enjoy it. Don't give your ex any thoughts. I didn't. Don't compare. Everyone is different. Stay in the moment! No will ever get over their ex if they sit at home for ever pinning over someone who didn't want them in their life anymore.
Simon Phoenix Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 First of all, stop asking your ex out on dates (that's basically what you did). You really need to go NC at this point and stick to it and stop caving. As for this new one, you have a variety of options. 1) Just go on the date and have fun and see how it goes and address the ex conversation later 2) go on the date but explain that you just got out of a relationship or 3) punt the date and come up with an excuse. But basically, you need to get your balls back. Do you realize how ridiculous you sound when you say you feel like you are doing something wrong to your ex by going on a date? That's just an absurd, ass-backward way to think. SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU, THIS IS WHAT SHE ASKED FOR! There's nothing to feel guilty for because there is no relationship -- it's over due to her desire to end it. You really need to man the hell up and stop being a pushover/wallflower. I realize you are hurt, but come on dude -- you are giving her exactly what she wanted. 1
McGriff Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I experienced this same exact thing after my divorce. I was with the ex wife for 14 years and never cheated. So going out on that first couple of dates was EXTREMELY awkward for me. I felt guilty, like I was doing something wrong. It's just a barrier you have to break through. You are living your life. You owe your ex NOTHING, and believe me, if she has the opportunity to date, she's gonna do it without so much as an ounce if guilt. Go on the date, have fun, and don't put any pressure on yourself. Don't force anything, and just be yourself and more than anything, HAVE FUN! 1
flitzanu Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Some of you may have read my topic last week about my ex sending me some breadcrumbs, and the new girl I met when I went out a couple weeks back that I've been texting with lately, but who I wasn't too sure on. Well, I had texted my ex early yesterday asking if she maybe wanted to see a movie this week (since she wanted us to start hanging out again), she seemed to try and dodge the question though and I didn't end up getting a proper answer out of her... Unexpectedly during the 8 hours it took my ex to reply to my last text, the new girl sent me a text. We spent the rest of the night texting back and forth, and I ended up finding out that we have quite a few things in common. I then asked her if she wanted to go out for dinner later this week and she said yes For some reason now though, I feel really scared and anxious. It's not over the fact that I'm simply going on a date, that has never bothered me, but I think it is to do with my ex. It's like I'm scared to move on. I really do like what I've seen so far with the new girl, and I feel like this is helping with me moving forward, but at same time I do still love my ex and still don't feel comfortable not having her in my life. I feel conflicted, and confused I feel like I'm doing something bad by going out with this new girl, but at the same time I really want to get to know her better and get on with my life. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing with dating after being dumped? that's not your decision. your ex doesn't want you in HER life, that's why she dumped you.
Author Pisces13 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Thanks for the feedback guys, appreciate it I know that I'm being a bit stupid feeling this way, but I can't really help it. I'm a very loyal sort of person with a guilty conscience, so that way of thinking is just in my nature I guess, especially since I had no say in the decision to break up. I once read about a dog whose owner died, it then went and slept on the owners grave the rest of it's days, I guess that is kind of how I feel... A part of me doesn't, or isn't ready to let go just yet. I am getting there though. In general, emotionally speaking I do feel a lot better than I did initially. I guess it's more or less just the thought of dating, or getting involved with another girl really cementing the end of my relationship with my ex, like it is finally hitting home that it is actually over. I'm going to go on the date though and just try to enjoy myself. I'll keep it real casual and just see how I feel in the moment. I think once I get there and get in to the swing of things I'll start to feel a lot better.
aloneinaz Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) Just add copious amounts of alcohol. That always helps, especially on your first date back in the dating game. Hey, I get what you're saying but like what everyone is telling you, your ex didn't want you in her life anymore. There's nothing to be LOYAL about. At some point you need to get to the anger side of this (if you haven't already) and say F-her! She didn't want me in her life, her loss. I know how it feels to think "hey, it's really OVER". It's the finality of it, huh. Remind yourself that the only final thing is death. Everything else, you never know. Give yourself plenty of kudo's for getting back on the horse and trying it again. Don't take the date or dating too seriously. It's simply an opportunity to spend some fun time with the opposite sex. It's also an opportunity to meet your next great relationship. You can't win if you don't play. Have fun and let us know how it went! Edited July 2, 2013 by aloneinaz 1
flitzanu Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 az, just wanted to say, you've really climbed on the horse yourself, you were quite the mess not long ago.
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 az, just wanted to say, you've really climbed on the horse yourself, you were quite the mess not long ago. Thanks- I'm not going to say I'm over it 100%. It's still hard and I'm at the "it's really over stage". I just know in my heart of hearts that I'd been miserable if her and I got married for example. While I'm not perfect, she's REALLY got some issues that she needs to address before she's ever happy w/anyone, much less herself. As I've posted several time, I can STRONGLY remember coming home several times after hanging at her place asking myself what's wrong with me that I'm putting up w/such an angry, nasty, mean person when she was stressed or annoyed. No guy would tolerate her behavior unless they were totally wusses. That why we kept arguing and breaking up. I wouldn't put up with it and call her out on her poor behavior. I think two things still bother me. I'd never been dumped from a long relationship and know I should of dumped her first (not that it really matters that much). The second is I'm so sick of dating! I didn't want to start dating again which is why I put up her crap as long as I did. It's amazing how many people you have to go out with to find ONE possibility of a potential person that may work.. 4
Chi townD Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Okay, lets look at it this way. You asked your Ex out and she did everything in her power to dodge the question. Left you WAITING for 8 hours for you to get a text. New girl contacts you, you have a GREAT conversation with her and discovered a lot of shared interests, you ask her out and she readily agree's and it actually sounds like she's looking forward to spending an evening out with you. NOW! Where do you think your bread is buttered? 1
Author Pisces13 Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Went on the date last night, I think it went pretty well I kind of felt like I had my guard up a little bit, but the conversation was still flowing and we ended up staying out until 12:30AM this morning. Most importantly, I didn't think about my ex at all She seems keen to do it again sometime soon, so we'll see how things progress I suppose! This girl is really well suited for me though, so much more so than my ex was. She has her act together good job etc., we have heaps in common, she seems to be at the same sort of stage in life that I'm at (over doing the whole clubbing/bar scene etc.) and she is VERY attractive as an added bonus. I feel like I'm on to a winner, but we'll just take things slow and see how it goes I guess. 6
Chi townD Posted July 6, 2013 Posted July 6, 2013 There ya go! Just have a good time. Don't over analyze everything with this new girl and just take it for what it's worth. You get to spend the night out on the town with a very pretty girl. nothing more and nothing less. No expectations. Just a promise of a fun night out and that's it. If you look at it from that ethos, then it might help you to relax next time.
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