Messing with my head

[Sami_W]

Hi Everyone,

 

This is my first time posting here, I dont usually post on forums but having read everyones posts and the responses; I was hoping that you may provide me with some clarity. I feel like I already know the answers but I keep going round in circles and ending up back in square one.

 

I'll start from the beginning.

 

I met this guy at work, after a few months him and i began speaking to eachother on a daily basis and we got on really really well. I started really liking him and I knew he felt the same about me, but i found out he had a gf so i had backed off, but it didnt last very long. Long story short, him and I started a fling in December 2012. I tried to walk away so many times but each time he would say something or beg me not to. He always said that he was going to end his relationship and that he really liked me, and wanted to be with me.

 

In this time, he would always contact me (I never initiated contact). We chatted all day and every day at work, after work and we would usually go on lunch together and see eachother briefly at weekends. I truly believed he was genuine and really liked me as he always said that he had never done anything like this before (he had been with his gf for 7 years). Anyway, after trying to bail a few times and then when he convinced me not to I waited patiently for him to sort out his 'situation'. But my patience wore thin after 3 months of this and so I ended up giving him an ultimatum. He promised me that he would end his relationship as soon as he had his finances in order. Then end of March 2013 he ended his relationship.

 

However I was apprehensive about it, as it was an amicable break up I had a feeling that his ex would still be a big part of his life. We then were fine, enjoyed eachothers company fully. I was completely enamoured by him. Then a few weeks later I find out that his ex had left a wardrobe full of clothes behind, her straightners, curlers etc etc. Needless to say I wasnt happy, but explained to him that she had probably done this to keep in contact with him.

 

Anyway, I asked him if he could drop off her things at hers with a friend (something which he actually suggested) but he said that she would come to his with her stepdad (as neither him or her drive). I wasnt pleased she would be alone at his but he reassured me that she would be thee with her stepdad. Anyway she came alone in a taxi and well i dont know what happened. Considering she was only picking clothes up, she was there for nearly 2 hours. Well I wasnt to happy, because god knows what happened and he reassured me nothing had.

 

Anyway a week later, we were getting ready for work on a monday morning (i had stayed round his the night before and we had a lovely day/night together), he had left his phone out whilst in the shower - i have never done this but i had gut feeling and decided to look at his phone. I went straight to his pictures and found a naked picture and 2 graphic videos that she had sent him. I knew the time scale - the pic was on the tuesday (day after she went to collect her things) and the videos were on the friday and saturday (before i stayed round his). Anyway as you can imagine i was disgusted, hurt, and furious. He had always assured me he would never do what he did to his ex to anyone, and only the night before he was telling me he wasnt attracted to his ex or felt anything for her but wanted to be with just me.

 

We broke up, however working together it was a clean break. A few days later I initiated contact and said for sake of work we need to be civil. He agreed but we started talking again. He then sent me a long email about all the things he had lied to be about after him and his ex broke up...it was a very long email! He had said to me a number of times that she hated his guts and wanted nothing to do with him (lie), he had told me that he had told her that it was best they have no contact (lie - she called him and text him almost every week), plus many more.

 

Anyway after weeks of him begging me and pressurising to take him back and reassuring me that he would do everything to keep me happy, that he hadnt asked for that media from her etc. I finally took him back because I did really still care and want to be with him.

 

But, I became paranoid and insecure. He allowed me to have a look at his phone whenever I wanted, I only asked him a few times as I didnt want to take advantage of it. I worried about his whereabouts, whether he was lying to me. I became obsessed with the idea he was cheating on me. I just didnt trust him. Which got him frustrayed and we ended up arguing all the time. We argued at lunch, he would call me a b*tch, a tw*t, stupid, said i was 'too dumb' for him, shouted at me infront of everyone at a supermarket telling me to 'fck off' and to get the fck out of his face and that I was a 'fcking idiot'. It didnt stop there, he made me feel worthless.

 

But when we were good we were really good, however he always said to me because he had just got out of a 7yr relationship, he didnt want to get in to one so quickly. So we agreed that we were just seeing eachother (but we knew it was more than that). Anyway early june 2013, he said to me that he felt like he needed space and his feelings of wanting to be alone and concentrate on himself were getting stronger. We agreed to tale a step back. His contact with me was less and less, and if I did hear from him i would get very short and boring responses. Anyway we got into an argument and a few days later he said he wasnt interested in us anymore and he wanted to be on his own. I begged him not to end it (something i would never ever do). So we took ANOTHER step back. This time it felt like it was 'just sex', when i asked him about this, he said thats all this could be and he knew I wouldnt agree to it. I was shocked he had suggested this as he was always saying that he couldnt 'just have sex' with someone, he had to have feelings for them (he had only been with me and his ex). But I was so desperate not to lose him, I somehow agreed. But things started to get ok with us and he said he would make more of an effort with us. I was still heavily insecure and paranoid (more so by this point because of his lack off interest and attention towards me), and I was convinced there was another girl on the scene. I saw him at the weekend, and spent sunday evening with him and the intimacy and affection was the same - that night however when i got home he had become friends with this girl on facebook, and I did casually ask him about her and he said that he had no idea who she was. The following tuesday we got into a chat and he said that he was still willing to try and that he had no interest in other girls. If we split, he would want to be on his own completely - he couldnt be bothered with other girls and that he still really liked me. Tuesday night, we were talking to eachother fine - all seemed ok.

 

Wednesday morning I came into work late and I get an 'instant chat message' from him, telling me that he wants to 'start talking to another girl'. I thought he was joking and so I asked to speak to him in person, in private and basically said that this girl on fb had messaged him and that he wanted to speak to her and wanted to do it being single and didnt want 'us or this' hanging over his head. I basically begged him not to end it and he turned nasty telling me that he had wanted to end it with me for a while (basically since i made the decision to take him back), and that everything he had said to me in the last few weeks were all a lie and a pretence.

 

I made the mistake of trying to speak to him, and trying to understand but he got really really nasty and then on the Saturday he told me that i was again a 'b*tch', he would block me from his phone, whatsapp and if i spoke to him or emailed him at work he would put a harrassment complaint against me. That crushed me because all I had been trying to do is understand how he was telling me how much he liked me on tuesday to turn and say he wanted nothing to do with me on the wednesday. It felt like a personal attack and considering he wanted to be on his own and wasnt interested in girls if we broke up, he was dating someone straight away. I found out that she had spent all day at his on sunday - which made me think that considering they had never met and been texting for a few days, you dont have a first date in your flat for like 12hours?!

 

Anyway i decided to advocate NC finallty (should have done it earlier...I know!), a moved desks at work so i wasnt facing him, i got on with my day and I was actually really content. However on the friday I found out he had been telling people that he was now with this girl etc etc. So, stupidly, i decided to speak to him only to tell him that it was disrespectful that he was announcing this to people at work. He said that he had only met her that once (when she came to his), and that it had been uncomfortable and he kept thinking about me, that they were still chatting and he hadnt even kissed her yet. He then went onto say that he still thought about me, and that he had been wondering if he made a mistake and wanted to see how I was, and that he still really cares for me and he is heavily attracted to me still. This just messed my head up. I saw him after work and we left it with deciding whether we could just have an initimate relationship between us, with no other responsibilities.

 

But he was seeing her that night, they were going for their first proper date. And the next day when i spoke to him he said that the date went really well and that she ended up coming to his and watching a film and that they had kissed. I know him, he doesnt just go and kiss girls, he has to have a connection with them adn really like them. Even though I had already thought they had slept together, when he spoke to me the day before and said he wasnt sure about her, I had some hope we might work again.

 

But he made it clear that he really liked her, and that them two sleeping together was iminent. Anyway I went to see him on the Saturday morning and we ended up sleeping together, I left his and he hasnt contacted or spoken to me since. He hasnt said anything to me at work, and I know the answers are obvious. But I want him to want me again. He said to me on friday that he still hasnt felt like that about anyone, what he felt for me and that he still 'fancies the pants off' me.

 

He's moved on, so its hard for me. I know this is my karma, for me being involved with him when he was with someone else. But i never did it to be malicious to her, I had genuinely fallen for him and well now he's with her.

 

I just dont know what to do, i miss him, i miss being with him but i know its not right. What I truly want is for him to want me again. I see him everyday at work and its killing me everyday we see eachother but act like strangers.

[eleve82]

This is really sad. You were probably just one of the many that have ended up being part of this cycle of being the third party and then getting jilted for someone else. You don't need anyone to tell you that such a man who can two time his partner is capable of doing it over and over again - secretly all girls hope that they can be the exception rather than the rule. It rarely works out.

 

What I'd say is this: he's shown you his true colours - and it's an ugly, unpleasant one. He's actually doing you a favour by shattering any illusions you have of him. This also means he is thoroughly done with you - guys who want to keep you hanging will try to salvage the image you have of them while he has done everything to show you that he does not respect you or care for you in any way.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and anyone is to learn from this, start respecting yourself more than this and never make the mistake of going out with an attached guy. Relationships that start before another has ended tend to end up leaving one or more party confused - emotions are embroiled with multiple parties and the rules are not clear.

 

More importantly, he has started to treat you like dirt and you still want him to want you? Why would you do this to yourself? Aren't you worthy of someone better - someone who will commit and has basic human decency and respect for you? Please be sensible and kind to yourself over this excuse of a man!