Mixed messages after break up

[Jonny bravo]

Hi, first time poster here, looking for advice.

I was adopted at birth and as a result of this i have discovered finally i have whats known as adoption abandonment issues. I denied it for years until now. Anyway i Met the most wonderful woman nearly 2 years ago, and we hit it off and started going out almost straight away. Had a truly great relationship with each other until I started to fall for her completely but once that really started my started getting adoption abandonment issues which I've never really fully dealt with up to now. Essentially I started getting an almost irrational fear she would break up with me, this issue that ive had has resulted in me ending relationships ( getting my retaliation in first etc), distancing myself from people i am close to and the longer an intimate relationship goes the greater the fear of abandonment grows. Something I am now realising and dealing with. Part of my problem has been not letting people in including my ex girlfriend who I split with last week. I couldn't open up to her, and the last six months I knew it was getting worse. I dealt with it by being ultra passive and going with the flow. She knew I was adopted but I wasn't able to tell her about the resulting issue I had since I was a child. Eventually it wore her down and the relationship finished. It took me loosing her to realise I needed to face up to my issues. We decided to meet up a couple of days after we broke up so we went for a walk and I finally told her what was wrong with me and I tried to explain why I did certain things. It was a lot for her to take on board and also very emotional for us both. We spent 2 hours talking, walking hand in hand, holding each other, kissing cuddling crying etc and we got a lot of things off our chests. I told her I loved her and she said she missed me and she loved me but she wasn't in love with me for the last couple of months. I said I wasn't trying to get her back by meeting but that I wanted to say goodbye properly if that was what she wanted. I told her that I needed to get my head sorted and I didn't think that we should stay in contact, she asked to stay in contact and I agreed (i couldn't not let her stay in contact, if I could do anything to get us back together I would) she agreed that I needed to get my head sorted but that we should stay in touch. She asked me to go to lunch next week and I agreed. I eventually asked her was there a chance of us getting back together and she said no, then she said maybe but I had to get my head sorted and then maybe she would see but nothing definate. After we left each other I texted her thanking her for being understanding and she replied saying thanks for not being a psycho and for understanding :-)

Essentially I don't know what to do, I know it's been frustrating for her the last few months, it was a lot for her to take on board that day and I understand where she is coming from. I love her more than anyone I've ever met, I know she still cares for me, she has told me she misses me and that she loves me but I don't know if the damage is done at this stage. Now I am not sure what to do, it was like a date rather than a break up and I don't want to appear over eager especially as she knows how I feel about her. Is it worth the effort or should I try and move on? I know that it took loosing her to realise I have to deal with my fears or rejection, if I didn't love her as much as I do I'd not be trying to deal with them I suppose.

Anyway thanks for reading and hopefully something good might come of all of this

[soccerrprp]

JB,

 

You did the right thing. I admire the way in which you handled the last meeting. It seems that she want to continue to maintain a connection and that is good. Frankly, I would be happy with the way she responded w/o the expectation that you will get her back. Be clear, if you really love or care for her, then your goal should not be to get her back. But, you should work on yourself and demonstrate to yourself and her that you are making changes. If it happens, it happens.

 

Personally, I would keep some contact unless there are clear signs that it is over. She has not made that clear to you and YOU don't want to sever your ties with her.

 

Dang it, man, get yourself together first and show her that you've changed. But, again, no guarantees, right? Make certain your efforts to improve yourself are for you FIRST. This way if things don't work out with your ex, you will be ready for another wonderful relationship to come your way.

 

Good luck!

[Jonny bravo]

Yes you are 100 percent right and thank you for your reply, it's amazing that it took loosing the woman that i love and made me the happiest I've ever been to face up to what I've carried around and was in denial about all my life. I've spend the last few days being more open with family and friends about where I am at, who I am and i apologised for not letting people in and all their responses have been really really positive. It's been really liberating for me that my friends have been so good. I wish it happened a long time ago and it didn't cost me the best thing that has happened to me. But I have made a start and im hopeful it will work out for me. I think you're right also how our last meeting went, there were no barriers up almost like when we started going out and for the year or so after until my demons kicked in around her and couldn't be my true self. Even how I analyse our last meet, there were so many positives such as the kissing, holding hands, what we said to each other, going for ice cream, laughing, crying and I can only see the negatives in it. Sometimes I even feel bad for putting my problems on her as we arent together anymore and sometimes I feel it's emotional blackmail to get her back. I think we both know it isn't that though.

I guess I will have to just wait and see how it turns out, but at least hopefully il regain my friends and have a new outlook on myself and the world as a result of this. I know though if I loose her it will have been at a massive massive cost :-(

Thank u again for reading and your advice :-)