kitschkat Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I'm 21 years old and my boyfriend is also 21; we've been in a long distance relationship for about 4 months. I've never had a Facebook because I'm really not a fan of social media. However, my boyfriend uses it pretty frequently in my opinion. His relationship status is blank. I know this because I told an old friend that we were dating and she was surprised because she's his friend on Facebook and he doesn't make it known at all. Not having a Facebook myself, I'm not really sure how these things work. Is this something to confront him gently about? Do I have any reason to be upset or am I being unreasonable? I don't think he's a particularly private person, he has a lot of Facebook friends and I don't really feel comfortable if he's regularly talking to girls that don't know he's in a relationship. Thank you.
Author kitschkat Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I also want to note that since it's long distance, I'm not constantly with him at events and we take no photos together... honestly there's no evidence that we've even been dating at all. I just really don't want to be annoying and if I'm being unreasonable, I won't mention it to him because I don't want to give him a hard time. I realize it isn't a big deal, but I feel a little odd.
sillyanswer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I think we need a consolidated Facebook ruined Dating thread. Anyway, it's not an issue unless you make it an issue. People managed LDRs before Facebook (shocking, I know) but if you crave the 'look at me' nature of those things then go for it. It's not a big deal for people in relationships to not have a relationship status on Facebook. I know people in all sorts of relationships from just dating to married who don't list their relationship status. Their friends and family and anyone they want to know about their private lives knows whether they are in a relationship or not. 1
Author kitschkat Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I really don't like the whole "Facebook isn't real life, stop being a silly idiot" thing. I obviously don't cling to Facebook and that's why I've avoided it, but there are still people behind those profile with feelings. He also has photos of him and his ex on Facebook. I don't really understand why people are treated like they're being really stupid and obsessed with social media when this question's asked. I don't have any social media at all.
sillyanswer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I really don't like the whole "Facebook isn't real life, stop being a silly idiot" thing. Sorry about that.
Million.to.1 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Do you have plans to make the relationship NOT long distance? I think that you should talk to him if you are concerned...he might not see it as important, especially as you don't have a facebook yourself. You could always set up a profile for yourself, add him as a friend and then make a relationship request to him. Then he has to accept or ignore it. Then you'll no for sure. No one says you have to use FB all the time, but if this bothers you, then take charge yourself.
amayana Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Well, it seems that it concerns you quite a bit so why not simply tell him about it. If you ask him gently without making a scene I'm sure he'll understand and have an explanation. I understand that it must be awkward to know that he has a picture of him and his exgirlfriend on there. So you should tell him, he's your bf after all. You should be able to talk to him about anything concerning your relationship. Even if you feel like an idiot for having concerns like these. I'm in a LDR myself and we both have FB but we've always left our 'status' blank because it's not important. We know that we're together, our friends know and our families because we told them personally. So why put it on there in the first place? And if some stranger who isn't informed tries to make a move on either of us we'll tell them that we're committed. What's the big deal? I trust my boyfriend and he trusts me. That's what matters. FB should be taken less seriously. Yes, those profiles are made by people with feelings but those profiles shouldn't be taken too seriously. That's what many people seem to have forgotten. 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I think we need a consolidated Facebook ruined Dating thread. Anyway, it's not an issue unless you make it an issue. People managed LDRs before Facebook (shocking, I know) but if you crave the 'look at me' nature of those things then go for it. It's not a big deal for people in relationships to not have a relationship status on Facebook. I know people in all sorts of relationships from just dating to married who don't list their relationship status. Their friends and family and anyone they want to know about their private lives knows whether they are in a relationship or not. they also managed their relationship status without announcing it to the world on facebook. I have been in a relationship and I refuse to list a relationship status.
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I really don't like the whole "Facebook isn't real life, stop being a silly idiot" thing. I obviously don't cling to Facebook and that's why I've avoided it, but there are still people behind those profile with feelings. He also has photos of him and his ex on Facebook. I don't really understand why people are treated like they're being really stupid and obsessed with social media when this question's asked. I don't have any social media at all. I'm not really sure why you are suddenly so defensive if people express their opinions that worrying about relationship status on FB is silly. That's their opinion. Theyre entitled to it. Just because FB gives folk the option of expressing their relationship status it does not mean it is necessary or a reflection of their feelings.
MrCastle Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Have you considered breaking up and being with someone near you who you can actually see in person whenever you want?
Million.to.1 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Have you considered breaking up and being with someone near you who you can actually see in person whenever you want? come on now Mr Castle, don't stir. LDR are no ones ideal. Take that from someone who had 19hr and 13,0000km distance to deal with. We love who we love. Proximity is just an obstacle like anything else. Must say I am VERY glad that the distance is no longer an obstacle for us.
MrCastle Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 come on now Mr Castle, don't stir. LDR are no ones ideal. Take that from someone who had 19hr and 13,0000km distance to deal with. We love who we love. Proximity is just an obstacle like anything else. Must say I am VERY glad that the distance is no longer an obstacle for us. I'm just of the belief that LDR's are relationships in title/theory only, but not in application. I don't say this because "oh well you can't have sex!" -- but the lack of physical presence in general. You can't hug them, or kiss them, or even hold their hands. You can't cozy up on the couch and watch movies together. You can't do anything. It is an emotional torture that is not necessary. I say if you have a situation where you guys are gonna be long distance; take a break. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Life is too short to have a relationship with a cell phone and computer screen. Again, just my opinion. I understand no one openly shoots for a LDR, but they're not doing themselves any favors by sticking around either. 2
Phoe Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Facebook - ugh. Such a source of unhappiness sometimes... I do have one, mostly to keep in touch with extended family, but for quite a while I deactivated it because I was sick of it. I am torn on the issue of "relationship statuses" because while I think it doesn't have to be a big deal (I would certainly never force a man to do it), I have experienced firsthand the burn of having a guy who would not change his status. Found out he'd been cheating on me. The girl he was cheating with had no idea I existed, she said "his facebook said single so I didn't think he had a girlfriend!" - YEAH... I recommend just talking casually about it. Ask him if he'd be willing to just put his status to in a relationship, he should have no reason not to. If he's reluctant... red flag.
Million.to.1 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) I'm just of the belief that LDR's are relationships in title/theory only, but not in application. I don't say this because "oh well you can't have sex!" -- but the lack of physical presence in general. You can't hug them, or kiss them, or even hold their hands. You can't cozy up on the couch and watch movies together. You can't do anything. It is an emotional torture that is not necessary. I say if you have a situation where you guys are gonna be long distance; take a break. "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was." Life is too short to have a relationship with a cell phone and computer screen. Again, just my opinion. I understand no one openly shoots for a LDR, but they're not doing themselves any favors by sticking around either. Sorry , but that is ridiculous. Of course it is emotional torture but it it might well be necessary. I know that your love life consists mainly of short, fun, non committed relationships, so i get that your perspective is limited. You can "next" people pretty easily and aren't making strong emotional connections. But some of us do, and they aren't on purpose and they aren't easily "nexted" just because there is distance. My BF lived in Canada, and has done since we met in 2010. Now he lives with me in NZ and it wasn't a trivial decision to move all this way, but then neither was the idea of not being together. You see? You can't pass judgment on something you actually have no concept of in your own reality. If you fell in love with someone, and wanted to make a life, a family with them, and you had never ever met anybody else before, ever, that you thought you could make it all work out with before, then distance is but a small obstacle that you over come together. .. and for the record, He was free. He come back. Edited July 2, 2013 by Million.to.1 1
MrCastle Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Sorry , but that is ridiculous. Of course it is emotional torture but it it might well be necessary. I know that your love life consists mainly of short, fun, non committed relationships, so i get that your perspective is limited. You can "next" people pretty easily and aren't making strong emotional connections. But some of us do, and they aren't on purpose and they aren't easily "nexted" just because there is distance. My BF lived in Canada, and has done since we met in 2010. Now he lives with me in NZ and it wasn't a trivial decision to move all this way, but then neither was the idea of not being together. You see? You can't pass judgment on something you actually have no concept of in your own reality. If you fell in love with someone, and wanted to make a life, a family with them, and you had never ever met anybody else before, ever, that you thought you could make it all work out with before, then distance is but a small obstacle that you over come together. .. and for the record, He was free. He come back. That's a nice story As I said, I was stating my belief/opinion. No more no less.
somedude81 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Have you considered getting a Facebook yourself and then setting your relationship status to "In a relationship" with him?
Jane2011 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Sorry , but that is ridiculous. Of course it is emotional torture but it it might well be necessary. I know that your love life consists mainly of short, fun, non committed relationships, so i get that your perspective is limited. You can "next" people pretty easily and aren't making strong emotional connections. But some of us do, and they aren't on purpose and they aren't easily "nexted" just because there is distance. My BF lived in Canada, and has done since we met in 2010. Now he lives with me in NZ and it wasn't a trivial decision to move all this way, but then neither was the idea of not being together. You see? You can't pass judgment on something you actually have no concept of in your own reality. If you fell in love with someone, and wanted to make a life, a family with them, and you had never ever met anybody else before, ever, that you thought you could make it all work out with before, then distance is but a small obstacle that you over come together. .. and for the record, He was free. He come back. Agree with this generally. I haven't had a long distance relationship, ever, (and I really don't know if I could deal with it), but I know a lot of people who have, and there are so many variations and reasons for it. Of course people would rather be able to hug and kiss and cuddle every Friday and Saturday night, but plenty of people started off an in-person, same-city couple, but then one gets accepted to grad school somewhere, while the other is still in grad school somewhere else, or has a great job and can't uproot themselves at the time. They make it work because they're really bonded to each other emotionally. Most of the time, at least of the friends I have who have done it, they tough it out because the plan is that it's temporary (6 months to a year). Alternatively, they do a lot of flying and driving to see each other. I think I might be able to do a long distance relationship IF we found a way to travel pretty frequently to see each other. Also, if the other types of contact (phone, text, email) are very frequent also. AND I know it's temporary. I can see how it's especially easy after the honeymoon period. While you're in the honeymoon period, I gather, you really really really crave touching and having sex a lot. But once that is in the past, and it's still great sex but more about deep companionship and a reliable, steady partner, I would think it's a bit more tolerable because you're not *as* hungry for constant touching.
Jane2011 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 To the OP, I'd just ask him to change his status and see what he says. So far, though, I wouldn't say he's done anything to raise suspicion. He's not claimed NOT to be in a relationship in any way, that we know of; he's simply not made his relationship a part of his profile. I've been with my boyfriend for 11 months now, and we are both on Facebook. We didn't put it up as a relationship status until five months in. He asked, and I said I'd be fine with it. But before that, I didn't see myself as "hiding" anything or keeping my relationship on the down-low and trying to talk to other men. I just wasn't indicating anything at all, relationship-wise.
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I really don't like the whole "Facebook isn't real life, stop being a silly idiot" thing. I obviously don't cling to Facebook and that's why I've avoided it, but there are still people behind those profile with feelings. He also has photos of him and his ex on Facebook. I don't really understand why people are treated like they're being really stupid and obsessed with social media when this question's asked. I don't have any social media at all. If what goes down on FB is so important to you, why aren't *you* on FB?
Author kitschkat Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 My whole point is that there's very little sensitivity when the word "Facebook" is brought up because it's taken as a joke. I feel like there's a lot of judgement and limited understanding and empathy. I'm not angry that FB isn't taken seriously enough or something. It's a lot less to do with Facebook and a lot more to do with that whole ideal. Thanks for all the advice. I don't think I'll talk to him about it unless some other reason to be concerned about it comes up. That's reasonable. I honestly wasn't particularly hurt about it, I just wanted some honest opinions as to whether or not it was something to be wary about. Thanks again.
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