Iwamiyama Posted June 29, 2013 Posted June 29, 2013 (edited) Hi guys, I've never posted on an online forum before so apologies if I'm breaking any etiquette. Right now I have no one to turn to and I just need a little perspective and support. I lived and worked abroad until two weeks ago, at a language school. I met a girl there - let's call her Ruth - worked at the same school. I'd known Ruth about six months, maybe, when she started dating Tim, a colleague of mine. I was a little jealous, but not much. More than anything, I was astonished that the two of them would hook up - their personalities didn't seem to jive at all, and Tim was basically out there to play the field a little (he is a lot younger than her) in any case. Fast forward to November last year and, after dating for four months, they break up. Ruth is devastated. She starts drinking, a lot. She and I start hanging out; I feel like we have chemistry but we're also friends and I want to help her heal. By this April, it was pretty clear we DID have chemistry. We agreed to a marriage pact for 38, joked about how beautiful our kids would be, and went on what were on hindsight a series of dates. Through it all though she constantly burst into tears at the thought of Tim. She couldn't even say his name. He, incidentally, was onto his third girlfriend since their break up by this point. Things finally came to a head at my birthday in April when we kissed. Through the whole thing she kept crying and saying how she didn't want to hurt me, that she was still messed up about Tim, she couldn't bear to be with anyone else. As Tim's a friend of mine I told him that she and I had hooked up, and he was not happy. She and Tim met, and after that she kept me at arm's length for a while. But we kept meeting up, going on dates, talking about the future. She kept saying that she couldn't think of anyone but Tim and yet we kissed again, and again, and cuddled. I had at the time just got onto a graduate programme in the States and was scheduled to move there in June. Just before I left, she said that she did love me, as a friend, but she couldn't think of me in a sexual way because still - seven months later - she was messed up about Tim (who by this point had moved in with his fourth girlfriend since). But she couldn't let me go, she felt like I was her last chance to get a relationship right and that I'd be a great father and husband, and wanted me to maybe give her some time till October to sort things out in her head. Then, all things being equal, she would come out to see me and we'd be together. I, feeling like I had nothing to lose, agreed. Again, the last time I saw her, we shared an intimate moment. Cut to yesterday. She tells me that for various reasons, she probably won't make it to the US this year; 'in any case, don't wait for me. I just keep breaking more and more, hurting more and more. I might get out of this in a worse shape than I got in...'. So just like that, poof, we're done, and I am left here feeling crushed, because somewhere along the way I guess I must have fallen in love with her. I know in many ways I'm better off without her. But I missed her so much, and I did everything I could to treat her well and make her feel better. I just don't understand why she's still hung up on some dick who really doesn't care and who she knows she doesn't stand a chance with. She herself admits we'd be great together. But she just doesn't seem to be able to/to want to make the effort. Anyway, sorry again for long sob story. But I'm 32 years old, and I really felt like I could have built a life with this woman. We talked about marriage (someday), about life together, about kids and meeting families. I feel like there was this whole future there, and it's all just gone now. We're supposed to talk tomorrow and I feel ill knowing I meant so little to her. Edited June 29, 2013 by Iwamiyama
SadHumiliated Posted June 30, 2013 Posted June 30, 2013 She was totally and completely emotionally unavailable to be in any relationship. She isn't over someone else; she doesn't have the emotionally capacity to give to a new love no matter what she says to you. Her actions show that she isn't into you; just using you as an ego boost/trying to get over the other guy. The fact that they were broken up and the other guy was upset at the idea of her dating you, and her pulling away shows the two of them are still too emeshed. That whole situation is a trainwreck of bad choices. Stay away from the both of them. 1
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