Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 We went out on a date twice. Had sex the second date. But he said he needed more time to think about it if he wants to take it to the next level. He said no sex with other people until we figure out what to do. He also said that we have a strong connection and chemistry is there. Couple times people actually told us they noticed how much fun we are having together. We just said "we are" and smiled at them. I really like him and he's right we have this strong connection. We have the same level of energy. Our humor matches. Conversion flows smoothly. We're so attracted to each other. He's totally my type and he said I'm totally his type. I have not felt this kind of attraction for so long and Im scared that I will end up getting hurt. I'm aware we had sex too soon. Please I don't need to be judged or blamed. I'm wondering if I should settle with " no sex with other people" if what I want from him is a relationship or just move on?
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I think he's handling this the right way, and you're expecting too much too soon. How can he be sure he's ready to stop exploring his options after only two dates? 3
sillyanswer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You want a relationship after 2 dates but he wants to think about it. I can't say that I blame him! Can you really be sure you want a relationship after only a few hours together? 3
pyramid Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 He didn't say no relationship, he said he needs more time. You can keep seeing or not keep seeing him... keep having sex or take a step back. I think it's admirable that he's being honest that he's not sure if he's ready for a commitment. 1
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 The thing is he agreed to be exclusive when I talked to him the other day. My mistake was when I texted him to ask him again about being exclusive, he agreed but I gave him all these rules about being exclusive.
KungFuJoe Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It's funny that you're asking us if YOU should cut and run or not and I'm sitting here thinking that HE should be the one to run for the hills! 3
clia Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You've had two dates with him. Giving him rules? What? If you want a relationship, don't have sex until that is established. But now that is all water under the bridge. He's trying to figure out what to do, because it seems that he does like you, but everything is happening so quickly that he doesn't know what to do. The best thing for you to do right now is to chill out, agree to exclusivity with respect to sex, and go out on four to six more dates with him to determine whether or not he is actually boyfriend worthy. Is he? 2
shexy Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 It's only been 2 dates.....IMO that's a little quick to decide if you want a relationship or not. If it were me, I'd get to know him a little better before deciding if you want to be in a committed relationship or not. Im not judging for having sex on the second date - I'd be lying if I said I never did that before. But I will say that in the instances when I've had sex way too soon, it just didn't ever work out. It's too much too quick.
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 2 dates or not... He had the option of saying no to sex if he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship. If you like him, I'd avoid situations where sex would happen again until he makes up his mind or cut your losses and end it now. I don't agree with the sexual exclusivity thing while also seeing other people... That is a FWB... not something leading to a relationship...
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 We went out on a date twice. Had sex the second date. But he said he needed more time to think about it if he wants to take it to the next level. He said no sex with other people until we figure out what to do. He also said that we have a strong connection and chemistry is there. Couple times people actually told us they noticed how much fun we are having together. We just said "we are" and smiled at them. I really like him and he's right we have this strong connection. We have the same level of energy. Our humor matches. Conversion flows smoothly. We're so attracted to each other. He's totally my type and he said I'm totally his type. I have not felt this kind of attraction for so long and Im scared that I will end up getting hurt. I'm aware we had sex too soon. Please I don't need to be judged or blamed. I'm wondering if I should settle with " no sex with other people" if what I want from him is a relationship or just move on? If you feel you're both a good match and want a shot at a relationship with him, I'd say stick to the "no sex with other people" thing. If you guys decide not to become an exclusive couple and decide to keep things casual, openly discuss with him what that means for both of you. This isn't just about what he wants, but what you want, as well. If you don't agree with him putting a kibosh on sex with other people, be honest with him; if he's not okay with what you want to do, then I suggest not going any further with him. Edit: Wait, did he say the no sex with others thing, or did you? I'm unclear on this.
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Why? It's not like she told him if they had sex it meant they were definitely headed toward a relationship and he went ahead with it anyway, despite his feelings. Why should he have refused sex that was being freely offered apparently without contingencies or restrictions? By the way, a FWB set is generally does not entail sexual exclusivity. That's part of the point and the appeal. He didn't say he was expecting her to be ok with NSA sex either. If a guy said to me what he did after having sex, I'd move on no matter how I felt about him. I don't care how many dates it was. FWB usually does imply sexual exclusivity, while dating others... f*ckbuddy does not. Although, I realize that people tend to call their f*ckbuddies FWB in order to nice it up a bit.
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Again, I don't see why he is somehow at fault. She did not mention this beforehand thus I'm assuming he felt she was okay with it. No one did anything to anyone. She wasn't tricked. It's really not his fault that she apparently felt having sex at that stage would somehow expedite the courtship process and be a shortcut into a relationship. I'm not saying she was wrong for having sex so soon but her motives weren't well grounded. Also, I'm sorry, nothing I have ever seen or read indicates the rules of an FWB arrangement call for exclusivity. A f*kbuddy or an FWB are both practically the same thing in that both are merely casual relationships which in theory neither party expects to transition into a relationship and both generally come without the restrictions of a monogamous partnership. The only real difference I can see is that a f*kbuddy arrangement is not necessarily rooted in any type of friendship and is more or less purely sex-based (booty call, etc). I believe it is responsible for either person to state their expectations before having sex. This is 2013. It is not up to the woman to be the sole sexual arbiter. He shares responsibility for how things turn out. Because he is supposed to be a grown up. Not a silly teenager hoping to 'get some'. Anyway, I don't think this is the appropriate thread to discuss what a FWB or a f*ckbuddy is. What I DO know is that the OP is basically agreeing to a FWB/f*ckbuddy arrangement by default if she continues having sex with this guy while he sees other people. Doesn't matter how nice he is. If I were the OP, I'd nicely dump him. 2
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Like what I said before, he agreed to be exclusive that's why I had sex with him ( he was aware I wouldn't have sex until were exclusively dating) but I had to text him to clarify and to set our expectations. After a few texts he said he needed more time to think about it and we need more time to get to know each other. He said no sex with other people. Pretty much that's where we at now.
BluEyeL Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 OK, sex already happened, that cannot be undone, so we need damage control. I think what he said is not wrong, it's been just two dates, he doesn't know if he wants to buy or not, perfectly OK. So, practically speaking, IMO, if you want to try for a relationship with him, given that you say there is chemistry and similar interests is the following. And that is only if he is open to a relationship in general, some men are not looking for one so if he's one of those there is nothing you can do. Make sex sporadic, i.e. do not have sex at every date, and do not make it a pattern that he can figure out. In other words, sometimes have sex with him, sometimes just go on dates without sex. Most times go out without sex, to try build an emotional connection and build a relationship. Keep your cool. Do not show him you are insecure or made up your mind about wanting a relationship with him, even if you already did and are head over heels for him. Let him do most of the contacting, do not appear overly eager and available, don't suffocate him, don't chase him, don't be clingy. Don't talk about a relationship, future etc. Just observe who he is and if you really want to be in a relationship with him. 4
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Like what I said before, he agreed to be exclusive that's why I had sex with him ( he was aware I wouldn't have sex until were exclusively dating) but I had to text him to clarify and to set our expectations. After a few texts he said he needed more time to think about it and we need more time to get to know each other. He said no sex with other people. Pretty much that's where we at now. Why are you TEXTING about this? So much room for miscommunication. CALL him or talk about this face-to-face. 5
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I'm lost. In your OP it sounded like you discussed being exclusive after the fact. and then Again, that doesn't sound like anything had been agreed upon beforehand. We agreed to be exclusive before sex. He even said he hasn't felt this strong connection with someone that he agreed to be exclusive. The no sex with other was something we discussed after the sex and when he said he needed more time to think about things.
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Ah, now I see. Well, I suggest going with the "no sex with others" thing, while he's mulling it over. I agree that you both need to slow down a bit, now. There's nothing wrong with the fact that you had sex already, but it's important that the relationship moves at a pace you're both comfortable with.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I like how these "important" conversations come after the fact of having sex....like if that holds much weight with men. The fact that you did have sex with him so early on could in fact not make you "relationship" material alone...it depends on the guy, but it's not typically favorable unless the guy is very into you, which to me he seems to like you but not overwhelmingly and with the added "pressure" of commitment after the fact, and demand/conversation for exclusivity most guys are going to just make that "promise" based on the fact that you've cornered/blackmailed them after/right before they're about to poke you....how many guys you ever heard say "no" to that question, after sexing you up especially? or right before sex? they're not going to be honest with you and say "Well look, we had sex and all of that, everything is fine and good but I never promised you anything for it...yes we have chemistry and a lot in common, but you're not exactly long-term relationship/wifey material, I didn't even get that far yet mentally...maybe because I don't even care really" The problem with women is they always assume the man feels the same exact way that they do, even if the guy can tell you're into them and just for kicks says "oh my what a connection....totally why I did this or that", it's only been two dates so anything can happen, he's had to invest very little to get what he wanted. From the tone of your "voice"/typing you don't sound very confident in your stance about establishing exclusivity, it definitely sounds like a weak negotiation on your part for something more solid, and I don't think he's going to oblige you with that commitment of exclusivity in all seriousness, and he might just back away at this point due to your texting which is another form of passivity...you pretty much seem like someone who is easy to push-over or get away with things, so men either take you granted or not very seriously unless it's within their own desire to do so. You should have either waited on sex to get to know him better and what he wants and what you have together or if you felt confident the guy was really into you and wouldn't back out after sex, unless you were just ok with something casual. Right now he clearly holds the power and you seem to have more interest than he does. 2
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) Like what I said before, he agreed to be exclusive that's why I had sex with him ( he was aware I wouldn't have sex until were exclusively dating) but I had to text him to clarify and to set our expectations. After a few texts he said he needed more time to think about it and we need more time to get to know each other. He said no sex with other people. Pretty much that's where we at now. Thought so... He said he wanted to be exclusive so you'd agree to have sex with him... now it sounds like he wants to keep his options open after the fact. I'd dump him. He sounds like a weasel. Next time, don't be such a pushover. Not sure why some other women here are giving you tips on how to be a doormat, or encouraging you to give a guy a chance who does this mumbo-jumbo. Jeez... Never fails to amaze me the crap some women let guys get away with. Edited July 1, 2013 by RedRobin
Author Miss1122 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Thought so... He said he wanted to be exclusive so you'd agree to have sex with him... now it sounds like he wants to keep his options open after the fact. I'd dump him. He sounds like a weasel. Next time, don't be such a pushover. Not sure why some other women here are giving you tips on how to be a doormat, or encouraging you to give a guy a chance who does this mumbo-jumbo. Jeez... Never fails to amaze me the crap some women let guys get away with. I'm thinking of dumping him. Any suggestions how? Or what to tell him?
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I'm thinking of dumping him. Any suggestions how? Or what to tell him? What EXACTLY did your texts say? Because you're confusing me. It doesn't sound like anything has changed. You were exclusive pre-sex, you're exclusive post-sex. What are these "expectations" that you felt you needed to clarify via text? 1
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I'm thinking of dumping him. Any suggestions how? Or what to tell him? Tell him something like.... "I've thought about it a bit more and decided that our goals and values are not the same... Take care." ... and that is it. No more back and forth or explanations required.
RedRobin Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 What EXACTLY did your texts say? Because you're confusing me. It doesn't sound like anything has changed. You were exclusive pre-sex, you're exclusive post-sex. What are these "expectations" that you felt you needed to clarify via text? He's not exclusive. He's saying no sex with others... if it is even true, it means they supposedly don't have sex with others while he continues to go on dates with others. That is pretty much the definition of FWB for a lot of people... at best she's just a placeholder... Nice try on his part... This is another way some guys try to get a FWB without being up front. They claim to not be having sex with other people, then get all vague on the details.
Star Gazer Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 He's not exclusive. You're not a mind-reader. I'd like the OP to answer about the content of her text messages. 1
tbf Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 One consistency in sex and dating that I've noticed from past experiences. Guys are pretty quick to want exclusivity and a relationship if you don't have sex with them. The two of you are having exclusive sex. Anything beyond that would be an assumption. If that's not what you want, I'd stop having sex with him or move on. I'm not even seeing the need for a break up since there's no real relationship involved. 1
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