iouaname Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Hi all, I've been struggling lately with extreme feelings of anger towards my ex. We've been broken up for 6 months, but it's not the breakup that has angered me. He & I have several mutual friends, and for the first 4 months of the breakup I had to take space from all of them. When I began to see them again, I started to feel better. Until my ex decided he had a problem with me being around them and began saying really nasty things about me (he made comments about the way I look, he made comments about our sex life which were entirely untrue, called me crazy, etc.). He would be mad at me for 'not being over it,' but then he would make new wounds by saying these things to people. In order to be okay, I've had to cut all of these people out of my life -- even ones that I really care about. So not only have I lost a boyfriend, I've lost many friendships because of him and his inability to be respectful (he is the type of person who needs to bring others down to feel good about himself.) Anyway, I have SO much anger because of all of this. I want so badly to take revenge. I could, too. If I chose to, I could ruin this man. A part of me so badly wants to do it. To ruin his life and then walk away and let him pick up the pieces the way that he did to me. I haven't done that and I know in my heart that I'm not the kind of person who could ever do that, as angry as I am and as much as I want to. I know that the anger only weighs me down at this point - but as the sadness and the missing him wears off, it's all that seems to be left. Am I awful for wanting to crush him so badly? How do I get rid of that anger? Is it one of those things that just takes time?
Doobs Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 (edited) Don't waste another second of your life thinking about this. He should never have said anything personal about you to your friends. That is immature behaviour. Were you friends with these people before you met him? Or were you all friends? If it is the latter then fight for your friendships if you want but ignore him. Don't try crush him and be the bigger person. If he still harbors feelings for you then you might run into trouble when you're with your friends. When you find yourself thinking about what he has done just think of something else or keep yourself busy. He sounds like a d**k and you are better off. Edit: You are not awful for wanting to crush him, you are just angry and maybe you haven't got the closure you needed after the break up. Just change the subject in your head when it comes into it, time is your friend ok Be happy and smile, life is to short Edited June 30, 2013 by Doobs 1
Author iouaname Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 Don't waste another second of your life thinking about this. He should never have said anything personal about you to your friends. That is immature behaviour. Were you friends with these people before you met him? Or were you all friends? If it is the latter then fight for your friendships if you want but ignore him. Don't try crush him and be the bigger person. If he still harbors feelings for you then you might run into trouble when your with your friends. When you find yourself thinking about what he has done just think of something else or keep yourself busy. He sounds like a d**k and you are better off. Be happy I was friends with these people before I was in a relationship with my ex. Some of them aren't even particularly fond of my ex. While I did try to be friends with them, it became impossible because it meant seeing and interacting with my ex, as well as hearing the unkind things he had to say about me. So I had to let them go as an act of self-preservation, and I'm seriously angry about it. I'm angry that he doesn't take it into consideration. The time that I was told about something he said (and in this case, it was a friend looking out for me because it would have been quite damaging had it spread further), I confronted him about it and he told me "this is boring" and "I don't care if we're friends or not." So I do know that my anger is understandable, I just don't want to let it consume me...
Doobs Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Thankfully your friends know what he is like and tried to protect you that is good. Now what I would do is stay the hell away from this guy. He sounds immature and bad news. Your friends are caught in the middle. I don't know what advice to give you about them because I don't know them. But if they are good friends they would find a way to spend time with you. Try talking to them it may help. Just keep yourself busy and remember that sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me Seriously, to hell with him and what he says.
LostGirl11 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 No, it doesn't make you a bad person. I've had the same thoughts. But is he really worth the investment? Just use the anger as a way of getting over him. That's what I've done. I've got to the point where when I think about him I think things like 'God, you're such a little prick' Then I laugh! For him to discuss your sex life with others is a low blow and something that can never be taken back. This speaks volumes of his character and maturity. You'll hit breaking point soon. You'll exhaust youself to the point where you're like '**** this ****, I'm done'.
xXCountryXx Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 No, it makes you human, but don't let them drag you down. It's just not worth it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 OP - You are not alone. I am also having trouble letting go of anger and resentment. I know it sounds cliche, but try to focus on living in this moment. Right now. I've been reading "The Power of Now" and one message from it that really spoke to me was that the past is where we carry anger, bitterness and resentment. And the future only holds unease, tension and worry. Only the present is a safe and healthy place to exist. Now, how to do this? Well, I'm only half way through the book. I do suggest reading (or listening to) it. Just like LS, take what you need and leave the rest... Hang in there.
Author iouaname Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 I have done my best to control the anger. There have been so many moments (in the past week especially), that I have wanted so badly to call him up and curse him out and do what I've wanted to do to take revenge. I won't do it, and it's taken so much strength not to do it, but I'm proud of myself for not doing it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Time to put focus on yourself. All this time and energy spent thinking about him could be better used. You must let go… Congrats for the self control!!!
LostGirl11 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 I have done my best to control the anger. There have been so many moments (in the past week especially), that I have wanted so badly to call him up and curse him out and do what I've wanted to do to take revenge. I won't do it, and it's taken so much strength not to do it, but I'm proud of myself for not doing it. It really isn't worth it. Chances are, he'll find out it was you and he'll think you're crazy! You've already said that you've lost so much dignity, don't lose anymore. Are you still in contact with him?
Author iouaname Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 It really isn't worth it. Chances are, he'll find out it was you and he'll think you're crazy! You've already said that you've lost so much dignity, don't lose anymore. Are you still in contact with him? Oh he would definitely know it was me. That would be the entire point I mean, I'm not going to do it but the anger makes me think about it a lot. It's just unfair that he gets to say all of these things about me and I kind of just have to accept that it's happening. And no, we aren't. After the things that were said, it was clear to me that there was no point in having him in my life.
LostGirl11 Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 Oh he would definitely know it was me. That would be the entire point I mean, I'm not going to do it but the anger makes me think about it a lot. It's just unfair that he gets to say all of these things about me and I kind of just have to accept that it's happening. And no, we aren't. After the things that were said, it was clear to me that there was no point in having him in my life. Meh, let him get on with it. Be the bigger person. I think you should stay away from these mutual friends. It's holding you back massively Have you got a family member you can spend the summer with? I really don't know how you do it. I'd hate to have to see my ex or hear about him.
pteromom Posted July 1, 2013 Posted July 1, 2013 You aren't a bad person. Anyone would feel the way you do. But revenge isn't the answer. You'd only be selling out your own integrity and stooping to his level. Not worth it. I would keep your friendships. Tell your friends that it hurts when you hear about mean or untruthful things your ex says, and ask them not to share what he says with you. If you see his posts on FB or whatever, block him. Then you won't see him and he won't see you, so it won't prompt him to say bad things about you. Realize that his comments are born out of his need to come out on "top". Let him win the imaginary competition. You will win in the long run by moving on and being happy. His opinions and comments do not matter in your life.
Author iouaname Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Today has been particularly difficult - I was angry all afternoon and now I'm just feeling kind of blah. I'm still feeling really hostile towards him, but I'm not going to act on it. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, so I'll bring up the intense feelings of anger and see what she has to say. It's crazy how someone can go from being your best friend to your biggest nightmare seemingly overnight... 1
Author iouaname Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Meh, let him get on with it. Be the bigger person. I think you should stay away from these mutual friends. It's holding you back massively Have you got a family member you can spend the summer with? I really don't know how you do it. I'd hate to have to see my ex or hear about him. The mutual friends were trying to help. The things he was saying were kind of damaging. You're right though, and I haven't had any contact with any of them either. I have other friends and family members that I'm spending the summer about - but it's difficult. It hasn't been easy to cut so many people/activities out of my life, and that's where the anger for my ex comes from. I wouldn't have to do it if he wasn't such a dick. If you see his posts on FB or whatever, block him. Then you won't see him and he won't see you, so it won't prompt him to say bad things about you. I don't have FB anymore, it just seems that he says the things whenever I am around mutual friends and seem to be doing okay. On the one hand, he says he wants me to just be happy and not be so devastated over the breakup, but then when I am happy he makes these comments as if to bring me back down Yesterday was rough but then last night I started feeling a lot better, and I've been doing well this morning. I'm glad I didn't react on the anger and that I just let it pass. I just hope it fades entirely soon. I'm really fighting doing something I'm going to regret later...
LostGirl11 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 The mutual friends were trying to help. The things he was saying were kind of damaging. You're right though, and I haven't had any contact with any of them either. I have other friends and family members that I'm spending the summer about - but it's difficult. It hasn't been easy to cut so many people/activities out of my life, and that's where the anger for my ex comes from. I wouldn't have to do it if he wasn't such a dick. I don't have FB anymore, it just seems that he says the things whenever I am around mutual friends and seem to be doing okay. On the one hand, he says he wants me to just be happy and not be so devastated over the breakup, but then when I am happy he makes these comments as if to bring me back down Yesterday was rough but then last night I started feeling a lot better, and I've been doing well this morning. I'm glad I didn't react on the anger and that I just let it pass. I just hope it fades entirely soon. I'm really fighting doing something I'm going to regret later... Something is telling me that they're not true friends I once went away for two weeks after a break up. I just stayed with my Auntie, I left my phone at home and had no internet access, I can't tell you how liberating it was! I didn't want to go home. I know what you mean about your ex becoming a nightmare. I find myself snearing when I think about my ex! Ha! The man makes me sick. I seriously wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire! It's funny how you and I are always in the same stage
LostGirl11 Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Maybe you could write down all the revenge you're wanting to take. Foul language, the lot. Get it all out. I might do this myself acually.
Author iouaname Posted July 2, 2013 Author Posted July 2, 2013 Yep - that's the "assignment" my therapist gave me for the week, to write a "Poisonous Pen" letter, where I just vent all of my anger, and then I'll bring it in to her next week if I feel comfortable. I think that I'll do it at some point. I just want so badly to be free of him. I don't want to give him so much control over my thoughts and feelings and behavior anymore...
Sugarkane Posted July 3, 2013 Posted July 3, 2013 Been in a similar situation aswell. I don't know why people put up with a dumpers sociopathic behavior for. Especially a dumper saying these things about their ex. Arent they supposed to be over the breakup?! I still don't understand why calling a dumper out on their manipulative behavior makes a dumpee a "psycho". But a dumper bitching and manipulating friends doesn't. I don't understand this double standard in breakups. If they're so over it, why are they playing people and bitching? 1
Author iouaname Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 I have such ups and downs with the anger. Ultimately, I know that I'm taking all of the right steps in handling it and that I'm going to get through it. I know in the moment it would feel so good to tell my ex off and get some revenge, but it's not worth undoing all of the effort I've put in to get myself to a place where I'm beginning to feel okay.
mtnbiker3000 Posted July 5, 2013 Posted July 5, 2013 I have such ups and downs with the anger. Ultimately, I know that I'm taking all of the right steps in handling it and that I'm going to get through it. I know in the moment it would feel so good to tell my ex off and get some revenge, but it's not worth undoing all of the effort I've put in to get myself to a place where I'm beginning to feel okay. Agreed. I feel the exact same. Up and down. So hard to see/feel progress, but it's simply got to be happening. 2
Author iouaname Posted July 5, 2013 Author Posted July 5, 2013 Yeah - it's so weird how quickly the emotions change. Today I am missing him a lot, which I haven't felt in the past few weeks. I guess it's nice to get a relief from the anger, but the sadness is awful too because it makes me want to reach out. I have been wanting to send him a message all morning but of course, I keep stopping myself.
Author iouaname Posted July 7, 2013 Author Posted July 7, 2013 Having a rough time. My father was hospitalized this morning and I'm really worried about him. I just want to reach out to old friends now but it just seems like a bad idea
Recommended Posts