Long Distance into Break

[MikeRoss]

Hey everyone,

 

first of all I would like to say that I'm happy that there is a platform like this where I can express my feelings and get advice in a relatively anonymous way.

 

Before I get to the point a little info about who I am and how it started and who she is/was,

 

I am a 25 year old engineering student and model at Abercrombie & Fitch, I started two companies in the last 2 years and I'm a pretty confident person with a wide social network. (which makes the step of writing here even harder, because I'd never thought I'd do this).

 

My (ex)girlfriend is also a model but in a different range, she's a professional international model which resulted in a long distance relationship.

 

We've met in the south of france while we both are from other countries on a night, and from there on it has been like in the movies, everything perfect.

I've been single (by choice) for 6 years and then I met the woman of my life.

 

I know there are a lot of treads like this, but I wanted to make a new one to make it more personal.

 

We've been flying back and forth to our homecountries every 6-7 weeks for the last 8 months, and it was like a dream come true to be in a relationship with a beautiful smart and sweet girl like her. I'm obviously still head over heels.

 

The problem occured 2 weeks ago, I started getting (out of the blue) far less text messages than usual like 1 message for 2 days.

I did'nt want to act weak and make a problem out of it by text or email as she was coming to visit me in 1 week.

Now last week I get her at the airport and I instantly felt she was more distant than she used to be, I was alarmed but tought to myself she's probably just tired from the flight. We get to bed, no sex, just sleep (which sucked). Next day we wake up as a normal couple, I hug her we kiss we shower we have sex we have lunch go do stuff etc etc.. and we were (almost) back on track after 2 days.

Now on the 3rd night, when we get to bed and I want to have sex with her she says that we'd probably better get to sleep. This alarmed me alot. I started asking if everything was alright and then I got it.. even tough I asked her 2 times the day before if everything was ok and she said yes and even said she loved me after having sex.

 

She began saying she is unsure about her feelings for me and that she doubts our relationship, that she feels far less attracted to me than she used to (I put on 2 kg but that is not like a physical disaster for most of us..)

She than said that if she doubts now she will doubt later and that it is not healthy for our relationship.

I told her that there are always ups and downs in relationships especially LD. And that maybe her "being in love" changed to actual love.

Than she said she didn't know if she loved me or knew what love was at all..

We talked for hours but it always ended up in her being unsure about her feelings, not attracted as she used to. I got the it's not you it's me speech too. She says I'm very rare and incredible guy, but nothing that actually matters because she still wanted to kind of break up.

I told her that I was disapointed in her and she was a chicken for breaking up on the first 'trouble' or 'down moment' we have.

I've invested time, money and energy in this relationship because I know that she's the one..

You guys probably think like he's young and in love and blablabla yes true, but I know she is the one. There were too many coincidences too many signs and the feeling was instantly right.

 

I dropped her off at the station 2 days ago so she could go to her castings and shoots in another country.

She said she would write me a mail to explain all her feelings as she needs to think it over and write em down so she can express them better.

 

I told her I hope we can get stronger out of this as a couple and she said she hoped so too.

 

So here I am, stuck and depressed of losing the love of my life.

Yes I put my focus on other things and keep busy, hitting the gym alot, studying, working.. I'm filling up my days anyways.

 

But I don't know how to get her feelings back on track if I won't see her for at least a month, and if I do what I should tell her when and how.

I know it's not possible but I pray to all that is possible someone can give me a handbook on how to get her back.

I've done anything a man can for a woman (without throwing me at her feet, but just as a man that loves his girl).

We talked alot about moving in together next year and we were both excited about it..

 

Also an important point, she "breaks up" with me 2 weeks after turning fulltime model..

 

I'm lost, help me find my way please

[justwhoiam]

Hi Mike,

 

I don't know what's going on with her... it could be due to a number of reasons and mine would be just some wild guess.

 

But the best advice is: think of when you first met her and how you got her attracted to you. What happened? What did you do? Call to mind the first weeks with her and early stages you went through. And see what you did that you probably stopped doing.

 

What most guys do after the early stages is they start getting comfortable and they don't court their girlfriend anymore.

 

You probably didn't keep the spark alive in your relationship. You wanted to come across as cool and confident by being careless not hearing from her in 2 days, but a girl might start thinking: what am I doing? I could get hit by car and he wouldn't even know... (that's just a stretch I know, but it serves the purpose in showing you that you need to keep in touch constantly, and keep some sexual tension too).

 

So start thinking back, reading about how to keep the spark alive and keep the sensual tension/attraction high at all times.

 

Write a new post in here to update us.

[CherryT]

Well a few things stick out...

 

1) You said she breaks up with you almost immediately after she becomes a full-time model. A lot of people who transition into full-time work can't handle both. If she's never had a schedule like that, she's probably trying to juggle a relationship and her work. Unfortunately in situations like this, it just shows what is priority. She could've just lost it for you and thought she'd better invest most of her time in her career versus being tied down to you. I say you because sometimes that's just what it is... she didn't see enough value in the relationship to endure a LDR.

 

2) Similar to what justwhoiam said, is there something that you stopped doing to make her feel that she might be better off single than being with you? In a LDR, because you don't see each other often, communication is so much more important. Did you stop sending her little love notes etc? Going 2 days without talking in a LDR is too much, I think. That could've showed her that you just weren't into it, even though your intentions was to not be weak.

 

3) Just in general... games don't work in the best of local relationships and it sure as hell doesn't work in LDR. If you want this girl and haven't expressed your deepest feelings to her, I would do that. I wouldn't sound desperate or beg but just tell her how you feel and how you want to make it work because you have strong feelings for her. If she doesn't respond well to it, then unfortunately she just might be done.

[MikeRoss]

Hey guys,

 

thank you so much for answering and caring about someone you basically don't know.

 

Well if I'm completely honest I called her less and skyped less because I wanted to feel loved instead of always having to do the first step, obviously I'd do it for the rest of my life if I knew that she's break up for it..

I am an extremely busy guy and that's why LD was perfect for us, because we were both busy and when we would meet up we would cancel on everything to see eachother.

 

I just had a really hard break up 6 years ago where I throwed me 100% into something and that's why I'm holding back on doing everything in my relationships now.

 

When we talked about the break up from 1 in the morning till 6 I said everything I felt, everything I tried not to cry but the emotions were too much and eventually the tears began to roll and hers too. So I'm confident that I said everything there was to say and expressed everything I felt till the last detail. I went trough how I was disappointed in her not fighting for us as what I felt and what she meant to me and where I wanted this relationship to go and telling her I wanted to fight for us because we both knew till 1 month ago that this was the real deal.

 

Something I forgot to mention is that during the day after we had the talk, I came home and she kissed me, this gave me hope. When I got home again after leaving for mandatory business I asked her why she did that, and she answered that it was to see if she would get the feeling back, and she said it didn't like she'd expect.

 

So now I deleted her phone number because I don't want to text her when I'm drunk or sad or just desperate. So FB is all that remains as a way to contact. When leaving her at the train station she said she would write me a mail.. should I wait for that mail or give myself a deadline to write her an email if she doesn't? (isn't this like forcing her hand?)

 

We met in a nightclub on a model party on the beach, and then a friend of mine (DJ) booked her for a videoclip in Ibiza where I was at the same moment and hanging out together gave us the opportunity to talk about our vision of life.

And we were both completely amazed that we had the same thoughts and vision of life, like constantly improving ourselves and following signs in life and believing in faith.

 

I certainly don't want to brag about this but she also felt for my intellect, she was amazed about the model/engineer combo and she'd hang to my lips about everything I said on sience (like lying on the beach looking at the stars and explaining her how it works in easy words).

 

This is the exact reason why I don't gave myself a 100% I didn't want to smother her with the "I love you forever blablabla" and scare her, nor texting her 10 times a day and be TOO present.

 

It used to be like when I wake up I had a text from her and if not I'd send one.. EASY.

Last 2 weeks, I didn't get one so I sent one, which didn't got answered so I was stubborn and waited for her to finaly reply. But I've always made a move and left the reaction in her side, I never ignored her or only answered late due to work but I ALLWAYS answered.

[justwhoiam]

I'm sorry but it looks like you did all that could be possibly done to go wrong.

 

I called her less and skyped less because I wanted to feel loved instead of always having to do the first step

That was a good way to grow cold with each other, and let her detach herself from you. Congrats.

 

I'd do it for the rest of my life if I knew that she's break up for it..

This is a good example of how a guy should have known better and sometimes realizes about things too late.

 

You should let go of the blow of six years ago with the other girl. You decided to be single these past six years because of that, and I would say that should have been enough to process that and move on. You are definitely used to be successful, and failures seem harder on you. You have issues accepting any failure. No one likes to fail at things. But it was up to you: love and risk or not love and not risk anything. It looks like you were trying to dose your love in an attempt to be wiser and not make old mistakes. But that automatically meant not being yourself completely in the relationship. And you started playing games.

 

In short, let the one you love grow colder on you day after day, and expect an almost sure break up.

 

You then tried to fix things with streams of words and tears. There comes a time when you couldn't care less about what your lover says, and you decide to only look at actions and behaviors. If he knows I love something and he forgets about it, or takes it away from me = bad. If he knows something can make my day and I miss that, but he doesn't care if I'm left without it for weeks = bad. If he does know that there is that one thing that gets on my nerves but again he keeps ignoring that = bad. If he treats me coldly thinking that anyway I know he loves me = bad.

Etc. You get the point.

 

I came home and she kissed me, this gave me hope. When I got home again after leaving for mandatory business I asked her why she did that, and she answered that it was to see if she would get the feeling back, and she said it didn't like she'd expect.

Your reaction seemed meh. She kissed you but you didn't jump for joy (actually I have no idea what your reaction to that was). This relationship is stagnant. You know how to kill her drive.

 

So now I deleted her phone number

Ok. At this point I guess you expect her to run after you and beg you to fix things... which is 0.001% likely when someone is having second thoughts about you. You gave her your crumbs and now you're refusing to give her even that.

 

Bottom line? Maybe you should be casually dating models living where you're at. A LDR doesn't mean less effort, rather more effort.

[MikeRoss]

I get it, it's all my fault?

Girls are princesses who don't have to show affection?

The guy has to do everything all the time?

Can't I get some?

 

She never called me, she maybe skyped me once.

I payed for everything we did,

I committed to her, bought her a ring to prove my love for her and a statement of commitment.

 

What do you suggest I do now?

Take the first train to Paris and prove her wrong?

Would that even change something?

[justwhoiam]

Girls are princesses who don't have to show affection?

Are you saying she never showed signs of being in love with you? In that case, you should have noticed and there's little you can do if she was never in love with you.

 

Again, I don't know her, but after reading what you wrote, I can tell you that generally, I don't show my love by calling him. I want him to call me. I do that now and then, but not as frequently. It's more like a surprise when I do. I have other ways to show my love. I'm always there for him, when he needs me. I always pick up the phone even on the busiest day. When he needs support, I give it to him. I'm passionate about him and the relationship, and so on.

 

The guy has to do everything all the time?

Why are you saying that? From your first post it looked like both of you were traveling to reach the other. Or was it only you always? But yes, I'd like him to do things for me. When/If he stops, I start getting bad vibes.

Can't I get some?

Sure, but you need to realize that women also have other ways to prove their love.

 

I payed for everything we did,

I committed to her, bought her a ring to prove my love for her and a statement of commitment.

This is something no girlfriend would ever like to read from her boyfriend. It sounds cheap. Complaining because you paid for her and bought her a ring. One would expect you did it out of love. I hope you didn't bring this up while talking to her, among the other things you told her. If I heard something like that, I would just want out.

 

What do you suggest I do now?

I have no idea how in love she was with you, if ever. I don't know if she started looking around and now it's late.

 

Take the first train to Paris and prove her wrong?

That might work with someone like me. Going out of one's way is something that won't go unnoticed. If I'm in love with him.

 

Would that even change something?

No one can tell.

 

How passionate are you with her? Do you make her feel like a nice accessory or what?

[MikeRoss]

I'm not perfect myself, I am not a robot who makes all the right decisions but I know 1 thing I love her deeply and I want to spent the rest of my life with her.

I'd do anything it takes to be with her again and revive that sparkle.

 

When we talked at some point I said that we should write a book about our relationship as it has been so incredible.

I am writing that 'book' now, I am 15 pages down an intent to post it to her address in Paris.

 

Tell me what to do please.

[justwhoiam]

I'm not sure about the book.. I would take it as if he wanted me tied to the past...

 

I know I asked my man to write me about himself and all his life prior to meeting me. It was too hard for him to do and his life story never got past the first years of elementary school.... I'm still waiting and hoping to get to know about all of that. But I'm deeply in love with him.

 

I don't know what can work for her. Surprise her. Be passionate. Not desperate. Go out of your way. Be creative. Take her to some amazing place she will remember all her life long. Women usually like and notice small little things and details. But if she has detached herself from you, many things won't work with her.

[MikeRoss]

I'm writing the book to remember her how it used to be when things were great and my point of view for every decision I made and how I felt about it.

I inteded to make the last page a personal letter to her.

 

What would you suggest I do in order to surprise her in a passionate way?

[HeavenOrHell]

I've not had time to read all this, sorry, but just wanted to say yes females should show affection to their partner, same as males, it should be a two way thing, men nor women should need to be constantly proving their love each other, show it yes but not getting their partner to prove it all the time.

You should call each other equally, initiate skype calls equally, support each other equally, everything, of course women shouldn't be passive in showing their love, that's just silly! Men need love and affection and attention, same as women.

 

No, men shouldn't have to do everything all the time, r/ships are give and take, the r/ships which work for me are the ones where things feel equal, none of this gender **** of men should be doing this and women should be doing that

 

 

I get it, it's all my fault?

Girls are princesses who don't have to show affection?

The guy has to do everything all the time?

Can't I get some?

 

She never called me, she maybe skyped me once.

I payed for everything we did,

I committed to her, bought her a ring to prove my love for her and a statement of commitment.

 

What do you suggest I do now?

Take the first train to Paris and prove her wrong?

Would that even change something?

[TMichaels]

We've been flying back and forth to our homecountries every 6-7 weeks for the last 8 months...

 

What does this mean? Have you been flying back and forth to see each other and staying at each others' homes or have you been flying to different locations staying in hotels ala having a minibreak?

 

The problem occured 2 weeks ago, I started getting (out of the blue) far less text messages than usual like 1 message for 2 days. I did'nt want to act weak and make a problem out of it by text or email as she was coming to visit me in 1 week.

 

How did the two of you usually act leading up to re-uniting before the trouble started? Sending texts/messages saying "Oooooh, just 10 days until we'll be together! Can't wait!" Or, were one or both of you rather blase' about it?

 

Now last week I get her at the airport and I instantly felt she was more distant than she used to be, I was alarmed but tought to myself she's probably just tired from the flight. We get to bed, no sex, just sleep (which sucked). Next day we wake up as a normal couple, I hug her we kiss we shower we have sex we have lunch go do stuff etc etc.. and we were (almost) back on track after 2 days.

 

If the difference in her was that noticeable why didn't you say something -- even if it was a joking/light-hearted way ala "Hey! Did you miss me as much as I've missed you?"

 

Now on the 3rd night, when we get to bed and I want to have sex with her she says that we'd probably better get to sleep. This alarmed me alot. I started asking if everything was alright and then I got it.. even tough I asked her 2 times the day before if everything was ok and she said yes and even said she loved me after having sex.

 

First of all, it's not unusual for someone to say they love the other person after they have had sex. I'm not saying that the person doesn't mean it, but sometimes in the throes of passion when hormones are flowing, sometimes what's said is a way for the person to express a feeling of bliss/closeness/safety/satisfaction and not a literal statement.

 

She began saying she is unsure about her feelings for me and that she doubts our relationship, that she feels far less attracted to me than she used to (I put on 2 kg but that is not like a physical disaster for most of us..)

 

Unless *she* has remarked about the 2 kg difference, I highly doubt that has anything to do with it.

 

She than said that if she doubts now she will doubt later and that it is not healthy for our relationship.

 

Well, she has a point there.

 

I told her that there are always ups and downs in relationships especially LD. And that maybe her "being in love" changed to actual love.

 

So you're saying that "actual love" is "a down?"

 

Or, were you trying to say that once you get past the infatuation phase in a relationship and reality sets in, it's normal/inevitable things won't always "sunshine and roses" 100% of the time -- as that's not how real life goes.

 

Than she said she didn't know if she loved me or knew what love was at all..

 

Typical comment from someone who's not committed to continuing a relationship akin to the "It's not you, it's me" speech.

 

We talked for hours but it always ended up in her being unsure about her feelings, not attracted as she used to. I got the it's not you it's me speech too.

 

Typical behavior of someone who wants to let the other person down gently and/or doesn't have the balls to be extremely candid and considerate and then ending things/moving on.

 

She says I'm very rare and incredible guy, but nothing that actually matters because she still wanted to kind of break up.

 

What does "kind of break up" mean?

 

I told her that I was disapointed in her and she was a chicken for breaking up on the first 'trouble' or 'down moment' we have.

 

Don't you mean *you* were disappointed? Saying "you were disappointed in her" makes it sound like you're her parent and chastising her. Cardinal Rule Number One is never tell a woman that what she's thinking or feeling is insignificant, stupid or wrong.

 

I've invested time, money and energy in this relationship because I know that she's the one..

 

Admirable, but saying that given the context of your conversation, it's possible you came off as a petulant child.

 

You guys probably think like he's young and in love and blablabla yes true, but I know she is the one. There were too many coincidences too many signs and the feeling was instantly right.

 

Perhaps that was what *you* thought and what *you* felt, but that doesn't mean she did. Or, perhaps she got carried away in the thrill and excitement of a new relationship and reality has now sunk in. It may be as simple as she's not ready to "settle down" or she's an "excitement junky" and always searching "for her next fix."

 

Do you know her relationship history? Why is she single? Does she want to get married or at the very least date one guy exclusively? Did you share your thoughts and past relationship experiences? How did those discussions go?

 

Or, were the two of you just so busy "having fun" that you never got around to having those discussions which are key to determining compatibility and suitability of a possible mate.

 

And because you were just so sure she was the one, you skipped all that/didn't think it was that important -- and possibly have made erroneous assumptions that she was of like mind/same page as you?

 

I dropped her off at the station 2 days ago so she could go to her castings and shoots in another country.

She said she would write me a mail to explain all her feelings as she needs to think it over and write em down so she can express them better.

 

My guess: She likes you and doesn't want to hurt you but needs to find the right words to let you down gently. Sorry, but that's how it looks to me.

 

I told her I hope we can get stronger out of this as a couple and she said she hoped so too.

 

Good thing to say to her, but I don't understand her response as the way you've described things she's already said she wants to break up so there'd be no *relationship* to make stronger... ?

 

But I don't know how to get her feelings back on track if I won't see her for at least a month,

 

So the two of you have already made plans to see each other? Why? Under what circumstances? Or, is this just wishful thinking on your part?

 

I've done anything a man can for a woman (without throwing me at her feet, but just as a man that loves his girl).

 

I don't understand this comment. Maybe she doesn't either.

 

We talked alot about moving in together next year and we were both excited about it..

 

When did you talk about it? When did you stop? Perhaps she thought this sounded great in the beginning, but felt pressured after she had time to think about it. Are you sure you aren't pushing too hard, too fast with this girl?

 

Also an important point, she "breaks up" with me 2 weeks after turning fulltime model..

 

Maybe you see some significance to this, but I don't see the connection other than possibly now that she's working full-time she has less time to devote to other issues, including you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[TMichaels]

I get it, it's all my fault?

 

Not necessarily, but you may have been so convinced that this girl was "the one" you totally discounted the importance of *both* people feeling the same way.

 

Girls are princesses who don't have to show affection?

 

No, they should and do if they are truly interested.

 

The guy has to do everything all the time?

 

No, but women do appreciate both the little things as well as the occasional grand gesture which they see as evidence that they are special.

 

Can't I get some?

 

Yes, and you should. But you won't from someone who is not as invested or committed.

 

She never called me, she maybe skyped me once.

I payed for everything we did,

I committed to her, bought her a ring to prove my love for her and a statement of commitment.

 

All nice things that a woman who was truly interested would appreciate, but to someone who's not, your efforts make little difference.

 

What do you suggest I do now?

Take the first train to Paris and prove her wrong?

Would that even change something?

 

Doubtful. Perhaps the best thing for you to do is withdraw and see if she notices.

 

From the way you describe her she sounds like a bit of a prima donna who's used to getting attention -- especially from someone who's been falling all over her, professed their love and devotion, etc., etc.

 

Question is, however, let's say you quit chasing her and she starts to come around, do you really want to be with someone who treats others like that?

 

IOW, are you ready for a repeat performance, meaning the minute she knows you're back on the hook, she withdraws her attention and affection again?

 

If it were me, I wouldn't put up with that sort of childish behavior/self-centered game. Just remember, no matter how much you wish differently or think you can, you cannot change the basic nature of a person.

 

Sometimes it's best to just face reality and call it a day.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[CherryT]

I get it, it's all my fault?

Girls are princesses who don't have to show affection?

The guy has to do everything all the time?

Can't I get some?

 

She never called me, she maybe skyped me once.

I payed for everything we did,

I committed to her, bought her a ring to prove my love for her and a statement of commitment.

 

What do you suggest I do now?

Take the first train to Paris and prove her wrong?

Would that even change something?

 

It's not all your fault, but you wanted one thing but did another. If you wanted to be with her, why would you "punish" her by calling less? Because you didn't want to seem too available. Well, that's exactly what you showed her and because she has been going through some life changes, she's probably thinking "well if he's too busy and I'm too busy, then let's just forget about it". You have to also remember that some girls are insecure about coming off as a "crazy girlfriend". There are a ton of guys who put that label on girls, even if they're just checking in and girls who aren't like that. Whether she did that or not, it's not right either but just a thought. She could've been a bit more distant trying to not appear as a "crazy girlfriend", trying to take some time but your withdrawal probably made her feel like you weren't interested. So she detached.

 

I don't know what you want us to say. We can't tell WHAT to do. What you've already done, whether you want to believe it or not, has contributed to this outcome.

 

The guy doesn't have to do everything all the time. However, if she's not showing you affection, then perhaps you have an idea of what this relationship actually was and it's different from her perception? You're madly, deeply in love and maybe she's not. Have you heard about love languages? Some people like to be shown love by words, others are gifts etc. It's great that you bought her a ring, but maybe that's not how she feels loved. Is there something that she was doing to show you that she cared? but maybe it wasn't your love language so you felt like you were doing all the work?

 

The annoyance you have that you were doing everything but then you back track and say you'll do anything to get her back... is a bit contradictory. Why would you even want to be with someone who doesn't put forth the effort as you said? And what did you think would happen when you started minimizing the communication? She's, unfortunately, moved on. There's a lot of new and exciting things in her life.

 

One thing you should take away from this is if you think a girl is the love of your life. Don't play games. You trying to appear as confident and not as available was a game and now you're trying to repair that. I know this because the relationship I have with my LDR boyfriend is the most real and honest relationship I've ever had. There are NO games. We communicate often and he doesn't stop trying to show me he's available and that he loves me. I do the same. And now we're in a place where we're planning our wedding next year and I've never had to feel any doubt for how he felt about me. As a woman, we say we want to trust a man 100%. But as someone who's been cheated on, that's not always that easy. It takes some time and effort to prove that and some people move slower than others. The feeling of knowing your life partner is always available when you need them and unconditionally loves you and isn't afraid to show that is incredible. Knowing you trust that person 100% with your life is also incredible. I'm thinking she doesn't feel the same way that I feel about my boyfriend when she thinks about you and that could've been because of your intensions were different from your actions but your actions spoke louder.

Edited July 2, 2013 by CherryT