DaveM90 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 (edited) Long story but here goes. I'll start from the beginning. We have been married for 3 years and have a 2 year old child together. When I met her she just recently had been dumped by the guy who was supposed to be marrying her. He broke off their plans to become married and then when started seeing each other. She unexpectedly got pregnant and we got married about 6 months into her pregnancy. I loved her very much. We moved in together and everything was ok. Her pregnancy was difficult because she was very mean but we got through it. Now fast forward to 3 months after she gave birth. Things got very bad. She would get physical with me and we argued non stop. We had a very bitter break up. At this point I tried for probably 2 months to work things out and to see her and she refused. She even refused to let me see our young child. She kept repeating the same things "she wanted a divorce, we were no longer together, I couldn't see my baby, and she hated me". So after another month I got close to another woman and things became intimate. I hadn't spoken to my wife in a month and thought we were done for good. Then my wife came begging back. I said no at first but eventually agreed to see her. I broke things off with the other woman, met my wife and we talked about things and I agreed to take her back. We made love and everything was great. We were happy and excited. Then she found out about the other woman and EVERYTHING changed. She was very upset and called me a cheater and all of that good stuff. I explained my side and eventually she stayed and agreed to work things out. It was hard and we had our rough spots but we got through it. Fast forward 1 year and we have another bitter split and the same basic scenario occurred. She didnt want me and divorce was all that she would settle for. And again held my baby from me. This time I became good friends with a couple of co workers and we spent a lot of time together partying and stuff. They were both young females but this time nothing ever happened. I remember my mistake and didnt sleep with either of them or do anything intimate with either of them. After talking we got back together again and she said she was finally able to move on and get past everything(reason for bitter break #2 btw). So everything has been mostly good. Little arguments here and there but that's expected over the course of a year. A big key that I forgot to mention is we are both 23 and have been living with our parents because both of us have too many bills to afford to move out. But recently we made the plan to sacrifice and move out and make it on our own. Now all of a sudden just a week after these plans she's been calling me a bum saying I don't provide enough for her. Saying I should work two jobs to move us out and has left me. She all of a sudden is bringing up the past again about the woman I slept with. Basically saying again that she can't move on from the past and that she can never trust me or forgive me and that she doesn't want to be with me. She says she needs time and space to make up her mind but doesn't see it changing. One second she tells me what to change and do different and the next she says there's no hope. We haven't been having sex very often, maybe once every couple of weeks, and she says its because she can't get turned on at my moms house. There's always some excuse. She works too much, she doesn't feel the urge after taking care of a 2 year old etc etc. the lack of sex has been going on for a while. I suspect she may have become intimate during our last separation but didnt press her on it because of my own past wrong doings. But I can't wrap my head around why all of a sudden she's acting this way. There's so many red flags but I don't if I'm just being paranoid. I know the password to her phone and she offers me to look through any of her stuff anytime I want. But she's constantly accusing me of being unfaithful, avoids intimacy and even during the rare occasion that we do have sex she doesn't seem interested. She wants to go out whenever she wants and if I object I'm controlling and insecure. If I want to go out she throws a fit and basically accuses me of cheating. She's been staying at her moms and won't really talk to me about any of this. I love her and my baby with all of my heart and I want my family back but she's not budging right now. The best case scenario she says she just needs time. Worst case she tells me she can't move on from the past and there's too much damage to be repaired. I don't know what to do or think and part of me thinks she being to difficult because maybe someone else is in the picture. Another man maybe. What do y'all think? Am I being paranoid or do you think she's seeing someone else? How do I fix this? How can I get evidence of whether she's being faithful or not? Thanks in advance Edited June 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Add paragraphs
denxnis Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Is she cheating, yes. How do you fix this? You can't, it's not a broken pipe or transmission problem, she has to want to fix things as well. The best advice I could give you and what is also the most encouraged advice is to give her exactly what she wants and leave her alone for a while. 1
Author DaveM90 Posted June 30, 2013 Author Posted June 30, 2013 That's a bit contradictory, no? So she's cheating and I should give her time to see if the other guy works out and best case scenario I'm plan b? Not to be a jerk but that seems like pretty bad advice. On the other hand maybe I'm stretching and letting my mind get the best of me. Maybe she isn't having or contemplating an affair but it doesn't take long for some opportunist vulture to pop up and be the right person at the right time and take advantage of her at a confusing time. Either way I won't beg for her back. There's plenty of beautiful women in the world and I'm sure I could find someone who won't have the issues my wife does. If there's any chance possible id prefer to make things work with her and be with her and raise our child together. There has to be a way to fix it if she really isn't seeing someone else. Something that might be right in front of me but I'm missing it because of my emotional stresses. That's where I was hoping someone could chime in with some helpful advice.
marqueemoon4 Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 I would do your homework.. gather evidence, and then calmly confront her about it if she is indeed committing adultery. She'll lie about it like 99% of cheaters do, then you'll prove she's not only a cheater but a liar too. From there, it's all about if she is remorseful or not and how much you care for her. It sucks man..
Bryanp Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Just to be on the save side: 1. Get a paternity test on the child. 2. Get tested for STD's. 3. See a lawyer to understand your options and not allow her to keep you from your child if it is your child. You are young but she seems very immature and psychologically unhealthy. The fact that she gets physical with you shows how unstable she is. I think is toxic to you and will ruin your life. I wish you luck. 1
Steadfast Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Judging from what you're written, I'd say neither one of you are mature enough to sustain a committed relationship. She's a control freak with anger issues and you're a stubborn whiner. How can you respect or love someone who uses your child as leverage? That's against the law. Cheating? Please. That's the least of your problems. My advice: Divorce and secure council to draw up a legal visitation/custody/support plan. Concentrate on being a good father and provider. Establish a pattern of behavior based on mutual respect and a shared concern for the well-being of the child. Perhaps in time, you'll both appreciate and value love for the gift that it is. You both have plenty of experience in what it isn't. 5
SoleMate Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 Strongly agree with Steadfast. Neither you nor your wife are showing remotely the: * commitment to the marriage * ability to be faithful (actually, this failing is yours alone - I see nothing to suggest she's cheating, other than the overall marital dysfunction, which can readily be explained by the new baby, lack of money, and whimsical approach you take to marriage vows, without postulating her cheating for which there is no evidence) * overall maturity that would be needed for this scenario to be viable. And even though it doesn't matter, I tend to see the balance of fault as heavier on your side, maybe 60/40. You really can't wave the fidelity flag on her, given your history. Why did you want to be married, again? Why not just be single since that's obviously the way you want to act? 1
Goodbye Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 It seems to me that the concern of whether or not she is cheating should the least of your concerns. Frankly, I'm not seeing a lot of hope for your marriage, so even MC isn't going to break your pattern. She is physically abusive to you...that isn't ok. It isn't ok when a man gets violent with a woman, yes? Not ok the other way, either. You've cheated, she may or may not be cheating. I'm seeing red flags all over the place. It seems that the two of you might do best living separately. Getting a divorce will also enable you to get a court mandated parenting plan in place and she cannot do the awful behavior of holding your own child away from you. Good luck to you. I say cut your losses and just focus on the child. 1
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 It really does sound like she's projecting; she's accusing you of being unfaithful, and is being hypocritical when it comes to socializing. It's possible she's cheating, and thus projecting it on you, but it's also possible she really is paranoid, believes you're being unfaithful, and thus, is pulling away from you. Honestly though? I think it's the former. Something about her words and actions (as you've described) seems off to me. Also, she cannot deny you from seeing your child. You're not some dead-beat dad, nor are you abusive or negligent; the courts would never allow her to pull that stunt. I say investigate further on the matter, just to be sure of what's going on.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 What do y'all think? Am I being paranoid or do you think she's seeing someone else? How do I fix this? How can I get evidence of whether she's being faithful or not? Thanks in advance Does it really matter if she is cheating? Dump her and move on. There is just way too much drama... she is hot and cold to the point of stupidity. Unless you love living manic depressive... broom her. 1
Author DaveM90 Posted July 1, 2013 Author Posted July 1, 2013 Everyone on here is right to a degree. She's a good mom besides the whole using the baby as leverage thing. And that hasn't happened yet. She assures me it won't. We were able to talk today and she assures me that there is no other man in the picture, and I believe her. Seeing as this was caused by my shortcomings and my past issues I can understand and level with her. I also agree with all of you about us being too young and too immature for a successful marriage. As hard as it may be its the truth and I think she needs more relationship experience. Regarding the paternity tests, I KNOW for a fact she's mine. Her ex fiancée lived in Hawaii and she hasn't seen him in 5 months when we found out she was pregnant so I know it's not his. Not to mention we spent basically every second together at that time. Lastly, I think this is me being paranoid. I think the red flags are just a coincidence to be honest. I think I was really expecting her to try to get me back for my past but I don't think she is that type of person. We both have our faults but at this point the baby has to come first right now and I will make those decisions. Thank you all for helping me see what was right in front of me. 1
Steadfast Posted July 2, 2013 Posted July 2, 2013 Everyone on here is right to a degree. She's a good mom besides the whole using the baby as leverage thing. And that hasn't happened yet. She assures me it won't. Friend, do you know what her assurances and two nickles add up to? Two nickles. See a specialist and get a custody agreement in place. It'll probably mean a garnishment but that's the reality for divorced fathers. When my kids were young, all of my money went towards my family. Don't backtrack this deal. And don't add more drama either. Time to grow a brain. Neither one of you are relationship material. Not just her. Add this piece of advice; someone has to step up here, and it might as well be you. No matter what she does, remain calm and focused on what's needed for the child. This may come from her, or someone else. Be exactly what you are; a young father. Young dads grow into the role. No shame. Learn how, then apply the lesson. Don't look to someone else. Time to grow up.
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