Violated NC Rule, What Now?

[NotWaitingAround]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call load of crap on this a little bit. Of course people want a relationship to add something fun and positive to their life. I agree with you there. However, everyone goes through tough times. Maybe not the same tough time and maybe not in the same way, but someone truly valuable and special; is that person who can endure right with you during your tough time. The person who can have the empathy and compassion to understand what you're going through and see you through to the other side of whatever you're going through. People who are there when the going is good? People who are there when it's all fun and laughs? Shoot, that's easy to find!! Someone who is mature enough to accept and embrace you when you're going through difficult times in your life is truly valuable and indispensable.

 

This happens to be my perspective as well, since I've been on both sides of the equation at this point in my life. In one of the first messages I sent my ex-partner when she decided to leave, I said almost exactly what you've written here. I wrote that being with someone when everything is going smoothly and life is good is the easy part, but standing by someone during tough times, encouraging and lifting up the person who is hurting is the mark of a strong character and a strong relationship.

 

Regarding my situation specifically, I was depressed for around 7 months, and only severely so for around a month. During most of this time I conducted my life normally, I was still working my butt off to start a business, I maintained a strict weight training and diet program, and I was also studying to become a certified strength coach. It never got to the point where I was crashed out in bed all day, crying constantly, saying "woe is me" or any of that nonsense, nor did I ever take out any of my frustrations on her. I was often very negative about my life and my financial situation, it was often difficult to get up and get motivated every morning, and for a few months I did forget to do the small things I should have done to let her know she was special to me. I forgot how to laugh and have fun and how to be silly sometimes.

 

To my credit though, I never became verbally abusive in any way, I didn't blame her or ask her to carry my emotional load or support me financially, and I didn't drown my sorrows in alcohol or drugs. I worked to drag myself out of that hole, and right as I was reaching the exit, she bolted. Only then did I get a little ridiculously emotional, first anger which I expressed to her, and then a deep remorse for that anger, but it wasn't like I started calling her 20 times a day or was stalking her at her workplace or any of those other crazy things some guys do.

 

I had supported her through several periods of her depression, helped her in numerous ways and never held it over her head like she owed me something, but then she failed to return the favor by showing a little bit of strength when I needed it. I figure now I just don't need someone like that, but I was hoping she would grow up a little bit and realize that she just abandoned the relationship because things weren't flowers and butterflies and pixie dust for a little while. She hasn't been single since she was 18, so I think she has a lot of self-discovery to do and I hope she does it, even though she's not going to be in my life anymore. If she doesn't and just goes right into another relationship, which I kind of expect her to do, she's just going to do the same thing again when that one hits a rough spot for a few months. Unfortunately, she's also surrounded by family and friends who encourage her to be weak like that and don't let her know hard truths about life, so I seriously doubt she'll make that step into self-discovery.

Edited July 2, 2013 by NotWaitingAround

[NotWaitingAround]

She might be negative, but a lot of it is likely on the money. For as much as we all like to think that our personal situations are unique, the truth is that they normally play out the same.

 

She's also telling you what you need to hear. Even if it's not completely accurate, it's better for you in general to take the approach that it is over and work on moving forward. By doing that, you'll be able to truly work on yourself and put your best foot forward in the future. And there's no way you've changed in a month. No one does.

 

I think you underestimate some people's ability to turn things around psychologically. I've been involved in health and fitness for over a decade and I've watched horribly obese, clinically depressed individuals make radical changes to their entire lives in a very short period of time. With the correct guidance and support people can, and do, make major changes to their lives rather quickly. I know because it has been part of my job to help people in those situations make those radical changes. Just because you've never experienced it or witnessed it, does not by any means indicate that it never happens.

 

Like I said, I wasn't a drug addicted, bed-ridden basket-case during my depression. I was very negative and had forgotten how to laugh, etc. I've changed those aspects of my personality as well as experienced major financial success in the past 6 weeks or so. I was already making progress toward changing before she ended the relationship, so it hasn't been just a month. So, think what you want, but I know I've changed myself rather significantly in the past couple of months because of my own actions and determination.

 

I think some of you who are claiming things like "you can't change in a month, no one does" or "you're lying to yourself," need to look into abundance vs. scarcity psychology. You might learn something new. Just a suggestion.

Edited July 2, 2013 by NotWaitingAround

[NotWaitingAround]

I wrote above that "I didn't blame her or ask her to carry my emotional load."

 

I know of course that even though I didn't ask her to carry it, that inevitably she did for a time. You can't be with someone who is depressed and avoid it entirely, and I know that. But instead of trying to lift me up and giving me some support on her own volition, she started to avoid me and she avoided dealing with my negativity as much as possible.

 

Sorry, I'm just adding insights as they come to me while I'm sitting here working, but I think something that has really helped me get over the despair so quickly is that I've actively worked to dispel it from my thoughts. I've done this in numerous ways. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the explosive feeling that comes early on in the breakup. I've seen many people advise others to go out and relax, take a shower, eat a tub of ice cream or a big sloppy cheese burger, take a walk or other things like that, and I think that for many people, this is exactly the wrong course of action to take. I know for a fact that doing things like eating unhealthy foods is very similar to taking drugs, and have very similar chemical effects within the brain. Since we all know taking drugs is not the way to get over this sort of thing, why would you go out and eat a bunch of junk in an attempt to feel better?

 

When I felt like I would explode if I didn't speak to her, I went out and found an old tire, grabbed a barbell, and I went into my back yard and exploded on it. I beat the hell out of that tire for about 15 minutes while listening to some aggressive music. After doing that for a couple nights, I didn't feel like exploding anymore. I also continued my weight training program as usual, wrote many pages in my journal, ate healthy foods instead of binging on junk, meditated and consciously made an effort to focus on other thoughts. I also drove out into an unpopulated area near my city and I yelled my head off for a while.

 

I know that many people have a tendency to just sit around and do nothing in their misery, drink a load of wine, eat unhealthy foods, and avoid any real significant emotional release. If so, it's no wonder it takes some people months and months to move out of that state of despair, because in actuality they're doing nothing significant to release it.

Edited July 2, 2013 by NotWaitingAround

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you underestimate some people's ability to turn things around psychologically. I've been involved in health and fitness for over a decade and I've watched horribly obese, clinically depressed individuals make radical changes to their entire lives in a very short period of time. With the correct guidance and support people can, and do, make major changes to their lives rather quickly. I know because it has been part of my job to help people in those situations make those radical changes. Just because you've never experienced it or witnessed it, does not by any means indicate that it never happens.

 

Like I said, I wasn't a drug addicted, bed-ridden basket-case during my depression. I was very negative and had forgotten how to laugh, etc. I've changed those aspects of my personality as well as experienced major financial success in the past 6 weeks or so. I was already making progress toward changing before she ended the relationship, so it hasn't been just a month. So, think what you want, but I know I've changed myself rather significantly in the past couple of months because of my own actions and determination.

 

I think some of you who are claiming things like "you can't change in a month, no one does" or "you're lying to yourself," need to look into abundance vs. scarcity psychology. You might learn something new. Just a suggestion.

 

I was a psychology major in college, so I've seen and studied plenty of it, including abundance vs. scarcity psychology. So nice try.

 

There's a difference between temporary change and long-lasting, permanent change. You aren't there yet. There's nothing wrong with that at all, but people declare that they've "changed" all the time, only to fall back into previous patterns once the heat is off. I'm sure you've made great strides, but it takes more than a month to do this stuff.

 

Either way, stop being so darn defensive. We are all trying to help, and in a lot of that help you'll hear things that you don't want to hear, which is a heck of a lot more valuable than everyone coddling you. Nothing you said changes my thoughts one iota -- it's better for you in general, both in dealing with your ex and dealing with relationships with other women that you'll meet, to treat this relationship as done and move forward from it. Keep working on yourself without her for a few more months and then re-evaluate. But now is not the time.

[BC1980]

As far as the relationship goes, it matters if she thinks you have changed. It takes more than one month to prove that to someone.

[hoping2heal]

Sorry but life doesnt always work with that kind of happy ending.

 

Its been too many times on here that people have stuck by depressed or mentally unstable people for quite a while, only to be deliberately pushed away by the depressed SO. When youre in a relationship with someone like that, and they are not trying to make their way out of the hole, you never know when they might snap out of it, or bring you down with them. You can only be a rock for so long. At some point it kills the total attraction and you have to save yourself.

 

Depressed and mentally unstable are apples and oranges. If someone is mentally unstable and refusing to seek treatment/medication and is a danger to both you and themselves that's a bit different than someone with depression so you can't lump both in the same boat. I think there's a limit to every and anything and you have to use good judgement to the best of your ability. 7 months is a pretty short time in the scheme of things especially compared to 5 solid years together. There are of course exceptions but come on.