LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 So yesterday, an hour before my MM was set to arrive to come get me, he says oh sorry, this and that's happening, and I cant come, so instead we texted awhile then bedtime... I had nightmares all night about what my subconscious figured he was up to, and that was horrible. I decided in the morning for today to be day 1 of NC and I literally feel like i need a straight jacket to resist texting him, wow its tougher than i thought Like I tried getting out of the house and still its all i could think about, is him, he's probably have a great day today and i'm barely hanging on, lately hard times and i need to chat its him i go to,, so now that NC is hopefully in place i feel lost. YUK! 2
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I decided on NC not because he changed his plans, but because I need to get my life back, i feel like it was amazing, and now its been hanging on for the past month or so 2
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 And i didnt send him a NC email/call/ or text, so i know i have to respectfully and clearly mark the finish line. I'm afraid if i do, then its all over, like it never happened.... some reason i cant wrap my mind around the loss that would make me feel, the open book hurts but its comfortimg. 2
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Whether you clearly state NC to him or not, stick to your guns. If he contacts you, ignore him. Remind yourself that you're doing this for your own well-being, your own peace of mind. You miss him, and that too, is understandable. Stay strong, stay positive, allow yourself to grieve so that you can heal, and keep yourself busy with other activities and interests. Weren't you trying your hand at casual dating in one of your other threads, or am I thinking of someone else? If not, don't jump into anything too soon (while you're still grieving) but feel free to go on casual dates; as long as you're honest with whomever those dates are with that you're not looking for anything serious, it's all good. Keep your chin up; it's going to be rough for awhile. You'll have good days, where you feel like you can do anything, and you'll have days where you don't know how you'll survive-but you will survive, and you will be a stronger person for all of this.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 yes the fact he has a house key is something i've never considered. I was wondering if me starting NC would make him want more and start aggresive contact, or just quietly sneak out and be happy with what we shared. I'm sure all of that would depend on if what he was telling me about his marraige was true or not..... It was only 2 days ago he said he really needed me and i was his lucky charm, and he tells me he loves me and how grateful he is i'm in his life, but it all comes back to the crumb trail..... thats the reality of the A! 1
Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Hang in there. I am two weeks in and each and every day is difficult. I just want the hurting to stop, and I know it will in time. Just know that you have done the right thing. I keep telling myself that me contacting him won't really make me feel better, it will put a bandaid on an open gushing wound. Hugs to you. You are stronger and better than him.
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 So yesterday, an hour before my MM was set to arrive to come get me, he says oh sorry, this and that's happening, and I cant come, so instead we texted awhile then bedtime... I had nightmares all night about what my subconscious figured he was up to, and that was horrible. I decided in the morning for today to be day 1 of NC and I literally feel like i need a straight jacket to resist texting him, wow its tougher than i thought Like I tried getting out of the house and still its all i could think about, is him, he's probably have a great day today and i'm barely hanging on, lately hard times and i need to chat its him i go to,, so now that NC is hopefully in place i feel lost. YUK! So, you are going NC without telling him? Just cut off all contact? If this is the case, then hold yourself to this and change your cell number tomorrow and your email address immediately. Going NC with someone without telling them, leaves the door open a crack that you could easily change your mind in a week, or a month and pick up where you left off without him knowing that you did actually intend NC to happen. Hope this makes sense.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I think my decision to go NC is quasi related to the change of plans, because that spurred a night of nightmares which made me decide i cant do this anymore, the man I'm in love with and claims to be in love with me goes home to a woman who he claims he's grossed out by, isn't in love with, is not even the slightest intimate with, blah blah freakin blah. With that in perspective who the hell can i be to him?! And i understand the whole kids thing, but only to a degree, a small degree. My A bubble is suffocating me...
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 yes the fact he has a house key is something i've never considered. I was wondering if me starting NC would make him want more and start aggresive contact, or just quietly sneak out and be happy with what we shared. I'm sure all of that would depend on if what he was telling me about his marraige was true or not..... It was only 2 days ago he said he really needed me and i was his lucky charm, and he tells me he loves me and how grateful he is i'm in his life, but it all comes back to the crumb trail..... thats the reality of the A! On some level this is like a game, whether you're intending it to be or not, he will think that, especially since you say he has your house key. So either ask for the key back or change the locks. I would go with the latter, because he could just make a copy of the key and not tell you. Don't be afraid to totally end it. Your A is over and has been for a while, just seems like both of you have been hanging on for various reasons and the damage is being done because neither of you are making it totally over. You might actually feel some relief by ending it and telling him to please respect your wishes to go NC. Wish him well but make sure he understands how things are now is much worse than walking away..Ending it totally sets you free of all these continuous bad feelings and pain. The pain you WILL feel is final, but that's good because it paves the road to grieving the loss and really letting go. Cry and cry, cry some more, but that pain is final and will go away in time once you heal. Life will be better and healthier for you in the long run. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I think my decision to go NC is quasi related to the change of plans, because that spurred a night of nightmares which made me decide i cant do this anymore, the man I'm in love with and claims to be in love with me goes home to a woman who he claims he's grossed out by, isn't in love with, is not even the slightest intimate with, blah blah freakin blah. With that in perspective who the hell can i be to him?! And i understand the whole kids thing, but only to a degree, a small degree. My A bubble is suffocating me... Sorry to say this but you asked. It makes you the OW. He may love you a lot, care about you a lot too, but he knows it's not going any further, it is what it is. An affair. He can easily live two lives -- He IS living two lives and both you and his wife fulfill all his needs. why give up one woman when he has two? To you, he is more much than just the MM and someone you're having an A with. You want more, you don't want to share him, you want all his attention, you want to be his first priority and be important in his life all the time, not just on his time frame and when he can make some time for you on his terms. This is YOUR decision now, so weigh your options. Stay the OW and accept the A as it is, be happy and make peace with it, enjoy the A for what it is. OR, you can say enough is enough and walk away because you deserve better and are so sick of hurting and sharing him. 6
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 first day withdrawls are beyond what i had imagine/ prepared for. If I can get through this, I can probably do anything. I wanna hit reply on my cell phone and text so bad its KILLING me, but i almost got through day 1, Wow 2
happy stillmore Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I am just over one week NC and I'm struggling too. In my heart I know it is the right thing to do but the emotions I have range from loneliness, anxiety and anger. I ended it because I didn't see him standing up for us to his wife. I'm in a marriage where my husband knows about MM (our marriage is over but we are living together for financial reasons for our children for a year or two more). I can be free to see MM but his wife hovers over him and didn't let him text or leave the house alone! (She knows about me). MM would complain about how depressed he was on the weekends. Said he felt like he was captive, etc. I kept telling him to stand up for himself but he couldn't (or wouldn't) he has three girls (youngest age 19) who he desperately wants to win back their love. They are angry with him for the affair. His wife makes him feel guilty and afraid he will lose the family if he moves out. Also, he makes 30k and she makes 90k/year. Wife would not be able to pay the mortgage without his income so he can't move out now. My thinking is if he is there for financial reasons, he should be able to do what he wants but that isn't how it is with the wife controlling him. I started the NC because I felt like I was being strung along and if he had truly loved me, he would have stood up to her, or worked two jobs to be out of the house, whatever. But, no, he watched tv on the weekends while his wife doted on him. She seriously treats him like she is his mother. She has left me voicemails saying she hates herself, afraid to be alone, nobody can take care of him like I do, blah blah. I know I sound heartless. Strange for her to do that to me, the OW. Made me feel guilty. (Easy to do in this situation) Anyway, I seem to be talking about me, me, me. I am letting you know there are others in your situation who feel like you do. The times together were incredible as you probably know with your MM. I know in my heart he loves me BUT I have come to see him as a wimp. That is how I am trying to get my mind over him. I didn't want to share him either. I wanted him to make the decision. He obviously chose the easy road which hurts. It makes me question whether he truly loved me. He said in a recent text that he cries when he thinks about hurting me and he wanted our dreams to come true but couldn't do it (leave his family). Yeah yeah, what good does that do for me. My hopes and dreams were shot and my heart severely broken. Just remind yourself, you deserve more than being treated as second place. You deserve full-time love. If a man loves you, he will do ANYTHING for you. Be strong. Learn from this. I saw myself in your post. You were basing your happiness and future with him. I hope we both learn to find happiness on our own. We shouldn't depend on someone else to make us happy. You can bet that the next time I open my heart like this, I will be free to love (I will be divorced) a man who is also available. No more of this MM crap. I can't believe I ever found myself in this position but we were both lonely people who connected on a deep level. I know he doesn't share this connection with his wife. My secret thought is that he will regret being a spineless jellyfish down the road. (Wishful thinking). You deserve 100% love. Please don't settle. 2
Goodbye Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 first day withdrawls are beyond what i had imagine/ prepared for. If I can get through this, I can probably do anything. I wanna hit reply on my cell phone and text so bad its KILLING me, but i almost got through day 1, Wow Hang in there lilGirl...know how you feel. Try to keep yourself distracted.
Realist3 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I decided on NC not because he changed his plans, but because I need to get my life back, i feel like it was amazing, and now its been hanging on for the past month or so I think you are so confused that you don't know really what you want. Later in this thread you admitted it was because he changed plans. I don't fault you for being confused and wanting your life back, but as Whichwayisup stated this is a game at this point. Maybe you aren't cut out to be an OW, and if that is the case stick with not seeing him anymore. Right now it is just a bunch of waffling. 2
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I think you are so confused that you don't know really what you want. Later in this thread you admitted it was because he changed plans. I don't fault you for being confused and wanting your life back, but as Whichwayisup stated this is a game at this point. Maybe you aren't cut out to be an OW, and if that is the case stick with not seeing him anymore. Right now it is just a bunch of waffling. I agree, this is just a game. In fact, OP probably hopes the MM gets more interested. That is the real purpose of this so-called NC. 1
thecharade Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 It's hard for me to even articulate how difficult it is to end things with someone you love. It is very unnatural. If he/she were abusing you in an obvious way, it would be so much easier to leave, but this A 'love' is simply a mind *uck that prevents you knowing up from down or left from right. "I love you more than air, but I have to stay married because of ______." Say WHAT?! You want to end things because the covert abuse you are suffering feels hurtful and disrespectful. Makes total sense, especially as time goes on. But the thing that really boggles my mind is that, if your MM is anything like my xMM, he's HAPPY with this set up! Satisfied! The A is not a phase for him, it is a solution! I will never, ever get it, but once I fully accepted that his goal was to keep me happy . . . in the A, I found the strength to "hurt him" and save myself. You will, too. Your MM will most likely chase you, but you must force yourself to see that this A is his ideal, no matter what he says. He sees his M as a life sentence of obligation and responsibility, and he won't leave it. You are not NC, you are breaking up. Giving him up. Abandoning an unrealistic dream. And the loss + rejection + abandonment + anger = pain! I thought of nothing else! I went into a deep depression and got a counselor, but I saved myself and remembered how to take care of myself. And you can, too. He may really love you, but his brand of love is crap. Let yourself get over him and believe there is better because there is. 4
Pierre Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 He may really love you, but his brand of love is crap. Let yourself get over him and believe there is better because there is. AKA as love in the affair bubble.
BruisedBNBroken Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 One of the greatest posts I've read anywhere in a long time. Puts it all in perspective and helps keep No Contact going, no matter what side of it you are on. Thank you Forum_Lurker.
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 One of the greatest posts I've read anywhere in a long time. Puts it all in perspective and helps keep No Contact going, no matter what side of it you are on. Thank you Forum_Lurker. Agree! That post reply should be put on it's own with a new thread title and pinned at the top of the forum. 1
Owl Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 If you're going NC...then the A is over. If you can't view this as being the end of the A...then you're not going NC, and as previously stated, it's a game intended to garner his attention. So...my advice to you is either end it...or don't. But don't do one and pretend/act/think its the other. Not healthy for you, him, anyone. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 first day withdrawls are beyond what i had imagine/ prepared for. If I can get through this, I can probably do anything. I wanna hit reply on my cell phone and text so bad its KILLING me, but i almost got through day 1, Wow But this is all based on a false pretense. He has no idea NC is in place and that the A is over. That's your 'out' so to speak. If you can't handle NC and cave, or if he contacts you, you can easily pick up where you left off with him and he'll have no idea that you were doing NC and ended the A. Sorry but you're lying to yourself if you believe NC will stick and the A is completely over. I say just tell him it's over and disappear from his life so you can really grieve and begin to heal, start your life over again without him in it. 3
MMY Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I will get pounded for this statment but I was the omm and my exAP up and went NC on me. I had an idea why but it was BAMM!!!. I think if he RESPECTS you as a friend and you tell him it is oveer then he would understand your request to give your key back and honor your NC. Deep down I know we couldnt keep up the pace we were going and I am glad she had more guts than me cause I probably would have ended my M and be miserable in the end. Wish you the best.
chickenlicken Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I agree that you should tell him that it's over. And chances are, he won't respect your wishes and he'll continue to contact you...this sucks. I just ended my affair too, and it's so hard. In the long run it's so much better. Every time you feel weak, call a friend, make a post here...let it be over so you can get down to the business of feeling better. 2
happy stillmore Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 You are so correct. Duh me. He is riding the gravy boat.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 I agree, this is just a game. In fact, OP probably hopes the MM gets more interested. That is the real purpose of this so-called NC. Pierre, I think you were right I'm gonna humble myself and say it.... Yes, I want a normal life again, but I caved and replied to a sweet text I received and even went as far to run errands for him the next day, I just cant stop loving him, or being obsessed with him, or addicted to him, whichever it is.... I cant stop I apologize to the LS as a whole for all the effort and great advice you gave me in my half ass/no ass attempt to go NC, I'm sure your wisdom and support could have been used in many other threads, cause as I started this thread hoping this is it, it didnt take long until I was "under his spell" again and back to full contact..... actually as predicted he contacted me more than ever since I tried NC, and yes I hang my head in shame and admit I loved every minute of it. I am the OW...
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