Who you attract when you're "being yourself"

[ThaWholigan]

1 of 2 new ones....

 

Been falling into a new way of communicating recently. Spent the last month or so in relative solitude and now I'm experimenting again socially - what I've done now is completely abandoned anything remotely PUA that I read previous and am simply going for what feels normal to me - which is likely not normal to most - and seeing what happens.

 

The result is interesting. When speaking to girls, I've settled back into my unusually direct and wordy manner of communicating. The response was mixed - of the girls that were positive, most of them tended to be somewhat offbeat and somewhat intellectual but similarly direct, moreso than I even.

 

Has like attracted like in your case? Or the opposite?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Interesting topic TheWho.

 

I tend to attract real weirdos when I am being myself, I mean they are way more weird than I am (in my opinion anyway).

 

When I am being more social/outgoing version of myself, I attract boring guys that are "too normal". Just your regular guy that is into things 90% of other guys are into and has no edge.

 

Neither is good

[MrCastle]

When I put on my suave Castle persona, I get the super hotties with the epic problems. Those hot girls are trouble, man. They really are. They take a lot of work to get and in the end are often not worth it because of the list of cons they have to go with their physical pros.

 

When I am myself, or I should say, when I am not making an effort to be cool and suave and attract women -- I get overly shy women.

 

The "let's become exclusive before we can kiss" type of shy. This is frustrating as I don't like to move slow when it comes to physical attraction. I also don't like how they make me do all the work.

 

They are totally afraid of texting first or suggesting any kind of date and I have to do all the work.

 

Two extremes there. If I could get one of the more shy girls who was more sexual in nature, I would take her over the hottie who is often way too wild for my everyday life.

[ThaWholigan]

Interesting.....

 

So how does one fuse their core character with their social persona?

[MrCastle]

Interesting.....

 

So how does one fuse their core character with their social persona?

 

Very interesting.

 

I'm not sure. When I am in a social setting, or, more specifically, in the presence of women I am trying to impress/attract -- I go into my "Dean" mode.

 

I actually joke with my friends when they ask how I managed to talk to so and so and ask for her number, or whatever, I say "I Deaned her bro ;)"

 

Or if they send me a text while I'm with a girl, I'll say "BRB, Deaning :p"

 

Just me messing around, but I value the cool part of my persona and so I like to put that first.

 

The only drawback to this cool method I have is, like I said, some of the girls I attract are too wild. As in, getting blackout drunk or experimenting with heavy drugs wild. They think I'm into it because I'm "cool", and the cool guys are down for anything. But that is not me. I'm not that kind of cool. I'm a free spirit but not that free. It's tough.

 

Early on, when I tried the funny angle, I would come across as too funny and silly and ultimately couldn't generate sexual attraction. It was friendsville for your boy Castle.

 

But when I'm "myself" -- I am reserved. Not shy, but more so a quiet confidence. But I can definitely see how some might take it to mean shy, so I can kind of see why shy girls think I'm a fellow shy person. I'm not.

 

I like to think I'm just the right amount of naughty. I'm not the goody goody guy, but I'm not the lying, cheating douche.

[mesmerized]

hmmm If we just go by personality, I can say men with similar personality to mine are attracted to me because we get along well. I also get shy men with my personality because they hate their own shyness and need a woman to take them out of their misery. I've also attracted some real weirdos and mentals but that was mostly my looks cause I barely even talked to these men.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Deaned her?

 

Anyway, for myself - I do consider myself different, I am hard to pigeon hole into one type. So when I go with my quirky persona which is more of who I am, hippies living in a commune or a hard core conspiracy theorists, or men that are into poly-amoury or drug addicts think that they have found their match. But I am not into any of that stuff. So while I find some of them interesting, I would never seriously date them.

 

My social persona is probably trying too hard to fit in, being outgoing, chatty, bubbly - that's how I get most men, they just love that personality type.

 

When I try to mix the two, it just doesn't work :/ I remember at a wedding recently, I was in my social mode, chatting to a guy but trying to be authentic with some sarcasm and quirkiness. The guy was typical normal-boring-nice guy that I seem to attract. He got NONE of my sarcastic jokes, in fact he got offended and walked away

[MrCastle]

Deaned her?

 

You know, horny college kids aren't exactly Shakespeare. It was the best I could come up with.

 

Don't think I'd do very well if they knew I had a name for my game

 

Especially a name for game that lame. A shame.

[KungFuJoe]

Honestly, I have no idea. I think I've always been myself (I couldn't be fake if I tried), but I have attracted the entire gamut of women. I'm talking the innocent, shy, church girls who are waiting for Mr. Right to give their virginity to, to the woman who wants me to just take her right there and then and **** her on the spot.

 

Doesn't seem to be any parallel to my mood or whether I was depressed or not...in a relationship...out of one.

 

But, I'll be honest...I think I have a pretty damn awesome personality that meshes well with a lot of people.

[Emilia]

Has like attracted like in your case? Or the opposite?

Pfffff really hard to tell. I attract such a wide variety of personality types.

 

I naturally get on with the outgoing, bantering type who are into sports, enjoy a joke, have stories to tell. Last Tuesday I was out with a bunch of army-types and I really enjoy that kind of talk, raucous silly stuff, eating and drinking competitions and general mucking about.

 

I used to host parties though so I'm good at talking to shy, reserved guys too to bring them out of their shell a bit. As long as they are not the passive aggressive weirdos.

 

Thinking about it: I think I attract the straight talking, 'normal' (ie not quirky) and intelligent types whether outgoing or shy and don't tend to get on well with the drugie/junkie/weird ones.

[Woggle]

The kind of women I want. Honesty always has the best results for me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

hmmm If we just go by personality, I can say men with similar personality to mine are attracted to me because we get along well. I also get shy men with my personality because they hate their own shyness and need a woman to take them out of their misery. I've also attracted some real weirdos and mentals but that was mostly my looks cause I barely even talked to these men.

 

Yes - for some reason I attract mentally unstable men (not a huge number) but it still disturbs me. Those men end up borderline stalking me for a very long time (years). I tell myself that it's not my personality, because in most cases I barely spoke to them or didn't even know they existed. I guess they fixate on the way I look and make up the rest.

[The Introvert]

When I am myself I rarely attract any woman, I appear reserved and shy... but ya some women see through all that and find how nice I am but I usually turn them down for no apparent reason...I guess I am a complicated nice guy hence I am finding myself lonely from Jan to Dec...

[SoulJazzBlues]

Great topic!

 

When I am being myself, which is slightly arty, slightly bohemian and quirky I tend to attract guys that try to match me to a tee. So slightly arty, hipsters, new age, sensitive kind of guy. Ironically, the guys I like are the reserved, masculine traditional men.

 

If only those guys hit on me!

[thefooloftheyear]

Lately, all I seem to attract is women with some sort of emotional need or "issue"..Its quite frustrating, frankly. I am not very effusive in person and most people dont ever get to see the side of me that I feel has a great depth of character. While I wouldnt call myself a doormat, I am naturally a giver and "protector/provider" especially when it comes to women, so maybe its some crazy form of natural selection??..

 

I have found that most people that come into contact with and really get to know me usually leave better off then when they came...Thats the problem though..They leave.

 

TFY

[Els]

 

Has like attracted like in your case? Or the opposite?

 

Like in some ways, possibly opposite in others. I'd like to think of it as 'complementary'.

[eastcoastgirl88]

Such an interesting topic!

 

I think I am almost always "myself"...just to varying degrees. When I don't care about the result or attracting the guy, that's when I tend to say crazier things and not care what he thinks.

 

In this case, when I am "totally myself"...I attract very intellectual men who appreciate my wit, brain, education, etc. This is a good thing of course, but these guys ALSO tend to be SUPER intellectual and that's not necessarily the type that gets my motor running. I remember one guy in particular who was SO into me and was a poet/writer, Ivy-league educated, very dry and witty...but not sexy in the least. I felt no romantic chemistry but did appreciate him on a friend level and enjoyed talking to him.

 

When I "care" and am "on," I attract the type I'm trying to attract: sexy, edgy, athletic, d-bag, cocky, etc.

 

I wish I could find a guy who was a combination of the two.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Such an interesting topic!

 

I think I am almost always "myself"...just to varying degrees. When I don't care about the result or attracting the guy, that's when I tend to say crazier things and not care what he thinks.

 

In this case, when I am "totally myself"...I attract very intellectual men who appreciate my wit, brain, education, etc. This is a good thing of course, but these guys ALSO tend to be SUPER intellectual and that's not necessarily the type that gets my motor running. I remember one guy in particular who was SO into me and was a poet/writer, Ivy-league educated, very dry and witty...but not sexy in the least. I felt no romantic chemistry but did appreciate him on a friend level and enjoyed talking to him.

 

When I "care" and am "on," I attract the type I'm trying to attract: sexy, edgy, athletic, d-bag, cocky, etc.

 

I wish I could find a guy who was a combination of the two.

 

I know what you mean. Super intellectual men don't do it for me. My closest male friend is super intellectual, PhD educated but I was never attracted to him sexually. He is so....boring, edgeless... I appreciate intellectual discussions but at the end of the day it's like he lacks passion...or something.

 

I am even more turned off by men that lack intelligence.

 

The problem is the combination of two, intellect, passion, being fun, a bit of a dark side...it seems to be what most women want so these types have tons of options and are almost never single.

[Els]

 

In this case, when I am "totally myself"...I attract very intellectual men who appreciate my wit, brain, education, etc. This is a good thing of course, but these guys ALSO tend to be SUPER intellectual and that's not necessarily the type that gets my motor running. I remember one guy in particular who was SO into me and was a poet/writer, Ivy-league educated, very dry and witty...but not sexy in the least. I felt no romantic chemistry but did appreciate him on a friend level and enjoyed talking to him.

 

When I "care" and am "on," I attract the type I'm trying to attract: sexy, edgy, athletic, d-bag, cocky, etc.

 

Interesting. Perhaps I am very lucky, in that I actually find myself sexually attracted to the men in your first paragraph, and not at all to the one in the second. Intellect and wit are probably the two sexiest traits I could ever think of in a man - with nice lean abs trailing in as 3rd I suppose. :laugh: Wit is a key part of that, though - I do know a few intellectuals who couldn't crack a joke or detect sarcasm for the life of me. But those with a quirky sense of humor, a razor-sharp wit, and the ability to wield it without being an ******* - sign me up.

 

Why would anyone want a cocky d-bag? I can understand the appeal of edgy/athletic (even though neither does much for me), but cocky?

[Emilia]

Why would anyone want a cocky d-bag? I can understand the appeal of edgy/athletic (even though neither does much for me), but cocky?

because a lot of them rock in bed unfortunately

[Els]

because a lot of them rock in bed unfortunately

 

Fair enough. I guess arrogance/cockiness just turns me off in a guy so irretrievably that we'd never even get anywhere near the bedroom. So I can't dispute that.

[Emilia]

Fair enough. I guess arrogance/cockiness just turns me off in a guy so irretrievably that we'd never even get anywhere near the bedroom. So I can't dispute that.

I like some of it, jokey banter, teasing and general naughtiness can be very sexy from a nice man - which is what cockiness is to me. Arrogance is another step

[Els]

I like some of it, jokey banter, teasing and general naughtiness can be very sexy from a nice man - which is what cockiness is to me. Arrogance is another step

 

Oh, interesting. That's what I call wit.

 

I've always envisioned cockiness as arrogance/overconfidence.

 

In that case, I definitely agree with you. But what's up with the d-bag?

[Emilia]

Oh, interesting. That's what I call wit.

 

I've always envisioned cockiness as arrogance/overconfidence.

 

In that case, I definitely agree with you. But what's up with the d-bag?

 

I think part of the problem is that a lot of people for some reason (both men and women) seem to feel uncomfortable with an outgoing personality and will brand it a negative thing: so cocky can be seen as negative (even if we think it's just fun) and see it as arrogant or douchy.

 

We were discussing muscular men in the office on Friday and two of my female colleagues didn't rate them. One of the senior managers walked past with the comment 'oh now I know you ladies don't look at me because of my six pack' . A joke obviously. Yet one of the girls turned around and suggested that he fancied himself a bit too much.

 

One person's cocky wittiness is another's arrogance/douche. Though I'd never rate 'd-bag' as a positive.

[Els]

I think part of the problem is that a lot of people for some reason (both men and women) seem to feel uncomfortable with an outgoing personality and will brand it a negative thing: so cocky can be seen as negative (even if we think it's just fun) and see it as arrogant or douchy.

 

We were discussing muscular men in the office on Friday and two of my female colleagues didn't rate them. One of the senior managers walked past with the comment 'oh now I know you ladies don't look at me because of my six pack' . A joke obviously. Yet one of the girls turned around and suggested that he fancied himself a bit too much.

 

One person's cocky wittiness is another's arrogance/douche. Though I'd never rate 'd-bag' as a positive.

 

Ah, yes, I definitely get that. I prefer introverts in general, but I don't think genuine arrogance/douchiness is related to being outgoing at all. A few of the most arrogant guys I've had the misfortune to meet were introverts, perhaps attempting some crappy PUA tactic.

 

There are certain levels to it, I agree. There are some men whom I find insufferably cocky (both on this forum and out ), yet a few other women get all googly-eyed around them. S'all good though - where would we be if everyone liked the same people?