clarelynn1 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Here's a quick background on my situation- -I was with my ex-boyfriend for almost 2 years, we're both young (21) -He broke up with me in the beginning of Dec. 2012, stating we had too many problems and he didn't feel like it was worth working for anymore -Mid January 2013, he came back and said that he decided our relationship was worth fixing, and that he'd do anything to make it right, he loved me, etc. --Two weeks later, changes his mind about coming back (ouch) -After attempting to be friends in the months following that, he decided he did not want to be part of all of my "drama" and basically told me that stop trying to be friends with him or even talking to him. It hurt, but I respected his wishes and have not contacted him since. (This was about 3 months ago) Since then, I have worked on moving forward. I've even relocated for the summer to the West coast for an internship--I'm out here trying to do different things with different people, and I am having a good time, but I still feel like something is missing. I honestly think I just miss having a companion, but I'm not sure. I do miss my ex as a person, but I know that he doesn't want me in his life so I'm not going to try and pry my way into it. It also probably doesn't help that I don't really have a lot of close friends---I had a lot of mutual guy friends through my ex, but we've grown apart due to the fact that they think they'd be breaking "bro code" by hanging out with me. Most of my other friends are in relationships, and we all know that being the 3rd/5th/7th wheel makes single people feel lonely. I spend a lot of nights at home alone, while my friends are out with their significant others, and it makes me miss when I had a boyfriend to spend my nights with. I'm a little mad at myself for how I acted when he broke off our "second chance" back in January--it honestly knocked the wind out of me after being heartbroken over him for a month, then having him back for such a short time. I begged and pleaded with him, and I fully understand why he doesn't want me in his life anymore---I wish I hadn't acted that way, because then maybe we could be friends down the road, but I'm sure I've killed those chances now. I fully understand that, I have had zero contact with him in 3 months, I don't expect him to come back at all, I'm on the other side of the freaking country, yet I still feel so sad about it all. Does anyone have any advice on how I can completely move forward and move past all of this? I know he's not coming back. I've known that for a while now. I just want to be happy again.
maturityassets Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Don't feel alone. You're not the only one who has made these mistakes. Same thing happened to me. My ex broke us off, she then decided 3 weeks later to see if we could spark (in that time she hooked up with other guys which she tells me). It got me upset so I talked to her best friend (a mutual friend) about it. The ex found out because our mutual friend talked about it with another friend of hers who told my ex. She got upset and while initially after the break up she said she knew one day she would come back, after me talking to her friend she said she wishes to be nothing more than friends in the future even though I said that wasn't fair and pleaded to say that while I recognized we both had to move on, that she shouldn't say such absolutist statements. I felt humiliated for a long time afterwards. But honestly are you, me or anyone else in this position solely to blame in all of this? Yeah sure in hindsight we could say "oooo If I knew this was going to happen I should have acted differently". But the way you reacted is you and that is nothing to be ashamed of. You're young like me, I'm only 20 as well. This is such an important learning experience in the long scheme of things. You learn things about yourself because of the break up. For example: The reason why I valued my relationship with my ex so much is not only because I loved her but because it made me feel like an adult. I felt like I was in a voluntary commitment and was making my own decisions with someone who was just as much making her own decisions to be with me. That sense of individuality and how the relationship made me feel like I could just be me for over a year is such an important event in my life. What I realized though, I shouldn't necessarily need her to be me. I found ways though now to be best be me without her. Not saying you have the same things as I do, but its good to re-valuate why you feel the need to have him in your life. So you can move on and I trust you will. And don't sweat it, people say things when they are mad or are annoyed or feel confused. So he may want to contact you one day so don't sweat it 1
Author clarelynn1 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Thanks for the reply. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this situation. I know I'm not the only one to blame in this situation. He stopped putting in an effort in the relationship before we broke up, and would get angry at me whenever I would attempt to talk to him about how I felt I was the one putting in the most effort. I was allowing him to take me for granted, which is why it's ultimately better that we're not together. I was really longing for the person he was when we first started dating, but that person doesn't exist anymore. Sadly, I'm still in love with the person he used to be, even though I know he'll never come around again. What I would love to do is start over somewhere new and meet all new people after I graduate college--I feel that this is a good way for me to move on. But I'm also simply terrified of trying to make new friends in an all new place. Sigh. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to fully get over it.
maturityassets Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 They always stop putting effort into the relationship during the end, just when you are in the midst of the relationship it hardly crosses your mind that they are thinking of ending it. When we still feel invested in it, despite the problems, we normally rationalize it as a lull or just a period of little excitement, it's not till its over do we usually see the signs. I read from someone on this site that if you are better than you were on day one, then you have made progress and will eventually get over it. Sure there are regrets and wishes but the right attitude fixes those negative thoughts. I wouldn't say you need a new life, I think that is an attitude you have when you are unhappy. Just need to continue your life, focus on the things that make you happy and allow you to achieve the things you want in life. Eventually surprises happen and people notice the positives in you and want to surround themselves with you. Like I said you can do this 1
Author clarelynn1 Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Thank you again - I really do appreciate your replies. I'm having a hard time talking to my friends about this, mostly because I don't have that many, so posting on this forum has really helped. I know I can try harder to make the most of the life I already have, I don't necessarily need to start somewhere new. But I feel so haunted by it all in my hometown, I feel embarrassed by my actions and I am just so scared of running into him or one of his friends. I am scared that they will just ignore me if I see them. I know I shouldn't want to talk to him or his friends, but being ignored would truly rub salt into the wounds you know? :/ I guess now is the time for me to pick a goal and work at achieving it. I'm not a very goal-oriented person, but I suppose I have to start somewhere!
maturityassets Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 If you ran into them and they ignored you, what would that they say? Would that say more about you or them? You be surprised that the majority of time things people do is just a reflection of themselves. You know who you are. You know you deserve at least a simple hi if ever seen. I don't know you but its safe to assume you are a good person, who has feelings, who wants to improve and is modest about herself. That's my sense of you from behind this screen, but even my thoughts don't matter. What matter is what you think of yourself. And I think you have all the potential to think all the best of yourself
Author clarelynn1 Posted July 3, 2013 Author Posted July 3, 2013 Thank you. I really, really appreciate it.
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