Long distance paranoid

[Polepole]

So lets make the introduction quick. We both met on a holiday. She was still in her country but in a different area on holiday. Everything was amazing and about a month after the holiday she booked flights and came to see me for over a month. We are great together and everyone sees it. I have already booked flights to see her nearing the end of the year. There is just one problem that I have and frankly I am getting more than paranoid, I'm getting pretty angry. When she goes out with her friends. She still messages me alot during the night, but then it gets to that point where we both know she's had a bit to drink and just stops messaging.

 

Now the thing is I want her to have fun and enjoy life, and not just feel down because of the distance. But id like updates or a goodnight. Or at least her letting me know early "I probably will crash before messaging you so goodnight". But it's never like that. It's always "ill keep posted" and then a certain point in the night the messaging stops and I just get apologies in the morning. She says she knows she has a habit of not messaging at all after drinking a bit much. It happened last weekend, 2 nights in a row, to which she felt so bad that she was in tears and said it won't happen again. Then last night, same thing happened again and she apologised in the morning. She went out for a friends 21st tonight to which she said she is only going to drink light and will keep me posted. This she did for longer than before, but after a message that she was heading back to a certain rave, the messages have stopped and I already know what message ill receive in the morning.

 

Now the thing is I have met all of her friends, and they are amazing people who are 100% supportive of this relationship, so I know they are there to keep her safe and to make sure noone tries to take advantage of her. But I just can't help but feel really paranoid about what could be happening . Am I being too insecure and obsessive? Or what should I do?

 

I have already confronted her about how worried i feel to which she tells me "it won't happen again and not to worry at all because her friends are always there"

 

So in total since I told her I booked tickets to see her, this has happened 4 times in the space of 2 weeks and I feel really frustrated and angry, and I am seriously thinking if I'm making a mistake commiting myself this deeply, and having purchased the tickets aswell.

 

 

Sorry for the rant but I really don't know who to turn to for help.

[HeavenOrHell]

She shouldn't have to be constantly texting you on a night out, my partner texts once if he's out in the evening, and I'll text him once, if at all, when I'm out, we'll just communicate once we're back home, neither of us drink.

 

Could you not talk *before* she goes out?

 

Why keep tabs on her when she is out? It sounds clingy.

 

You are being obsessive if she's given you no reason to think she's playing around.

 

My ex partner used to get drunk at times but I never worried he'd cheat on me.

 

Maybe she's drinking a bit too often?

 

So lets make the introduction quick. We both met on a holiday. She was still in her country but in a different area on holiday. Everything was amazing and about a month after the holiday she booked flights and came to see me for over a month. We are great together and everyone sees it. I have already booked flights to see her nearing the end of the year. There is just one problem that I have and frankly I am getting more than paranoid, I'm getting pretty angry. When she goes out with her friends. She still messages me alot during the night, but then it gets to that point where we both know she's had a bit to drink and just stops messaging.

 

Now the thing is I want her to have fun and enjoy life, and not just feel down because of the distance. But id like updates or a goodnight. Or at least her letting me know early "I probably will crash before messaging you so goodnight". But it's never like that. It's always "ill keep posted" and then a certain point in the night the messaging stops and I just get apologies in the morning. She says she knows she has a habit of not messaging at all after drinking a bit much. It happened last weekend, 2 nights in a row, to which she felt so bad that she was in tears and said it won't happen again. Then last night, same thing happened again and she apologised in the morning. She went out for a friends 21st tonight to which she said she is only going to drink light and will keep me posted. This she did for longer than before, but after a message that she was heading back to a certain rave, the messages have stopped and I already know what message ill receive in the morning.

 

Now the thing is I have met all of her friends, and they are amazing people who are 100% supportive of this relationship, so I know they are there to keep her safe and to make sure noone tries to take advantage of her. But I just can't help but feel really paranoid about what could be happening . Am I being too insecure and obsessive? Or what should I do?

 

I have already confronted her about how worried i feel to which she tells me "it won't happen again and not to worry at all because her friends are always there"

 

So in total since I told her I booked tickets to see her, this has happened 4 times in the space of 2 weeks and I feel really frustrated and angry, and I am seriously thinking if I'm making a mistake commiting myself this deeply, and having purchased the tickets aswell.

 

 

Sorry for the rant but I really don't know who to turn to for help.

[LittleTiger]

Yes I think you're being paranoid.

 

Unless you have good reason to believe she is misbehaving - which you obviously don't - just let her enjoy her nights out with her friends.

 

I think getting drunk twice a week is a little excessive but presumably she's only late teens or early twenties and that's what people of that age tend to do.

 

I don't really understand why she has to update you throughout the evening. If my guy goes out with his mates we usually talk before he goes and then not again until the following day. It's the same if I go out with my friends. I can't imagine expecting him to text me with 'updates' or vice versa.

 

You know she's going to get drunk when she goes out and you know she'll stop texting as soon as she's drunk - whatever she might promise when she's sober. So what is there to get mad about? Unless you're intending to turn her in to someone she's not, ie someone who doesn't drink, or get drunk, or go out partying with her friends, you need to accept how she is, let her enjoy her nights out and get over your paranoia.

[Carenth]

Yes you are being possessive and paranoid. She shouldn't have to be "updating" you through a night out with her friends, what are you her baby sitter?

 

Let alone get angry at the next day. My girlfriend and I let each other know if were going out or whatever but we don't demand or expect "check ups" because we both respect we have our own friends and trust each other.

[justwhoiam]

she's had a bit to drink

...

this has happened 4 times in the space of 2 weeks

So, for me the problem would be being with someone getting drunk twice a week. I dont know how old she is and how long she's been having this pattern. But it doesn't sound good. This happens when you associate having fun and going out to necessarily drink alcohol. I can't support that, especially in a (young) woman, who generally can handle alcohol way less than a man can do.

 

I guess there's a time for (almost) everything. Which means maybe it's time for her to give up this kind of careless/wasted behavior for the sake of the relationship and respect of her body and you.