Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Is "fake daring" some sort of tactic men use to... I don't even know what the purpose would be. I've encountered this with a few of the men I've dated since Soldier Boy and I broke up, enough that it's making me think there's some sort of PUA tactic being floated on the interwebz. One example: This guy Steve was in Tahoe for a weekend. While up there, he sent me a short text suggesting I drive up and join him. I took it as a half-joking invite, not a literal invite... BUT, I totally would have gone if he'd been sincere (and I didn't have pre-existing plans). When he got back into town, he teased me for not having the balls to be spontaneous and just head up there. Again, he was joking (or, so it seemed). A week later, I was in San Diego, and I jokingly suggested he meet me there, the same way he'd joked about Tahoe. I was playing off of his invite/joke/dare, and thought it was pretty obvious. His response? "Woah. Maybe if we knew each other better, but if we haven't had overnights yet in NorCal, we can't be having them in San Diego!" Huh? He later told me that he thought I was too suggestive. WHAT?! It was literally the same joke, inserting San Diego for Tahoe. My goodness. I've had a couple other guys jokingly suggest I come to where ever they are, usually at least an hour away: Tahoe, Bodega, Monterey, a Giants game, whatever. Last time I accepted one of these offers was back in February/March when another guy I'd been dating for a couple months suggested I pop up to his ski lease where he was staying for the winter (he pretty much lived there, but came down the mountain to see me). When I said, "Sounds great! What's the address? I'll be there at 7," the dude's reaction was pretty much, "Wait, what? Seriously? Are you really coming? I was half-joking..." We wound up having a great time, but his mini-spazz out upon my acceptance made it awkward, and wonder if he really wanted me there, but at the same time, I didn't want to withdraw my acceptance either. But really, why make a spontaneous invite if you're not serious? I'm all for spontaneity, and LOVE it in the guys I date, but I feel like if I take them up on their invite, they react as though I'm some weirdo. I'm particularly flustered because my current guy just made a similar invite, and when I said I'd be there, he kinda got weird too! WTF. It's got to be a tactic/trick/test of some sort. Right? 1
pcplod Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You want to suggest something which you suspect will be rejected and if you are you feel a bit humiliated, a bit embarrassed. So, in order to shield yourself from that, you make it in a 'jokey' fashion, a tease, tongue-in-the-cheek. So, next thing is, you are taken up on it, much to your surprise. Frankly, you are blinking in disbelief, unable to take it in that you have actually been that fortunate. It's not necessarily a bad thing. Well, that is my take on it, if I found myself doing such a thing. I can't really speak for other men, because I know as well as anyone that behaviour is as diverse as the world is wide. 3
Emilia Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It's about testing your boundaries as he is getting to know you. He wants to see whether you are a serious woman or a good-time girl. In my opinion it's smart to say no and it is what I do but if you then suggest something similar a week or so later yourself, it's confusing. I love being spontaneous but if he has a last-minute idea then that has to mean he comes to me (I don't mean to my house for a booty call but near my location), I'm not going to make some effort for something he cooked up when we barely know each other and especially when I know it's about his working out how far he can push me before I push back. If I had an idea it would be along the lines of 'I'm in your area, fancy lunch or a drink?' and wouldn't expect him to drive hundreds of miles to see me at the drop of the hat the same way I wouldn't do it for him either. I think men test you to see how strong you are and how much you stick to your boundaries. It's good to stick to your guns in my experience. 2
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 It's about testing your boundaries as he is getting to know you. He wants to see whether you are a serious woman or a good-time girl. In my opinion it's smart to say no and it is what I do but if you then suggest something similar a week or so later yourself, it's confusing. I love being spontaneous but if he has a last-minute idea then that has to mean he comes to me (I don't mean to my house for a booty call but near my location), I'm not going to make some effort for something he cooked up when we barely know each other and especially when I know it's about his working out how far he can push me before I push back. If I had an idea it would be along the lines of 'I'm in your area, fancy lunch or a drink?' and wouldn't expect him to drive hundreds of miles to see me at the drop of the hat the same way I wouldn't do it for him either. I think men test you to see how strong you are and how much you stick to your boundaries. It's good to stick to your guns in my experience. How is it a test of boundaries, just being spontaneous? That confuses me. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Unless they make it obvious they're joking, they're lame for extending a spontaneous invite then balking if you accept. I don't know what it "means" - just that it seems wussy/lame. 4
happywithlife Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 When I starting dating again, after my divorce, some of the guys did this to me too. I learned very quickly, that they really didn't want you to make the drive to where ever they were. Not sure why some guys do this. But, in my experience, they don't really want you to say yes. I also, personally, learned that the ones who did this didn't really have the personality that I was looking for in a long-term relationship. Not totally sure what the correlation is there. 3
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 When I starting dating again, after my divorce, some of the guys did this to me too. I learned very quickly, that they really didn't want you to make the drive to where ever they were. Not sure why some guys do this. But, in my experience, they don't really want you to say yes. I also, personally, learned that the ones who did this didn't really have the personality that I was looking for in a long-term relationship. Not totally sure what the correlation is there. What kind of personality did they have?
FitChick Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It might be a new flirting technique, where you are supposed to play along, "Let me call ahead to gas up my private jet and see if the pilot is available. I think I'll stop off in Paris first because I don't have suitable clothes. Should I pick up a bottle of Perrier Jouet while I'm there?" I don't mind being spontaneous with someone I've been dating a long time, but even then there are limits. 1
sillyanswer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It sounds like a variation of "I wish you were here right now." 3
happywithlife Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I found the men who "teased" like that to be the ones who weren't focused on the possibility of a LTR and were just looking for "something fun." They weren't really interested in planning dates and were looking booty call. Could just be my experience though. 4
Author Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I found the men who "teased" like that to be the ones who weren't focused on the possibility of a LTR and were just looking for "something fun." They weren't really interested in planning dates and were looking booty call. Could just be my experience though. I think Steve was definitely like that. The current guy, I don't think he is. He seemed the most flabbergasted that I'd actually take him up on his invite. If he just wanted fun where I put the effort in, he would have jumped at it... I think.
Emilia Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 How is it a test of boundaries, just being spontaneous? That confuses me. Because they want to see what you are prepared to do at the drop of a hat. There is spontaneous and there is going out of your way to do something for another person at their last minute request. 1
BluEyeL Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well, I sort of did that to my guy last weekend. I was gonna go to the airport in Chicago to pick up my sister,3h away, and we were exchanging emails in the morning. I said "Well, I need to drive there today, do you want to come with me ) (joking)". So I said l was joking. To my surprise he said yes, I can come, but only if you want me to, and let me know quickly so I have time to come to you (lives 1h away). I said I wasn't serious. I was just sort of flirting with him, sort of saying, like sillyanswer said, I wish we spent time together today.
Emilia Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I found the men who "teased" like that to be the ones who weren't focused on the possibility of a LTR and were just looking for "something fun." They weren't really interested in planning dates and were looking booty call. Could just be my experience though. I think some might be looking for an LTR but a man who does this isn't likely to be a 'good guy'. 1
callingyouuu Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 But really, why make a spontaneous invite if you're not serious?... It's got to be a tactic/trick/test of some sort. Right? I think some people like the idea of being perceived as spontaneous much more than they like actually being spontaneous, since, you know, that's hard and requires effort and stuff. Making grandiose invitations that they think are likely to be rejected is an easy way of being the seen as the exciting one in the relationship. That is, until they people like me and yourself who might actually (God forbid) take them up on their offer. A positive spin on it could be that, if both people are on the same page about the invite not being serious, it could be a way to say "wish you were here." 1
Phantom888 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 You are dealing with a man-boy. Real men don't behave this way. 1
Emilia Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 You are dealing with a man-boy. Real men don't behave this way. Yes I'd also say that this kind of testing is a turn off for me because it's usually a sign of a man who wants to manipulate. I think OP you post about men who seem to enjoy being in control and being assertive (just the impression I get from your threads) and I think some of them look for similar traits in women and they just want to see whether you have it. I think nicer men go about it differently though, perhaps just work it out by watching your actions and listen to you. Men who aren't quite as nice will try to make you jump through hoops. It's something I watch out for, personally. If they feel they can take liberties you need to crack that whip otherwise they will keep doing it.
RogerWallace111 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I'm kind of with the first responder. Testing the waters type thing. If I were to do something like that it would because I would enjoy her company, but also acknowledged the inconvenience for her and possible presumptuousness on my part. Thus I'd make it a little joke-ish, because she might not be on the same page, and because just cordially asking would likely feel unnatural. I think lots of guys infuse humor into all sorts of sh*t just to keep things less formal or stiff-feeling. But I can't really speak on them acting like your acceptance is weird. My reaction would be something like "Oh yeah ?? Awesome, do it!"
will1988 Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 I do stuff like this all the time... it is our way to test the waters, and it a guys way of saying what is really on his mind without seeming like a creep... so we joke about it or say "kidding" afterwords. Like sometimes when I want my fiance to do the laundry, I will jokingly act liek a 1950s husband... and then say kidding. of course she doesn't get mad but the desired result is still the same. lol 1
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