Bunnyrabbit Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 By that I mean if you and your husband are on a "break" and pretty much separated and maybe divorcing. But if you're still entangled with each other and one still has feelings and have no desire to meet someone new. Do you think it's still possible to be even open to meeting someone new in life?
BluEyeL Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 No, you need to wait until the current turmoil is behind you, otherwise there are very low chances of success. Just don't date now, wait to put the current situation behind you, and if the person you want to date is still available then, you can continue from were you left off.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 This is one of the most vulnerable states to be in where you're highly susceptible to becoming emotionally entangled with someone...not because of necessarily genuine feelings with someone, but because in the state of confusion, distraught and support you may need to feel grounded or connected again....it's a delusion that can be very misleading but you're not in this balanced state, you're a result of your last relationship, that is the state you are in....while you're in it however, you cannot tell the degree of this. In other words both of you are easy targets for emotional validation and escaping through a fantasy of another "romance".
L1ght Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) Its possible to meet new people and even get laid but the truth is that its never a fulfilling relationship until you have moved on from your last partner and your heart is truly open to somebody new. The chances are that you will just end up hurting the new person you are with as they become more emotionally invested in the relationship while you are emotionally unavailable due to you still being invested in your ex. Been there, done that on both sides of the coin and its ugly. I suggest you search for friendships or casual partners instead of relationships until you have moved on from your ex. Edited July 1, 2013 by L1ght
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 whatsover and to the degree it almost scares me. We understand that we are not working out but him not being ready to divorce yet he "wants to explore". When I confronted him about that he said "he's not going to sleep around but maybe have coffee with someone". Whatever...I know I won't go back to him after his "exploring" anyway. But here's the thing. Even though I know in my head that we are over and done I still love him and I can't even imagine being with anyone else. I feel like I'm loyal to a fault and my heart is shot down. I seriously have no desire to date, meet someone new and try to start a new history with a new person. I just don't get it how other people do it and how they move on so easily. I'm not saying everybody moves on so easy but many do and I don't understand how they can move on that quickly and why I can't see myself with someone else even though I know we are not working out.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Because people put themselves first often before others...so what they need takes supersedes that of a emotional investment/obligation that is no longer fulfilling their current desires/needs. You are definitely loyal to a fault as many women are, this is where you should immediately leave and read the writing on the wall...but you'll hope that what he says is actually true and that deep down somewhere he feels the exact same way as you do or may even come to his sense...I'm not exactly sure exactly where you are emotionally right now, It sounds like you're in peril and confusion though...not knowing what to think. But the guy is definitely looking for more than just "coffee", more like a vagina latte, but he's not going to come out and say it, he's going to lie to you and himself as well through this process...I hope you know better than to trust him. And remember your dignity and pride is worth more than sacrificing for any man, if you feel like you need to go against your values and beliefs to accommodate a man you're selling yourself for this supposed "love" which says a lot about your emotional state and insecurities...maybe even this "fixer" mentality. Sounds like you will be in denial for some time and no doubt he will use that to his advantage to fabricate his true intentions...as a man it's clear what he is doing, he definitely is testing the waters and seeing if the grass is greener on the other side and if he does manage to meet someone else he'll say it just "happened" and he never intended it to go past "coffee" and if he's a good manipulator he'll lie to the other woman and have her just as loyal as you are...not to mention some women love that competition of winning over that man...so you sound like you're in for a possible world of hurt and heartbreak that is going to be very detrimental to your psyche and emotions, this will set you back for a while if you go through something like that....this can lead to something very damaging. Right now you're going to try and wrap your mind around something you cannot understand and likely will not ever understand because of that emotional block, because of the way you work...you should just separate and ultimately divorce instead of waiting on his watch....I would strongly advise you not to wait, but since you are likely not going to want to "give up" even though he already is, I think you're going to wait for the possibility of him to come back...and that's a saddening proposition that you are willing to settle for....for yourself, unfortunately you need to stronger than that to save yourself, but you simply may not be...I feel bad for the "confusion" and excessive questions and understanding you will struggle to gain when you are simply in denial and cannot accept the reality in order to do so.
L1ght Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 whatsover and to the degree it almost scares me. We understand that we are not working out but him not being ready to divorce yet he "wants to explore". When I confronted him about that he said "he's not going to sleep around but maybe have coffee with someone". Whatever...I know I won't go back to him after his "exploring" anyway. But here's the thing. Even though I know in my head that we are over and done I still love him and I can't even imagine being with anyone else. I feel like I'm loyal to a fault and my heart is shot down. I seriously have no desire to date, meet someone new and try to start a new history with a new person. I just don't get it how other people do it and how they move on so easily. I'm not saying everybody moves on so easy but many do and I don't understand how they can move on that quickly and why I can't see myself with someone else even though I know we are not working out. That's the thing. We don't move on easily and generally the following relationships after our ex turn into train wrecks because we still havn't dealt with all of those lingering issues that eat away at our psyche. It's all part of the process and I think most people go through it before finding a relationship they are willing to become invested in again. You are in a tough spot and it sounds like you are still holding onto hope that you will fix the relationship with your husband so for that reason alone I think you need to make a serious choice about which direction you want to go in and stick with it.
carhill Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 OP, it's quite common in my demographic for people to date casually and even enjoy interim relationships whilst being in the throes of ambivalence. Each person is different in how they process and handle relationships. Myself, I like alone time to grieve, process and learn. Other people do not need nor want that so move from one interaction to another, not minding any overlap of feelings, if extant. As a woman, it's generally easier to attract attention and have such interim relationships even if you feel 'entangled', as one is generally allowing it to happen, rather than overtly prosecuting it, as is customary for a man. Given that you and your H live in different states and no children are involved, my advice would be to try dating and see what happens. Even if you're completely clear and honest about your 'entanglement', I'm confident you'll find plenty of men who are interested in dating you, even if casually. Nothing unhealthy about that if it works for you. See how it goes. Good luck.
Author Bunnyrabbit Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Wow, that really hit home. Thank you for taking the time to respond! Believe me, I'm not planning on getting together once he's had his break. I wouldn't trust him. But here's the problem right now. Since he wouldn't "give" me a divorce I kind of just "fell" into a break because I have to leave for the summer for a health emergency. So I don't have the time to file and deal with that before leaving. I would have liked to have some closure that's for sure but my hands are tied. On top of this I happened to come across something interesting tonight when I checked our finances online. We can both check our charges online so it's not like we can hide anything from each other. But I noticed he's been to the dr so I looked this dr up and he's a vasectomy dr?? When I spoke with hubby later on I asked him if he's seen a dr because I wanted to see if he was going to tell me. "Oh, I went to a dr to consult about a vasectomy since you and I don't have kids and I'm getting older", he says. I asked him if he didn't think this was kind of weird because of where we are in our marriage right now? I asked him if he was planning on sleeping around and worried if he'd get someone pregnant? He thought I was looking into things too much and even IF he would to sleep with anyone else he would definitely protect himself. But he wasn't planning on sleeping around anyway but this was more about him finding himself in a new city. I know him enough to know that he's very responsible and he wouldn't risk his health. But why look into a vasectomy NOW?? Is HE in denial of where we are in our marriage? This just doesn't make sense to me. What am I missing here?
health Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 By that I mean if you and your husband are on a "break" and pretty much separated and maybe divorcing. But if you're still entangled with each other and one still has feelings and have no desire to meet someone new. Do you think it's still possible to be even open to meeting someone new in life? Nope! The only way to fall in love is when you're in a state of love yourself. When people just get out of relationships they are filled with pain or delusion. Usually if they rebound 5 years or less later, they're at worse spots. I can't stress Anti quick fix enough. I just read of a guy whose on the verge of divorce - and the only reason he married was cause his friends were pushing it together. He was just off a painful breakup and self destructive tendencies - his whole 5 year plus marriage was essentially a waste. Healing and feeling whole - as a single is key. After divorce or long term relationships - that one year alone rule is sooo important!
hayewils Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 There is no way in hell I am dating anytime soon. I can not understand how people can move on to a new relationship so soon. Well, yes I can. They weren't emotionally invested in the relationship to begin with. I do not have any desire at all whatsoever to date again. If it happens which im sure one day it will, but it will only be after a couple of years. I fully intend on taking all the time I need for me... I want to completely heal before I get into anything.. What I want is to mind my own business, go to work and take care of me. Everyone else will have to wait..
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