PalomaRose Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Hey everyone! (Feel free to skip the first three paragraphs if you want to get to the point ) I left my boyfriend a week ago today. He had anger management issues and signs of being emotionally abusive. I had spoken to him before of how I was unhappy with how the relationship was, but he always just tried to throw blame to me and made no effort to get help with his anger or even to curb it for my sake. He knew I had thought about leaving before, and begged me to stay crying and telling me he had depression and didn't know how he'd be without me. He said some rather nasty stuff to me a few days before I left. When I went to speak with him about it that day I left, he acted like nothing had happened, denied it and got angry. He yelled at me while I sat in silence and eventually I got up and told him I was talking my stuff and leaving. Before I left he asked me what I wanted. I said to be happy and left. He text me later saying sorry things didn't work out. I contacted him about three days later asking to meet up so we could clear things up between us as I had things that weren't able to be said the day I left. I made it clear I didn't want to argue. We met up and where awkward, but pleasant, taking about general stuff. Eventually, I started to say what I wanted to: That I still cared about him, we had alot of great times, but I couldn't deal with his anger anymore. I didn't get any further than that as he cut me off and got angry, telling me I call myself the victim, completely changing the story to what happened on the day I left then started complaining about how my mother cares more about me than his mother cares about him. Eventually, he told me he was done and walked out. In the heat of it, I sent him a message saying I had only wanted to be friends, but he couldn't have a mature conversation about us. I told him I was tired of him never being able to accept blame for anything that happened between us and that I wouldn't be contacting him again. He shot back with a nasty message telling me I'm manipulative, cynical and heartless. He said he was over me stepping on his feelings and to not contact him again, ever. He then deleted me from all social networking. So I guess I'm wondering what will happen from here? I know the best and obvious is to never contact each other again and move on with life. Another part of me thinks maybe he'll contact me again once he cools down but then another part knows how stubborn he can be and expect to never hear from him again. I still care about him, and I'm certain he's still in love with me. I'd love to get back with him, but only if something was done about his anger. I know that's never going to happen as he can't see it there, let alone as a problem. I did want to remain on good terms as we had both said we weren't just a couple but basically best friends. He always told me we would be able to stay friends if something happened between us. Its his birthday in about 7 weeks. Should I try and contact him then, or leave it longer? Or never contact him again at all? I don't know what to do I guess I'm just hurt that after all we had its just gone completely. I understand he needs time away from me to deal with how he's thinking. Do you think he would ever contact me first again? Sorry this was lengthy, thanks everyone
SmithJ Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Sorry to hear you're going through this My ex has major anger issues and I was paranoid and insecure so it was a volatile relationship. When he ended it with me I promised I could change and did all the begging and thought that I could not live without him and I NEEDED him but he still left. I was in pieces but now I look back and think 'I didn't realize how unhappy I was until I was without him' I'm so much happier now and look back and think 'that isn't how a relationship should have been' He calls me and I just ignore it because I wouldn't go from where I am now to back there, you just have to be strong!!! I go to therapy for my insecurity, I've taken up lots of new hobbies and I'm spending more time with my family really enjoying my life. It's hard when you first break up as you're still wearing the rose tinted spectacles and still want that other person in your life, clinging on to the hope this could be done by being 'just friends' From personal experience you can't go from being in a committed relationship to just being friends because one person always wants more then they end up being hurt all over again. My advice would be to concentrate on yourself. I wouldn't be friends all the lines always become blurred and he will continue to be angry and hurt you more.
aloneinaz Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You need to stay away from him. You're relationship was toxic and it sounds like you're addicted to this guy? Why would you want to be with someone so volatile all the time. Why would you want to be w/someone who clearly can't take responsibility for his actions and deflects blame on you? This is a no win situation for you. Again, you described a toxic relationship to a T. My ex was toxic too. She was very TYPE A, strong personality, controlling, temper and anger issues, was vindictive and a grudge holder, very insecure, NEVER took responsibility for her actions, etc.. etc.. Dating her was like walking on egg shells all the time. If she was stressed or angry or overwhelmed, she was a TOTAL a-hole. She could be sweet as pie, loving and affectionate at noon, then I'd do something trivial she didn't like (and didn't tell me) and give me the cold shoulder while being a *itch the whole evening. These types of people have SERIOUS issues and in most cases DON'T change. She went to therapy WE broke up too many times and got back together only for the cycle to repeat. There's DEEP reasons why people like this have anger/temper issues and it will take them YEARS of therapy to work thru it. Most of them don't see themselves as having the problem. It's US that make them made and act so terrible towards us and others in their lives. Seriously, do yourself a favor, go thru the pain and hurt and find someone more emotionally stable.
Author PalomaRose Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 These types of people have SERIOUS issues and in most cases DON'T change. Exactly. As much as I would love to see a change from him, I never will. Its best I just move on. Turns out though, he text me last night. Told me he felt conflicted. I called him back (just because it was easier than texting him...) and asked what he wanted from me, why he thought I left him. I ended up getting angry and hung up. It reminded me that there is nothing new and he'll never change. Before he contacted me I felt sad about it all being over, and sorry that he was going through the pain but afterwards it all just felt like a joke to me. I don't ever want to get back with him, or even hear from or be friends anymore. I'm really over his moods. Thanks guys
Legatus Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Good for you that you realized that you don't need him anymore. I had a manipulative gf as well, she would also go off like a bomb after small issues, blow it out of proportion, there was endless anger. One moment she was caring, loving person, in another screaming and shouting. It was the same after the break up. I wanted to clear things up just to hear shouting that I'm behaving like an idiot, for simply wanting some answers. I agree that those people see absolutely no problem in such behaviour. They manipulate and try to steer lives of othere through those outbursts. I don't know what has to happen tor such people to realize they have a serious problem, and at least acknowledge 50 % of blame. Again, good for you, you got out of something so poisonous!
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