ConfusedInOC Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 I need some help. My girlfriend suffers from low self-esteem. She doesn't see herself worthy of my love and affection and "I don't see myself worthy of being a wife" and she doesn't think she can ever have girl friends. She says "They don't like me because I am shy" and I tell her that she needs to get out of her comfort zone because that's the first steps in changing. She gets along better with men. Unfortunately, when trying to make men friends, they see it as an opportunity to get laid. They think she is coming on to them. She really isn't. She just wants to have friends and I don't know how to help her. I write her positive messages. I talk to her all the time and reinforce to her that she's a likeable person and that if she just tries, she can make girlfriends. How can I get her out of her shell? How can I get her to start talking to girls? Do I have to grab some of my friends who are women and start introducing her? I honestly feel once I get her sense of self worth up, she'll feel better about our relationship and be ready to progress. Now, that's not the main reason to help her self-esteem, but I think it's a good place to start.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted October 18, 2004 Author Posted October 18, 2004 Not to answer my own question, but do you think this is good advice to give my girlfriend? 1. Stop comparing yourself to other people. If you play this game, you're likely to compare yourself in a negative way and set yourself up for continuing to have low self esteem. Why continue to play a game where you've set the rules against yourself, so that you're less likely to win! 2. Don't keep putting yourself down! You can't develop high self esteem if you constantly repeat negative comments about your skills and abilities. Other people will pick up on it and take on board the negative way you view yourself. How are they likely to treat you? Also don't beat yourself up over "mistakes" that you've made - learn how to reframe them so that they work for you. 3. Using affirmations is an excellent way to raise your self esteem. It's the opposite of no 1. If you can programme your mind to repeat negative phrases about yourself (and see how effective that's been!), then you can certainly get into the habit of continually thinking (and saying to yourself) positive statements about you. When you do, allow yourself to experience the positive feelings about your statements. Also use inspirational quotes to assist you. 4. Accept all compliments graciously. Don't dismiss or ignore them. When you do you give yourself the message that you do not deserve or are not worthy of praise, which reflects low self esteem. It also means that others will become more reluctant to praise or acknowledge your abilities, if you don't. 5. Take advantage of and use life coaching programs, workshops, books on how to raise your self esteem and develop a more positive attitude. Whatever material you see, read acts as subliminal learning, which means that it will plant itself in your mind and dominate your behavior. Talk about food for thought - what diet is your mind on? Is it a nourishing one? 6. Mix with positive and supportive people. Who you associate with influences your thoughts, actions and behavior - another form of subliminal learning. Negative people can put you and your ideas down and it lowers your self esteem. On the other hand, when you are surrounded by supportive people, you feel better about yourself, which helps to raise your self esteem. Learn how to develop your positive personal support network. 7. Acknowledge your positive qualities and skills. Too many people with low self esteem constantly put themselves down (back to no 1 again!) and don't appreciate their many positive attributes. Learn how to truly affirm and value your many excellent qualities. If you find this difficult, ask others to tell you. They'll come up with things you would never have imagined! 8. Stop putting up with stuff! Not voicing or acknowledging your needs means that you are probably tolerating more than you should. Find out what you're putting up with and zap those tolerations. By doing so, you're giving yourself the message that you're worth it. 9. Make positive contributions to others. This doesn't mean that you constantly do for others what they could be doing for themselves. But when you do make a positive contribution to others, you begin to feel more valuable, which increases your sense of your own value and raises your self esteem. 10. Involve yourself in work and activities that you love. So many people with low self esteem stop doing those activities that they most enjoy. Even if you're not in a position to to make immediate changes in your career, you can still devote some of your leisure time to enjoyable hobbies and activities.
Barby Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Yes it sounds like you have excellent advice to give her. I think it's wonderful that you encourage her to make other female friends and that you are supportive in her attempts to "break outta her shell" You're doing the right thing by comfirming how wonderful she is and trying to make her see it herself. I too was a very shy girl, had a couple close female friends but never was a "social butterfly" and I think if she wants to meet new people and gain more friends then you're advice is very good. Don't push her too hard if she really isn't ready then pushing her to do it because you think she should isn't very productive but this doesn't seem to be your case....good luck!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted October 18, 2004 Author Posted October 18, 2004 Here's 5 tips on how to NOT increase self esteem. I just want your thoughts on this and how I should approach her. I know this is her problem and she will never believe I really do love her until her self-esteem is in the normal operating range. 5 ways to not improve your self-esteem - By Julie Plenty There are numerous definitions of what self-esteem is or isn’t. My definition is that self-esteem is how we fully value, appreciate and accept ourselves. Having self-esteem is about accepting and acknowledging our value. It doesn’t depend on external circumstances, but resides within. Because we are conditioned to look outwardly to feel better about ourselves, we confuse our self-worth with what we have or what we do. Here are some of the more popular ways to not improve our self-esteem, even though we mistakenly believe otherwise……………… 1. Trying too hard to impress others. When we try too hard to impress others, it is because we’re not very impressed with ourselves. It is a tactic that on the surface should work, but often rebounds on us. It can come out as arrogance, desperation, neediness for example and may actually turn people off. Ask yourself: What’s behind the need to impress others? Could this need be met in a more productive way? 2. Acquiring more and more – but never being satisfied. If we can have more, then we believe that we will feel better about ourselves if we buy ourselves lots of material things. Well yes it does – but only momentarily – then the thrill wears off. It is a short term measure and rarely works long term because the intention behind the acquisition was flawed. I’m not advocating penury by the way! Enjoy the finest things in life for what the pleasure they give you but not as a misplaced substitute for feeling better about yourself. Ask yourself: How can I feel better about myself in a way which doesn’t depend on acquiring more and more? 3.Criticising and judging others persistently. If there’s a tendency to persistently criticise others, then look again. When you point the finger at someone - three fingers are pointing back at you! Persistent criticism of others (often on the flimsiest of evidence) is a deflection for not feeling good in yourself. That’s not to say that you would never express a critical opinion of anyone or anything! It is the nature and spirit in which it is done and your own level of self-awareness of what is really going on. Ask yourself: If you are persistently critical and judgemental of others, are those criticisms really about you and what you don’t want to address within yourself? How could you begin to address them? 4.Helping others endlessly. There are some people who are endlessly helpful, even to their own detrimental. There’s the people pleaser mentality in wanting to impress people (similar to no 1), but also to rescue them. There’s the danger of always getting involved in other people’s business and doing for others what they could be doing for themselves and creating a dependency. It make you feel needed and that can be a good feeling. But there’s a price to pay – either neglecting your own life and sheer tiredness! Ask yourself: Are you always helping others at your own expense? What do you get out acting this way? What are you really looking for? Would others benefit if you helped them less? 5. Perfectionism. This can be a key aspect of low self-esteem. When your inner value isn’t acknowledged, then you try to make things perfect. Perfectionism is never reached, so there’s the constant striving for something that can never be attained. But it also means that you don’t appreciate what you have achieved because your eye is always on the next prize. Accepting imperfections and valuing yourself regardless is a key way to raising self-esteem. Also recognize when the need to be or have things perfect is seriously hindering you and draining your energy unnecessarily. Ask yourself: If I accepted everything in my life as perfect, just as it is, how would I feel? Self-esteem isn’t about “efforting” – it is about being, accepting and valuing yourself. It is important that you acknowledge and show how you value yourself.
Author ConfusedInOC Posted October 18, 2004 Author Posted October 18, 2004 Originally posted by Barby Yes it sounds like you have excellent advice to give her. I think it's wonderful that you encourage her to make other female friends and that you are supportive in her attempts to "break outta her shell" You're doing the right thing by comfirming how wonderful she is and trying to make her see it herself. I too was a very shy girl, had a couple close female friends but never was a "social butterfly" and I think if she wants to meet new people and gain more friends then you're advice is very good. Don't push her too hard if she really isn't ready then pushing her to do it because you think she should isn't very productive but this doesn't seem to be your case....good luck! Thanks for the advice. Given your experience, what do you think I should do to encourage her to make more female friends? Every time she makes a make friend, they misinterpret her kindness as sexual interest. This is a repeating cycle that even further diminishes her self esteem because he keeps thinking that she's not good enough to make friends with men so women would not want to be friends with her too.
Barby Posted October 18, 2004 Posted October 18, 2004 Well my personal opinion is that she should maybe stay away from seeking out men to make friends with since this seems to be a repeating cycle. It doesn't seem to be helping her out w/ self esteem or anything else. She should join a club/group (assuming she's school aged (hs or college) and meet people who enjoy the same things she does, or maybe talk to people online from your area (females). I have met a really good female friend of mine here online, she is from our area and we happened to meet in a chat room, we've met in person and became close friends now I live 4 hours away but we are still close and talk online all the time. (i'm not saying she should just meet anyone she talks to online don't get me wrong). I guess besides joining activities where she could meet people she could just start conversations with girls when she's out and about, meet people that way and see who she clicks with. I think most girls are shy and tend to feel insecure around other girls. I met my former (only cuz we grew apart) when I was in HS and so was she but we met at a "mexican dance club" we were both dating hispanic guys so I guess that's what we had in common, we started talking and became friends and stayed friends for about 5 years or so.... Basically she just needs to talk to people and then she'll make some friends...your advice and tips are good, good that you're so into helping her help herself!
Author ConfusedInOC Posted October 18, 2004 Author Posted October 18, 2004 I think you are right. She's joined a Church group and that's a good first step. Here's some added advice I was going to give her. What do you think? 1. When you make friends with males, you’re trying too hard. Most men will take your friendship as interest in them sexually. When you see this, you get disappointed thinking that no one likes you for who you are, they just want sex. This causes further harm to your self-esteem. The problem is you don’t have confidence in yourself to be FRIENDS so you try too hard to be accepted. 2. BE YOURSELF! Don’t change yourself to make friends. You can break the cycle of being a shy person by first making friends with other women. Do this by chatting with them online, on the forums and via U2U. Go on a group ride with other women. Listen to what they talk about and get involved. Learn how they talk to each other. It won’t come natural to you the first couple times, but with practice, it will become easier and easier with every contact. 3. You are a VERY bright woman and you are also very likeable. You need to reassure yourself of that every day until you feel you can approach new people with confidence. 4. Don’t downplay your accomplishments. I for one have always been amazed at how well you learn new things, fast. Remember how impressed I was with how fast you learned to ride? Remember how impressed I was after not seeing you ride for a few weeks and then seeing you zip around? 5. You are MORE than worthy of being loved unconditionally. Your low self-esteem makes you feel like you are not worth it but EVERYONE is loved by someone unconditionally. For you, that person is me. I see what areas you could improve upon to make yourself happier and for life to be more fulfilling and I am trying to help you do that. Just as you brought God back into my life and have brought me joy, so I am trying to help you with your sense of self-worth. 6. Listen to the people who love you. They will never give you bad advice. People who don’t know you, and especially men with ulterior motives (ie: The guys hitting on you, etc) will tell you only what you want to hear. They have no interest in your general well being. But people who love you want to help you for no other reason than THEY LOVE YOU!
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