dm86 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Hello, I am in a situation I never thought I would be in. I have been married for almost 2 years and over the course of that time my wife had 2 ongoing emotional affairs with the same man (her ex) and lied to me about it both times after I had found out what was going on. Our marriage semi-recovered after the first emotional affair but turned south after several months. we are both Christians and during this time we sought counseling, and when I found out that the affair was still continuing she decided the marriage was over, that she wanted out, and that she was not going to continue to work on the marriage. She is also moving back to Pennsylvania where the "other man" lives and told me if I want it to work I would have to move there with her. I am continuing to go to counseling by myself, and told her the door to reconciliation remains open should she want to do so. She has met with a lawyer and said she is filing as soon as she gets back from vacation in New York. She said this will allow me to "be free from her and her problems", whatever that is supposed to mean. I have held on to hope for months over this, and last night I made a huge mistake. I was having a drink at a bar last night with a friend and ran into a girl that I knew. I ended up drinking way too much and ended up sleeping with her. I feel so disgusting over this, even though it looks like by all accounts the marriage is over aside from the piece of paper. I am not this kind of person and I don't know how to forgive myself for it. I am vulnerable and let my guard down. I am torn about whether or not this is something that I should confess to her. Does anyone have any insight as to how to handle this? Thanks
Yasuandio Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Keep you mouth shut. Say nothing. The last thing you need is to hear your wife screaming and blaming you. Forget that it happened. Forgive yourself - for the reasons you state (vulnerability, drunk, - and let me add - dumb). Break contact with this woman -- erase ALL evidence. That is the first start. So -- stay to yourself awhile to you are emotionally under control, AND stay outta the bars. Study the 180's for now. there is pleanty of time to address your marital problem. When you are keeping away from your wife -- there won't be a chance to "slip and fall" with this mess up you made. Believe me, she is going to sniff this thing out, and be suspiticious. This is because you know you are guilty (and you sound really guilty the way you have written it) - and she knows she is guilty of the same thing - and she might project her behaviour onto you, and automatically assume you are just as bad as she is. However, I do not think what you did was anywhere near as bad as her conduct. What happened to you was a response in weakness. And you do seem to sincerely feel terrible about it. That is why you GOT TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT. She doesn't have the same moralities about her bad behaviour obviously. You get me? Yas 1
hayewils Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I don't think there Is much for you to do at this point Sounds to me that your wife has pretty well made her decision at this point. Even if you have slept with another woman, your wife has made her decision by being in an emotional relationship which you are not sure of it being physical anyway. from what I read, your wife wants to move close to her ex and bring you with her so she has a back door. I would let her know that you both (Yall, Texas term for you both) moved where you guys did for the reason, Yall, did. if she wants to go back, for her ex, let her.. you hold your dignity and go get your life together for yourself.
hayewils Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 you wanna ride the horse in, you can ride the sum bitch the same way out.. I"m not gonna be trampled on.. 2
BC1980 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I wouldn't say a thing to her. The nerve of someone to tell you that you have to move to another state if you want to work on the relationship. She clearly does not care too much for your marriage. I'm sorry that you are going through this.
Techie Artist Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I totally agree. Say nothing to her. Repent to God for all your sins and ask Him to forgive you. Accept His grace, clean up your act, and move on. Let her hit the road with Jack...and dontcha come back no more no more no more no more! Sorry you are dealing with such a flake.
elfman Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Hello, I am torn about whether or not this is something that I should confess to her. Does anyone have any insight as to how to handle this? Hey man, I am sorry to hear you're going through this. To be honest, I do not think confessing it would do any good, if anything it will only turn the power-tables around and perhaps make it more appealing for her to get phisical with the OM if she has not already. Think about it, what drove you to your current state of mind? Would you have fallen into that pit had she not developed WAW syndrome? When she says "so you can be free from my problems", if she is anything like my ex, it means "I would rather tell you that I am the problem than go into the point of discussing why I am throwing our marriage down the drain". She is simply avoiding the spine of the problem and trying to make you feel better about it. Anyway, I would'nt confess a thing, you're at a crossroads now that will depend on your attitude. If she finds out you cheated she might get more violent on her requests with the new lawyer, not feeling you deserve any compassion when it comes to separating the estate, if it comes to that. Some things are just better to leave buried... but that's just my advice, ultimately you can do whatever feels right. If you're christian go talk to a priest, it helps, plus you can confess and get everything out of your chest and repent, although he might tell you to eventually or immediately confess to her, thus the dicotomy of religion and the real world. Telling her will undoubtedly put more wood in the fire for you right now. Hope things get better for you quick, take care and keep your chin up. E. 1
revitup Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 When she tells you "she is the problem" believe her! 1.Don't put your business (drinking and sex as a Christian) on the web!Not here or anywhere else!She will get it. 2.She knows what she has done and said with ol' boy is unforgivable,even for her.She knows it would not be right to stay with you, when she has been with this guy behind your back (time will show you it was more than emotional BTW). 3.Pray,seek Gods face and repent. 4.Stay healthy and show only strength,you will change for the better or for the worse because of this. Good Luck REVITUP 1
GuyInLimbo Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 First of all, absolutely do NOT tell her anything. Second, stop beating yourself up. YOU ARE HUMAN. You make mistakes. And that's OK. Frankly, I don't see what you did wrong here. You have nothing to apologize or "repent" for. This is something that I simply don't understand about Christianity (and one of many reasons why I'm no longer a Catholic or anything else). You shouldn't be made to feel guilty about being human. We all make mistakes. It's how you learn and grow. It shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself.
Author dm86 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 When she says "so you can be free from my problems", if she is anything like my ex, it means "I would rather tell you that I am the problem than go into the point of discussing why I am throwing our marriage down the drain". She is simply avoiding the spine of the problem and trying to make you feel better about it. Thanks everyone for your words of advice. This is exactly how it is. Neither her, or the other dude are willing to show me ANY of their conversations. In fact, when I was pulling her browser history up on her computer to show her what I found she forcibly ripped her laptop from my hands. I think it would be much different if she were to return with a sincere desire to reconcile, but if the ship is already sinking, why set it on fire? What I did was wrong, and I am sincerely sorry and contrite about it, I just don't think there is anything left to save...
elfman Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Yup, been there, done that... suddenly you find something and say something about it and it gets turned around on you faster than you can say WTF! Nah man, sorry, but you are going to find out eventually that it has been more than emotional, hope you are over the bridge when that train hits. Again, work on yourself, 180 and NC, but mostly work on getting your life to the point where you enjoy living it by yourself, after that, its like taking candy from a baby.
Jstub Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I don't get this. I really don't. You did NOTHING wrong. I am not a religious person, so take my word from a realist perspective. She betrayed you. She does not act like she is your wife. She is just playing you. You went and had sex with someone. Who cares? You are not a married man - I don't care what your contract says. Marriage is from within- your wife has checked out, the legality of it is just that. Now, if you are going to go say, I am married in front of god etc. then that's a different discussion. You have not been married for long, as far as I understand, you have no children with this woman. RUN MAN RUN. You are SO lucky, you don't even know it.
ver13 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 IMO you need to just let this go, you have only been M for 2yrs and W has had 2EA's. Then she moves back home close to EX and contacts a lawyer. There really isn't to much to talk about at this point and the drunk thing with the girl is none of her business. You need to work on getting yourself together and let her do the same where ever she is. If she is so intent on staying in touch with her EX and not you she's really not your W.
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