Violated NC Rule, What Now?

[NotWaitingAround]

Here's the deal. I'm 31, she's 27. After a really good, loving, and caring 5 year relationship, I lost my job due to factors beyond my control, became severely depressed and negative. This lasted for about 7 months, and during that time my partner (more than a girlfriend, we had made a verbal agreement similar to marriage) slowly pulled away from me because of my depression. I knew it was having an effect on our relationship, but she never wanted to talk about it and said she just needed some space. Right as I was seeing the light at the end of the depression tunnel and launched my business, she visited me one day and said that even though she still loved me, that the love had diminished, that she wanted time away from me, but that we could eventually be friends.

 

Instead of being reasonable and giving her that space, I freaked out, had an emotional meltdown because of all the combined stress of the lingering depression, starting a new business from scratch, having very little money, and then her jumping ship. I got angry, sent her a few messages, some of which were rather harsh. She responded by saying she was happy that I was no longer in her life, that she would like for me to leave her alone. I quickly realized I had hurt her feelings, and in my grief and remorse I sent a couple very sappy e-mails apologizing for what I had said and acknowledging that my depression and negativity were making her unhappy, and apologizing for that as well. They were very emotional and a little overly dramatic. In these emails I also admitted to many of the aspects of my personality I knew were harming the relationship, and I pretty much manned up to all of it and assumed responsibility for causing her to stop loving me as much as she once did. She let me know she read one of the emails, and that was the last time she communicated with me. I also asked her to block me on Facebook so I couldn't look at her photos, but of course in my sadness I made a stalker account for a couple days, just in time to see her remove all traces of me from her profile photos. That stalker account no longer exists.

 

The last email I sent was a month ago. I'm over my depression and I've changed my negative personality, learned to not be such a serious uptight person, and my business is taking off like a flippin' rocket. I'm also over the initial grief of losing her and I don't need her in my life, but I would still like to at least try to get her back if possible, at the very least as a friend, because we were really good together before I hit rock bottom. I've made a huge improvement to my appearance, got a tan, added 5 pounds of muscle to an already fit body, I'm filling my bank account like a boss, I'm about to buy a car and upgrade my living space. All in all, things are going very well for me.

 

Edit: I should also add that I never directed my negativity toward her specifically, and I had actually been very supportive of her when she had gone through a similar situation, when she was depressed about her self-image (even though she's smoking hot) as well as not being able to get into grad school. I think that had a lot to do with why I got angry at first, because I had suffered and was unhappy when she was depressed but I helped her through it, but when I became depressed for a time, she took off and ended the relationship.

 

I know I can't contact her for a while, probably a couple months, but I would like some input from others who have been through something similar on either side of the equation. Do you think I destroyed any chance of creating a new relationship with her by sending her those emails after she told me not to contact her? Is there anything I can do to improve my position, other than just not contacting her? Or should I just wait a couple months and try to rekindle a friendship, and then move from there? Are the self-improvements and personality changes going to be enough? Is there anything else I can do to improve my chances? I'm not desperate by any means, but she's a really cool lady so I'd like to at least make the attempt to start over with her. Any input and advice is greatly appreciated. Peace.

Edited July 1, 2013 by NotWaitingAround

[hoping2heal]

Congratulations on your new found success both personally and financially. I don't doubt she was a cool lady and I know you care about her. 7 months of depression must have been no doubt difficult for her to go through but after 5 years she takes off during a rough time and that's pretty telling. She might be impressed by you now that things are going good but she's already proven she won't stick through the mud with you when things aren't so good. You sure you really want to go knocking on that door again?

[forgetmenot75]

Hey there!

 

Answering your questions:

 

Do you think I destroyed any chance of creating a new relationship with her by sending her those emails after she told me not to contact her?

 

I think this was over long before you sent the emails.

 

Is there anything I can do to improve my position, other than just not contacting her? no

 

Or should I just wait a couple months and try to rekindle a friendship, and then move from there? I don't think so

 

Are the self-improvements and personality changes going to be enough?

 

I seriously doubt you've overcome depression in one month, I do think you're trying to convince yourself you're a new person. you're basically the same.

 

Is there anything else I can do to improve my chances? You have no chances whatsoever with her.

 

I'm not desperate by any means, I think you are.

 

but she's a really cool lady so I'd like to at least make the attempt to start over with her. Any input and advice is greatly appreciated. Peace.

you want a relationship with her. I don't think this is going to happen. She dumped you, she asked you to stop contacting her, she deleted you from Facebook and from her life. You should move on. stay No contact. No one makes amazing changes in one month. Stop lying to yourself.

 

I'm not saying you're not recovered from depression. I honestly think you should grieve the lost relationship and move on. eventually, you'll be OK.

 

Sorry if I'm harsh on you. I'm also overcoming depression, and know how hard it is

Edited July 1, 2013 by forgetmenot75

[NotWaitingAround]

Wow, you're a judgmental one, aren't you? And I thought I was negative... That's ok, I have a pretty thick skin. I'm a very resilient guy and despite what you've assumed you think you know about me and my ex-partner and our relationship, you are quite incorrect. Funny that you say all these things, because it's practically the exact opposite of what I've been told by a professional relationship coach. I'm really just on here to get a sense of others' similar personal experiences, which is what I asked for if you'll re-read my post. I didn't ask for a bunch of negative judgmental one liners. Thanks anyway, but I'd appreciate it if you refrained from giving me any more of your "advice."

[NotWaitingAround]

Congratulations on your new found success both personally and financially. I don't doubt she was a cool lady and I know you care about her. 7 months of depression must have been no doubt difficult for her to go through but after 5 years she takes off during a rough time and that's pretty telling. She might be impressed by you now that things are going good but she's already proven she won't stick through the mud with you when things aren't so good. You sure you really want to go knocking on that door again?

 

This had been on my mind, that she left when things got rough instead of standing by me like I did for her. I do think that if she gave me a chance to talk with her about it, she would probably admit it was a rather weak thing to do to me, especially after we had made such a commitment to each other. Definitely something to consider a little more, that's for sure. Thanks.

[forgetmenot75]

I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear

[NotWaitingAround]

I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear

 

It's ok, I think you just need to tone it down a bit and not assume so much. You seem to have a bit of a negativity problem yourself. Claiming that you think it was over before I sent the emails is very presumptuous, and there's really no way for you to make that determination from the information I provided. Also, I'm a firm believer in the fact that people do change and there are plenty of examples if you look for them.

[Eddie Edirol]

Heres the real deal IMO. She wants a relationship, and now, you are the model of a relationship that she wants to avoid. She is probably looking for someone new, if she hasnt already found him, and She wont start looking in your direction until she's had a few relationships that have hit the skids. At that time if she does, youre in a good place because of how youve succeeded with your life in general. Right now, she will only see you as the depressed guy that is looking to pester her well after she has lost romantic interest. So you cant do anything directly.

 

What you can do is look for someone new. There are hotter possibly more compatible women out there that you can start fresh with, that didnt have to witness your depression. Dont try to keep a friendship with your ex, that is over and it should be. Even if you succeeded in getting her to answer you, she would probably stop once she found someone new, because most guys dont take too kindly to their gf's talking to their exes.

 

Maybr brag on your facebook about your success, and eventually word will get around to her and she will catch the vapors. She will catch the vapors and might get intrigued because at that point, you arent contacting her, and she will think that you dont or never needed her. Then she will have to work for your heart again. But dont make all your changes just to win her back, you cant say anything to do it if she doesnt want it, which she wont, at least for a year of unsuccessful relationships.

[whichwayisup]

This lasted for about 7 months, and during that time my partner (more than a girlfriend, we had made a verbal agreement similar to marriage) slowly pulled away from me because of my depression. I knew it was having an effect on our relationship, but she never wanted to talk about it and said she just needed some space.

 

Before things turned south and really got bad, she bailed on you. You reacted to how she handled your depression. Instead of her supporting you, helping you get help to deal with your depression, standing by your side and having your back, she balked and backed off -- Distanced herself, leaving you hurting and confused. Even though her words were I love you etc, her actions showed you otherwise.

 

Some people cannot handle depression or any serious bump in the road. She didn't communicate with you from the get - go and i can understand why you reacted and felt emotional, freaking out due to your frame of mind at the time and also her giving you mixed messages.

 

Honestly, this is a blessing in disguise! You're well now and have realized some mistakes that you made and have learned from them. Take this time to continue to work on you and enjoy life.

 

If she comes back, you may realize you won't want her in the same way you used to. Because you've changed and may need a woman who will always have your back and not run away from problems and have not so good communication skills.

 

Stay strong and I'm glad you're feeling better.

[forgetmenot75]

"she visited me one day and said that even though she still loved me, that the love had diminished, that she wanted time away from me, but that we could eventually be friends"

 

she was asking you time long before you sent the emails. How do you know she was not seeing someone else at that time?

 

I am a also a believer that people do change, but I also think one month is not enough time to process a breakup.

I'm sorry if I sounded negative. I'll change my answer to you:

 

If you truly believe you love her, and you want to be with her despite she left you in a very critical moment of your life, you can still try to regain her love.

She dumped you, though, so its she the one who should contact you first.

Anyway, I wish you good luck, and again, sorry if I sounded negative.

[hoping2heal]

I have to agree with whichwayisup. Fair weather friends or lovers are really not worth investing in.

[NotWaitingAround]

Heres the real deal IMO. She wants a relationship, and now, you are the model of a relationship that she wants to avoid. She is probably looking for someone new, if she hasnt already found him, and She wont start looking in your direction until she's had a few relationships that have hit the skids. At that time if she does, youre in a good place because of how youve succeeded with your life in general. Right now, she will only see you as the depressed guy that is looking to pester her well after she has lost romantic interest. So you cant do anything directly.

 

What you can do is look for someone new. There are hotter possibly more compatible women out there that you can start fresh with, that didnt have to witness your depression. Dont try to keep a friendship with your ex, that is over and it should be. Even if you succeeded in getting her to answer you, she would probably stop once she found someone new, because most guys dont take too kindly to their gf's talking to their exes.

 

Maybr brag on your facebook about your success, and eventually word will get around to her and she will catch the vapors. She will catch the vapors and might get intrigued because at that point, you arent contacting her, and she will think that you dont or never needed her. Then she will have to work for your heart again. But dont make all your changes just to win her back, you cant say anything to do it if she doesnt want it, which she wont, at least for a year of unsuccessful relationships.

 

You pretty much summed up my main concern, that she sees me as the depressed guy. She also made it very clear to me that she just wanted to be single for a while, that she didn't want to be pursued by anyone, but of course there's no way to tell if that's the truth or not or if she'll keep to it. Either way it's not my business now that we're not together. I'm not making these changes to win her back though; I was already making some of them when we were still together, and some of them I'm changing as a result of the break-up.

[whichwayisup]

You're an insightful guy and you're gonna be fine. Her loss! It really is..

[thefooloftheyear]

Bottom line.

 

People who are truly invested and love each other dearly do not abandon one another in time of need. They support and work to build you back up. Sure, if you told me you were in a 3 year funk and she got tired of miring in your depression, then maybe I buy it..

 

But only a few months?

 

Sounds like she was just using this time as an excuse to bail out on the r.

 

In the futurem if you ever get dropped on your head again, maintain your dignity and go about it in a calm manner. Getting hysterical never got anyone anywhere and it looks worse on a guy then it does on a woman..

 

my .02

 

TFY

[Eddie Edirol]

You pretty much summed up my main concern, that she sees me as the depressed guy. She also made it very clear to me that she just wanted to be single for a while, that she didn't want to be pursued by anyone, but of course there's no way to tell if that's the truth or not or if she'll keep to it. Either way it's not my business now that we're not together. I'm not making these changes to win her back though; I was already making some of them when we were still together, and some of them I'm changing as a result of the break-up.

 

Ive heard that in real life and seen it tons of times here, and its always BS. Most people just dont want to deal with the fallout of "Im done with you and Im going to date other people, in fact Im dating someone now". Very few people actually tell the truth in that regard. A lot of women cant be by themselves, they NEED to feel like someone needs them emotionally. Guys just need to get laid. Very few people are so disgusted by relationships that they just want to be alone and dont actually have a void to fill. At any rate, the next hot woman is around the corner for you, and its up to you whether to play the field or choose carefully the next long term relationship.

[NotWaitingAround]

Before things turned south and really got bad, she bailed on you. You reacted to how she handled your depression. Instead of her supporting you, helping you get help to deal with your depression, standing by your side and having your back, she balked and backed off -- Distanced herself, leaving you hurting and confused. Even though her words were I love you etc, her actions showed you otherwise.

 

Some people cannot handle depression or any serious bump in the road. She didn't communicate with you from the get - go and i can understand why you reacted and felt emotional, freaking out due to your frame of mind at the time and also her giving you mixed messages.

 

Honestly, this is a blessing in disguise! You're well now and have realized some mistakes that you made and have learned from them. Take this time to continue to work on you and enjoy life.

 

If she comes back, you may realize you won't want her in the same way you used to. Because you've changed and may need a woman who will always have your back and not run away from problems and have not so good communication skills.

 

Stay strong and I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

All of what you've said has certainly been on my mind, and I'm using this time by myself very wisely. During my depression, I did forget to do many of the little things for her though, to let her know she was special to me, but in the back of my mind I can't help but think a stronger partner would have been able to handle it a little better.

 

Thanks, and I'm glad I'm feeling better, too!

[BC1980]

Emotional problems can really be the kiss of death because people see it as emotional baggage they have to carry around. People want a relationship to add something to their life, not drag it down. It's had to see it when you are the one who is going through the depression yourself, but the other person sees it differently.

[NotWaitingAround]

Bottom line.

 

People who are truly invested and love each other dearly do not abandon one another in time of need. They support and work to build you back up. Sure, if you told me you were in a 3 year funk and she got tired of miring in your depression, then maybe I buy it..

 

But only a few months?

 

Sounds like she was just using this time as an excuse to bail out on the r.

 

In the futurem if you ever get dropped on your head again, maintain your dignity and go about it in a calm manner. Getting hysterical never got anyone anywhere and it looks worse on a guy then it does on a woman..

 

my .02

 

TFY

 

HAHAHA yeah I'll definitely maintain my dignity next time, no doubt about that. It makes me laugh looking back on it, at how much I over-reacted. I have to admit it probably seemed rather pathetic, so I can't blame her much for running the other way at that point. There was just too much going on at once I guess. There were other things going on too, like my grandfather's death (he helped raise me so we were close), having my first business attempt getting shut down by the FDA before I got it off the ground, and studying to become a certified strength and conditioning specialist, so her leaving was just the last straw that broke my back.

[NotWaitingAround]

Emotional problems can really be the kiss of death because people see it as emotional baggage they have to carry around. People want a relationship to add something to their life, not drag it down. It's had to see it when you are the one who is going through the depression yourself, but the other person sees it differently.

 

You know, it's interesting that you mention this. I guess I'm just a little different from most people when it comes to this sort of thing. I've never had much of a problem supporting people when they are going through tough times, and I've never seen it as baggage. In a relationship before this most recent one, my partner revealed to me early on that she was starting to develop a severe eating disorder and I barely even flinched. I pretty much just said, "OK let's work on it and get you over this thing." I supported her even though it was admittedly tough on me for a while. I gave her the love she obviously needed, and she got through it alright. Things didn't work out between us for other reasons, but we are still really good friends and we still love each other even though she's married with 2 kids (not mine). She even reminded me a couple of weeks ago about what I had done for her, how I had helped her during that difficult time in her life, and she expressed her gratitude.

 

I also did something similar with my most recent ex-partner. When we met she had a really abysmal opinion of her appearance, even though she is quite beautiful. She asked me to help her start working out and eating better, and since I'm a fitness and health food geek, I did it. I told her the entire time that she was gorgeous, but also that if she saw room for improvement, that there was nothing standing in the way of making those improvements, that I would stand by her through it and give her the knowledge she needed to succeed. She went in these cycles, through periods of self-deprecation and depression followed by periods of self-improvement a few times, and it was often kind of rough, but it never made me so unhappy that I needed to leave her.

 

I'm not sure why, but I've always been like that. Maybe that's why I was so confused when she left, because I expected her to be strong for me like I was for her. I tend to see the person that exists beneath any psychological or emotional problems she may have because, hell, everyone has problems, right?

[NotWaitingAround]

You're an insightful guy and you're gonna be fine. Her loss! It really is..

 

Thanks! You're very kind.

[aloneinaz]

It's very disappointing when people bail out of a relationship when someone goes through a rough spot. I think it speaks volumes about their character. In your case, you've appeared to have some good self reflection and self improvement. Why waste it on someone like this? You appear to be in great shape now both emotionally, physically and mentally. Why not start over fresh with someone who WON'T bail on you when something tough comes up.

 

She left you when you need her most. My ex did the same thing. I've hit a rough spot this year but despite that, I was still ALWAYS there for her and her kids. She can drop dead and will never hear from me again. Karma is a good thing and she'll get hers.

 

Hang tough, stay NC w/her and find your next GREAT relationship!

[hoping2heal]

Emotional problems can really be the kiss of death because people see it as emotional baggage they have to carry around. People want a relationship to add something to their life, not drag it down. It's had to see it when you are the one who is going through the depression yourself, but the other person sees it differently.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call load of crap on this a little bit. Of course people want a relationship to add something fun and positive to their life. I agree with you there. However, everyone goes through tough times. Maybe not the same tough time and maybe not in the same way, but someone truly valuable and special; is that person who can endure right with you during your tough time. The person who can have the empathy and compassion to understand what you're going through and see you through to the other side of whatever you're going through. People who are there when the going is good? People who are there when it's all fun and laughs? Shoot, that's easy to find!! Someone who is mature enough to accept and embrace you when you're going through difficult times in your life is truly valuable and indispensable.

[Eddie Edirol]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call load of crap on this a little bit. Of course people want a relationship to add something fun and positive to their life. I agree with you there. However, everyone goes through tough times. Maybe not the same tough time and maybe not in the same way, but someone truly valuable and special; is that person who can endure right with you during your tough time. The person who can have the empathy and compassion to understand what you're going through and see you through to the other side of whatever you're going through. People who are there when the going is good? People who are there when it's all fun and laughs? Shoot, that's easy to find!! Someone who is mature enough to accept and embrace you when you're going through difficult times in your life is truly valuable and indispensable.

 

Sorry but life doesnt always work with that kind of happy ending.

 

Its been too many times on here that people have stuck by depressed or mentally unstable people for quite a while, only to be deliberately pushed away by the depressed SO. When youre in a relationship with someone like that, and they are not trying to make their way out of the hole, you never know when they might snap out of it, or bring you down with them. You can only be a rock for so long. At some point it kills the total attraction and you have to save yourself.

[Simon Phoenix]

It's ok, I think you just need to tone it down a bit and not assume so much. You seem to have a bit of a negativity problem yourself. Claiming that you think it was over before I sent the emails is very presumptuous, and there's really no way for you to make that determination from the information I provided. Also, I'm a firm believer in the fact that people do change and there are plenty of examples if you look for them.

 

She might be negative, but a lot of it is likely on the money. For as much as we all like to think that our personal situations are unique, the truth is that they normally play out the same.

 

She's also telling you what you need to hear. Even if it's not completely accurate, it's better for you in general to take the approach that it is over and work on moving forward. By doing that, you'll be able to truly work on yourself and put your best foot forward in the future. And there's no way you've changed in a month. No one does.

[BC1980]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to call load of crap on this a little bit. Of course people want a relationship to add something fun and positive to their life. I agree with you there. However, everyone goes through tough times. Maybe not the same tough time and maybe not in the same way, but someone truly valuable and special; is that person who can endure right with you during your tough time. The person who can have the empathy and compassion to understand what you're going through and see you through to the other side of whatever you're going through. People who are there when the going is good? People who are there when it's all fun and laughs? Shoot, that's easy to find!! Someone who is mature enough to accept and embrace you when you're going through difficult times in your life is truly valuable and indispensable.

 

What I'm saying is that not everyone sees it like you. Some people are not there for better or worse. I'm not saying who is right or wrong; each situation is different. I can't judge either way, I'm only saying that time and time again, people bail because they can't handle emotional baggage from the other person, be it something that just happened or has been developing over time.

 

Emotional problems (depression, eating disorders, ect.) cause a tremendous strain on the relationship because the one with the problem is seen a weaker. It only matters how the one without the problem perceives it. If they perceive they are carrying their partner along, that is destined to fail at some point. Most people do want an even keeled relationship, not someone they need to take care of. It's emotionally draining for both parties, and I would say to see a counselor to decided how to proceed. People will look past a lot of stuff, but not emotional problems in many instances.

 

This guy obviously has been there for other people, so, perhaps, a woman who bails is not the woman for him.

Edited July 2, 2013 by BC1980