Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It's been a difficult weekend, and the reoccurring thought that she doesn't know the whole story keeps popping into my head. I have stopped all contact and sent a NC email to MM, but I seem to be stuck on that fact. I don't want to contact her and give her the information, but it just infuriates me that she thinks I was just a friend he knew. A simple check at the phone logs would reveal something entirely different. I know that I am just having some hurt feelings, and I know that I don't know what she does or doesn't know... But I just want him to be suffering, not going on family vacations, playing happy husband as he protects his gravy train. I know this should pass, and some should say that I should contact her and tell her. That is something at this point I am just not comfortable doing. She was informed via an anonymous email that just alluded to the fact that so etching was going on, no proof or conformation. Part of me wants the emailer to stoke again Ugh... I will never let myself get in this situation again. So many lessons learned!!
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Your feelings are perfectly understandable; and while it would be better for MM's wife to know the truth, it sounds like it would be for the wrong reasons. You've acknowledged this much though, by realizing it is your hurt feelings that inspire these thoughts. If you do decide to tell his wife, understand that the fall-out will affect you, as well. You might think it will make you feel better, and maybe once the dust settles, it will; but it could also have dire consequences. Use caution. 2
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Your feelings are perfectly understandable; and while it would be better for MM's wife to know the truth, it sounds like it would be for the wrong reasons. You've acknowledged this much though, by realizing it is your hurt feelings that inspire these thoughts. If you do decide to tell his wife, understand that the fall-out will affect you, as well. You might think it will make you feel better, and maybe once the dust settles, it will; but it could also have dire consequences. Use caution. Rebel It is entirely for the wrong reasons. I am just so angry right now knowing that I am here hurting, and he wanted to "stay friends" so that he wouldn't look like such a bad guy. I want to just scream obscenities at him to make me feel better. I have worked so hard to take the high road and bow out gracefully so that he doesn't know how much I am hurting, because in my mind that gives him more power. And he doesn't deserve any power over my thoughts or emotions. I don't want to destroy a marriage, there has already been some fallout, granted it was minor since the truth was not provided. But, I want so badly for him to suffer some consequences for his actions It's all hurt feelings right now....
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It's been a difficult weekend, and the reoccurring thought that she doesn't know the whole story keeps popping into my head. I have stopped all contact and sent a NC email to MM, but I seem to be stuck on that fact. I don't want to contact her and give her the information, but it just infuriates me that she thinks I was just a friend he knew. A simple check at the phone logs would reveal something entirely different. I know that I am just having some hurt feelings, and I know that I don't know what she does or doesn't know... But I just want him to be suffering, not going on family vacations, playing happy husband as he protects his gravy train. I know this should pass, and some should say that I should contact her and tell her. That is something at this point I am just not comfortable doing. She was informed via an anonymous email that just alluded to the fact that so etching was going on, no proof or conformation. Part of me wants the emailer to stoke again Ugh... I will never let myself get in this situation again. So many lessons learned!! Then go on with your life and don't look back. Forget him and change your cell number and your email so he can't contact you. Once your anger passes, you'll want to really move on and you won't be focusing on wanting him to suffer or thinking of too much. But, you need to be pro active and keep busy, push thoughts of him, his wife, their marriage out of your head. Fight it and tell yourself you just don't care anymore. With time on your side and total NC, you can get through this and get over him as well. Detachment happens naturally, the more time you don't see or speak to him, push him out of your head, you just detach and then you'll just care less overall. 3
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I have worked so hard to take the high road and bow out gracefully so that he doesn't know how much I am hurting, because in my mind that gives him more power. And he doesn't deserve any power over my thoughts or emotions. This is such great insight! Last thing you want is for him to know how you're feeling. Silence is golden and says much more than words do, especially since NC is in place. 1
Goodbye Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I have a thread on this exact topic. My exMM and I parted ways back in March. He claims he told his wife. I know he didn't. Yes, it is sour grapes. It pisses me off that he plonks along in the façade of a happy married life while she has NO clue what he's been up to, what he's been saying and doing, for the past year. I freely admit that telling her would be for some benefit to me. Like you, it is not my thing to out someone and I have not been able to fully muster the resources to do so. Wish I could say it gets easier. Its been 2 months and I still debate it daily. Who emailed her? How do you know someone did so? 1
scatterd Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) As a wife I would not care how I found out as long as I knew.Chances are if I was sent a E-mail I would not notice because I have so much junk mail.It would have to say something like husbands name is cheating in big letters because I go through my mail as fast as I can. I think knowing is better then not. Not knowing can hurt worse then knowing.My husband treated me badly for a while and I suspected he was cheating but had no proof. Do what you think you should do if you feel she needs to know resend but know the out come is different with every circumstance. Edited July 1, 2013 by scatterd 1
scatterd Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 If you do deside to tell give proof because she would still be left with knowing and not being able to do anything about it.
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Who emailed her? How do you know someone did so? MM showed me a screenshot of the email that was sent. It basically just alludes to the fact that there is a friend he spends a lot of time with. He reports to me that things were pretty bad at home But again, that is all what he tells me. I knows the actual truth. We kept in communication a couple weeks after the email was sent, but began NC, on my insistence, a couple of weeks later. I saw that he was choosing hs wife, and wanted to begin the process of me not being in th picture. This was a man that I would talk to on multiple occasions during the day/night and not having that communicatin has been difficult. I think that is one of the things I am trying not to miss. The constant how are you, what are you doing, how is your day, just checking in communication. I realized him much we really talked to each other, and how it was at all points of the day.
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 BS here, so take it for what its worth I was told through an anon text which was hell and felt like it was done not to enlighten me but to stab at me- If I had a choice it would be: if she wanted to disclose, she should have given my husband X amount of time to do so and then had me text or email her to know it was done-then I would have had the truth with out all the drama that comes with an out of the blue, lots of loose ends kind of drama stuff- Would you be able to contact him and say I need your wife to know and will tell her in 2 weeks if you do not? Stromgernow Thank you for your insight and I appreciate your willingness to provide input to me. I go back and forth about contacting her. My guess is after the email was sent a "story" was created that makes him not the cheating husband that he is so that he can protect the lifestyle the he lives as her husband. His wife is the Vice President of a company and the major bread winner of the family. I am torn about any type of contact because at this point it is for the wrong reasons. I want it to hurt him, not disclose additional information to her. I know that some would say that I have an obligation to tell, but I am just trying to exit gracefully and let them work through their problems. My guess is he will stray again and will have other opportunities to get caught. Again, thank you for your input and sharing with me your story.
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 As a wife I would not care how I found out as long as I knew.Chances are if I was sent a E-mail I would not notice because I have so much junk mail.It would have to say something like husbands name is cheating in big letters because I go through my mail as fast as I can. I think knowing is better then not. Not knowing can hurt worse then knowing.My husband treated me badly for a while and I suspected he was cheating but had no proof. Do what you think you should do if you feel she needs to know resend but know the out come is different with every circumstance. I did not send the email, we do not know who sent it. It was someone that just questioned our friendship and made her aware of it. No proof was sent, and as far as I know, no other emails have been sent. I know that last night I was very emotional because his lies to her just made me feel even worse about the situation. I am dealing with guilt, hurt feelings, anger, sadness, and a host of other emotions. Last night was just me wanting him to suffer, have sme consequences, to just feel like his world has ended. There are literally thousands and thousands of text messages or phone calls that were made between the two of us and I think that would provide her some basic information as to the actual level of our relationship. But to my knowledge she did not pull his phone records.... Last night I was wanting the anonymous emailer to send her a hint to check the phone records, that it would provide a lot of information to her. Thanks for your input. I am really taking what everyone says and trying to apply it to my situation.
junejuly Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Don't send an email, go to the door, or her work or arrange to meet. Honesty is the best policy.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Rebel It is entirely for the wrong reasons. I am just so angry right now knowing that I am here hurting, and he wanted to "stay friends" so that he wouldn't look like such a bad guy. I want to just scream obscenities at him to make me feel better. I have worked so hard to take the high road and bow out gracefully so that he doesn't know how much I am hurting, because in my mind that gives him more power. And he doesn't deserve any power over my thoughts or emotions. I don't want to destroy a marriage, there has already been some fallout, granted it was minor since the truth was not provided. But, I want so badly for him to suffer some consequences for his actions It's all hurt feelings right now.... He wanted to stay friends to make himself feel better? I can see why you're so upset with him. I really can. It's good that you're doing everything you can to deny him anymore power over you. I know it's difficult, but don't tell her just because you want him to suffer. Like I said, you have every right to feel that way; but if you tell her while you're upset, the way in which she's told might be harder on her, as well. Try to focus on maintaining NC, and keep yourself busy with other things. If you do tell his wife, it might be best if you can arrange to meet in person. A frightening prospect, I'm sure, but it would probably go a long way toward healing, along with giving his wife the truth-which she has a right to know-in a manner that shows respect.
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 He wanted to stay friends to make himself feel better? I can see why you're so upset with him. I really can. It's good that you're doing everything you can to deny him anymore power over you. I know it's difficult, but don't tell her just because you want him to suffer. Like I said, you have every right to feel that way; but if you tell her while you're upset, the way in which she's told might be harder on her, as well. Try to focus on maintaining NC, and keep yourself busy with other things. If you do tell his wife, it might be best if you can arrange to meet in person. A frightening prospect, I'm sure, but it would probably go a long way toward healing, along with giving his wife the truth-which she has a right to know-in a manner that shows respect. Oh yeah, if we stay friends then he didn't hurt me, didn't lie about me, we walk away still being friends... Some interesting thinking I thnk. I thnk what helps the most is that I can see him very clearly for the very broken man that he is. He will never be happy, because be doesn't know how to be happy. He is lying to himself, which creates lies in every action of his life. I don't want a broken man, who has to feel good only when people make him feel good. He has to learn how to do that on his own. He is set for a miserable life full of unhappiness, and I can get over the hurt and pain and be happy. :-) 1
ComingInHot Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Exactly what my H tried to pull on exOW. THINKING... Of he is "friends" w/her, she wouldn't out him. When she cauchy on there was No real friendship, she emailed me anon and quite just & angry. She wanted to make sure we Both hurt... Ouch.
HopingAgain Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Exactly what my H tried to pull on exOW. THINKING... Of he is "friends" w/her, she wouldn't out him. When she cauchy on there was No real friendship, she emailed me anon and quite just & angry. She wanted to make sure we Both hurt... Ouch. As a BS, this is the type of OW I would retaliate against, just being honest. One that wanted to purposely hurt me just to get back at my husband. If you weren't thinking of me during the affair, don't think of me afterwards. I would prefer not to be informed by a vengeful OW just for the sake of vengeance, and if she did so Pandoras box would be opened upon her! 1
Goodbye Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 As a BS, this is the type of OW I would retaliate against, just being honest. One that wanted to purposely hurt me just to get back at my husband. If you weren't thinking of me during the affair, don't think of me afterwards. I would prefer not to be informed by a vengeful OW just for the sake of vengeance, and if she did so Pandoras box would be opened upon her! It seems like one of those "bad if you do, bad if you don't" situations with OW telling the BS. 2
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Exactly what my H tried to pull on exOW. THINKING... Of he is "friends" w/her, she wouldn't out him. When she cauchy on there was No real friendship, she emailed me anon and quite just & angry. She wanted to make sure we Both hurt... Ouch. That is why I am choosing to just walk away from the situation and let him set his own trap. It will happen again, I have no doubts. My hurt feelings want him hurt, but know that I don't want to inflict any additional pain on his wife. Hopefully, she sees the situation with eyes wide open and when things don't start adding up does some investigating on her own. 2
Goodbye Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I did not send the email, we do not know who sent it. It was someone that just questioned our friendship and made her aware of it. No proof was sent, and as far as I know, no other emails have been sent. I know that last night I was very emotional because his lies to her just made me feel even worse about the situation. I am dealing with guilt, hurt feelings, anger, sadness, and a host of other emotions. Last night was just me wanting him to suffer, have sme consequences, to just feel like his world has ended. There are literally thousands and thousands of text messages or phone calls that were made between the two of us and I think that would provide her some basic information as to the actual level of our relationship. But to my knowledge she did not pull his phone records.... Last night I was wanting the anonymous emailer to send her a hint to check the phone records, that it would provide a lot of information to her. Thanks for your input. I am really taking what everyone says and trying to apply it to my situation. Doesn't it freak you out a bit that someone is keeping tabs on you to the point of sending anonymous emails to the BS? I'd want to know who did that.
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 As a BS, this is the type of OW I would retaliate against, just being honest. One that wanted to purposely hurt me just to get back at my husband. If you weren't thinking of me during the affair, don't think of me afterwards. I would prefer not to be informed by a vengeful OW just for the sake of vengeance, and if she did so Pandoras box would be opened upon her! I agree with you 100%. I am not making any sort of contact, just working through hurt feelings. Thanks for your input 2
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Doesn't it freak you out a bit that someone is keeping tabs on you to the point of sending anonymous emails to the BS? I'd want to know who did that. I agree. Who else knows of your affair? Any of your friends? Mutual friends of exMM and his wife? 1
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Doesn't it freak you out a bit that someone is keeping tabs on you to the point of sending anonymous emails to the BS? I'd want to know who did that. Yes it did and yes I do!!! I have suspicions of who it might be, but knowing who at this point won't do any good, the damage is done. The emails were very vague and just alluded to something going on, so I think they were just going off a gut feeling, rather than having any actual proof or ideas. I don't think the person who sent the email had any idea of what really was going on, just suspicions. The only good that came out of this was that it opened my eyes and I see hm for the person he really is. I am disappointed in myself and working through the feelings of guilt that I have for my role in the situation. Hopefully MM will realize what is important to him and focus on truth and openness in his marriage. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 If his wife ever calls or emails you, then you can talk to her and apologize for your part in the affair, answer her questions if she has any. Until then, (and it seems like you've made your decision, at least for now, not to tell her) do your absolute best to push ALL thoughts of him out of your head and keep busy with good friends and family. Grieve the loss of your A and him, the sooner you can work through that pain and make yourself get over him, the better off you'll be. Life is short! So don't waste your energy or tears on someone who is already married and not worth it. 2
Author Ssgrimes Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I agree. Who else knows of your affair? Any of your friends? Mutual friends of exMM and his wife? I only shared with one person the extent of our relationship. It was something that I was not proud of and didn't want it shared. There were several people that saw us interacting on a friend level for over a year. He was not shy about expressing his feelings in front of others, even those that know his wife. We were friends for about 18 months before it moved to a different level. Once that happened, though our friendship began to suffer. I knew what we were doing was wrong, and slowly began to establish distance. When the email was sent, we had not been intimate for 6 weeks. The relationship was ending on its own. No one knew the details of that.
HopingAgain Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I agree with you 100%. I am not making any sort of contact, just working through hurt feelings. Thanks for your input You're welcome. You are correct in that he will eventually slip up and hang himself. Chances are, his wife has already observed some suspicious behavior coming from him and he will get cockier and more careless as time goes on thinking he can get away with his behavior. She will wind up catching him! In the meantime, focus on your healing and happiness! 1
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