One Sky Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Hello, everyone. This is my first post in this forum after lurking for many moons. From reading your experiences and stories, I know that what I experienced with my MM is not special or unique...but I believe putting it into words will help with my healing and growth. I am single and in my thirties. Never been married. I am highly educated, beautiful, funny, and loving. I have had several long term boyfriends and it is not difficult for me to attract men. I had never been involved with a married man. Ding such was totally against my values and morals and what I held as "right" and "wrong." :/ Background: I lived with my best friend, Tina, from age 18 to age 23. She would always tell me that her brother, Trent, was perfect for me. He was my age and we were into the same things. I always blew Tina's words about us being perfect for each other off; however, Trent and I started corresponding over AOL IM back then when we were 18 hahaha. He was funny and weird and cool but I did not take our internet IM words seriously. And then, he joined the military and we stopped chatting. Years passed. Many years of partying, college, boyfriends, and growing up for me. He got married, had a kid, got divorced, and then married another gal during those years. During those years, Tina and her/Trent's mom would continuously tell me that I should have married Trent. It was weird for me because I had never even met hm! Example: A couple of years ago, Tina was getting married and I went to her mom's house to help Tina do some stuff. Their mom was talking to me and suddenly exclaimed, YOU SHOULD HAVE MARRIED TRENT!" I guess just talking to me reminded her of her son. haha I blew off her exclamation for the thousandth time Fast forward to Tina's wedding. Of course, I am the maid of honor and it was a great time! And guess what? Trent is there from the far away land he lives in and I lay eyes on him for the first time ever. I formally introduce myself to him at the reception. We shake hands, our eyes meet, and I am forever changed. The entire evening we are attached to the hip. He is the guy-version of me and the chemistry is unreal. A friend of mine comes up to me at one point and says, "It looks like you made a love connection!!!" I sadly reply, "He is married." Trent goes back to where they are staying and I go to my house at the end of the evening because people were staying with me. He wanted me so badly to come party with them. But I could not. At home, I could not get him out of my head. I had never experienced such magic. The next day, Trent and I hang out again. The entire time, I just wanted to reach out and hold his hand! Again, I had to leave because I had to work the next day. As we hugged goodbye, he whispered "I don't want you to leave" over and over. I replied, "We'll be friends on the internet again." Ugh. These last 2 years have been intense: texting from sun up to sun down, phone calls, video chat, etc. I broke it off with him many, many times. I became someone I did not know. I was taking part in an EA that compromised my values. He visited me once because he was here at his parents' for a holiday. The EA became a PA and it was the most awesome/terrible night ever. Ugh. After that night, it was even more difficult. We have been no contact for a month but last night I reached out to him. I hate it, but I miss him so. The most difficult aspects of the whole thing: he is my best friend's brother. Tina has been my best friend for 15 years. He is so like her and he is so like me and I am so close to their family. I wish I could just cut the cord with him but it is so difficult. We are entangled in each others' lives. Should I even post this? Arrrrg!!!!
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I believe you're a good person at heart. I say this now, because I guarantee someone is bound to say otherwise later. You're going to get mixed responses, because there are people here from all points of the same spectrum when it comes to affairs. Betrayed spouses, Affair partners, Wayward spouses...and even within some of those from the same groups, you won't get the same. Not all BSs will condemn you, and not all APs and WSs will sympathize. But for the most part, you will find, no matter what their responses, the greater majority will try to help you out. They may be harsh, but they also may be fair. In short, strap in; this could get bumpy. I admire the fact that you tried so hard to keep it from going down the road it did; I can also well understand the sentiment of it being both the best/worst night of your life. From the perspective of a WS, I know that feeling too well. I do suggest this; do everything in your power to prevent it from going physical again. You're going to need to wean yourself off of the emotional aspect too, but given the fact that you're close to his family (with his sister being your best friend) this is going to be really difficult. Perhaps you can go temporary NC, until the flames have burned lower; after that, maybe LC, as long as certain rules are put in place. Either decision, of course, involves talking honestly with Trent about how you feel, and how you don't want things to go any further down this road than they have, already. You're both likely experiencing some very complicated feelings, and you both require closure. It's not going to be easy by any stretch of the imagination. Encourage him to take a long, hard look at his marriage; make it clear you don't want him to leave his wife on a whim, either. He needs to sort out his marriage, and whether it is built to last; in order for this to be accomplished, he's going to need space from you-whether he knows it, or not. This would be a good time to put NC into place. 3
HokeyReligions Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Has trent ever indicated he would divorce his wife and move closer to you? I don't advocate affairs and I admit I don't have any respect for those who seek to date married people, but sometimes people can realize a wrong decision was made or a fundamental shift occurred in a marriage and the affair can become a "legit" relationship. My husbands parents come to mind. His mother began an affair with her married boss. The affair lasted some 10 years before hubbys parents ended their 18 year marriage. I don't know how long the boss had been married but he divorced too and married hubbys mom. They had a happy marriage for over 40 years until Bosses death. They were far more compatible with each other than with their previous spouses. If Trent divorces and asks you, would you move to be with him? 1
Goodbye Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I wonder if a lot of what you perceive to be "chemistry" is actually just from the power of suggestion...having your friends' family always saying you guys were "meant to be." I suspect this romantic notion may be fueling both of you. I know it is very difficult, but you need to let go. He is married and it doesn't sound like that is going to change. I believe you are quite smitten and it will, no doubt, be painful to cut the cord, but I think that is what you need to do. Good luck to you. 3
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I wonder if a lot of what you perceive to be "chemistry" is actually just from the power of suggestion...having your friends' family always saying you guys were "meant to be." I suspect this romantic notion may be fueling both of you. Good luck to you. I wondered this, too. With everyone constantly suggesting it over the years, it's entirely possible that the OP subconsciously started believing it.
Author One Sky Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 The power of them suggesting it for so long may have had something to do with it...but we had always blown-off their words and we lived our own lives, never wanting to meet each other. I was not even going to introduce myself to him that night because I was hanging with other friends. But he showed up in the line for the bathroom haha! Locking eyes with him as we shook hands was the singular most powerful experience of my life to date. Thank you for your kind words and advice. No contact has to be maintained. For years. I feel that we might have already have ruined anything that could-have-been anyway. Months ago, I would have moved the million miles to be with him if he did get divorced...but now? I am not certain. There has been so much sadness and hurt and pain. We both need time and no contact. This is a great, difficult truth. I hope all the hurt and pain have not killed the good memories he had of me.
Babolat Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Hi One Sky, your post is strange timing as I am going thru somthing similar. There is a girl I have known professionally for 2+ years. She is all business at work so I never got to know here otherwise. I ended a relationship 3 months ago, feel ready to try again and I got up the nerve to ask her if she wanted to hang out after work sometime, she said yes, so we did. Dinner/drinks. She slipped in the conversation that she had a bf. I ignored it and continued to ask her to hang out. We have been out 6 times now over a few weeks. We have both expressed our attraction to each other, she has even mentioned wanting to have sex. She quickly catches herself though and says "but I have a boyfriend" or "he would not like that", not specifically about sex, but thing like "you can stay the night", etc.... She has shared enough with me (I don't ask) where I know she is questioning her relationship and is he the one. She told me she agreed to meet me out as she thought she never had a chance with a guy like me. The next day after we go out she tries to pull away; I feel it and see it. Yet we end up texting and making plans to meet up again. I want to pull away; yet we have an amazing connection and I rarely get that with woman. I am curious and she is too. My gut/intuition is all over the place. Logically I know I should pause; but I don't. My advice to you is communication. Find out where he is with his marriage. Find out what he wants with you. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Best of luck with everything, One Sky. As painful as it is, it does seem to be the right choice to make. Perhaps you missed what could have been, but perhaps there will be another time. Not that I would wish anything ill on his marriage, but it's possible that sometime down the road, things change. However, regardless of whatever happens then, do everything you can to focus on the here and now. Deal with your emotions as they come; allow yourself to feel them, and to accept them for what they are. I know, sometimes a person's first impulse is to bottle these things up; I do it often, myself. But I can honestly say it's a lot easier, and so much healthier, to allow yourself to express them. Once you release them, you'll feel so much lighter. Stay positive, and be patient with yourself. 1
Praying4Peace Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Thanks for sharing your story! You will get a lot of good advice here. Remember, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. I just wanted to add something that wasn't said but seems to have become Required Language for a new/intro post. That is: This is not special or unique, its been told/happened so often on these boards. I'd like to note that being special/unique does NOT make your feelings any less real, intense or emotionally exhausting. Let me put it this way, the following events are DEFINITELY not special or unique yet they are life altering and mean a TON to the people involved: 1) Saying 'I Do' on your Wedding Day (ugh, how cliche!) 2) Giving birth to your child (Yawn, that happens to millions of people every day!) 3) Getting over the death of someone close to you (sheesh, happens all the time) 4) Getting a Divorce (50% of the population, get over it!) 5) Falling in Love (All. The. Time.) I'm sure you catch my drift, but I think you should know that your feelings are valid and real and deserved EVEN if its an 'Affair' and people tell you you deserve it and are scum. Hope you stay strong! If Trent felt something, he's the married one and should do something about it. 4
Author One Sky Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 It is crazy-cool how thoughts, feelings, and circumstances can change in just a few months I have not had contact with my best friend's brother, Trent, for 3 months. Contact dwindled to nothing. Too many hurtful words, too much pain ruined what was already ruined in the first place. I dated guys. I would compare the guys to Trent. I would stop dating guys. I would message Trent. He would message me back. We would stop talking. I would start dating again... It was a never ending, revolving sort of pattern :/ However! About a month and half ago, I met an awesome guy. We have chemistry, we have so much in common, he is brilliant/hot/totally cool! We have been spending so much time together and it has given me so much hope. For the longest time, I felt I would never find a man who ignited my mind, body, and soul the way Trent did. But I have. Since for-real no contact, I am healthier, happier, and feel SOOO GOOOD. No contact. Alone-time. Getting back to me and getting out in the world. Meeting other guys. Dating. KNOWING that I deserve better...better can include even just being alone/not dating. Better does not include talking to a married man. Cheers. I learned so much about myself, human behavior, what love is/is not through my MM experience. Things are not black and white. I now see endless grey. I do not regret, but I have learned that being involved in an affair is not good for me at all. I guess we live and we learn, eh? 3
experiencethedevine Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 It is crazy-cool how thoughts, feelings, and circumstances can change in just a few months I have not had contact with my best friend's brother, Trent, for 3 months. Contact dwindled to nothing. Too many hurtful words, too much pain ruined what was already ruined in the first place. I dated guys. I would compare the guys to Trent. I would stop dating guys. I would message Trent. He would message me back. We would stop talking. I would start dating again... It was a never ending, revolving sort of pattern :/ However! About a month and half ago, I met an awesome guy. We have chemistry, we have so much in common, he is brilliant/hot/totally cool! We have been spending so much time together and it has given me so much hope. For the longest time, I felt I would never find a man who ignited my mind, body, and soul the way Trent did. But I have. Since for-real no contact, I am healthier, happier, and feel SOOO GOOOD. No contact. Alone-time. Getting back to me and getting out in the world. Meeting other guys. Dating. KNOWING that I deserve better...better can include even just being alone/not dating. Better does not include talking to a married man. Cheers. I learned so much about myself, human behavior, what love is/is not through my MM experience. Things are not black and white. I now see endless grey. I do not regret, but I have learned that being involved in an affair is not good for me at all. I guess we live and we learn, eh? Well done! There is nothing quite like a happy beginning to lighten everyone's day! Good luck to you! 1
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