First Love/Relationship (5 Years) Finished - Severe indications? Not coping well.

[BB21]

Hi all,

 

I'm here to post my story, this is a shortened version of my whole 5 year relationship, mainly concentrating on our last few days together. I'm not sure what I aim to get from posting it, I guess being able to post it here with people sharing the same emotions right now may bring me a level of comfort.

 

For anybody that makes it through this whole post, I applaud you and thank you for taking the time to read my depressing, over emotional wall of text.

 

I'm Ben, i'm 21, and got with my first love at 16, I even remember the date, September 19th 2008. So just a few weeks under 5 years. We were that stereotypical loved up couple, never apart, soppy, everything, it was beautiful, it was my first time experiencing love. I was up in the clouds.

 

-Part 1/2 of relationship

From day 1, we were never drinkers, we didn't go out in that way, no pubs, no clubs, nothing. Yes, i'm saying this knowing we were 16/17 at the time, but I mean we had a mutual agreement it's something we wouldn't do. We weren't in a group of people that did this either, so it was never tempting to us, we were the 2 who stayed home, went for little meals, and just were inseparable.

 

Fast forward 2 years, we're 18, she starts talking to an oldschool friend, known for being rather outgoing and slept around a lot. She then wanted to start seeing what going out was like and it's where our first downfall started. On around the third time of her going out to a club one night, I sensed something was wrong when I asked if I could come along and she did everything in her power to not allow me. My gut instinct was right..

 

That night she didn't come home and was unreachable, I finally got in contact and met up with her as she was returning home from the 'friends house she stayed at that night'. I knew something had happened, but she didn't admit it, we got into an emotional row on the street, and she still insisted she had just got drunk and stayed at a friends. I bought it. Suddenly, she then said there was a problem with the relationship and she needed time alone, she cried her eyes out, I had no idea why, I was crazy about her, I didn't care, I wanted it resolved. From what I remember, we split up for a very short amount of time, and we all of a sudden carried on normal. I then found out why, guilt..She had in fact been sleeping with somebody since that night and had lied and got on with our relationship as it was going on.

 

I was distraught, a wreck, she left me and was very cold to me and didn't care I was so distraught. Cutting a very long story short, it all eventually came out, horrible details, horrible lies, but we still got back together and started to move on. However, it wasn't that simple, her grandfather (who she lived with found out about what she had been doing in the house, he kicked her out, and this is where it I lead onto the following 3 years of our relationship up to today.

 

(This first part wasn't told so much as a story, more so as things become very similar in part 2)

 

 

-Part 2 - The next 3 years - 18-21 years old.

Her cheating caused a huge amount of drama, she came to live with me at my mothers house, but after a week or two, my mum didn't want it any longer and decided she'd have to go. But because we didn't want to be apart, we left together with all our bags, no cash, and no plan. We just wanted to be together. I ended up selling my belongings and got some cash together for us to find our first place together, a room in a house share.

 

I'm going to cut a lot out now and just give a brief outline. The next 3 years up to now have been good, we've been through a lot together, grew up together, moved to different houses, struggled together, always been there for each other and each other only. Been each others soul mate and best friend, cuddled to sleep, everything (i'm sorry, i'm literally just trying to get across how good we were which will help later on).

 

We had some bad times, some small arguments, nothing that any relationship wouldn't have. But let me point out HERE, we never spent time apart, didn't go out much, lived our lives as though we were older than we were. I knew she wanted to go out and have fun, but I never forgot what happened when she cheated on me, I always wanted to shield her and us from anything like that again, therefore this is where a strain began on us, no free time, both of us always being locked up.

 

It got a bit much for me last year, because she got very moody all the time, we were constantly having little arguments and I decided in my head I really had had enough and I wanted to end it. I was speaking to friends, telling them i'm done, I've had enough, but never actually telling her this. I wanted some freedom, I wanted to do things. I left for my mothers house for the weekend with a bag of stuff, she was distraught, I was so cold, I told her to leave me alone for the weekend. I didn't care she was upset. I'd just had enough.

 

Monday comes and I have to leave my mums and go home and tackle it head on, I get home and she starts crying as she'd found out what I had said to other people, and she was so scared for the relationship. I was still distant, I then sat on the bed with her, and we both cried and had a talk, I aired my problems and she admitted them and apologized, as did I. We then continued to have to this day, the best sex of our relationship that night. I realized I didn't need the things I thought I did, I had the best girl in the world crying her heart out in front of me. In fact I never did want these things, I just snapped. But we had an awesome chat, really sorted things out. The next few months were normal, going to work, going out, her doing her thing, me doing my thing.

 

That was 1 year ago, since then we have been good, our normal weird with each other selves. However, we had to leave our house because of landlord problems, our only place to go was my mothers. We arrived here 4 months ago. This is where my childhood sweetheart, my everything, starts to fade away.

 

Neither of us wanted to come here, we knew it would be stressful, my mum goes to bed early, we work late sometimes, things wouldn't just go side by side. We settle in fine, happy we're just together as usual, we're best friends too. After 2 weeks here, she got a new job, and started working with people her own age, as apposed to the job she'd previously had as a carer for the elderly.

 

We both became unhappy here very quickly, I was down, she was down. We needed to move, but just didn't have the funds too, I knew she was getting upset, but I did nothing about it, I took her for granted, knowing she'll wait with me here as long as it takes for us to get back out together. I mean, I find it difficult to use the word 'granted', I suppose I just thought, we were one, and we'll get through things together.

 

I was spending a lot of time on my computer, and she just sat watching TV, a bad routine we couldn't get out of. I wasn't enjoying work, and was unhappy, therefore not speaking to her much and not paying her much attention, and having little arguments over the most stupid things. Just stress related arguments.

 

I still thought we were okay though, we went to sleep at night in each-others arms, kissed, both got up for work, and went about our days until we met again at home.

 

Last week, she then told me she had been invited out, and wanted to go, she said she didn't want to tell me at first because she knew I wouldn't like it/allow her. She was right, I didn't like it, and I made her feel like she doesn't have the freedom to do them things, but she does. She just doesn't read me properly. I was scared, I hadn't slept alone with out her, knowing she was out, in 3 years, what if she met the guy? What if she didn't come home? I was so worried, for something as simple as my girl wanting to have a fun night out, turned into a nightmare for me. I didn't want her to meet somebody, I was terrified. I didn't mean to anger her, it just brought back bad memories.

 

This then came across as though I was being clingy and stopping her doing things. This made her angry with me, as she didn't understand why. I tried not to mention it, and instead played the 'quiet, deeply hurting inside' game. I accepted she was going out, Tuesday came, and she met me at work for dinner, as she wouldn't see me by the time I finished. We met and were fine, had lunch, laughed, held hands, told her I was worried and would miss her, she said she knew I would. I went back to work, she went home. The rest of the day I was upset, knowing my emotion didn't at all make her think, maybe I should stay in, he's obviously upset. But why should she? She only wants to go out.

 

For some reason I was massively overcome with emotion, I cried for no reason on the way home, I think I realized I'd really done wrong, and make her feel so trapped. I called her and cried, she was cold to me, she then went out. I made her promise she would call me just to ensure me she is okay, and to help me through the night, she promised. But little did I know, she already had her plans.

 

I got home, and found a note inside my laptop 'Dont be moody, I love you lots & lots'

 

8pm that night, was the last I heard from her. She didn't call, didn't text, but I managed to fall asleep. I awoke at 6am, and she wasnt home. My heart sunk, I phoned, her phone was off. I sat awake until 8am, trying to reach who she was out with, but nothing. I then get a reply off a girl, stating she didn't know where she was, she left early, but she'll call about. She then messaged back saying she rang one of the girls, and she was there, she had got drunk and slept there. I believed it, my gut didn't say there was anything wrong. However, all strangely identical to the first time mentioned earlier eh? I was deeply upset she hadn't contacted me, she told me she'd be home, and I didn't hear from anybody until 11am. This isn't even a matter of being clingy, it's being worried for somebody well being.

 

She messaged me saying she was leaving the girls house and was going to her mums instead of coming home, I knew something was wrong now, knew it. I start to panic, ringing, texting, when are you home? My mum was also angry that she had her worried too, she also told my mum she would be home, my mum being a worrier, waited up to know she was home safe. But obviously she didn't return.

 

She then arrives home at 2 pm, 20 minutes before she has to leave for work. She comes in the room and hugs me, saying she didn't mean to worry me. My mum then comes up, and in a nice manner, tells her she was slightly angry with her, and wanted an apology for making people worry on purpose. She apologized, but I could see how angry this made her. My mum left, and she went to pick up her bag and leave, that's when I said 'is that it'? I haven't seen you all night and you want to go already? She sat down, but was so angry, saying nobody speaks to her like that, not even her own mother tells her what to do. I tried to explain she was only worried. I cried again because I severely knew something was going to happen, I could sense it, and I had missed her a lot. For some reason, I was just deeply upset again and wanting to hug her, she said I was being weird and clingy and didn't understand why I was crying, if anything it annoyed her.

 

She then had to leave for work, but because I knew something wasn't right, I offered to walk to the bus stop with her, you know, just to talk things over and also to get a little bit of time with her. The whole way she said how angry she was at my mum, and how she wasnt coming home. Me being me, I try to smooth it out "oh we'll be out of here soon, just come home, don't put a strain on us because of her". I asked her to promise me she'd be home, she couldn't, but just said she would.

 

We sit waiting for the bus, and she's off with me, bus comes, gives me a kiss 'love you'. I go home and decide to text her, just apologizing for how clingy I may have been, explained why, told her how much I love her, a real heartfelt text, told her I cant wait until shes home and i'll be warming the bed ready. No reply.

 

She should be home by now i'm thinking, then she rings me and tells me she's at her mums and will be home soon. She then rings again, and tells me she wont be coming home, I ask why, she just says she doesn't want to come back. Shes had enough, I cry and plead, she gets angry and puts the phone down after telling me she needs space and turns it off on me. This was Wednesday evening (June 26)

 

I don't sleep that night, then text her the following morning, just pleading with things, we can do this, we can do that, lets go here, we really need this, lets go away for a few days. I receive a reply saying she doesn't want any of that and to leave her alone. I was in complete shock, from waking into another day together in each-others arms, to 3 days later, her not having seen me for more than 30 minutes, to her being gone.

 

Luckily I went to the net quickly, and kept myself sane with the company of a friend. I spent hours upon hours glaring at a screen, reading similar circumstances, what I can do, basically creating hope for myself. I also found out about no contact, and as hard as it would be, I thought i'd try it, knowing I begged and pleaded and there was nothing more I could do, I felt this was best to see if she came to me. It was going to be hard, but I knew I was occupied for the next few days with friends.

 

I spent the next few days until yesterday (Sunday June 30th) drinking, something I don't do. Masking my emotions and smiling, speaking to friends about it. I also went to a few clubs, something I hadn't done in years, like I mentioned earlier, I didn't do it to protect us. I had an amazing night out and realized to myself what I've been missing out on, and how we've been so deprived of fun, I thought why don't we do this stuff together?

 

She sent her sister to collect some clothes, I insisted if she was gone, she take it all so I don't have to look at it and get upset, she wouldn't. She insisted she only wanted a bag, I read to much into this and thought, oh maybe its because she'll be back soon. I packed some stuff and sent it her way. No contact was going good, until she rang me on Friday. She rang 3 times, I didn't answer, I wanted her to think I wouldn't be there as soon as she wanted. I answered the 4th one, to be met by a tirade of abuse of how I hadn't packed enough, I mean real verbal abuse. Instead of a simple text, or a simple call to say I didn't give her enough, can she collect more, she abused me and was very angry. I simply said I was busy and i'd catch her soon.

 

No contact lasted until yesterday, Sunday, she messaged me asking me to ring her, I said no, i'd rather just message. She wanted more stuff. But wanted to collect it in person, I told her she HAD to take it all to allow me to start healing, I couldn't have her keep coming back here, upsetting me. She said she can't take it all, but I said she must so we agreed on it. I also told her she needed to bring my key back. We agreed she'd be here at 9am, so we can pack. It was a friendly conversation, I said I'd help ect. She wanted me to be here, planned it at a time she wouldn't have to see my mum.

 

8:40am, she rings me, she wont make it for 9, meaning she cant come round in time to pack before my mum is home, meaning she once again won't be taking her stuff. She said her sister was not home, so couldn't leave the house as she was waiting for a delivery, she then said her sister would be home from her boyfriends within 30 minutes, I thought it was a little weird, because her boyfriend lives a distance away, and she also said she was in bed there. So shes gone from being in bed, to getting up and making it home within 30 minutes. Seemed a bit weird, in the sense that that extra 30 minutes would give her the ability to say she can't come round to the house.

 

It really is seeming a difficult task just for her to take her stuff, something so easy..

 

She asks me to pack a bag and meet her at a cafe near my house. I go, and she's there, looking extremely sad. We start with general chat and shes constantly looking into my eyes, she's holding back the tears. I wasn't going to be emotional. I ask if she wants to chat, and we start it off. She tells me she felt it was going nowhere, she wanted to go out more, and felt she couldn't talk to me about it. I said she could have, if it meant our relationship, we can talk anything over. I tell her I agree that we needed to go out more, I told her the fun I had the other night, and how we should have always done it together, but I told her I was shielding us. She said she has friends texting her to do stuff, something she hasn't previously had much. But it upsets me that even when she has in the past, she's turned round and willingly said she isn't going out, she'd prefer a night in with a takeaway. She said she loved having this new found thing, where she has people texting her.

 

We then go for a walk and end up on a bench, and this is where we have the emotional chat. We are both crying our eyes out, knowing this isn't us. She tells me it's so hard, she can't sleep, and the only reason she is going out is because she is going out is because this, not being able to sleep, and the fear of being alone at night without me. I tell her to answer me one last question, are we over for good, she hesitates then nods and cries more. We talk about what we've done together in 5 years, how we've grown up, I tell her I'll never find anybody like her, and how she'll never find anybody to be weird with like me, she giggles. I tell her, i'll never be able to replace her, but she'll have to let me move on. I told her we won't contact and she once again cried even more. She told me to promise her i'll always be there, if she needs to talk I kind of said I don't know, and she said she will be there for me. We accepted it was goodbye and she held my hand tight and was shaking, and hugged me wiping away my tears. I walked her over to the bus, kissed her for-head and whispered 'forever and always' in her ear, something we used to say many years ago. She then left on the bus.

 

So that's my story as of 11am this morning, this is where, if you've made it through, I need the help. I am an absolute wreck, heartbroken, lost, lonely and confused. Why did it end so quick? Why from waking up together, to 3 days later her gone. Why is it obviously so hard for her, yet she dosn't want me back? Times like this you realise the bad you have done, and I feel so guilty, did I push my best friend away whilst trying to protect us? What do I do now? I am so very terrified, I have never been alone since 16, for 5 years I have woken up to her and gone to sleep with her, had her to hug and kiss, share my problem with, laugh with, and be me with. I am broke, I am terrified. I cannot sleep, my bed is empty, I look to my left now and she is not there. I feel so lonely, I haven't eaten. I have such bad thoughts.

 

I tried to ring her earlier before texting asking if it's okay, she didn't answer or reply, after telling me she'd be there to speak to.

 

From us, to her abandoning me, I am so lost.

 

It breaks my heart to know I too did this same thing last year, but on a slightly smaller scale. I left, I was cold to her, I was at my mothers whilst she cried at home. It really breaks my heart, what an absolute heartless douchebag I am, Karma really does come around. Could this be the same thing? Could she realise, Like I did?

 

She answer seems clear to me, she felt a bit isolated for a while, and never approached it with me and left it too late. She didn't value the relationship enough to not prevent something making it to breaking point. She started working with young people, and realized what she could have. But why can't we have it together? Why for the sake of 5 years, everything we've done, why dosn't she want to talk this over? Why didn't she ever? We can start going out and having fun, of course we can.

 

I have NEVER had to step back and look at our relationship like this, it's made me realise things, things I should do more of and should do less of. But is it too late? I'm just not ready to end 5 years. Is she?

 

We should just have never come here.

 

She also wants me to let her know when i'm off work so she can collect stuff, why did she make it so she HAS TO COME AGAIN!? SHE HAD 2 OPPORTUNITIES TO TAKE IT!

 

I will not beg, I will not plead, I will now go back to no contact, and if it's meant to be, it'll be.

 

True love finds a way.

Edited July 1, 2013 by BB21

[athousandquestions]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going to break down your post and reply, so bear with me.

 

-Part 1/2 of relationship

From day 1, we were never drinkers, we didn't go out in that way, no pubs, no clubs, nothing. Yes, i'm saying this knowing we were 16/17 at the time, but I mean we had a mutual agreement it's something we wouldn't do. We weren't in a group of people that did this either, so it was never tempting to us, we were the 2 who stayed home, went for little meals, and just were inseparable.

Okay like you said, at this point you were 16/17. Believe it or not a LOT of people say they won't party/drink at that age. And that's okay, and it's okay if you never do. But why I think this was an issue is that neither of you 'learned' how to be in those scenarios. You made the decision that it was something you wouldn't do before you had really done it. I'm a bit confused with part of your story, was she seeing someone on the side or did she just hook up with a random guy one night? I am going to say something you may not like and people may not agree with but in my experience, when I love someone the way you love this girl, there is NO CHANCE I would ever stray. I'm not saying that she doesn't love you, but this should show you something about your relationship.

 

I was distraught, a wreck, she left me and was very cold to me and didn't care I was so distraught. Cutting a very long story short, it all eventually came out, horrible details, horrible lies, but we still got back together and started to move on. However, it wasn't that simple, her grandfather (who she lived with found out about what she had been doing in the house, he kicked her out, and this is where it I lead onto the following 3 years of our relationship up to today.

Why did you get back together? What did she do to make you believe that she was sorry? What made you want to trust her again? From the way it's phrased it sounds like she needed a place to stay and so she came crawling back to you. This sounds harsh but that could have really made her resent you on levels that you have no idea about.

 

I'm going to cut a lot out now and just give a brief outline. The next 3 years up to now have been good, we've been through a lot together, grew up together, moved to different houses, struggled together, always been there for each other and each other only. Been each others soul mate and best friend, cuddled to sleep, everything (i'm sorry, i'm literally just trying to get across how good we were which will help later on).

Your relationship was completely co-dependent. You were COMPLETELY dependent on each other and that is so toxic to relationships. It isn't your fault or hers that this happened, it really sounds like situations did not play in your favor.

 

We had some bad times, some small arguments, nothing that any relationship wouldn't have. But let me point out HERE, we never spent time apart, didn't go out much, lived our lives as though we were older than we were. I knew she wanted to go out and have fun, but I never forgot what happened when she cheated on me, I always wanted to shield her and us from anything like that again, therefore this is where a strain began on us, no free time, both of us always being locked up.

It's understandable that you wouldn't want to be hurt again, but the fact is you were controlling her behaviour and that is making her rebel now. You cannot tell someone what they can or can't do - you honestly have to trust them enough to make the right choices. I don't think, from how you're describing it, that the first time she cheated she put in enough effort in your reconciliation and continued to put in the effort (cheating changes a relationship FOREVER) so that you guys could have a somewhat-solid foundation. You never spent time apart - THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING.

 

Monday comes and I have to leave my mums and go home and tackle it head on, I get home and she starts crying as she'd found out what I had said to other people, and she was so scared for the relationship. I was still distant, I then sat on the bed with her, and we both cried and had a talk, I aired my problems and she admitted them and apologized, as did I. We then continued to have to this day, the best sex of our relationship that night. I realized I didn't need the things I thought I did, I had the best girl in the world crying her heart out in front of me. In fact I never did want these things, I just snapped. But we had an awesome chat, really sorted things out. The next few months were normal, going to work, going out, her doing her thing, me doing my thing.

The fact that you were airing your concerns to other people really shows you were unhappy whether you fully realized that or not. She begged you to stay, and you did, because you are dependent on eachother not because you love each other. I am not saying you don't love each other, you do. But it is your dependency that kept you in the relationship. You had communication problems in your relationship and it seems like both of you do not know how to express your feelings/concerns without it being a huge dramatic blowout. You are fine for a few months because you both bottle everything down, and then you explode.

 

Last week, she then told me she had been invited out, and wanted to go, she said she didn't want to tell me at first because she knew I wouldn't like it/allow her. She was right, I didn't like it, and I made her feel like she doesn't have the freedom to do them things, but she does. She just doesn't read me properly. I was scared, I hadn't slept alone with out her, knowing she was out, in 3 years, what if she met the guy? What if she didn't come home? I was so worried, for something as simple as my girl wanting to have a fun night out, turned into a nightmare for me. I didn't want her to meet somebody, I was terrified. I didn't mean to anger her, it just brought back bad memories.

This girl feels so controlled by you that she was afraid to tell you she wanted to have a life outside you. No offense, it's harsh but true. Because she cheated on you, you are terrified of being hurt. This is completely understandable but it is not healthy.

 

You need to go read the thread on here about GIGS. How she feels is similar to that.

 

But to sum it down for you

 

Neither of you know who you are anymore. You have completely lost yourselves in your relationship.

 

So that's my story as of 11am this morning, this is where, if you've made it through, I need the help. I am an absolute wreck, heartbroken, lost, lonely and confused. Why did it end so quick? Why from waking up together, to 3 days later her gone. Why is it obviously so hard for her, yet she dosn't want me back? Times like this you realise the bad you have done, and I feel so guilty, did I push my best friend away whilst trying to protect us? What do I do now? I am so very terrified, I have never been alone since 16, for 5 years I have woken up to her and gone to sleep with her, had her to hug and kiss, share my problem with, laugh with, and be me with. I am broke, I am terrified. I cannot sleep, my bed is empty, I look to my left now and she is not there. I feel so lonely, I haven't eaten. I have such bad thoughts.

This did not end quick! I know it seems like it did, but you guys have been struggling for a while. The thing is that you are both still so young, you are not even fully capable (brain-wise) of understanding these emotions. It is hard for her because she does care about you but she recognizes that your relationship is unhealthy and she wants a life. It is unreasonable to expect any person to only have contact with their partner, to stay in every night, and to be completely reliant on eachother. These types of relationships turn abusive and toxic very quickly. You say you are so terrified and I can completely see why, but the hardest part is that you are missing the PHYSICAL comforts of being with her. This is normal! This is okay! You had this girl in your life for a long time and it is completely understandable to why you are longing for her.

 

But this is the cold, hard truth.

 

 

She isn't longing for you. No matter what she says, her actions speak louder and her actions scream that she does not want to be in a relationship with you. The difference between what she is doing now and what you did a few years ago is that you realized you DID care enough about her to try and work things out. Let that sink in, because she doesn't want to do the same with you. You are willing to go out with her, to meet new people with her, and so on - but are you saying this because YOU want to meet new people, or because you want to monitor who she meets while still being with her? She needs to have a life outside you, and you need to have a life outside her. It doesn't matter if she cheated on you a hundred times, this was too codependent.

 

 

So what do you do now?

 

You box up all of her stuff and you have a mutual friend give it to her. No mutual friend? You leave it outside your house and you do not come out to speak to her when she arrives. This is going to be very difficult because you want to see her and talk to her.There is no point. She is not going to change her mind and want you back. She is just going to break your heart even more, and hurt you even more. it is not WORTH IT.

 

You answered your own question at the end. Is she willing to throw 5 years away? Yep, she already has. SO now you walk out of her life and you don't look back. And you do some serious self-improvement so she regrets letting you go until she dies.

 

You are going to delete her out of your life. All social networking sites, your phone, all photos, gone. Delete her number. You need to go FULL no contact, NOW. For two reasons: NC is the only way you can move on, but it is also the only thing that will bring her back.

 

Besides NC you need to do a few things. You need to start going to the gym, get a hobby, and make some new friends. You lost yourself in this relationship whether you see it or not, it sounds like you did not do much outside of her. You need to change this immediately because it will help you heal, help you meet new people, and make you more attractive.You need to do serious NC for at LEAST 6 months. That can be terrifying because she might forget about you and move on, etc etc but the fact is if she could forget about you, there is no point in fighting to be with her. You need serious time away from one another before you can even TALK about getting back together because you both have some SERIOUS issues you need to work on.

 

What you said at the end is a great way to look at it. Whatever will be, will be. You do not need to be afraid of what the future holds, because it holds exactly what is right for you! Stay strong.

[BB21]

All I can say is wow, thank you for taking so much time to help a lost soul.

 

Ive realised a lot of what you said is true, we suffocated eachother, but unintentionally. We loved and needed eachothers company too much, but at the time you dont realise, youre so comfortable and getting on.

 

Its such a shame, its so easy to fix this - more time apart, more time with friends.

 

As much as ive realised, I still want to work at it. I feel 5 years is too much to not want to fix too long to throw this away over something fixable.

 

Thats why its so hard, accepting she dosnt think we can talk it out. Maybe its too late for her

 

Today she text and tried to ring. She text saying yesterday was to hard to speak and asked how I am. She then tried to call.

 

I replied to neither.

[BB21]

Why is it to hard to her? Why is she also so heartbroken, and value us so much, yet she did this? SHE can come home and stop her pain. She loves me, but is staying away?

 

Im lost, is there another man?

 

This CAN be fixed. Its so easy.

[BB21]

So this morning she collected her stuff, we were generally friendly, had a smoke together, and hugged goodbye.

 

Her hug was very tight and meaningful, it was horrible.

 

She then took her bags, and kissed me on the lips.

 

She then text me saying she didnt mean to kiss me and sorry.

 

What does this mean?