Dumped

[butterfly808]

I'm a bit of a mess right now. My boyfriend of 1 year broke up with me a month ago, I found out a week ago that he was 2 weeks into a new relationship with a girl I had had my suspicions about whilst we were dating.

 

Part of me is ashamed to admit I was with him for as long as I was cos he truly was a terrible boyfriend. He has severe depression and having been through it myself I tried to support him as much as I could. Whilst all I tried to do was support him, he would constantly criticize me and pick apart my character. He would say I was stupid (I am a mathematician so I'll admit my general knowledge and speech is sometimes poor), he would say that I was unattractive, my voice pitched too high and that I was immature. He would never compliment me, but had no problem expressing how "hot" other girls were in front of me. My mother in her wisdom has said that she always got the feeling he was really jealous of me, but I don't know if she's saying that just cos that's what mothers say to their brokenhearted daughters.

 

After he split up with me I said I wanted no contact with him. I hadn't wanted the relationship to end even though he was horrible to me. Whilst he left me alone for the first week, he completely stopped that and was contacting me every 2 or 3 days, initially to give my stuff back and then just to talk. I stupidly spoke to him cos I believed he had no one to talk to, how wrong was I? As I mentioned he'd had a new girlfriend for the past two weeks when he was calling up, he even invited me round and again stupidly I went. It was pretty awkward cos whilst I knew I wasn't going to sleep with him, he made it very clear he was finding it hard to hold himself back saying things like "Oh god this is a lot harder than I thought" and "OMG I'm so h***y" obviously I didn't act on it and left. He then calls me up a week ago, as mentioned, in tears, asking whether he is a good person or not. I say yes, cos although I want to say no, I know if I did say that I may cause him to say things that I would not be able to hear and he would've destroyed whats left of me. He says he doesn't want to but preceeds to tell me he's in a new relationship with a girl because basically she confessed her love for him and he ended up taking her virginity and that was it she decided they were in a relationship. This is a girl I'd previously stated I had a problem cos of the sheer amount of texting that went on between them and when I brought it up, his response was "well she's really down to earth" something he'd previously accused me of not being.

 

Anyway my response to this on the phone, was if you're in a relationship than why are you still talking to me? His response was that he couldn't talk to her. I turned around and said it would come with time, but I'm not too sure if I'm correct with that. I also said that out of respect for this new girl I was no longer going to have any contact with him and I've been true to my word. He hasn't. When we split he said he loved me but knew the relationship wasn't right and that I didn't "get" him, when I expressed shock at him moving on so quickly he said he'd been out of love with me for a while which is why he was totally over me. This is something that obviously really hurts but I'm also conflicted about cos whilst he might not have been in love with me, he said he wasn't able to cope without talking to me and I was his whole support network. I said I wasn't comfortable with that as I save that for my one and only.

 

I was his first girlfriend, and he was my second boyfriend (after I had been in a relationship for 3 years 2 years prior to this relationship). I was also aware that even though I've helped him a lot, he blames me for a lot of his problems this year even though I know they weren't my fault in the slightest, but I think he saw it as well if I get rid of her I get rid of my problems. On the phone when he had told me about the new gf, I said I hoped he was happy now (in a nice way) and he said he wasn't which is kinda what I expected but I can't be held responsible.

 

I am incredibly hurt by the whole thing, I feel used, made a fool of and I'm pretty much in a constant state of tears. I'm a slave to my phone secretly hoping he'll text or call me, anything, I'm trying to busy myself but its not working very well. What I want to know is a couple of things, do people have any advise on the situation in general? What do people really think has happened here? I am in two minds, a part of me wants to tell him the honest truth to his question about if he is a good person and this is fueled by my anger at the whole thing, but another part is scared of his retaliation. This other girl although I know she has done nothing to deserve it, I feel bad for not telling her about the way he behaved towards me and the fact that she doesn't know, if i was in her situation and potentially maybe I was, I would have wanted to know. I of course know that I would be labeled the crazy ex gf only out to seek revenge and there would be a massive backlash probably from him, so what would people do? I would really like a male perspective on this please, if guys have been in his situation what was going on. I speak to my male friends about it and I just get the response that he was unattractive and they had no idea why I was with him in the first place and that I am way too beautiful to think anymore of it. Whilst I obviously appreciate them trying to cheer me up, it doesn't shed any light or help me in anyway..

 

Thanks in advance x

[hoping2heal]

I'm sorry you're hurting. The best advice I can offer you is that instead of waiting for him to call, spend your time learning about yourself. Take the time to figure out why you felt the need to cling so tightly to someone who criticized you, cut you down, picked you apart, and had nary a kind thing to say or act towards you.

[darkmoon]

I'm having trouble with this..."He then calls me up a week ago, as mentioned, in tears, asking whether he is a good person or not"...he sounds like needs meds, he's a grown man, ffs, and you are right to be polite and non-committal, this odd streak could turn into anything

 

others might see something else, like you needing a good night out to help you move on and enjoy life again

Edited June 30, 2013 by darkmoon

[butterfly808]

I'm having trouble with this..."He then calls me up a week ago, as mentioned, in tears, asking whether he is a good person or not"...he sounds like needs meds, he's a grown man, ffs, and you are right to be polite and non-committal, this odd streak could turn into anything

 

others might see something else, like you needing a good night out to help you move on and enjoy life again

Safe to say he is on meds. Very strong ones.

 

Thanks. Yeah that's what I thought, past experience has shown he gets really nasty.

[sadgirl101]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I just wanted to comment and say that your post is beautifully written and you should NOT believe at all the things he said about your intelligence. I have been in relationships with guys who have tried to put me down that way and I'm almost positive it's because these guys are insecure about themselves. I know this is basically what your friends are saying that you already said isn't helpful, but you deserve way better than someone who is nasty to you like that, even if he is depressed. I hope you feel better soon.