Long-term live-in relationship is coming to an end

[Wandering_soul89]

This is my very first post on this site, but I really needsome advice and perspective on my relationship with my boyfriend, who I've beenin a relationship with for five years now. Hopefully I posted this in the rightplace because the situation is very complex

 

We've been living together for four years. There are twolarge obstacles in our relationship and several other smaller ones. The first hasto do with our age difference. I am a 23-year-old female and he is a40-year-old male. At first it wasn't a problem. When I first met him, I thoughthe looked at least five years younger than he was and could tell right away hewas not a typical 30-something-year-old. That attracted me to him. I've alwaysbeen very mature for my age (in most ways, such as intellectually), and havebeen attracted to older guys. Likewise, he is a young, free-spirited type ofperson so we actually mesh together very well.

 

That's what makes it so hard. At first I was attracted tohim but the spark has faded away. Occasionally when I look at him, I still findhim attractive, but there are many times when I look at him and am reminded of ourage difference. Our sex life has been lackluster to say the least, nonexistentin the past month. The latter has been my decision. But that really has to do with something else

 

He's diagnosed with bipolar. He told me this several monthsafter we started dating. At first, his stories about episodes of mania anddepression were only that, stories. I read up on basic symptoms of bipolar andconcluded that he's more hypomanic then everything else, let it not crossed mymind anymore. I helped him get through a severe depressive phase a couple yearsago where he had no place to stay, and at one point, no job. We actuallyseparated during this time so he could get his act together. We got backtogether and everything was good, I was living on my own with a roommate and hecame to visit me but that situation turned into a nightmare and we decided to livetogether after

 

I had never seen him manic, I mean truly manic until recently. First, I'm not perfect; no one is. I have my share of problems too,including anxiety and stress. I try to work on them constantly. But theexperience of seeing him that way, I think, scarred me. I came home one day tofind all of our things a complete disaster; I couldn't even find simple thingssuch as my toothbrush or change of clothes and it literally looked like a bombwent off in our place. It's hard enough for me to be organized as it is, butthis set me back significantly. That's not the worst of it, though. He camehome one night from work in a full-blown psychotic state of mania. He washaving delusions, hallucinations and paranoid. He was screaming at inanimate objects.It terrified me. It also drained me physically.

 

Fast forward… He is out of the mental hospital andsupposedly better. We are still living together. He has decided that he wantsto hide this experience and going into the hospital from all of his friends andfamily. Even though I understand to some extent, it really makes me angrybecause it was possibly one of the hardest things I've ever gone through in mylife and it's almost like it didn't happen. I tried talking to him about it buthe is uncomfortable, too concerned with what others will think of him. He wantsto pretend like he is still fully functioning, but even worse, that him and Iare perfectly okay.

 

I talked with him a couple times already about how I feelabout the manic episode, how it is jostled me and left me worried and concernedand scared. I've also mentioned my feelings of attraction have dwindled and amuncomfortable having sex. But really I think I'm losing attraction to him too,and I'm not sure if it's because of the incident that happened, the gap in ourage becoming more significant or both. I thought that we had established thateven though we love each other, we really need to "cool off" ourrelationship and take a step back. Maybe just look at other people andreevaluate what we want.

 

In public, and around his friends and family, he still triesto act like we're perfectly fine. He tries to hold my hand, kiss me, and remainpossessive around other guys. I'm starting to feel trapped

 

I think we need to end the relationship, but it is so hardfor me to officially cut ties. He is the most special person that I've ever metand has changed my life in so many ways, mostly for the better. We have beenthrough a lot together and we were even planning to marry each other. I stilllove him, and care about him deeply but I think it is becoming more of a closefriendship kind of love than anything else. I'm feeling scared and trapped in arelationship, afraid of what kind of emotional toll it will take on me if westay together. We also have different life dreams.

 

Right now we are living together and have a tenancy-at-willlease. It makes things a lot more complicated because the landlord here isreally strict and screens everyone that comes in, so one of us moving out wouldbe very hard since we would have to find someone with good credit, and someone thatwe would want to live with that has enough money. I don't have any friends thatfit that bill. I'm not sure if he does. He did mention that if we were to notlive together anymore, he would rather leave. But I also don't even know if theywill let me stay here alone with another roommate. I only have some creditestablished. I could move out, too, and find a roommate or something, but thatwould be a challenge as well. I have tendinitis and it's hard for me to lift,clean, etc. my boyfriend has really been helping me. I know I can't remain dependenton him and him trying everything in my power to get healed.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm ready to move on. I've had a wandering eyeat other guys for a while. I made it clear that I have been doing this, and he says to just wait and see, if something happens then it happens.

 

So, what are my options? Should my boyfriend andI tried to keep living together as "platonic" but break up moreofficially? Should we break up and both move out and I can try to find aroommate that will accept me, or should I try to stay here and pick a roommateand hope for the best? Should I try an "open relationship" and see ifthe spark will come back? Please help me…

Edited June 30, 2013 by Wandering_soul89

[Eggplant]

I think we need to end the relationship, but it is so hardfor me to officially cut ties. He is the most special person that I've ever metand has changed my life in so many ways, mostly for the better. We have beenthrough a lot together and we were even planning to marry each other. I stilllove him, and care about him deeply but I think it is becoming more of a closefriendship kind of love than anything else. I'm feeling scared and trapped in arelationship, afraid of what kind of emotional toll it will take on me if westay together. We also have different life dreams.

 

If you know that he is not the one you want to marry, you have to cut ties. It's really hard. I also was in a relationship from 19-24. I stayed too long. It took me a long time to have the courage to break it off. You're young, but still, nobody has years and years to give to a relationship that you know is not right. If he were the one, you'd know it by now, wouldn't you?