Male behavior/online dating - is he not that into me or am I being too harsh?

July 1, 2013

I'll start off by saying that this isn't something I'm taking "seriously," but a situation that I'd appreciate some alternate perspectives on. I used to be the type to chase guys who clearly weren’t into me. Now I think I’ve veered in the opposite direction! But I’m trying to maintain balance, and this is why I’m here. Even if this doesn't work out, the insight I gain will be helpful in the future.

So, I’ve been doing the online dating thing for the first time, and I met a guy. It started off as usual - guy writes me. I like his profile, and I like his look, so I replied. We exchange a couple of messages, he expresses an interest in going out, and then he stops replying. A couple of weeks pass, and I'm clearing out my inbox. I see our conversation and wonder what happened, so I send him a quick message to see if he’s still interested. He replies, and apologizes for being out of touch. He's completing his medical residency, which is understandable - I once dated a med resident and their hours can be insane indeed.

Cool... so, we exchange numbers, text a few times, then he calls me. We have a great conversation and really seem to hit it off over the phone. He vaguely mentions meeting that Sunday during that conversation, but no specific time or place. He said he’d get back in touch with me to confirm the time and place. Four days go by and I don’t hear anything from him. Yesterday, I get a text from him in the afternoon that reads "are we still meeting tonight?" At that time, I'm at the beach (3 hours away from home) with my friends and plan to spend the rest of the evening there. I tell him that I’m not available because we never locked down any specific plans, but I also tell him that I can meet tomorrow or later in the week.

He writes back and says that he "might" be able to meet tomorrow. I told him that I'd rather not make tentative plans and would prefer to plan to meet up on a day where he's more certain of his schedule (I'm not going to put my life on hold for a "maybe" date). Anyway, he said that he'll check his work schedule and let me know. I told him that if I didn’t hear from him by the evening, I’m going to go ahead and RSVP to an event happening tomorrow that I was invited to.

I didn’t hear from him that day, so I assumed he couldn’t get his schedule sorted, and I RSVP’d to my event. This morning, he texted me and asked if we were “still on” for the evening. Obviously not, because he didn’t confirm the day before, and I’d already made other plans. I haven’t texted him back, and don’t plan to do so until I get some feedback on this situation.

So, based on the details above, does this sound like something worth pursuing? Is his interest level in me is low, or does it sound like he’s clueless about dating? I’ve also considered that maybe he’s being flaky because we’ve never actually met in real life, and that I should at least meet him once before passing judgment. I appreciate any insight on this situation.

July 1, 2013

Flaky. Next. Or ditzy. Whatever it is, if you want to continue being in contact with this guy, that's something you will learn to live with, because he's not going to change. I think, I'm too old for this crap.

Or he's not interested and playing games.

I'd stay away from him. You can spend a lot of time analyzing this, but really, it's just not worth it. You're not going to gain any useful insight into the human mind with this kind of behavior.

Edited July 1, 2013 by PlumPrincess

July 1, 2013

Thanks for the reply. "Next" was my gut instinct. As I mentioned, I have a history of being too hard on guys as a rebound effect of being too forgiving in the past.

I'm not a bad looking woman and I get plenty of male attention. But... I have a tendency to be attracted to guys who show *some* interest, but act aloof/indifferent otherwise. What can I say, I like a challenge!

This guy, however, is just plain frustrating and inconsiderate. When guys act the way that he does with "tentative" plans and such, I get the impression he's trying to use me as a backup or "plan b" in case the person he's more interested in isn't available. Screw that, he must be brain dead to even *try* that nonsense with someone of my caliber. Just sayin'.

July 1, 2013

He is either being aloof on purpose, to make you more interested, he truly is too busy with he carrer/work or he is not sure.

I am not sure I would walk yet. I would make it clear to him you would like to meet, you want a specific date and time; if he can't give you that then yes, Next.

July 1, 2013

Thanks for the reply. "Next" was my gut instinct. As I mentioned, I have a history of being too hard on guys as a rebound effect of being too forgiving in the past.

I'm not a bad looking woman and I get plenty of male attention. But... I have a tendency to be attracted to guys who show *some* interest, but act aloof/indifferent otherwise. What can I say, I like a challenge!

This guy, however, is just plain frustrating and inconsiderate. When guys act the way that he does with "tentative" plans and such, I get the impression he's trying to use me as a backup or "plan b" in case the person he's more interested in isn't available. Screw that, he must be brain dead to even *try* that nonsense with someone of my caliber. Just sayin'.

Too soon to say next....

first off....dont assume you are the only one he is communicating with through this dating site. He is likely communicating with others.

Its conceivable that he was busy with exam stuff. thus he forgot about setting up the date. Or he communicated with others and you slipped through the cracks.

My rule on dating online...its rather easy for people to forget about you. If you are commutnicating with someone online and they tell you they are going to be traveling out of town on business/pleasure for a week or have something like exams to study for or a major work project coming up ask them when they will be done or be back. Then a few days after send them a message--if they respond to you they are interested...if not then this was some sort of blow off or something better came around.

Its easy to have someone slip through the cracks if you are talking to 5-7 people at a time.

When setting up a first date like what you are doing set up a certain date and time...none of these wishy washy maybe/possibly things. wait till he knows his schedule then work around it.

Tell him in advance you are the type who sets up dates 2 days in advance...no last minute booty calls or backup plans.

As i said above ---dont wait for him..keep communicating with other men.

As for last minute cancelation of dates---I always give people second chances because things can come up. Im especially more sympathetic to single moms where they need a sitter before a date.

July 1, 2013

He writes back and says that he "might" be able to meet tomorrow. I told him that I'd rather not make tentative plans and would prefer to plan to meet up on a day where he's more certain of his schedule (I'm not going to put my life on hold for a "maybe" date). Anyway, he said that he'll check his work schedule and let me know. I told him that if I didn’t hear from him by the evening, I’m going to go ahead and RSVP to an event happening tomorrow that I was invited to.

I didn’t hear from him that day, so I assumed he couldn’t get his schedule sorted, and I RSVP’d to my event. This morning, he texted me and asked if we were “still on” for the evening. Obviously not, because he didn’t confirm the day before, and I’d already made other plans. I haven’t texted him back, and don’t plan to do so until I get some feedback on this situation.

So, based on the details above, does this sound like something worth pursuing?

I'd go out with him once. Obviously, would explain that you now have plants tonight since he didn't get back to you. Then I'd go on at least one date and see what's up with him.

July 1, 2013

Keep up what it is you're doing- not planning your weekends around his schedule. Any sane or considerate person would and will make definite plans ahead of time. Either he's lacking common sense or he simply lacked respect for you.

Either way, until he's able to show common courtesy, don't give in into dating him last minute.

July 1, 2013

I don't do flaky. I HATE flaky....and it's not a good first impression.

If I don't know you and am serious about dating, I am not going to be flaky. In general, I respect people's time, dating or not, and I don't leave them hanging. I expect to be treated in the same manner.

One of my pet peeves is when people cancel plans without letting me know in advance or people who are always unsure then try to confirm at the last second or change plans at the last second. I HATE it! And for me, that is a "little thing" that says A LOT!

I don't think he is that interested and frankly,if you're already having to dissect him, it isn't worth it. He failed the simplest assessment point IMO lol. I like a man to be assertive and straightforward. I like men who can do something as simple as make a definite plan for a date and follow through. It is not rocket science and if from the beginning you're always unsure and tentative and maybe, maybe not, and you don't call to confirm, you are ALREADY setting a bad precedent. I have briefly dated men like this and they didn't magically become on-time and sure once I gave them a shot....in fact, the fact that I allowed their flaky behavior only made them MORE complacent and flaky in the future, as they figured I didn't mind.

If you are "clueless" about dating, you should still have manners. Everybody knows it is poor manners to not confirm with someone after they have made it abundantly clear that they have other plans and it rests on your confirmation. It is RUDE! I don't suggest you make excuses for his poor manners and try to rationalize it. It's up to you though, but I think this guy is not worth it, and you should find a man who can at least do something as simple as make plans for a date and keep them. I don't think that is too much to ask.

Edited July 1, 2013 by MissBee

July 1, 2013

As i said above ---dont wait for him..keep communicating with other men.

Absolutely... I'm seeing a few people, but nothing serious. I don't plan to stop dating others until I've agreed to be exclusive with someone. Best way to avoid oneitis.

Anyway, I got back with him, and we've got a date set to meet for a drink after work. I have no expectations at all, but heck, who knows. Maybe things will warm up after we get that first meeting out of the way, but if not, at least I got a glass of chardonnay out of it

I'll report back after we meet.

July 1, 2013

But... I have a tendency to be attracted to guys who show *some* interest, but act aloof/indifferent otherwise. What can I say, I like a challenge!

Sounds like this guy figured this out, hooked and reeled you in nicely.

July 1, 2013

By accepting a date with him you're sending the message that you will pick up the slack and accept flakey behavior from him.

He didn't bother keeping up his end of the email correspondence, so you had to nudge him again (pursuit).

He may be busy but men make time for things that are important to them. He was also inconsiderate of your time by waiting til the very last minute to plan/confirm a first meet. Now you're hoping that by meeting you his interest will magically fall into line.

Sorry but you've already set the tone for whatever happens going forward.

And no, I'm not a bitter dude. Just a chick with experience.

July 1, 2013

By accepting a date with him you're sending the message that you will pick up the slack and accept flakey behavior from him.

He didn't bother keeping up his end of the email correspondence, so you had to nudge him again (pursuit).

He may be busy but men make time for things that are important to them. He was also inconsiderate of your time by waiting til the very last minute to plan/confirm a first meet. Now you're hoping that by meeting you his interest will magically fall into line.

Sorry but you've already set the tone for whatever happens going forward.

And no, I'm not a bitter dude. Just a chick with experience.

I agree.

Is he THAT worth it? Especially since you haven't met, I'd write him off and move on. For me, it's one thing if I already know you and like you, then I have more incentive in some ways to try to see pass certain things but if before we event meet you're flaky, I won't risk it.

In any case, it's not a crime to get drinks, but in my own experience, there is no excuse for his behavior and he will probably continue being that way, and yea, you have been the one more in pursuit of him than he you. He's rude and flaky, plain and simple and I wouldn't even bother trying to give him a chance, as chances are, you may very well have chemistry with him and start liking him, but unfortunately, chemistry doesn't make a person not rude or flaky, then you'll only become attached to a flake.

July 2, 2013

Now you're hoping that by meeting you his interest will magically fall into line.

At this point, I'm just going to have a drink with a guy at a place that I pass on my way home from work anyway. No expectations, no hopes, no dreams. I'm not even going to do my hair or wear makeup.

The real reason why I decided to go through with it at all is because:

1. He did straighten up and set a time and place when I made it clear I wasn't playing ball with that vague and tentative crap. We're 20-somethings, so I'm willing to give guys my age a little more leeway for immaturity and lack of life/dating experience.

2. I talked to my older brother about the situation, and he advised that I should try going out with him at least once and see how he behaves after the date before writing him off.

He told me that when he first started online dating (how he met his wife of 5 years), a lot of women in online dating actually go along with open-ended plans, and many of them will also a guy out "tentatively," so the guy may not know he's doing anything wrong. He also asked me if he needed to come kick his ass

Bottom line - it's a drink, not a marriage proposal, and it's unlikely to lead to that regardless. My rose tinted glasses will be outside in the truck of my car next to the spare tire. I'll keep everyone's advice in the back of my mind, and due to how things started out, he's on a strict "probationary period." If I catch even a whiff of disrespect, flakiness, or waffling about after we meet, I'm outta there like tupperware. Thanks everyone!

July 2, 2013

Sounds like this guy figured this out, hooked and reeled you in nicely.

Exactly. It worked plus in another thread she even admitted that she likes men who are aloof with her. Until she gets over that she will always deal with situations like this.

July 2, 2013

At this point, I'm just going to have a drink with a guy at a place that I pass on my way home from work anyway. No expectations, no hopes, no dreams. I'm not even going to do my hair or wear makeup.

The real reason why I decided to go through with it at all is because:

1. He did straighten up and set a time and place when I made it clear I wasn't playing ball with that vague and tentative crap. We're 20-somethings, so I'm willing to give guys my age a little more leeway for immaturity and lack of life/dating experience.

2. I talked to my older brother about the situation, and he advised that I should try going out with him at least once and see how he behaves after the date before writing him off.

He told me that when he first started online dating (how he met his wife of 5 years), a lot of women in online dating actually go along with open-ended plans, and many of them will also a guy out "tentatively," so the guy may not know he's doing anything wrong. He also asked me if he needed to come kick his ass

Bottom line - it's a drink, not a marriage proposal, and it's unlikely to lead to that regardless. My rose tinted glasses will be outside in the truck of my car next to the spare tire. I'll keep everyone's advice in the back of my mind, and due to how things started out, he's on a strict "probationary period." If I catch even a whiff of disrespect, flakiness, or waffling about after we meet, I'm outta there like tupperware. Thanks everyone!

He already did. *shakes head*

I love how women downplay and make excuses for men like "it's no big deal".

OP - you're just proving all the dudes right on this forum who say that jerks get all the women.

July 2, 2013

Not worth pursuing at all babes.

When guys online drop out of contact like that it's because they're chatting/dating/sleeping with someone they like better. They just haven't said anything because you would make a good back up plan.

And that's how he's treating you. You messaged him weeks after he started ignoring you therefore you're the chick who's really into him (in his mind) and is good to keep around in case he runs out of chicks he's actually into. But he doesn't have to put much effort in because you have him the power in the dumbass game that is online dating. The busy excuse is bollocks. He got bored of you. When guys are into you and they're worth bothering with they stay in contact one way or another.

I always like to have a rule - if they ignore you once, they don't get another minute of my time without an outright apology and acknowledgement or about triple the effort.

Make sense? Hope this helps

July 2, 2013

He already did. *shakes head*

I love how women downplay and make excuses for men like "it's no big deal".

OP - you're just proving all the dudes right on this forum who say that jerks get all the women.

I'm not going to get into a back and forth with you here, because you're quite a few posts up on me, and we all know how that works in internet forums. I will way this, if you're trying to get brownie points from the "nice guys" here, you're doing an excellent job. Keep up the good work.

July 2, 2013

I'm not going to get into a back and forth with you here, because you're quite a few posts up on me, and we all know how that works in internet forums. I will way this, if you're trying to get brownie points from the "nice guys" here, you're doing an excellent job. Keep up the good work.

It's the truth though. The game this guy is playing is working like a charm. If a woman is wondering whether a guy is into her or not she clearly has interest and his eyes he has won.

July 2, 2013

I'm not going to get into a back and forth with you here, because you're quite a few posts up on me, and we all know how that works in internet forums. I will way this, if you're trying to get brownie points from the "nice guys" here, you're doing an excellent job. Keep up the good work.

Ha, honey, I'm far from a fan of the "nice guys" on this forum.

July 2, 2013

Ha, honey, I'm far from a fan of the "nice guys" on this forum.

After seeing threads like this pop up over and over again don't you think they at least have somewhat of a point?

July 2, 2013

After seeing threads like this pop up over and over again don't you think they at least have somewhat of a point?

Do I think that some women put up with too much crap from jerks? Hell yes. I'm not one of them.

This probably isn't appropriate for the OP's thread; we've all expressed our opinions and she's going to do what she wants.

She's already dissatisfied with his behavior up until this point - so for the life of me I can't imagine why she'd grace him with her presence for even five minutes. He's been flaky and rude.

But hey, maybe that's her type. *shrugs*

July 2, 2013

Not sure what Drseussgrrl number of posts has to do with her advice.

This guy is flakey and has repeatedly lost interest in you and clearly put you in the backburner. You came here for advice, it was given, you have chosen to ignore it.

Your responses since then have become quite defensive 'not even going to bother to wear makeup'. Ok. Well...it doesn't really matter to him does it? Youve shown that you are willing to reward his flakey behaviour with your presence.

July 2, 2013

It sounds like both of you are really too busy to be dating right now.

July 4, 2013

Yeah, I'm hard headed... I went on the date anyway. I swung by the bar after work as we’d agreed. I walked in, scanning the place. When I got to the far end of the bar, I saw a small dumpy guy in a baseball cap making eye contact with me. I froze. Before I could react, he spotted me and smiled/waved at me. Dear. God. His profile said he was 6’, but when he stood up to let me sit next to him, he wasn't a hair taller than 5’8. And he was a lot heavier than in the pics. I could tell he was the same person, but he looked so much better in his pictures. He's a genius with those creative angles. And he had horrible acne, guess he photoshopped that out too. He was just really unattractive.

I wanted to about-face and bail… but noooo, I’m too polite. When we sat down, he immediately started giving me goo goo eyes, like I was the love of his life or something. He wouldn’t stop staring at me. It was really uncomfortable. For a visual, imagine Rihanna out on a date with William Hong - yeah, I’m black and he’s Asian (and I only vaguely resemble Rihanna, but that’s the closest approximation I could come up with).

So I order my drink, and the bartender looks at me, looks at “William,” then looks at me again with a sympathetic look. Meanwhile, the guy keeps spouting compliments at me, telling me how much better I look in person (I’m thinking, “Wish I could say the same for you, buddy!”). He apologized for being so difficult to meet up with, then the pity party starts. He says he has no social life, he’s a virgin, never had a real girlfriend, all the girls "friend zone" him and turn to him for comfort when the jerks they date dump them. I accidentally laughed at that statement because of how the people on this forum thought HE was the jerk that got the girl... oh, sweet irony! And if his self-pity fest wasn’t bad enough, the entire conversation was filled with him making really bad attempts at humor. Oh, and he's a part-time professional gamer. With halitosis. Oh joy!

After an excruciating half hour of him eying me up like prey and him trying his damnedest to get me to commit to a second date, I told him I had to get going. As we said goodbye outside, he said “I’m not going to see you again, am I?” I was honest and told him no, but I tried to let him down gently with the “I didn’t feel any chemistry” spiel. I wasn’t feeling bitchy enough to tell him what I was really thinking. He made a face like a kid who dropped his ice cream cone. Since I left, he’s sent me about five text messages practically begging me to give him a second chance. I actually feel sorry for him, too bad I don't have any Ugly Betty friends to hook him up with.

So… I’ve learned an important lesson, and in a roundabout way, the people who advised me against the date were onto something. While many of you missed the mark when you wrote him off as a "jerk," or "playing me" (trust me, the only thing that guy knows how to play is Xbox lol), guys who act flaky are that way for a reason. He might be a "jerk" or “not into the girl.” Or... he just might be a socially inept, ubernerdy virgin who looks nothing like his pictures. Either way, I'm glad I didn't waste any lipgloss.

I kinda wish I’d asked him to sing “She Bangs”

Edited July 4, 2013 by Amethystic

July 4, 2013

It sounds like someone hasn't heard of PUA, particularly online.

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Male behavior/online dating - is he not that into me or am I being too harsh?

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