Cultural differences in dating #2

[AsonUnique]

I made a post about a month ago about some questions I had with dating a Chinese girl. Now I've gone on a date with another Chinese girl, and they seem to think nothing of dating multiple guys at the same time. There's nothing wrong with dating around, but there's one that I've been on 8+ dates with now and I'm getting to the point where if she wants to keep dating other guys, I'll just let her do that and go find someone else to date.

 

So I did go on a date with another Chinese girl last week and she's already been on a couple of dates with another guy, but wants to get to know me too. No biggie, but I'm worried I'll be getting into the same situation. This new girl was very apologetic when we discussed it, telling me to let her know of any "rules" for dating in the US that she isn't familiar with. I let her know she's done nothing wrong, and I plan on talking to her about my experience with this other girl to give her a better understanding of my concerns.

 

Basically, I don't want to waste my time. I'm looking for a relationship. I don't want to have to give a girl an ultimatum that she date me and nobody else or we don't date at all, but at what point does the dating around stuff have to stop? I mean, with the first girl we make out and act as if we are an exclusive couple. If she's doing this with other guys, fine, but I'm not going to continue it.

 

I'm really confused today. I've met other Chinese girls, my best friend is dating a Chinese girl and they went exclusive pretty fast, so I realize this isn't how ALL Chinese girls go about dating.

 

The new one wants to meet up tonight, tho she just had a date with the other guy yesterday. The girl I've been dating called me first thing this morning and I've yet to call her back, I'm thinking she might want to hang out tonight also. I've been honest with them and will tell them when i go on a date with the other...and basically if one wants to date me exclusively, they will have to stop dating other guys. (tho I'll give the new girl more time b/c I've only met her once...it's the first girl that I'm sorta at a crossroads with)

 

Am I being selfish? If so, I'm fine with my selfish-ness. Some girl I stopped texting and never actually met popped up out of nowhere and trashed me via text b/c I was texting her and her cousin. (I never got around to meeting either one in person) This girl was clearly wrong, but made me feel like the biggest player. This girl would go nuts if I was doing what some of these girls I've dated are doing.

 

Sorry for the rambling, but it shows how confused I am about this whole situation...

Edited July 1, 2013 by AsonUnique

[pteromom]

I've been honest with them and will tell them when i go on a date with the other...and basically if one wants to date me exclusively, they will have to stop dating other guys. (tho I'll give the new girl more time b/c I've only met her once...it's the first girl that I'm sorta at a crossroads with)

 

Am I being selfish?

 

No, it sounds reasonable to me. No need to be exclusive with someone who isn't exclusive with you.

 

And I agree with you that 8 dates is enough to know if you want to be exclusive with someone or not. I think you should talk to her and ask her what she wants the relationship to be. That is, if you like her enough to move forward with you.

[soccerrprp]

I have an insight and questions.

 

Asian women, depending upon how Americanized they are, value status, in my experience. So, are these girls more traditional or more Americanized? Is your guy friend established financially, professionally?

 

I know that I may be stereo-typing here, but there is a different emphasis when looking for a mate from culture to culture.

 

This could explain why, after a few dates, they do not commit. They are still searching for a more successful partner. I don't know. I don't want to assume too much here.

 

Just a thought....

[Phantom888]

Don't date a culture that you don't understand. The Chinese girls who multi-date are giving you absolute BS. Chinese women do NOT believe in mult-dating because it is viewed as trashy and trampy. This isn't a cultural difference in your case. These women are just non-committal types. My suggestion: stop dating chinese girls because you don't really understand their ways.

[AsonUnique]

To try and make this more clear, I'll address the girl I've been dating as girl #1 and the new girl as #2...not to devalue them or anything...just for clarity.

 

Soccerrprp: Girl #1 has been in the US for about 9 years. She comes from a wealthy family in China and she has done well for herself here in the US. I have a nice career and make a decent enough living to support myself, but she clearly earns a lot more than me.

Girl #2 has only been in the US for about 5 months. She's in an MBA program. I've had a second date with her and got a much better understanding of her. I took too long to ask her on a date so she went on a date with another guy. (we texted/called for about a month and a half before meeting) I didn't want to go on a date with her since i was going on dates with Girl #1...but after 8+ dates, figured it's time to try a date with someone new.

 

I explained my situation and all of my concerns to #2, she was very understanding and she felt bad even though I told her she did nothing wrong. She said that she really likes me and doesn't have those feelings for the other guy she went on a date with. She's leaving for NYC tomorrow, so we plan on seeing each other as soon as she gets back...I'm leaning towards dating her tbh.

 

As I've slightly pulled away from Girl #1, she is now seeming to want more. I've talked to her a few times about my issue with her dating others after we've had plenty of dates to get to know each other. She says she is too busy to date others, yet she was still on the dating site as of last week according to my friend. She's a different kind of girl and I realize being Chinese doesn't have much to do with it. She's very career-focused and likes to stay constantly busy...taking dance classes and earning her pilot license, she's a very motivated person. She said she's going to write me an e-mail to explain more about her b/c she feels we have miscommunication somewhere, and that I just need to get to know her better to understand her. Maybe, but regardless, 8+ dates is enough to at least stop dating others for the time being and see what we have. Her parents are here for 2 months from China, so I met her mother and she really likes me. I'm positive that this girl is really into me, probably more now than ever...I think since I've mentioned dating others it's kind of changed her thinking...put pressure on her. I'm not waiting anymore tho, and it may already be too late for her to make this decision.

 

As for my friend and his Chinese girlfriend, they break any theories about status. My friend is basically unemployed. He sells seeds for gardening online to make a little money, but he lives in her house and she totally supports them financially.

 

So basically, Girl #1 is use to being pampered and status is important to a point, but I'm no wealthy guy and she's still really into me. I think she'll be quite upset if I decide to stop seeing her for the other girl. She's gone from rarely texting in the beginning to now calling me every night and wanting to see me more often. I'm confused as to why she's so hesitant to simply put aside dating others for the time being, and I don't know if she even is going on dates with others...but I feel that I've given her lots of time to decide if we're going to be exclusive or not and she may have waited too long..

 

Girl #2 is a real sweetie. She's much more down to earth, says please and thank you, offers to pay for our meals...I think she may be a better fit for me, but we've only had a couple short dates, so we still have a lot to learn about each other.

 

And Phantom, Girl #1 may very well be feeding me BS and disguising it as misunderstanding her, but out of all the Chinese girls I've met - out of ALL the girls I've ever met - she's truly different and I'm not going to write off this other girl or all Chinese/foreign girls because of the actions of one.

I realize my original post lumped these two girls in as being similar, but that was my mistake that I realized after I had a second date with #2.

 

Thanks for the feedback everyone! It always helps to come here and bounce my thoughts off everyone.

[Arabella]

Girl #1 is use to being pampered and status is important to a , point, but I'm no wealthy guy and she's still really into me. I think she'll be quite upset if I decide to stop seeing her for the other girl. She's gone from rarely texting in the beginning to now calling me every night and wanting to see me more often. I'm confused as to why she's so hesitant to simply put aside dating others for the time being, and I don't know if she even is going on dates with others...but I feel that I've given her lots of time to decide if we're going to be exclusive or not and she may have waited too long..

 

Girl #2 is a real sweetie. She's much more down to earth, says please and thank you, offers to pay for our meals...I think she may be a better fit for me, but we've only had a couple short dates, so we still have a lot to learn about each other.

 

You have a few options here...

 

1) Assert yourself to Girl #1 and ask her to start seeing you exclusively. If she agrees, there you go. If she doesn't, you walk.

 

2) You dump Girl #1 since you've already given her enough time, and focus on getting to know #2.

 

3) Dump both, and find Girl #3, who will hopefully be more compatible with you.

 

 

Remember that expecting Girl #1 to date you exclusively also means you gotta give up Girl #2... are you ready to do that? Perhaps you should just play it by ear for now. Who knows, Girl #2 might end up appealing to you more, from the sounds of it.

 

-A

[clia]

Girl #1 has every right to date others until the two of you are exclusive. I'm not sure why you think it has anything to do with her being Chinese. A lot of girls will multi-date until they are exclusive with one guy. Do you want to be in an exclusive relationship with her? If so, why haven't you asked her to be exclusive? I think it's a little strange that you are just expecting her to stop seeing anyone else when you haven't made any kind of commitment. But oh...you are multi-dating also.

 

So, what's the problem again? If you like Girl 1, ask her to be exclusive. If you aren't ready for that yet, then both of you can continue to date other people, as you are doing now.

 

Basically, I don't want to waste my time. I'm looking for a relationship. I don't want to have to give a girl an ultimatum that she date me and nobody else or we don't date at all, but at what point does the dating around stuff have to stop? I mean, with the first girl we make out and act as if we are an exclusive couple. If she's doing this with other guys, fine, but I'm not going to continue it.

 

This is why you have a conversation with her and ask her to be exclusive. It's not giving an ultimatum -- it's the normal part of the process when you are establishing a new relationship.

 

I'm really confused today. I've met other Chinese girls, my best friend is dating a Chinese girl and they went exclusive pretty fast, so I realize this isn't how ALL Chinese girls go about dating.

 

It's because it has nothing to do with her being Chinese and everything to do with the fact that the two of you are not exclusive.

[dizy]

Don't date a culture that you don't understand. The Chinese girls who multi-date are giving you absolute BS. Chinese women do NOT believe in mult-dating because it is viewed as trashy and trampy. This isn't a cultural difference in your case. These women are just non-committal types. My suggestion: stop dating chinese girls because you don't really understand their ways.

 

While what you say is true, there is also a huge pressure on getting married when you are still desirable from an age perspective. It's much harder to find a mate once passed a certain age in some cultures. Maybe it has to do with the fact that older women are less fertile, and that kids are such an important part of marriage/family for those cultures. That could be the reason why she was dating multiple people so she can find someone that is ready to settle.

[dizy]

OP, stop trying to stereotyping (not in a negative way) chinese or foreign women. Women are women, end of story. Girl 1 has been in US for 9 years, yes, she might have retained some of her heritage and values, but there's no reason for you to treat her differently than anyone that you would be dating. Girl 2 has been in the US for 5 months, there might be cultural differences, but those differences will always be there. While it's important to be considerate and open minded during a relationship, cultural differences are still differences. Just like different personalities or different levels of openness about sexuality, they are important factors to consider.

 

Why do you want to be exclusive with a girl that you have dated 5 times? Just because she is sweet with a stranger (yes you are a stranger to her) doesn't mean that she is a good gf or will be a good wife.

[AsonUnique]

Nice summary Arabella, that's basically what it boils down to. Since I've been open and honest with both girls, I feel that I am prepared to eventually let one or the other down. Girl 2 understands I've been dating girl 1 and it's at a stalemate, girl 1 knows I've started dating girl 2. Girl 1 is now a little more clingy and wants to "let me know her better." That's basically what she's said whenever I brought up being exclusive.

 

Clia, maybe I wasn't clear b/c I was rambling, but I have talked to girl #1 about being exclusive...I've brought it up at least 3 times now. She DOES have every right to date around until we're exclusive, which is why I'm at this point. We've been dating for a month and a half and by my standards, it's enough time to decide. SHE'S the one that has said her traditional Chinese ways are why she's taking it slow. I'm fine with taking it slow, we have taken it slow, but I'm just at a point where it bothers me if she's going out with other guys and making out with them like she is with me. Idk if she's even doing that, but I'd rather not have to worry about that at all.

 

So the problem is that I HAVE talked to girl #1 about being exclusive and she gives vague responses about me needing to know her better. Idk what you mean by I haven't shown her any kind of commitment... I drive to the city (40 min) to see her twice a week and have done all I can to show her I care. She knows I do. We talk about this stuff. Sometimes I feel like she just wants me as a boy toy tho.

 

Also, I'm only multi-dating now because I've reached my limit with waiting for a relationship with girl #1. Somehow I didn't make that clear in all that writing above I suppose. Both girls know that I've been on dates with the other, I'm not trying to hide anything.

 

Dizy, I realize this is not how all Chinese women date. When i first made the post, I had my experience with girl #1 and was just planning a second date with girl #2, and that second date shed a lot of light on the difference between the two girls. I know that not all girls of any culture are the same. I wish I could change the name of this thread b/c it's moved beyond the cultural questions I had.

 

I've been on about 8 or more dates with girl #1 over a span of a month and a half. I've been on two dates with girl #2 within the past week. I'm not ready to be exclusive with girl #2, if that's who you meant by "girl you have dated 5 times." We have a lot of learning about each other to do still. It's girl #1 I feel that I know well enough, but this hesitance to be exclusive is quickly pushing me away.

[Els]

I'm very sure that their multi-dating has everything to do with their individual preferences and nothing to do with them being Chinese.

 

Most traditional Chinese I know don't multi-date.

[Appleness]

OP, stop trying to stereotyping (not in a negative way) chinese or foreign women. Women are women, end of story. Girl 1 has been in US for 9 years, yes, she might have retained some of her heritage and values, but there's no reason for you to treat her differently than anyone that you would be dating. Girl 2 has been in the US for 5 months, there might be cultural differences, but those differences will always be there. While it's important to be considerate and open minded during a relationship, cultural differences are still differences. Just like different personalities or different levels of openness about sexuality, they are important factors to consider.

 

Why do you want to be exclusive with a girl that you have dated 5 times? Just because she is sweet with a stranger (yes you are a stranger to her) doesn't mean that she is a good gf or will be a good wife.

 

^^^This

 

Try not to see them as Chinese women and more just women in general.

 

From the way you're telling the story, aren't you multi-dating as well? I'm not passing judgment here (at a certain age you do what we do because we feel the pressure of just finding someone) but as the others mentioned, it is actually encouraged (via dating sites and pretty much everyone I've spoken to under 40) to multi-date due to efficiency. People have a tendency to unfold over time. Most people will not give you a second chance after you blow them off as the "efficient" thing to do is to stay the course til your paths diverge.

 

That being said, the girl who won't commit after you asked to be exclusive is holding out for something better. You are obviously not her first choice. Maybe not even second. If that doesn't sit well with you, end it. The other girl is still getting to know you and is probably smart to take things slow. That phantom girl should not even be mentioned (you should have just forgotten her and moved on).

 

Don't compare your situation with your friend's situation. His Chinese girlfriend is not your Chinese girlfriend just as you are not your friend. Everyone is unique and how people react to conflicts and situations is based on personal experiences and their own character, not ethnicity. Learn from your dating mistakes and don't make generalizations. If you have certain issues that you don't like with the individual, then address them. They then have the choice to either change it, or you move on. Never make assumptions like "Oh, the last Chinese girl did X so when I date this new Chinese girl, she'll be the same way." Thoughts like that aren't fair to you or her.

[Philosopher]

I'm very sure that their multi-dating has everything to do with their individual preferences and nothing to do with them being Chinese.

 

Most traditional Chinese I know don't multi-date.

 

I agree with Elswyth. You can not really assume all women of a particular nationality will behave in a certain way just because of their nationality. There will be some Chinese women who are fine with multi-dating and others who see it as completely wrong, just like there would be with American or British women.

[tbf]

So confused. You're multidating and don't want to commit to exclusivity but have issues with multidating women?

[AsonUnique]

Sorry everyone, I'm trying to be clear in my posts...and failing miserably.

 

re: multi-dating...

My stance, just how I choose to go about dating, is to only multi-date at most during the first 2 or maybe 3 dates with someone. After a few dates, I can determine if there's a good enough match for a possible relationship. From there, I'd stop dating any others and focus on that one best match. Ideally, I'd rather neither person be dating someone else, but I realize that isn't always possible.

 

In this case, I've been on 9 or more dates now w/ Girl 1 (we met last night for fireworks) and I only went out with Girl #2 after giving Girl #1 at least 8 dates and I directly talked to her about being exclusive, why she still feels the need to be on the dating site, and let her know that I'll be going on dates with someone else since we're not on the same level after a month and a half of dating.

 

I'm not trying to generalize all Chinese women, it's Girl #1 that said her traditional ways are why we're not exclusive yet. Like I said to Dizy in my previous post, "I realize this is not how all Chinese women date." I also agree with you Elswyth, each person is unique and should be treated as so.

 

Girl 1 may be the first girl that I'm initially attracted to more for her drive and personality. I've never dated someone so career/self-improvement-driven. If she's not working, she's taking a class to learn a new skill or networking with college students/chancellors to help Chinese students transfer to the US...it seems her only down-time is the time she spends with me. Also, her parents are visiting and living with her for 2 months from China. So she says that she's too busy for other guys.

Last night I went to Navy Pier for the fireworks, didn't plan on meeting her b/c she was with her parents at a BBQ, but she made a special trip and then walked a mile just to see me for 15 mins before we left. Now that I'm pulling away, she really seems to be reaching out more. She use to not text or call much, now she has to talk to me before bed every night. I think she sees that I'm serious about being at a crossroads/breaking point. She's now openly talking about wanting to get physical...we're very comfortable with each other. She doesn't come off as a dishonest person either, but if I'm not her first choice or there's something I'm missing that she wants, she's not letting me know.

 

Appleness, I think you misunderstood when you said I should forget about the phantom girl. I was replying to the poster named Phantom888 and was referring to Girl 1. There's no phantom girl.

 

So let me try to summarize where I'm at. I fully understand that not all Chinese women, nor all women/people of any particular culture date the same way. That topic has been put to rest. I guess I'm just wondering what you all would do in a similar situation with the information given the best I can convey in a forum...

 

After around 9 or 10 dates and a month and a half of dating, if a guy/girl is still on the dating site daily, doesn't want to be exclusive yet/wants you to continue to be patient, and there's another possible match/dating option available, would you cut it off with person 1 and pursue person 2?

 

Would you just have sex with person 1 and see where it goes...since that's the only clear thing they want so far? I'd have to immediately stop seeing girl 2 if that were the case. I'd rather give girl 2 a try than just have basically a FWB setup with girl 1.

 

So I'm still leaning towards putting focus on Girl 2 and letting Girl 1 just find someone else with more patience than me. Girl 2 is in NY for the weekend. I'd like to make a decision after this upcoming 3rd date with her late next week. I have no plans set to see Girl 1 in the meantime.