1 month since the break up- having a really difficult time

[HeartBroken1988]

Hello, I will try to make it short eventhought it's a really long story..

 

I'm 25 and she's 22, I really thought that she was the one.

we were together for almost 2 years and half, she was my real first relationship.

When I first met her, I didn't fell in love with her immediately.. I mean she was cute but It was not like love at first sight.. I really wanted to experience a real relationship.

However I knew from the start that she really fell for me.. It's silly but she's also the one who insisted to give me her phone so we can meet up later.

We met, we hang out and we just got to know each other better over time and my love just grew bigger as the time passes..

She was really matture for her age, she was always talking about a future together, plans to move together, wedding etc'.

we had our up and downs, I know now that I wasn't perfect but I didn't had any prior experience before that. I really loved her with all my heart.

 

About a month ago she told me out of the blue that she lied to me a week earlier, she told me that she was going out with a girl-friend of her but in fact it was a guy from her Academy (and I knew this guy was sniffing around her like for a year now but I was too blind to realize that).

She told me that they became closer but didn't go into details..

I felt like my whole world fell appart, I couldn't bear the pain and talk to her, I just walked away.. I wrote her a pretty pissed off mail later on though, how she hurt me and all.

 

It was really hard for me because I couldn't understand her feelings.. I tried to spoke with her a few times on the phone to have some explainations but she was so cold and without emotions that it hurted even more. she told me at first she didn't know why she did that and then blamed everything on me.. she said that if she acted like that was because of me, like she was unhappy and when she cheated it was like a "revelation" to her.. I felt like she broke my heart and then stomped on it like a piece of trash.

I know I wasn't perfect, maybe I didn't showed my love to her enough but I was always here for her.

I now realize that she's the one who was selfish in our relationship.

 

My relationship and story is a bit more complicated than that but anyway that's how it ended..

 

I decided to respond her mail without hate but love. explained to her that I agree with some of the things she blamed me, told her how I felt hurt that all the blame was on me when she's the one who cheated and destroyed the trust we had built together.

I told her that my heart really want to be with her right now but my mind is telling me to run away as far as possible.

I said that for me it wasn't a break but a seperation, that I needed time for myself to heal and grow stronger.

I finished saying that I believed that our relationship was a gift from god and if it's in his plan, our roads shall meet again.

and then I said I love you.

Now when I look back I dont know if it's was the best idea to tell her that I love her but that's really what I felt.

she didn't replied and I know from her roomate that she already moved on with this guy so I don't expect anything now.

 

We are in NC now for about almost a month. It's also a bit easier for me because she's out of the country.

 

I'm really strugeling to forget her and to move on, I know that this relationship is dead.

However i'm still hopping that one day we'll reconcile and I know It's just my heart feeling that way.

I just want to lose any hope of anything with her but I can't. I wan't to move on.

 

thank you for reading, sorry for the mistake

[yoghurtsandlimes]

The fact that you haven't broken NC AND the fact you want to move on is a good sign. It means it will happen.

It may not happen as quickly as you want it to, but as each month passes, the pain will ease.