swazzzz Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It has been 28 days since we have broken up due to her parents not agreeing to let her marry me. I was obviously devastated but I saw it coming as the month before that she was under tremendous pressure and was increasingly cold towards me. She wanted to remain friends and I agreed but our conversations would always be very tense and would inevitably lead to a small row. I had surgery last Saturday and was surprised to not have her call me. She called me the next day and we spoke but I made it obvious that I was upset that she didn't call or message me. That led to an argument and didn't quite end smoothly. I stopped contact for 4 days till she texted me. I didn't reply to her then and wrote back after 24 hours, saying that I was busy with work. She was basically asking about my test and surgery results. I replied very politely and told her that am yet to receive them and would tell her once I did. I texted her the next evening saying that am still waiting for the results. And then I tried having a normal chat and I asked her if she would like to meet next weekend. She said she doesn't mind but will confirm later in the week. That was 3 days back and I have not made any contact with her. Now my question is rather obvious. My idea is to meet her, take her out for dinner and then talk to her about my wanting some time off and giving myself the space to grow. Basically tell her that I have to go NC for me to get over her. I want to do this face to face but tell me, if I need to do this at all or should I just continue the 3 day NC without telling her anything? If she contacts me for the weekend, what should be my move? It has been a bad week for me so far, I have been hyperventilating and anxious and missing her a lot. I'm reading this forum every day and it gives me strength. Please do help me in this decision making right now.
Legatus Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Why do you want to meet her? Do you want her to wait for you till you figure things out? Or perhaps you want her to to the same and realize that her parents can't decide for her?
pteromom Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 How old are you guys? If you love each other, I don't understand breaking up because her parents won't agree to let you get married. Unless you are 16 or something. But if breaking up is the only option, I agree that NC is the way to go. You can't get over her if you keep seeing her. I would tell her that is what you are doing, rather than leaving her confused and speculating.
Author swazzzz Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I am 25 and she is 24. We dated for 6 months and then she approached her parents and told them about me. Her parents want her to marry someone of their choice and she is not willing to go against them because it would create domestic tension and violence in her household. So she decided to break up and as much as it hurts me, I don't have a choice but to respect her decision. I want to meet her to tell her what I am going to do and see what her reaction is. Maybe she just needs to realize if she truly loves me or not and is worth to fight her family for me. It is my way of seeing if there is a chance or do I need to completely go NC with her. I love her and there is no doubt in my mind that she is the one I want to marry. But she also needs to feel strongly for me and I want to see if there is anything worth salvaging in this relationship or not. Any ideas?
CaliBabe Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Why do you need to schedule a meeting to tell someone you aren't talking to them anymore? You just go NC. Thats it. It's that simple. 2
Author swazzzz Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Somewhere I am thinking that if I don't formally tell her, then she won't really realize what I am doing. I basically don't want to be rude to her and want her to know that if she does change her mind, there is a way back in. If I just go NC, then is there a chance that she may get put off and completely stops giving it a shot? And yes, I also want her to realize that she owns her own life and that she cannot let her parents decide for her. As of now, she is blindly following what they are telling her to do which isn't ideal.
Legatus Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 If I were you I wouldn't meet her. She could give you a false impression that she indeed has control over her life, but it would be just a temporary thing. You can still let her know what you want to do, politely (I agree on that). And let her know that you are available to talk if at some point in her life she decides to be her own person without parents involvement. I think she will appreciate the fact that you can't make promises, but still informing her in a gentle way. However it's still her decision to be apart, the fact that she blindly listens to her parents is still her doing..
forgetmenot75 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Hey there You need to go go NC immediately. Stop texting her about your test results, I think its your excuse to keep talking to her. Also, you don't need to take her out for dinner to ask her time...wtf? She dumped you! It's she the one who doesn't want to be with you anymore, it's she the one who decided to not fight for your love. She's 24 yet she still let her parents decide for her...that's pretty sad. Do you want to be with someone who can't decide for herself? Just go NC and find someone mature enough to have a relationship with you.
flitzanu Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Somewhere I am thinking that if I don't formally tell her, then she won't really realize what I am doing. I basically don't want to be rude to her and want her to know that if she does change her mind, there is a way back in. If I just go NC, then is there a chance that she may get put off and completely stops giving it a shot? And yes, I also want her to realize that she owns her own life and that she cannot let her parents decide for her. As of now, she is blindly following what they are telling her to do which isn't ideal. no. you're not understanding what NC is. she dumped you, that means she gave up on your relationship. you're not obligated to tell her you're not speaking to her anymore. besides, being friends with her isn't going to change anything, and you taking "time off" certainly isn't going to change anything, especially since her parents are forbidding her to see you. no amount of "breakup time" will change that. go NC and find an adult that can make decisions without her parents influence on who she dates.
Author swazzzz Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 (edited) Well, just an update on my mental status right now. It's been 5 days of NC and I have managed to ward off the intense feelings of giving her a call or sending her a text. She hasn't contacted me either. Today though, I got back the results of my biopsy that I had got done 2 weeks back. Basically I have first stage lymphoma (mass behind my nose that is now cancerous) and I have to get it treated ASAP. I am shattered and completely lost. The only person I want to call right now is her and tell her about this devastating news. But then I sit back and think: is this going to do me any good? She will obviously sympathize but it's not going to get her back to me out of pity for me. That is not what I want right now. I want genuine emotion and caring from her end. Giving her this news may elicit some response but it may not last long. Should I tell her about this out of politeness or should I just deal with this on my own? She had asked me to tell her about the test results last week and she hasn't contacted me since. If I contact her, is that a sign of weakness? Am I trying to get a back door entry into her life by doing this? I am extremely low right now, I just want to hear her soothing words of comfort and care which I have missed. We broke up exactly a month ago to the day and it has been pretty bad. Please give me your thoughts. Edited July 3, 2013 by swazzzz Typo
Tenderheartbear Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I'm sorry to hear about your condition. If I were in your position, my main concern would be to take care of myself. Not thinking about an ex. She knows what you are going through and, honestly, if she really cares she will reach out to you for a status. You shouldn't be the one providing it to her. This whole issue is so far beyond her anyway. Don't you have family and other friends you can lean on for support?
Author swazzzz Posted July 10, 2013 Author Posted July 10, 2013 Hi all, After a week or so, she texts me and asks how I am doing. I tell her about me having stage 1 cancer and she flips out on me. She gets angry that I didn't even bother telling her and that I am not replying to her messages about asking how my surgery and my test results were. I try to keep it civil and tell her that I just didn't want her to worry and that what has happened to me isn't really pleasant so I didn't tell her. She is still mad but cools down. She then tells me that her parents are going out of town so we should meet up for dinner. I am inclined to do so because I miss her like crazy and just want to see her and talk to her. I don't know what that will bring but am thinking that if she is home alone, then maybe there are chances that after dinner she could suggest coming over. I'm not sure about this but I am willing to go over to her place and see where things go. Is this a good idea? She texted me last Saturday and I have had NC with her since then. If she contacts me this weekend and wants to meet up, what is the right thing to do? Should I listen to my little head or my big head?
CaliBabe Posted July 10, 2013 Posted July 10, 2013 If you think this meeting is her asking to make the relationship work you might be disappointed if that is not the case. Be prepared that she might still be keeping to her word and ending the relationship. In my experience and what I have read on here, it only sets you back to square one. Good luck.
flitzanu Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 Hi all, After a week or so, she texts me and asks how I am doing. I tell her about me having stage 1 cancer and she flips out on me. She gets angry that I didn't even bother telling her and that I am not replying to her messages about asking how my surgery and my test results were. I try to keep it civil and tell her that I just didn't want her to worry and that what has happened to me isn't really pleasant so I didn't tell her. She is still mad but cools down. She then tells me that her parents are going out of town so we should meet up for dinner. I am inclined to do so because I miss her like crazy and just want to see her and talk to her. I don't know what that will bring but am thinking that if she is home alone, then maybe there are chances that after dinner she could suggest coming over. I'm not sure about this but I am willing to go over to her place and see where things go. Is this a good idea? She texted me last Saturday and I have had NC with her since then. If she contacts me this weekend and wants to meet up, what is the right thing to do? Should I listen to my little head or my big head? everything you're saying sounds like "i'm hoping to go to her place and bang her". none of this is what you need. it sucks about the lymphoma, it truly does and i can't imagine how you feel, but she is not the person you need to be worrying about. you need to stick to people that care about you longterm, not the girl that dumped you weeks ago that suddenly feels bad because you have stage 1 lymphoma. never use sympathy for garnering interest from your ex. it's a human response to want to go to that person that you love the most that now doesn't want to be with you, trust me i've done it, but it's NOT what you need to do.
for666 Posted July 11, 2013 Posted July 11, 2013 continue NC you'r situation is 3'd wheel problem and she need to take control of her life (parents not accepting you and she agree with that, COME ON what is she 9?) until she wont destroy that circle of her parents controlling her decision you gonna get drug'd with the relationship and suffer are you masochist? if it was you in her shoes what have you done? if you loved her strong ...? think about that concept and do NC heal if she want's back she gonna flip the world for you until than just move on noting can be done and no move here is need'd accept NC
Author swazzzz Posted July 14, 2013 Author Posted July 14, 2013 So here is an update. Much to my surprise and eventual hurt, she did not contact me over the weekend so all the plans of going over to her place obviously did not materialize. I guess this is the final nail in the coffin. I am feeling a bit lost and not sure what to do right now. I guess I should take the hint that I should move on fully now. Was honestly hoping that this time when she would be home alone, there would be a chance of rekindling the relationship. Not happening I guess. It hurts but I've anyway been on NC for 10 days now so it is not as bad as I expected it to be. I am flying to Amsterdam, Prague and Croatia on Tuesday for 2 weeks. Lets hope that this is a new beginning for me. I just have one question: during this holiday, I may have occasional periods of break down when I will miss her terribly. What is the best way to not be a spoil sport in front of my friends and not think of her at all?
JDPT Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 No need to make so many arrangements, continue NC and move along with your life if that's what you desire which is sounds like it's what you want and perhaps need at this moment in your life.
flitzanu Posted July 14, 2013 Posted July 14, 2013 So here is an update. Much to my surprise and eventual hurt, she did not contact me over the weekend so all the plans of going over to her place obviously did not materialize. I guess this is the final nail in the coffin. I am feeling a bit lost and not sure what to do right now. I guess I should take the hint that I should move on fully now. Was honestly hoping that this time when she would be home alone, there would be a chance of rekindling the relationship. Not happening I guess. It hurts but I've anyway been on NC for 10 days now so it is not as bad as I expected it to be. I am flying to Amsterdam, Prague and Croatia on Tuesday for 2 weeks. Lets hope that this is a new beginning for me. I just have one question: during this holiday, I may have occasional periods of break down when I will miss her terribly. What is the best way to not be a spoil sport in front of my friends and not think of her at all? make a plan with your friends to punch you in the balls whenever you mention her name or start moping. that will keep you in good spirits.
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