lovelylady03 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years. We are engaged, but haven't set any concrete wedding plans in action yet. We own a home together since last fall. The home is in both our names and we have paid for it pretty much 50/50. I have now reached a point where I am fed up. This has happened before but then I usually give in. I don't know how to stick to my guns. I want to proceed with ending things but I don't want to just give in again. My biggest complaints are: - Family - my #1 complaint. I am super close to my family. I have a very large immediate family. I talk to my sister almost every other day and my mom too. Most of my other immediate family members I talk to weekly. I am crazy about my family. They all live in different towns (or states) so when we have a chance to see eachother I want to be with them as much as possible. One of the reasons we bought such a big house was so family could stay with us when they were in town (they all live out of town - parents visit every other month for a weekend, sister every other year or so for a few weeks).Here we are 7 years in and he still is not comfortable around my family. He rarely participates in any of my family functions with me - usually just the big ones, if that.I took some time getting comfortable with his family but I have been now been comfortable for a long time. He is not very close to his family and sometimes I feel like I am more involved with his family than he is. I have gone to pretty much all the family events of his.When my family does stay with us he is super cranky and avoids them as much as possible. What has caused me to reach my tipping point right now is that my sister and her boyfriend are staying with us during their every other year trip, she is here for 3 weeks and her boyfriend is here for 10 days. Her boyfriend has done more with our family in a week than I think mine has in a year. My boyfriend has thrown the biggest fit about family staying with us for a month (we had other family guests a week before my sis arrived). This whole time he has not done one planned activity with us and has only shown up to a few home dinners or socialized rarely. He has made it really awkward and my family is walking on egg shells when they are here. This is not okay with me, I have expressed that with him and asked him to participate. I feel like this alone is a basis to break-up. - Marriage - it has taken us a long time to even get to a point of agreeing or being on the same page about marriage. Now we are engaged but I am disappointed how it happened.We talked about it for a year or so and agreed we would get married but I was fully expecting him to propose and he knew this. His father died recently and while going through his stuff we found his grandparents' wedding rings. He had me try his grandmother's on and it fit and was pretty. I wanted to wear it and he made a comment about how he hadn't even asked yet. So we put it in the safe and then I waited. And waited.We talked about the need for a proposal and asking my father. He said he would. We went and looked at new wedding bands and possible new settings for his grandmother's ring - and still said a proposal was needed.I got tired of waiting in anticipation so I brought it up again saying how I wanted to be engaged already and he said we are engaged. And he went on about how we didn't need to do a proposal or ask my dad because we have been together for so long and had come to this marriage conclusion together.So then I started wearing the ring and we said we were engaged. The biggest thing that bothers me is there isn't any real thought or effort behind it. It also bothers me that my father was never asked, I think that hurt his feelings. We are by no means traditional but I think the gesture would have been nice. It has been a little weird and awkward telling people, especially when they all ask how he proposed. We also don't fully agree on the ceremony its self. He does not want a big wedding and I am not convinced I want one either. I am okay with doing something small I just want my immediate family there. He says that my immediate family is too big (if I invited all there would be 13 total) and he just wants to invite like 3 people each or so. I feel like this issue all together is enough of a basis to break-up. There are many things I like but I think there are too many big issues that will never be resolved. I don't want to fight about my family every time they come over or there is an event. I don't want to give in about everything regarding being married. I think I will be happier cutting my losses and moving on. I also think it would be really good for me since we met when I had just turned 21. I have never even lived by myself or really been single as a true adult. There are many things I look forward to about that and many things I dread. I feel like I don't even know how to function with out him in my life. A majority of my support system involves him, his family, and our friends. It was hard enough to attempt a break-up before when we were just living together. Now we own a home together and are engaged. How do I even proceed? Either one of us could probably buy the other out and live here comfortably (money wise) with a roommate or two. But how would that even work. When you buy out the other person are you just buying out the money that person contributed? For example, if our loan was for 300,000 and he has contributed 15,000 is that the only amount that would be owed to him if I stayed? I don't know why we would even do that. It is a 4 bedroom home, not something a single person needs. If we get new relationships I would want to start fresh with someone and not end up together in a house I bought or picked out with my ex. I love this house though and the thought of going back to renting doesn't seem smart. If we sold it I don't know if we would get anything out of it financially. We haven't even been here a year. On top of it, my sister is here for another week or so. I have not even approached the topic with him yet because I don't want to make things even more awkward in the house for guests. In the meantime we aren't really talking to each other and are sleeping in separate rooms. I know I am strong enough for this. I am a smart, college educated lady. I feel like I deserve better but I still have hesitations. I don't know why I have hesitations, probably the whole 7 years of loving eachother, but how do I get over those and take action and stick with it?
KathyM Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 It sounds like he doesn't really want to be married, and he has a more disengaged style of interaction with family, both his and yours. You, on the other hand, are very close to your family and want them to be an important part of your (and his) life. I would say you are not a match, and it may be wise to cut your losses now, sell the house, split the proceeds, and break up. I've seen this scenario with other couples sometimes, where the one partner is very invested in his family of origin, and the other spouse is not really interested in socializing so much with family, and the mismatch causes a lot of resentment between the partners. I know a couple who divorced for this very reason. If you were already married, I'd say you should try to compromise on this, but since you are not married, it's probably best to cut your losses now, rather than have this issue create more and more of a wedge in your relationship. You are not a match in your desire for closeness with family of origin, and this usually makes for a lot of controversy in a relationship.
lavenderlove Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 I really feel with you. My ex was totally antisocial and this ruined my friendships and general daily life. I just went with it. He didn't want to commit to me and we have been together for 8 years. I just went with it. I moved away from my home country (imagine-everything I left behind) and he built a motorcycle with no backseat on it. (I love riding, but hey I went with it) Had me waiting for a ring we got made and I watched it day by day on the shelf in the hallway wrapped in it's post parcel. For weeks. He didn't even hide it. And then the day came, and I walked out on him. And it was the best decision in my life. This happened on the 27th of Feb, and now I live with really nice housemates in a beautiful part of town, have a job and can look after myself( this used to be issue while I was with him) and I transformed into the happy social being I used to be before my suffocating confinement of a relationship. I discovered so much about myself in the meantime, and my friends tell me that I became beautiful. I put effort into the way i look every day, wear my hair differently and dress better etc. I am now 28 and I am just enjoying each day. Of course I wanted to get married and I still do, I want to be in love but not at the price of my own happiness. I am relaxed. I am just enjoying the first time -since 16- I am single. I went to a party and met some nice men, and got invited out etc, and I just don't feel like it. It is really fulfilling to give myself time to heal and learn to see myself in my own mirror not someone else's. To be free. To wait for the right one who knocks me off my feet. The real staff. :-) I think you know what you ought to do. Don't be afraid. It will be very very hard for a while. But it is worth it. Love, *
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