whycan'tI Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I am wondering if there is anyone else in this type of situation and if they have been casual with a MM for a long time? Here is my story: I have been sleeping with a MM for almost a year now. I don't think of it as an affair more like a casual situation. I know I should stop but I don't want to. I am not in love we just have a good time once a week. I date other people, have an active social life but just sleep with him. We text funny emails and suggestive stuff often. He is my secret and I am his secret. I am recently divorced from a serial cheater and so I have the prospective of a BS so I do feel bad for the wife but not enough to quit.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 If you're okay with the arrangement, then that is your prerogative. Just a few questions, though: -When you date other people, are they aware that you're not out for anything serious with them, and that you date others, as well? If so, I see no problem with it, as long as you're not leading anyone on. -My other question is, if you aren't emotionally invested in MM, why him? Why not have an FWB relationship with someone single? You've been a BS yourself, and no doubt wondered why the OWs couldn't have sought out someone other than your ex H, right? Just trying to better understand your line of thinking. 2
MissBee Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I'm curious: what brought you to LS? I was involved with committed guys twice. Once I was in love with him and it was a relationship and the other time, I wasn't emotionally attached and it was just sex and we would meet up about once a month or every few months and that was that. He wasn't married and his gf lived in another state, so that probably also added to my decreased feelings of guilt; but, he was out of sight and out of mind for me. I have a hard time relating to people saying they are casual but they seek out forums to talk about this kind of relationship. This isn't a judgment btw...I'm genuinely curious about what's going on when you say it's casual, you don't have an interest in stopping...but you put the situation out there to be dissected or for others to chime in. Why? I wanted to sleep with him and I did...no discussion needed or wanted, esp. since I knew most people wouldn't cheer me on. I wasn't having any emotional conflicts or anything so I did what I did until I stopped doing it. 4
Author whycan'tI Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I am not ready to date seriously. I was married for 10 long years so the thought of commitment scares me. I met him while I was going through my divorce and when I found out he was married it wasn't a big deal because I was married too. I thought it would just be a short term thing but now it has turned long term. I guess what I am looking for by posting is to find someone else who is sleeping with a MM without it being the greatest love story ever. I don't want him to leave his wife for me or any of that. Someone else who has this secret. I was in a sexless marriage and always thought it was because of me and I have learned that I still have "it". Someone who is happy with the situation and it went on long term. 2
Author whycan'tI Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I was just wondering if anyone else was in this situation. It is casual but I am curious if it is common. I did a search and could not find any other posts about casual situations. I figured the OW section best fit since I know he is married. So I guess I am hoping there is a lurker who is reading and is in the same situation. I'm curious: what brought you to LS? I was involved with committed guys twice. Once I was in love with him and it was a relationship and the other time, I wasn't emotionally attached and it was just sex and we would meet up about once a month or every few months and that was that. He wasn't married and his gf lived in another state, so that probably also added to my decreased feelings of guilt; but, he was out of sight and out of mind for me. I have a hard time relating to people saying they are casual but they seek out forums to talk about this kind of relationship. This isn't a judgment btw...I'm genuinely curious about what's going on when you say it's casual, you don't have an interest in stopping...but you put the situation out there to be dissected or for others to chime in. Why? I wanted to sleep with him and I did...no discussion needed or wanted, esp. since I knew most people wouldn't cheer me on. I wasn't having any emotional conflicts or anything so I did what I did until I stopped doing it. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Up until a very short while ago I was a happy (in love) OW, I loved every minute of it mostly, the passion, the chance to really crave eachother after not seeing eachother for awhile, the naughtiness of the charade, the ego boost of him choosing you to "risk it all" with (weather or not you wanted him to), the secret phone calls, the flirty texts, last minute meet-ups, planned romantic nights.... I loved it all, until it started eating at me, I love my MM, but it really is a chaotic relationship. 1
2sure Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Before I married my now XH, I was OW more than once. I had given up on my having a real relationship , had already been divorced. I was focusing on my career and child. I did not have the emotional capacity to offer a real partner, I liked the distance and boundaries that an affair required. So, I wasn't unhappy ...until I was. I became unhappy because having affairs made that "distance" come naturally to me. Eventually I became lonely , not for MM, but just for more real life. Becoming comfortable with infidelity...whether you are OW or BS (and one often leads to other) just isn't a place you want to be. It's that comfort level, it robs you. 7
canuckprincess Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I am not ready to date seriously. I was married for 10 long years so the thought of commitment scares me. I met him while I was going through my divorce and when I found out he was married it wasn't a big deal because I was married too. I thought it would just be a short term thing but now it has turned long term. I guess what I am looking for by posting is to find someone else who is sleeping with a MM without it being the greatest love story ever. I don't want him to leave his wife for me or any of that. Someone else who has this secret. I was in a sexless marriage and always thought it was because of me and I have learned that I still have "it". Someone who is happy with the situation and it went on long term. When I first met my mm 7.5 years ago I was married but working separating. I certainly had no intentions of falling for mm but I did. As long as you don't develop feelings for him then you should be fine.
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 When I first met my mm 7.5 years ago I was married but working separating. I certainly had no intentions of falling for mm but I did. As long as you don't develop feelings for him then you should be fine. But, she will develop feelings. In fact, she already has feelings. She is telling herself she is OK playing the OW role because she is rationalizing. 7
MissBee Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Before I married my now XH, I was OW more than once. I had given up on my having a real relationship , had already been divorced. I was focusing on my career and child. I did not have the emotional capacity to offer a real partner, I liked the distance and boundaries that an affair required. So, I wasn't unhappy ...until I was. I became unhappy because having affairs made that "distance" come naturally to me. Eventually I became lonely , not for MM, but just for more real life. Becoming comfortable with infidelity...whether you are OW or BS (and one often leads to other) just isn't a place you want to be. It's that comfort level, it robs you. Such a good post. We can normalize anything and make anything become acceptable. People do this all the time, and stay in poor situations because they've grown accustomed to it and then no longer register it as a problem. Over time it's like they completely lose the ability to see it for what it is and it's an insidious process. It's true that becoming comfortable with infidelity and that distance becoming natural isn't a place you want to get to. 6
MissBee Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I was just wondering if anyone else was in this situation. It is casual but I am curious if it is common. I did a search and could not find any other posts about casual situations. I figured the OW section best fit since I know he is married. So I guess I am hoping there is a lurker who is reading and is in the same situation. I see. Well I take you at your word that you think it's casual...but I guess for me, I never understood and still don't understand if it's casual why it matters if other people are in the same boat. It is what it is and isn't what it isn't and it shouldn't occupy much head space if it's just a casual, NSA, fling. That's the number one rule of casual and fling in my experience. The danger I see personally is that many OW come here saying they are casual or it was only sex etc...then it's not, then they become attached. From what I've observed, hardly any person genuinely in a casual affair, seeks out a forum to discuss it. Usually those who do, they have more feelings than they themselves even realize and over time the posts go from "I don't want him to leave" to "I didn't expect to fall in love." So my only advice is to keep abreast of your feelings and be honest with yourself and don't allow yourself to slip and slide and fall in love. 6
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I am not ready to date seriously. I was married for 10 long years so the thought of commitment scares me. Understandable. You don't want to jump right into another relationship, only for it to go down the same road as the last. I met him while I was going through my divorce and when I found out he was married it wasn't a big deal because I was married too. I thought it would just be a short term thing but now it has turned long term. Sounds like how it usually goes; seldom did anyone see their affair (whether OM/OW or WS) going further than it did. That still brings me to my question from before, though; if you casually date others, why continue with MM when you can have an uncomplicated FWB partner that's single? Or is it that, since he's married, you are certain it won't turn into a complicated, messy, emotional ordeal? I'm genuinely just curious; in cases of affairs and FWB, there is always the risk of one or both developing feelings. I guess what I am looking for by posting is to find someone else who is sleeping with a MM without it being the greatest love story ever. I don't want him to leave his wife for me or any of that. Someone else who has this secret. I was in a sexless marriage and always thought it was because of me and I have learned that I still have "it". Someone who is happy with the situation and it went on long term. Well, there are certainly those that went long-term on here...but I think you're the first I've come across where no emotions are involved (at least yet) who isn't unhappy with the way things are.
Forever Learning Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I was just wondering if anyone else was in this situation. HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. Seriously. They don't write much about it because it's no biggie to them, it's a sexual pleasure thing (and sometimes friendship thing), not an 'in love' thing. Some people handle that better than others, at different stages in their lives. Before I married my now XH, I was OW more than once. I had given up on my having a real relationship , had already been divorced. I was focusing on my career and child. I did not have the emotional capacity to offer a real partner, I liked the distance and boundaries that an affair required. So, I wasn't unhappy ...until I was. I became unhappy because having affairs made that "distance" come naturally to me. Eventually I became lonely , not for MM, but just for more real life. Becoming comfortable with infidelity...whether you are OW or BS (and one often leads to other) just isn't a place you want to be. It's that comfort level, it robs you. Awesome post! Such a good post. We can normalize anything and make anything become acceptable. People do this all the time, and stay in poor situations because they've grown accustomed to it and then no longer register it as a problem. Over time it's like they completely lose the ability to see it for what it is and it's an insidious process. It's true that becoming comfortable with infidelity and that distance becoming natural isn't a place you want to get to. Awesome post! I see. Well I take you at your word that you think it's casual...but I guess for me, I never understood and still don't understand if it's casual why it matters if other people are in the same boat. It is what it is and isn't what it isn't and it shouldn't occupy much head space if it's just a casual, NSA, fling. That's the number one rule of casual and fling in my experience. The danger I see personally is that many OW come here saying they are casual or it was only sex etc...then it's not, then they become attached. From what I've observed, hardly any person genuinely in a casual affair, seeks out a forum to discuss it. Usually those who do, they have more feelings than they themselves even realize and over time the posts go from "I don't want him to leave" to "I didn't expect to fall in love." So my only advice is to keep abreast of your feelings and be honest with yourself and don't allow yourself to slip and slide and fall in love. Awesome post! Good stuff ladies, I enjoyed all the wisdom off ALL the posted replies on this thread (not just the ones I quoted). You gals are so smart. 1
Author whycan'tI Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 But, she will develop feelings. In fact, she already has feelings. She is telling herself she is OK playing the OW role because she is rationalizing. Sorry I don't have feelings. It's purely sex. I could never speak to him again and be fine. Nothing would change in my life but thanks for thinking you know me. 3
Eggplant Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I guess what I am looking for by posting is to find someone else who is sleeping with a MM without it being the greatest love story ever. I don't want him to leave his wife for me or any of that. Someone else who has this secret. I was in a sexless marriage and always thought it was because of me and I have learned that I still have "it". Someone who is happy with the situation and it went on long term. Why not just find an unattached friends-with-benefits? 4
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Why not just find an unattached friends-with-benefits? I asked that, too. So far, no answer. 2
Author whycan'tI Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Before I married my now XH, I was OW more than once. I had given up on my having a real relationship , had already been divorced. I was focusing on my career and child. I did not have the emotional capacity to offer a real partner, I liked the distance and boundaries that an affair required. So, I wasn't unhappy ...until I was. I became unhappy because having affairs made that "distance" come naturally to me. Eventually I became lonely , not for MM, but just for more real life. Becoming comfortable with infidelity...whether you are OW or BS (and one often leads to other) just isn't a place you want to be. It's that comfort level, it robs you. This is excellent and spot on. This will probably happen but just not now. Thanks for the comment.
Author whycan'tI Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 I asked that, too. So far, no answer. Because we have been doing this for awhile. If I came across an unattached guy then I would take them up but why go through the screening process when my needs are being met.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Because we have been doing this for awhile. If I came across an unattached guy then I would take them up but why go through the screening process when my needs are being met. Didn't you say you date other guys, as well? Or have you just gone on one or two dates with the guys in question? I just figured if you casually dated that one of the others would have filled your MM's position, so to speak. Not criticizing; I was just genuinely curious.
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Sorry I don't have feelings. It's purely sex. I could never speak to him again and be fine. Nothing would change in my life but thanks for thinking you know me. Sex with no feelings or romantic attachment. OK, I thought you were getting close to this guy. I will say famous last words. Many OWs here started just like you. Good luck
Author whycan'tI Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 If you are truly ok with it then, as others have said, it's really not worthy of discussion and while I do understand the desire to find like-minded individuals in some respects, I think your situation is delicate and one which not many would either openly discuss or feel a need to. Your relationship with your MM may evolve into something beyond the casualness which you currently enjoy...or it may not but I'm sure you know there are plenty of OW out there who feel or felt exactly as you currently do based on common sense alone. A quick perusal of these boards would tell you as much. But beyond that, what does one really achieve by proclaiming they are an unrepentant other woman? Not judging or saying you must repent, but once you've had one, two or a hundred other ladies confirm they feel the same, what then? Do you feel even more ok with your situation? This all sounds like the a one way ticket to rationalizationville. I guess this is just a forum for when I develop feelings and have the heartbreak. If 100 women responded that they were in the same situation then I would have 100 women I could ask questions to. Like scheduling issues, level of questions to ask or not ask, I guess I thought this was a support forum for OW but really it is a forum for people trying to not be an OW or getting over a MM. 4
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I guess this is just a forum for when I develop feelings and have the heartbreak. If 100 women responded that they were in the same situation then I would have 100 women I could ask questions to. Like scheduling issues' date=' level of questions to ask or not ask, I guess I thought this was a support forum for OW but really it is a forum for people trying to not be an OW or getting over a MM.[/quote'] I think there is a lot of support here. But, most OWs are not dedicated OWs or concubines. Most OWs here see their role as transitional. If you think you can be a traditional concubine then go for it. There is one lady here that is happy as an OW but she is in love with the MM. 1
SunsetRed Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I understand how you feel. I work 6-7 days a week. I actually work nights because I work the 3-11pm shift. When I was w MM, he fit into my schedule whereas other men I tried to date whined and complained about my schedule. He amused me by sending me sexual/loving/romantic emails and he'd meet me once or twice a week after work for sex and the sex was good and it kept me going and I felt like I had someone. It was on my time off, esp holiday weekends, when it would hit me that I was all alone. Esp when it was made clear to me that I couldn't call or text and I knew he was w his family and that work schedule I had had kept me from meeting other guys that I could hang with. So, yes I see your point, but one day you are going to realize that this MM has kept you tied to him in a way that keeps you from having something better.
Steadfast Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Becoming comfortable with infidelity...whether you are OW or BS (and one often leads to other) just isn't a place you want to be. It's that comfort level, it robs you. You express difficult emotions so well 2sure. No one here does it better. So yes; it takes away something critical to be whole. And at some point, you're going to want that. I'd rather be brokenhearted than hardhearted. No matter what, this stuff always circles back around. Aim higher OP. 2
Got it Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I guess this is just a forum for when I develop feelings and have the heartbreak. If 100 women responded that they were in the same situation then I would have 100 women I could ask questions to. Like scheduling issues' date=' level of questions to ask or not ask, I guess I thought this was a support forum for OW but really it is a forum for people trying to not be an OW or getting over a MM.[/quote'] Whycan'tI - If it works today than it works today. It sounds like you have a very pragmatic approach to it. It sounds like he is really a means to an end, make sure that you are focusing on yourself, working through your past hurts and patterns, and setting yourself up for success for the future. Maybe this isn't the best relationship for you, maybe it is. It will all come to light in over time. It sounds like you are taking what you need from it and when you are ready to move on you will. They say that some people come into our lives for a day, a season or a lifetime. This relationships value may be what you glean from it for a day or a season and just isn't a lifetime one. 2
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