Im trying to understand how to pinpoint issues with my wife, this will be long

[SteelersFan]

Hi everyone, just made an account for this to basically see if I can identify more of what im dealing with my wife. We been together since 05 and married since 07.

 

This is more about her quick fuse, quick to snap at me, quick to expect everything sort of done the way her mind thinks it should be done, or more or less like a situation of walking on eggshells around her. But keep in mind this is not just me, shes like this with my parents as well and they bend over backwards for her...so just keep that in mind as I explain this.

 

Basically my wife can make a mountain of a mole hill, and its like we end up sometimes squabbling over nothing...and it can happen at any point. We could have a great evening and come night time if were talking about something and I say something wrong, she will raise her tone and snap at me. It is an issue that has been a problem since the first day we met.

 

I always feel like I have to explain myself or im always trying to smooth over situations, it can be anything...and I am having a hard time thinking of direct situations since it happens so much.

 

But its things like even if me, her and my parents are sitting together and talking and someone says things that she isn't happy with, she will go into a shut down mode and sit there and give one word answers and think this is simply ok to do.

 

See she feels that so what someone gets irritated, she has that right. Which sure, I agree but I don't feel it should be directed at me, or my parents.

 

See im a very laid back guy...not to the point of being a pushover, but I don't want to fight...I want to keep the peace. So I don't make deals over nothing, I pick and choose my battles...and they are pretty far in between. Like I always tell my parents that I couldn't get away with even half the things she gets upset about, it wouldn't fly...because the minute I might say something its "oh wow youre so overreacting"...OR...if I do have a problem with something and maybe I do have a moment of irritation, she will just be cutesy about it and play it off like "ops im sorry"...and I let it pass, and its forgotten in a few minutes.

 

But that's why this whole thing is so frustrating because shes not really a joy to be around, she is and can be but it can change on a dime.

 

See it feels like if in her mind she has something thought out, if you say anything that is out of line of what shes thinking something should be like, it gives her reason to flare up, and snap in a tone that makes you feel like you've done something wrong.

 

I always feel like im doing something wrong. But its not like she is verbally calling me names, its like in that middle ground where shes not screaming at the top of her lungs or anything but its that tone, that snapping that is so hard to handle because its not attractive at all to me.

 

So as im typing ive remembered a few situations that help show what im talking about it. For instance, in our hallway my wife put a little tray and that's where she designated for keys, wallet etc...and ok im doing my best to make sure I put my keys there, but sometimes id just come in and put them on the table or coffee table. She comes home from work and within minutes is holding the keys out and saying "come on, you WERE doing good with this"...and will just walk over to the tray and put them there with such disgust.

 

Or heres one...near the kitchen we have tall shelf thing with a basket at the bottom where she puts waters, G2s etc...and theres been a few times where maybe during lunch im home and I would pull the basket out just a corner to grab one but I would forget to put the basket back into proper place. And she came home once and then stops and I don't remember the wording but just looked at it and then looked at me and was like "really? Why cant you put it back, why do you do that?"....and im just like wow im sorry I totally didn't think of it and I forgot...it just slipped my mind. And again making me feel like im a kid, I did something wrong here.

 

But see I could handle it if the tone is right. "oh hey baby, can you push that basket in please?".....and sure I would! But its that instant I did something wrong.

 

Another small stupid example, I would do the dishes and get them loaded into the dish washer. Shed come home and within minutes id hear "BABE, BABE! I told you to run the dishwasher on low, it doesn't NEED to be set on normal wash!"...

 

And then again im annoyed to all hell, and I have to explain that I just don't really care or think about such minute things when im doing dishes or something. I mean yes she has this opinion that is what it needs run on, but I want to run it on normal..i mean to me its like when she does it run it on low, and when I do them ill run them on what I want...but at least be happy that I did them, am I right? Or am I totally off base?

 

This is the stuff were talking about. But it can be anything, I really could sit here all day and think of situations but that's what im talking about. Now like I said we plug along, because im not a grudge holder so I can just forget about things and when she comes home be fine and want a nice evening. Its just it always is there and can always happen. She doesn't pick and choose her battles, its sort of whatever she feels she wants to snap about, she does.

 

But she has been like this since day 1...and its one of those where she feels that being upset or having a temper or that she is allowed to get upset and im benig sensitive or that my parents and I must of never got upset in our time....but that's not the problem, im ok with people getting upset but im on the same team, don't direct it at the people who are there for you. Does that make sense? Isnt that how it should be?

 

See that's how I am, I don't direct my annoyances or frustrations at her I do it together and include her for help, to be the person I go to. But im always on the defense, trying to smooth things over or explain myself, its more like walking on eggshells.

 

Now when it comes to me though this is a known issue, she cant stand that im at this point out of shape. I used to lift and always be in shape but when we bought this house, and add in other things like all my friends just stopping EVERYTHING in life with sports and going to the gym with me...it all caught up to me and I got out of shape. Ive admitted this and ive vowed to fix it and I currently am. But does this merit someone treating someone like this? Does it give her the right or is it justifiable? Im gonna say no, but maybe some would disagree.

 

But to further show what im dealing with is like this, I lift at the gym but I said lets get some cardio in and go for some walks down at the park. "Babe! I don't like that park...you can go by yourself there because I don't like that park".....and then commence the squabble where im trying to explain to her that look if im gonna do this please just assist me. She doesn't like the park because there aren't any slopes and I really like the park because its scenic, has a nice creek running through it, it makes cardio enjoyable for me. But no...its a small battle.

 

Or even like this with my mom, my mother is starting to get a more stronger side of her with some things. My mom is fairly quick to throw things away If they are in the fridge after a few days and my wife is a bit more acceptable of food that is in there a bit. Its just how my mom is, shes 56...shes just set in her way. Ok so my wife has starting to just make her feel guilty, its slightly like in a joking manner but its starting to not feel like it when shes like "you threw that away?!?!"....and its all the time, its just that feeling of I did something wrong.

 

I know these are small instances, but think of full days...its this kind of stuff nonstop.

 

But theres more too it all like shes just not a person with tons of compassion, she has strong opinions about everything. She isn't really warm, my mom buys her things and she wont even reach out to give my mom a hug. And my mom doesn't get it or understand it since shes just so good to my wife, so good to her...there is absolutely nothing she doesn't do for her.

 

I been typing this throughout the morning so more things pop into my mind that I remember and am just trying to use so people get a grander picture. Like when we were dating, early early on. Shed come over after work and I would order food. I ordered chicken salads once and I always get extra chicken for the protein....but I just totally didn't think to ask her if she wants extra chicken. So when she got there she noticed that I had more and was PO'd that I didn't order her or ask her if she wanted it.

 

Then a few days later we picked up shrimp cocktail and I had a couple extra when she wasn't there and we had ourselves a huge argument over it.

 

Now its not AS extreme anymore. That was immature and shes not that extreme so don't take that the wrong way, but it still is the same premise at times with the things shes upset about.

 

Ill continue more if I can get some input, but ill leave it at that for now.

 

Edit: Why is this site not letting me write "help me" in the title?

[Balzac]

I'm not sure what your question is but I'll comment.

 

Firstly you had red flags but married her anyway. Sucks for you. She's not capable nor motivated to modify her behavior. You're "walking on eggshells" needs to end but that'd result in a divorce. What exactly are you wanting ??

 

Honestly, I'm not sure how or why you are still married to the woman.

[SteelersFan]

I'm not sure what your question is but I'll comment.

 

Firstly you had red flags but married her anyway. Sucks for you. She's not capable nor motivated to modify her behavior. You're "walking on eggshells" needs to end but that'd result in a divorce. What exactly are you wanting ??

 

Honestly, I'm not sure how or why you are still married to the woman.

 

Because in the midst of a lot of it, theres good things. That's why I said its a middle zone, its in a weird situation where I don't know exactly how to define it.

 

I mean the easy way out is dirvoce, sure. But that's not what I want...I would love to fix this, but am I looking at something that can be fixed? Am I dealing with a girl that has some big time emotional problems?

 

Theres a lot more too it. I love and care about her, I don't want to divoce...at least not quite yet, im just looking for possible input from those who may of been in a similar boat. Im just trying to figure out how to at least pinpoint what it is. Like for instance if someone said that is a classic case of controlling passive aggressive behavior and ive experienced it, then I can at least understand what im dealing with and try to at least put forth the effort to help her see what she is doing is causing a lot of unneeded stress.

[Balzac]

Yeah LS has tons of guys who've married/bred with personality disordered women. They, similar to you, bargained their way through it.

You might look up personality disorders, but I'd get yourself counseling.

You are an equal contributor as you're trying to fix another person. That's on you.

[pteromom]

You have to quit engaging in arguments with her. It takes two to argue.

 

You want to go to the scenic park? Then go. If she wants to go, great. If not, take your iPod and enjoy some alone time.

 

You want to run the dishwasher on normal? Then do it. When she complains, listen to her, tell her you prefer to run it on normal, and don't engage in more arguments about it. If it bothers her enough, she'll make sure you aren't doing the dishes. LOL

 

You have to work on not having the emotional reaction to her snapping, and not letting HER define who you are. You say that the way she acts makes you feel badly, and feel like you are doing something wrong.

 

You need to realize that her issues do not have to be your issues. Sure, try to remember to put your keys in the bowl. But if you forget, that doesn't mean you are a bad person, and if she gets angry over something so trivial, that's not YOUR problem.

 

You may want to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It's a really good book, even if your situation may not technically be verbal abuse. Good tools in there. Also, bpdfamily.com has great resources to learn how to create and enforce personal boundaries, even if your wife isn't BPD, which she may be.

[Janesays]

In a calm voice:

 

"Honey, when you speak to me in that tone of voice, it hurts my feelings."

 

Then NO MATTER what she says or how she tries to justify it, repeat: "Honey, when you speak to me in that tone of voice, it hurts my feelings."

 

If it starts to escalate, say, "I think we're having trouble communicating in a positive way. Perhaps a marriage counselor can help us."

 

Then set the appointment and bring her along.