Chemistry??

[Pinky777]

I’ve been back on the dating scene for a couple of months now. I’m mostly doing online dating, and have met several really nice guys. Thing is, while most of them have, on paper, been great, somehow it just hasn’t translated to anything more for me. No one really sparks my interest. And it keeps on happening, over and over again. Things will usually go well, at first– we’ll exchange emails, texts, long phone conversations where everything is going great – but then when we meet in person, it falls just flat for me. Sometimes it’s that there’s no real physical attraction, sometimes there’s just no chemistry. I try to be open minded and give it a chance, and so far every guy I’ve met with has always wanted to get to know me better – but if he doesn’t stir at least a little bit of excitement in me I get bored and want to move on. I’m afraid that I’m passing up really otherwise nice guys, but if I’m not feeling it, I can’t force myself to, and the more they push, the more I want to run away. I’m beginning to think that the common denominator here is ME. I want a guy to grab my attention but so far, that’s just not happening.

 

Except for one guy – we met a few months ago through online, had a few really great dates where the sexual chemistry was explosive. We had a lot in common too and got along great and I really felt like he was the first guy in a long time who had potential. But he just separated from his wife and wasn’t into a relationship with me and just wanted to casually date around, so I had to force myself to move on. We still text occasionally about stupid stuff but haven’t gotten together or hooked up. I know I shouldn’t but I just can’t get my mind off him and it really kind of makes my day when I do hear from him (pathetic, I know).

 

Is anyone else like this? I’m on this elusive search for a guy that I really connect with, have chemistry with. I long for that rush, that giddy excitement, that feeling like you can’t wait to see the person and talk to the person again. I’ve experienced this in the past and I think I’m addicted to that feeling.

 

I do want a relationship, with the right person. I know that finding a nice, stable man that will treat me well is far more important than just finding someone with chemistry. I realize chemistry is mostly just hormones and that will fade. I know all of this, but I can’t get my heart to follow suit. If I’m not emotionally stimulated by a man, it’s like I just shut down and want no part of it. I realize it’s not healthy but I’m not sure what to do about it.

 

A little backstory: I’ve been officially divorced for about 8 months now, and the divorce was an extremely ugly one. Long story. While still separated last year, I went through a pretty intense rebound relationship that really messed with my emotions when it didn’t work out. I’ve finally moved on from those two failed relationships and have made peace with what happened, but I’m sure there are some unresolved issues there at work.

[Vinegar]

I am having the same exact problem. I think about it everyday. I have been online dating for 3 years and have yet to meet someone I feel chemistry with or an attraction to. Even when things sound great on the phone they usually fall flat when I meet the guy in person. I have had a horrible time and sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I should just pick someone and settle. But I can't do that if I don't feel the butterflies in my stomach. It just wouldn't work for me. And dating online is difficult because there are so many different types of people you can meet. Its like casting a very wide net. I am still hopeful though.

 

thank you for writing this. At least I know I am NOT alone.

[RogerWallace111]

I don't date online, but yeah, I feel ya. I'm not sure if you mean simple sexual chemistry, or the "connection" you refer to. Because I consider those two very different things. I could engage a girl at a club, have intense physical chemistry, take her home, f*ck, then talk to her the next day and realize I find her completely unappealing.

 

Regardless, don't get into any of that talk about settling on a "stable" guy . Wait it out. It's not intense sexual chemistry or good, stable guy.

 

Also, the context of a meeting can play into the amount of chemistry. Too sterile of an environment, or any unnecessary formality can make it hard to get that little "spark" going. And i don't mean spark in the classic romantic sense, simply the spark between two people in any situation who are diggin eachother. Just two guys or girls starting a friendship even. It's that non-physical spark that, if you find eachother aesthetically appealing, leads to the sexual chemistry. At least the way I see it in the beginning of a healthy relationship.

[Archgirl]

Exact same problem. Minus the divorce. Including that one awesome guy that didn't work.

 

I think you've just got to keep out there. If it was easy to find it wouldn't be so incredible. And I think everything happens when you're ready for it to happen.

[wildtrac77]

I am having the same exact problem. I think about it everyday. I have been online dating for 3 years and have yet to meet someone I feel chemistry with or an attraction to. Even when things sound great on the phone they usually fall flat when I meet the guy in person. I have had a horrible time and sometimes I think there is something wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like I should just pick someone and settle. But I can't do that if I don't feel the butterflies in my stomach. It just wouldn't work for me. And dating online is difficult because there are so many different types of people you can meet. Its like casting a very wide net. I am still hopeful though.

 

thank you for writing this. At least I know I am NOT alone.

 

No point doing online dating if your looking for a LTR and expecting instant chemistry with a guy simple as!

 

Why in the good ole days before internet dating did most relships start either from hanging out in a mixed group of friends or in the work place where you get to know a person and typically at first started spending time with them there was no chemistry until it gradually built up as you spent more time together??

 

Instant chemistry can happen but more often than not the faster it come's the faster it goes!!!

 

Prob now is that internet dating has made people think their is someone better out there and for most women unless you tick ever single box they have ( which is impossible and you will never find the perfect person ) then they write you off!!

 

Im in a situ at the moment with someone from the internet where we have loads in common/ get on really well, she keep's txting, calling, wants to cook me roast on sunday yet say's she only wants to be friends as no chemistry... stupid thing is if we had meet in the pub/thru a shared intrest etc then we would have ended up dating as the chemistry would have gradually built instead of her expecting it all from the word go..

 

If I see a profile now online with the words : meet up to see if their is chemistry between us in it I wont even bother reading/ sending a message to them as its a complete and utter waste of time!

[RogerWallace111]

I don't think it's quite so black & white, but very good points in wildtrac's post. Similar to what I was getting at as far as context. The simple hope/expectation for chemistry could easily get in the way of its formation, and online dating is more or less the staging of "lover auditions". It's a little like how when a friend talks up a movie as being great, it can "jinx" your natural reaction to it. And I understand that you don't expect there to be chemistry with most people you date, but you expect that there would be with some. And that may be enough to throw off it's flow.

 

Also, as stated above, instantaneous physical attraction/chemistry is often misleading. My one long term relationship started off physical from the first night and I always thought it was an unhealthy start. We didn't f*ck right away but there was no "friend" or preliminary chemistry-buildup to speak of. It was passionate but rocky as hell for the next few years. It always tripped me out that, while she became one of my best friends, I couldn't have imagined any situation where we would have gravitated toward eachother without romance involved.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I do OLD quite a lot and I have been feeling the same...no spark..none at all.

 

I also see the other side of the argument.

 

I remember meeting one guy through OLD a long time ago. As soon as we saw each other, physical chemistry was crazy. I could tell that he was feeling it too. Me made it through coffee and lunch and awkward small talk. I didn't care what we talked about; I wanted this guy badly. Hard to explain why and how as he wasn't conventionally that hot.

 

We became inseparable from the instant we met. Sex happened soon, we immediately removed profiles; we spoke about being soul mates. Way too much, too soon. I was so consumed by it that I couldn't eat or sleep. He was an artist with no job, creepy interests and unstable personality. I saw this early on but I ignored all of it. I spent all my time at his place.

 

I often struggled to hold conversation with him as we had NOTHING in common. Actually, we didn't have anything except for good sex. I squashed my doubts and I was kind of addicted to him.

 

It lasted just over 6 weeks. He dumped me and I was deeply hurt. I begged. I cried. I spent days in bed. Two weeks later I started dating someone else..... (didn't work out)

 

At first I wanted him back really badly. We stayed in touch as friends and I was excited to hear from him. But somehow, realization that we didn't click either intellectually or emotionally removed all attraction I had for him. It happened over time.

 

By the time he wanted me back, I was over it. I didn't understand why I now felt nothing so I agreed to get back with him. I remember driving to his place and having this strong feeling "this isn't right. he is completely wrong for me. I don't want this anymore." I still got there and we made awkward small talk. Only then I didn't feel the "chemistry" anymore. He just creeped me out. Everything he said or did. I ended up leaving his place that evening without having sex and telling him that I changed my mind.

 

I never saw him again nor did I miss him.

 

So getting back to the topic, I often think that perhaps "chemistry" is just an illusion? I am not sure anymore. I think if we are emotionally unhealthy, we will feel chemistry with the wrong people. It's like we will find people that unconsciously feed our own dysfunctions.

 

STILL, being aware of all that, I am now not looking for some "out of this world" spark. I am just looking for a little bit of attraction, few things in common, someone that gets me without having to over-explain things. And that is SO unbelievably hard to find

[wildtrac77]

I actually think that when your young chemistry isn't such a big issue with either sex ( esp women ) as if they like the guy they just date and go from there but when people get into their late 20's/early 30s' then for women it become's a massive issue about having that instant chemistry where as for guy's it isn't any different to them than when they were a lot younger.

 

One thing I have noticed about online dating profiles is that a lot of the women looking for that instant chemistry hit are professional and most will still be single 10 years down the line and moaning that they still cant find a decent guy, prob is they disregard so many decnt guys for that instant hit.

 

You have to have chemistry on both sides for a relship to work but worthwhile chemistry takes time to build.

 

Also to build chemistry quickly you have to flirt a lot with a women as soon as you meet her and decent guys are more likely to hold back on the flirting if they really like a girl as they are afraid of screwing it up by coming across as too keen too quick but it end's up having the opposite effect and that's what kills any chance of chemistry building imo.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I actually think that when your young chemistry isn't such a big issue with either sex ( esp women ) as if they like the guy they just date and go from there but when people get into their late 20's/early 30s' then for women it become's a massive issue about having that instant chemistry where as for guy's it isn't any different to them than when they were a lot younger.

 

One thing I have noticed about online dating profiles is that a lot of the women looking for that instant chemistry hit are professional and most will still be single 10 years down the line and moaning that they still cant find a decent guy, prob is they disregard so many decnt guys for that instant hit.

 

You have to have chemistry on both sides for a relship to work but worthwhile chemistry takes time to build.

 

Also to build chemistry quickly you have to flirt a lot with a women as soon as you meet her and decent guys are more likely to hold back on the flirting if they really like a girl as they are afraid of screwing it up by coming across as too keen too quick but it end's up having the opposite effect and that's what kills any chance of chemistry building imo.

 

You couldn't be more wrong. Young people care more about chemistry/looks than anything else. It's only when people mature (some sooner than later) that they factor in other criteria.

 

Please don't make it into a women do this and men do that. Is a man going to give that overweight woman a shot even though he is not feeling it? Please

 

You know which men don't care about chemistry? Only those that have zero options. And even they have some physical criteria.

[atlg8r]

Maybe you're just not ready yet. But, I will tell you that you should be looking for things that will make your next partner a TRUE partner and teammate. So, while there does need to be some attraction and chemistry, don't just discount people right away.

[BluEyeL]

I think expecting instant crazy chemistry is the wrong way to go. I'd look for a baseline physical attraction and common interests/compatible personalities at first sight, date the person for a while to find out if chemistry grows or not. For me, if I can't imagine kissing the guy, then it's a no. If I could kiss him and we have some things in common, it's a "let's go ahead and learn more". It's amazing that you have so much success, but I don't expect you to be able to connect on several levels but with very few people. That is, unless you discard those very few prematurely.