volumeknob Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 We are both in our late 20's, and we have been together just over five years. Neither of us had dated much, or had been in a serious relationship before we got together. She has been getting the GIGS, hard, she says she still loves me a lot but has that need to go out and explore, otherwise she thinks she will resent me forever for not giving her the chance. I always thought to myself it would be 'nice' to go out and put a few more 'notches in the belt' as well, but have never seen it as a overwhelming need like she seems to. If I knew we would both go out, have some fun, grow a little bit and then get back together I would be fine, but I want to grow old with this woman, and the thought that she will fall for someone else scares me! It seems to me that the best option, for the long term, is to have a break(up). I think she is right that if we do stay together, she will resent me for not letting her free, and break it off down the line sometime. What do you think is the best thing for me to do? We live together and I am going to have to move out, should I stay in contact with her? go NC and leave her alone to do whatever? I feel I'm going to have a rough time for the next little while regardless!
flitzanu Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 We are both in our late 20's, and we have been together just over five years. Neither of us had dated much, or had been in a serious relationship before we got together. She has been getting the GIGS, hard, she says she still loves me a lot but has that need to go out and explore, otherwise she thinks she will resent me forever for not giving her the chance. I always thought to myself it would be 'nice' to go out and put a few more 'notches in the belt' as well, but have never seen it as a overwhelming need like she seems to. If I knew we would both go out, have some fun, grow a little bit and then get back together I would be fine, but I want to grow old with this woman, and the thought that she will fall for someone else scares me! It seems to me that the best option, for the long term, is to have a break(up). I think she is right that if we do stay together, she will resent me for not letting her free, and break it off down the line sometime. What do you think is the best thing for me to do? We live together and I am going to have to move out, should I stay in contact with her? go NC and leave her alone to do whatever? I feel I'm going to have a rough time for the next little while regardless! she's telling you she wants to leave you. don't let words confuse what's happening, because that's just what she's doing. no, you can't stop her. no, you can't make her stay. and no, you should not chase her once she leaves.
Author volumeknob Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Well she half wants to leave, and half doesn't. I realize that, and I would love to 'fix' this, for her to stay, and us to be happy, but I have come to the conclusion from reading here that it is very unlikely she will stop having these grass is greener feelings. That is why I said I think the only option is to have a break / break up with her. I feel like I have to let her do her own thing, and concentrate on me for a while. I don't want to be 'just friends' with her, and I realize we may never get back together. But I don't want to poison things between us, I would really like (the option) for us to get back together down the road (if that is what we both want then, who knows) (unfortunately for my mental health) Right now, in my heart, I still want to spend the rest of my life with her. I think when I break it off, she wont be feeling the pain of a breakup as much as she will have the great feeling of being 'free'. So I'm wondering what is the best thing to do for me, because I feel like I'm going to be in for a very rough time I'm definitely not going to chase her, I know that wont help either of us! But what should I do? Keep in contact? to what extent? go NC completely? Thanks
flitzanu Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 if she is the one leaving, why is it you that has to do the dumping? it's probably a good idea though, cuz chances are she'll string it along and never end it...but if you dump her, then that gives her the power to say YOU are the one that walked away. all i can say is, i had the same scenario. girl wanted to find her independence, freedom, take care of herself without me, etc...all the while saying we are staying together as she's moving out. then...after being moved out admits it's over. tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't feel the same way, the only thing you can do is just let her go.
flitzanu Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 oh, and yes, as you asked, you go NC. you don't stay friends with her because that lets her win both ways. either she keeps you, or she loses you. she can't have it both ways.
Author volumeknob Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 if she is the one leaving, why is it you that has to do the dumping? it's probably a good idea though, cuz chances are she'll string it along and never end it...but if you dump her, then that gives her the power to say YOU are the one that walked away. all i can say is, i had the same scenario. girl wanted to find her independence, freedom, take care of herself without me, etc...all the while saying we are staying together as she's moving out. then...after being moved out admits it's over. tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't feel the same way, the only thing you can do is just let her go. I have told her how I feel, and she tells me how she feels, but I don't think she really even knows herself. She is not leaving, we are very open with each other, but she is obviously confused / conflicted. She is telling me she has these (GIGS) feelings, and it’s something she feels she has to do, but she also still loves me, and doesn't want to lose what we have. In essence, It seems to me from reading here, that her GIGS will probably not go away, a break / breakup is probably inevitable, and she will be as you say stringing me (and herself) along before that point. If there was a way she could get over the feeling she has to "sew her wild oats" without a breakup, I would be all up for helping her, and I would do whatever it takes, but I'm not sure there is. To break up with her is the last thing I want to do, I am just trying to do what is best for me, and her, and I think that is probably better if I end it now, well I hope that is the best choice. And then just go NC. Even just writing this stuff makes me want to vomit, I can tell I'm not going to be in a very good place for a while.
flitzanu Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 the only peace i can offer is, at least you KNOW what's happening. most of us were just blindsided when it happened to us. being prepared doesn't make it easier, of course, but at least you can go into it with your eyes open. 1
Pisces13 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) Well she half wants to leave, and half doesn't. The fact you're even having this discussion with her proves that she does want to leave. She is just trying to let you down easy. I wouldn't doubt for one second that she still loves you, but her mind is made up. Even if she does decide to stick around for the time being, I can guarantee you you'll be having this same conversation again in a month's time. Edited July 1, 2013 by Pisces13
ggas Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 dude you should check out my recent post. I can overlap some parts pretty well. And yes, you should break up with her if she's unhappy. It will make you look cool and make you feel better about yourself long run. And in time she will appreciate it too. Stay strong dude. There's so many interesting attractive women out there. Just give them a chance. I'm telling you, you'll be so much happier
Jbmouth91 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Walk away gracefully and never look back. I experienced the same as you but I came to realise that if they truly loved you then they would not have these GIGS feelings and would stay with you no matter what. Sad thing is, they've made up their mind and you cannot change it. 1
pteromom Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You should go ahead and end it. Let her do what she will. If you are still single and available later on down the road, you guys can talk. If not, just move on. If she's this conflicted, neither choice is going to make her fully happy. If she stays, she'll just keep one foot out the door. If she leaves, she will be missing you when her single and free life doesn't live up to her expectations. You are just prolonging the inevitable by hoping it will just go away.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 She isnt confused. You might be afraid of her falling for someone else, she probably already has! She might not be dating him yet, she might be, she might be working on the guy. Bottom line is she wants out of your relationship, and you wont be able to keep her no matter what you do, so push her away and go sew your wild oats, or get over her any way you can. Her friends might all be single and she wants to party with them, or something you did made her lose romantic interest. It could be a number of things, but know this, she is NOT confused, she knows she isnt as into you as she thinks she could be. Her tastes are probably changing and wants something different, or you arent physically attractive enough to her, no matter what it is, she isnt confused. She just knows that she doesnt want to dig the knife in further by telling you the truth. Her guilt for covering it up and losing interest in you cant handle it. She will never tell you by the way, it will have to be a mystery. Go NC, dont ever talk to her again, dont let her have friendship, let her see you moving on if you see her around town (itll drive her nuts if you move on before she does - means she sshouldnt have listened to her friends) and eventually you will find someone new that will be better for you than she ever would be.
Jbmouth91 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Do you think they when most girls are having the 'GIGS' problem, they aren't actually confused?
travelonic Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) I think This Post(not mine) - and the entire thread for that matter is great so far as getting an understanding of what GIGS is, what people classify/count as GIGS, why it came about as a theory, how it's being refined, etc... and after reading it you'll not only understand GIGS a lot better, bu understand the people fitting the behavioral patterns, the dumpees affected by it, and that search to understand "what the flying **** just happened?!?!?!?!?!?!?" Edited July 1, 2013 by travelonic
flitzanu Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Do you think they when most girls are having the 'GIGS' problem, they aren't actually confused? i'm pretty sure a lot of people are confused as to what GIGS really is. all it means is that the person you are dating wants to bang other people. simple as that. they aren't confused, they may not know who they want to be with, but they know they don't want to be with YOU. 1
travelonic Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 i'm pretty sure a lot of people are confused as to what GIGS really is. all it means is that the person you are dating wants to bang other people. . Are you sure YOU understand what GIGS is? :laugh: [slight elaboration: GIGS -- a hunt for "greener grass" - thinking one can do better with someone else, or single even [yes, that happens] - heh, if I had no control over my tendency to be literal, I'd take your statement too literally and reply, "GIGS != being a slut" - though that is true, that would probably also misinterpret you post. ]
flitzanu Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Are you sure YOU understand what GIGS is? :laugh: [slight elaboration: GIGS -- a hunt for "greener grass" - thinking one can do better with someone else, or single even [yes, that happens] - heh, if I had no control over my tendency to be literal, I'd take your statement too literally and reply, "GIGS != being a slut" - though that is true, that would probably also misinterpret you post. ] thinking one can do better with someone else means they don't want to be with you. and yes, it is to be taken literally. is a dumper searching for a better partner just to go hold hands with them and skip through the park? no...they want to go bang other people. being fickle doesn't need to be dressed up and called "GIGS". it isn't a behavioral disorder, it's simply a desire to see other people because you aren't happy with who you are with. why does it need to be overcomplicated? but, i do get that you aren't being entirely serious with your comment. and those that "want to be single" TYPICALLY only do so in order to meet and bang new people soon after. the majority of the population doesn't WANT to be single forever. they just want to be single from the person they are dumping.
Jbmouth91 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Well I got dumped a month ago with the 'GIGS' problem and during the NC phase (3 weeks so far) I came to realise that a woman who you gave so much for and did everything for but left for this reason, should never be given a second chance. She was like 'you're so amazing, so perfect, I wish we could be together forever and I just don't know what I'm doing ... just these 'thoughts'. I promise I'll tell you if i regret it' ... The truth is, a lot of you are right and that it's because they want to try other things like banging other men etc but anyone in this situation would be stupid to ever take them back - I for one realise this. Thank you guys for helping me 1
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