RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 We went out on a date twice. Had sex the second date. But he said he needed more time to think about it if he wants to take it to the next level. He said no sex with other people until we figure out what to do. He also said that we have a strong connection and chemistry is there. Couple times people actually told us they noticed how much fun we are having together. We just said "we are" and smiled at them. I really like him and he's right we have this strong connection. We have the same level of energy. Our humor matches. Conversion flows smoothly. We're so attracted to each other. He's totally my type and he said I'm totally his type. I have not felt this kind of attraction for so long and Im scared that I will end up getting hurt. I'm aware we had sex too soon. Please I don't need to be judged or blamed. I'm wondering if I should settle with " no sex with other people" if what I want from him is a relationship or just move on? Like what I said before, he agreed to be exclusive that's why I had sex with him ( he was aware I wouldn't have sex until were exclusively dating) but I had to text him to clarify and to set our expectations. After a few texts he said he needed more time to think about it and we need more time to get to know each other. He said no sex with other people. Pretty much that's where we at now. You're not a mind-reader. I'd like the OP to answer about the content of her text messages. SG... No mind-reading required. Just post-reading. OP, another option is to do nothing. Stop having sex with him until you are clear what he is actually looking for... But here is the deal... he was willing to fudge a bit already. Why should you trust what he tells you about his goals now? He could pretty much just say anything like he has already... right?
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 SG... No mind-reading required. Just post-reading. OP, another option is to do nothing. Stop having sex with him until you are clear what he is actually looking for... But here is the deal... he was willing to fudge a bit already. Why should you trust what he tells you about his goals now? He could pretty much just say anything like he has already... right? With all due respect, she hasn't said anything about what she's actually said to him. It's all incredibly vague. I want specifics. What did she say to set "expectations"? Everything was fine until she started texting him about "expectations" - after TWO dates. I want to know what she said. I don't need you quoting vague comments for me. I can read. 1
SJC2008 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Mabye I'll just do some acid and dream myslef into Mayberry lol. I thought "Taking it to the next level" was a relationship but in todays "Phuk first ask questions last" society it's the exact opposite. You tried to reel one in with your vag. It doesn't work that way, we (not men like me) always take the bait! 2
tbf Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 This is kinda why I have a hard time believing they had agreed to "exclusivity" before the sex. If that's the case, what else is there to discuss and why is she suddenly bothered by the termsthey supposedly mutually agreed to beforehand?It sounds like they have differing views of what exclusivity means and when she texted him to clarify, he balked at her definition. 1
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 You're not a mind-reader. I'd like the OP to answer about the content of her text messages. Pretty much what I told him that being exclusive means that we shouldn't date other people, make out with other people, sleep with other people and online dating accounts should be deactivated. I think they are reasonable expectations. I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page when we said we're dating "exclusively".
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Pretty much what I told him that being exclusive means that we shouldn't date other people, make out with other people, sleep with other people and online dating accounts should be deactivated. I think they are reasonable expectations. I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page when we said we're dating "exclusively". And you both agreed to be "exclusive" - using THAT word ("we are exclusive") -before he stuck it in? Or, did you just talk about not sleeping with other people? Because that's what it sounds like. It sounds like before sex, he agreed that he's not sexing anyone else, and that you took that a step further after the fact. True? 1
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I'm going to agree, a man that agrees to being exclusive after only two dates is probably doing so in your case because sex was tied into it. I am not sure reading your posts why you want to be exclusive with this man other than this 'strong connection' you two have after only two dates. From his perspective the connection doesnt seem strong enough for him to guarantee exclusivity. So why are you pressed to get tied down with him? I know you dont want to be blamed by us for sleeping with him on the second date. But in all reality, it doesnt look very promising. I honestly think had you waited a few more dates you probably could have a) figured out his intentions and b) thought more logically about your own needs and wants 2
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 This is kinda why I have a hard time believing they had agreed to "exclusivity" before the sex. If that's the case, what else is there to discuss and why is she suddenly bothered by the termsthey supposedly mutually agreed to beforehand? I'm here asking for advice, why would I lie about anything? We agreed to be exclusive before the sex and after the sex. It just changed when we were texting. Maybe he got annoyed or something that he already agreed but I still had to keep asking.
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 And you both agreed to be "exclusive" - using THAT word ("we are exclusive") -before he stuck it in? Or, did you just talk about not sleeping with other people? Because that's what it sounds like. It sounds like before sex, he agreed that he's not sexing anyone else, and that you took that a step further after the fact. True? No, we agreed to be exclusive. We even mentioned the word bf and gf and relationship.
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 No, we agreed to be exclusive. We even mentioned the word bf and gf and relationship. Well then, he's a jerk. 4
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I'm going to agree, a man that agrees to being exclusive after only two dates is probably doing so in your case because sex was tied into it. I am not sure reading your posts why you want to be exclusive with this man other than this 'strong connection' you two have after only two dates. From his perspective the connection doesnt seem strong enough for him to guarantee exclusivity. So why are you pressed to get tied down with him? I know you dont want to be blamed by us for sleeping with him on the second date. But in all reality, it doesnt look very promising. I honestly think had you waited a few more dates you probably could have a) figured out his intentions and b) thought more logically about your own needs and wants Actually, he's the one who brought up that we have a strong connection and I agree, I feel the same way. We feel comfortable around each other like we know each other for a long time. Maybe that why I wasn't afraid to tell him what I was thinking. With other guys I've dated I was so careful about what to say, how to act but not with this guy and he's the same way.
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Actually, he's the one who brought up that we have a strong connection and I agree, I feel the same way. We feel comfortable around each other like we know each other for a long time. Maybe that why I wasn't afraid to tell him what I was thinking. With other guys I've dated I was so careful about what to say, how to act but not with this guy and he's the same way. Whether he intentionally misled you or simply changed his mind about wanting to be in a relationship with you, the fact is that now he doesn't sound keen on being exclusive. I'd cut bait and move on, and remember this for the next time: Don't sex on the second date. 2
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Well then, he's a jerk. When we parted ways, he even asked when we will see each other again and we made plans to see each other on Wednesday. Like couple dating exclusively that see each other regularly.
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 To save face? Why does anyone lie about anything? I'm not saying you definitely are lying, just that (and maybe it has something to do with the way your articulated yourself) some things didn't seem to add up. Also, whatever way it went down, you last statement makes it sound as if you think your asking for clarification made him change his mind and blame yourself. It's doubtful. Whatever ideas he had about the direction of your relationship were likely already there well before you sent that text. Although it's a convenient excuse for him. I told him even before this date that I wouldn't have sex until I'm in an exclusive relationship. After our first date, the next day, he invited me to go with him as a date to his friends birthday but I did not go. That's another reason why I felt comfortable that he really wanted a relationship with me when he agreed to be exclusive.
JessieJ08 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 If I were you now I would back off a lot you have already did too much... Its hard when you have sex so early because people dont know if you do that normally with other ppl. thats why he said you guys cant have sex with other people because he doesnt want to be with a girl that might be like that ok. Another thing relationships Don't have rules Lol Let the person gain your trust by them acting and giving you more commitment then you can let your guard down. Not tell them how they have to act or what they have to do relationships aren't games. So yes you need to back up but let him know that you were joking about these rules and chill out tell him can take all the time he needs let him know you dont normally sleep with guys so soon and that it went a little fast for you so your freaked out. Be honest with him give him time not too much but some at least dont talk to him or bug him for a coupe days just wait if he then says he wants nothing then let him go.
Ripnet Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I told him even before this date that I wouldn't have sex until I'm in an exclusive relationship. After our first date, the next day, he invited me to go with him as a date to his friends birthday but I did not go. That's another reason why I felt comfortable that he really wanted a relationship with me when he agreed to be exclusive. I would not have sex with him if I was you. It's a FWB or f** buddy. Does matter what happened in the past. Also 2 dates is too soon to agree or even ask for exclusivity.
Sunshine87 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) Hey. My thoughts? #1- I honestly don't see how refraining from having sex with other people, is something that's a big deal. So what if you agree to have sex with only one another? That does not imply a real commitment. He is still getting the goods from you. #2- I don't know how old you are and what you are looking for I.e if you want a LTR that could lead to a partnership or marriage. Or if you are just looking for a boyfriend. If it is the former, then you are going about it the wrong way. You seem so focused/ fixated on what I would term an "artificial form of exclusivity". If he decides to become exclusive today, give you the GF title, he could very well dump you in two months. See yourself as the prize. Becoming GF and BF is not the ultimate. You could be BF and GF with no core strengths to the relationship. The more important things include his intentions, his short term goals and desires ( is he looking for a stable commitment or not?), his plans, his ideals. How about you? Do you know him enough to decipher whether or not he is relationship potential? Why are you so obsessed with prematurely becoming boyfriend and girlfriend right now? Chill out if not it will crash. Sure he might agree to exclusivity, but it won't last! #3- I think you should stop sleeping with him. Give YOURSELF some space from him in order to get yourself together. Try and wean yourself off him so that you will be able to make more practical and sound decisions. #4- In my last long term relationship, I brought up the relationship talk. At that point, it was obvious that we were crazy about each other. He was crazy about me and vice versa. We would talk all day long, everyday. So deep down, I knew that we would eventually get into a relationship. That was a unique scenario and I wouldn't advise any female to take that route unless it was categorically clear from the guy's actions, that he really and genuinely care about her. Avoid pressuring a man for a relationship. If he does not want one, he might succumb to make you happy but only temporarily. #5- Nobody knows the intentions of this guy....so your best bet is to protect yourself from any further hurt. I personally would not agree to the "sex with us" arrangement because all it means is "we will be kicking it but not with anyone else". In other words, he is making a physical commitment to you but not an emotional commitment. You want an emotional commitment and with that comes a physical as well as other commitments. Infact, this arrangement suits him just fine. We all know that men are better able to separate sex from emotions. So he wants an arrangement that would ensure he keeps getting the goods but without the emotional commitment. This is the opposite of what you want. Why do you see it as a good offer? It isn't. He is oh so willing to continue sleeping with you. Great. Stop sleeping With him. But don't say anything else about commitment. If you are strong enough, hang out with in public places. Don't make things awkward by verbalising your resolve not to have sex. Don't tell him that you don't want to have sex. Just avoid it. Avoid situations that would encourage sex and begin to detach emotionally. If he likes you enough, he will notice you are a bit distant and reach out....you can cross the bridge by seeking more advice if you get to that point. Edited July 1, 2013 by Sunshine87
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 With all due respect, she hasn't said anything about what she's actually said to him. It's all incredibly vague. I want specifics. What did she say to set "expectations"? Everything was fine until she started texting him about "expectations" - after TWO dates. I want to know what she said. I don't need you quoting vague comments for me. I can read. Ok... then read some more.... This is about what HE is saying. He is saying he is ok with being sexually exclusive... but now says he wants to leave the door open after the fact. Who cares if it was after two dates? If he wants to do this vague language mumbo jumbo and make someone pull out the dictionary to define what 'exclusive' is, then he's someone who is not to be trusted. Probably not for sexual exclusivity either if she is obliged pick through his words like a trial lawyer. That said, she could have avoided this situation by waiting to see if his actions line up with his words. Still, that doesn't exempt him from responsibility... and why I'm suggesting she dump him rather than 'reward' him for his artful crafting of the word 'exclusive'.
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) Stop sleeping With him. But don't say anything else about commitment. If you are strong enough, hang out with in public places. Don't make things awkward by verbalising your resolve not to have sex. Don't tell him that you don't want to have sex. Just avoid it. Avoid situations that would encourage sex and begin to detach emotionally. If he likes you enough, he will notice you are a bit distant and reach out....you can cross the bridge by seeking more advice if you get to that point. OP, this is another alternative you might take if you care to spend the time on this guy. Me? I think he's established that he will string words together to get what he wants in the moment, even if he doesn't mean it. Not a thoughtful or considerate man IMHO. Do yourself a favor and find other ways to sort this out other than sex. Edited: SG, I see you came to the same conclusion as I did on Page 3. Sorry... didn't see it till just now. I agree he is a jerk. Edited July 1, 2013 by RedRobin
sillyanswer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 My mistake was when I texted him to ask him again about being exclusive, he agreed but I gave him all these rules about being exclusive. So he already agreed about being exclusive. What were the extra rules?
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) It sounds like they have differing views of what exclusivity means and when she texted him to clarify, he balked at her definition. Posted for relevance. Guess what OP... you are now a 'FWB' whether you like it or not. He's just choosing to tell you he is 'sexually exclusive' with you rather than use the FWB word because he knows you'd never go along with that. There are a few men here on LS who actively coach other men on how to rope a relationship oriented woman into a FWB arrangement exactly this way.. Use a lot of vague language and weasel words, basically. I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Personally, I feel the guy is a liar and a schmuck for abusing your trust and acting like a desperate little boy who has to lie to get sex... but again, there is only one good way to weed through these types of guys. I know you don't want to be his go-to girl for sex while he plays the field. Very sorry things turned out this way... and I've said enough. Felt the need to post more on this thread because I see this happening to women a lot. Good luck going forward, OP. Whatever you decide. Edited July 1, 2013 by RedRobin 1
silvermercy Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 At best he's a FWB. At worst he's a player. Or at least a person who subconsciously employs the methods of a player. He could very well be the latter. Because unless he's really really really stupid (I doubt it) he would surely know that by having "exclusive" continuous sex with a woman is "dangerous" territory for him (as the woman may get attached). So if he agreed to this exclusivity, fully aware of this fact (how could he not?), then he's a some kind of player. He gets to have all the power to call the shots, he gets exclusive sex from you and, last but not least, he does all this WITHOUT GUILT. You are fully aware of the fact that you are exclusive BUT at the same time you have been warned about everything. If I was you, I would run.
TG1 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 We went out on a date twice. Had sex the second date. But he said he needed more time to think about it if he wants to take it to the next level. He said no sex with other people until we figure out what to do. He also said that we have a strong connection and chemistry is there. Couple times people actually told us they noticed how much fun we are having together. We just said "we are" and smiled at them. I really like him and he's right we have this strong connection. We have the same level of energy. Our humor matches. Conversion flows smoothly. We're so attracted to each other. He's totally my type and he said I'm totally his type. I have not felt this kind of attraction for so long and Im scared that I will end up getting hurt. I'm aware we had sex too soon. Please I don't need to be judged or blamed. I'm wondering if I should settle with " no sex with other people" if what I want from him is a relationship or just move on? If he is taking this long to make a decision, then maybe you should cut your losses because if he is making you wait like this for him, for that long, then he is just delaying the inevitable, the inevitable being that he is probably not ready for a relationship especially while you hold out hope
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 He's online dating account is inactive now, which is one of the things I told him I expect him to do. So the only thing he hasn't done is agreeing to not date other people. I'm giving him space. He texted last but I'm not planning to text him anytime soon. Another thing is, we agreed that we are not gonna disappear on each other. If we think its not working, we would let each other know and not just disappear.
Phantom888 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 This is the problem when you have sex before establishing the fundamentals. It's too late now I know, but this is messy because there is a chance you two are not on the same page. I hate it when men do this crap to women. I mean, if you don't want to commit to anything, tell her that FIRST so she can make a sound decision on whether or not to have sex with you! Geez... My lady and I had sex on our 2nd date also, but before we had sex, I told her we HAVE to be exclusive and be in a relationship or I cannot have sex with her. She agreed. You are all adults, so there is really no reason not to talk about these important items. Right now the man has control over the OP. I don't think this will work, as they are not at the same level of interest.
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